Aftermath

Well, it’s been almost eight months now, since a1 became a trio. The aftermath of the death was still there but it’s just a shadow in their lives now. They had moved on.

But it wasn’t easy for the three of them; they had to deal with all the hurt and pain and probably anger that the death left at its wake.

I know it was the hardest for Mark; he was the last one to see that person alive.

And I know he kind of blamed himself. If only he’d been there earlier, if only he’d accompanied his friend when he walked back home, if only…

Paul came into the picture too.

Being the youngest in the family of four, he’d never really felt the need to take care of anyone. Shareen would always be there to look after him.

That is, until he joined a1. And for the first time, he had a responsibility of looking after someone younger than him, to care and look out for him the way an older sibling would do.

Now that the special someone was gone, his protective shield for that person dies too, leaving a gaping hole where it once belonged.

I could remember so vividly… everything in the past six months…

They’re all in the state of denial during the first month, all of them; they just couldn’t believe that it happened…

~~*~~

Paul glared balefully at the newspapers on his bed.

They had made the headlines, but it wasn’t what he wished for:

“26-year-old pop star dies yesterday”

He sighed and picked up the newspapers and carried it to the table in that room. His eyes scanned the article – word for word, letter for letter.

“26-year-old Christian Ingebrigtsen, a member of the chart-smashing band, a1, passed away in the Emergency Room early yesterday morning at 3.52am. It was believed that he was involved in a fight in a dark alley in downtown Oslo while on his way back to the hotel after dropping by Studio Nine to record the new album. When questioned, fellow band member Mark Read said that it was a coincidence that he passed by the street. It was so that he could not sleep and decided to go to the studios to see how Christian was doing but apparently, he stopped by an alley when he heard someone shouting. Being any normal person, he called the police and went to see what the noise was about but was surprised when he saw that the fight involved Christian and his biological father, Jake Johansen. It was stated that Jake was in jail for abusing his son, Christian, and his wife, Inger, during Christian’s younger years. However, Christian had kept that fact from public, as he did not want to cause worries from his fans. But when Jake was released, he seek…”

Paul couldn’t bring himself to read further. He flung the newspapers across the room and buried his head in his hands.

The newspapers landed in the doorway, at Mark’s feet.

He picked it up and walked into the room that Paul had been sharing with Christian.

Mark sat down on the untouched bed that Christian hadn’t slept in that night before.

“I can’t believe this… it’s all too fast,” Paul whispered. His left hand reached out for the beer bottle that was placed on the bedside table, wanting a swig. He’d been drinking non-stop since the doctors in that hospital told them that Christian was dead.

Mark put his hand on Paul’s arm and shook his head.

“What do you care?!” Paul shouted. He shrugged off Mark’s hand and tried to retrieve the bottle again.

But it didn’t happen. Mark took the bottle with lightning speed and threw it to the other end of the room. The bottle smashed against the door and broke a million shards of glass; its liquid seeping into the carpet slowly.

“You think I don’t?” Mark asked him back. He stood up, his face showing the anger that he held within. “You think I feel fine after all of those?!” he shouted back at Paul. “You think I’m happy for Christian’s death? You do realised that I was the last one to see him alive. I feel so helpless! I couldn’t help him in any way! I just sit there and watch him slipped away!”

“Guys, we have to face this,” Ben said as he walked into the room and sat down next to Mark.

“I still can’t believe it,” Paul mumbled.

Ben sighed and grabbed the newspapers from Mark and showed it to the other two. Right at the bottom of the headlines was the picture that had been taken as a promotional shot for “Make It Good”.

“This isn’t exactly a1 anymore,” Ben said softly. His thumb covered Christian’s image. “This is a1 now. There’re only three of us. But remember what you said, Paul?”

Ben moved his finger down the article and pointed to one line from it:

When asked if a1 would disband because of the death, this is what Paul Marazzi said: “Christian hasn’t left us. He’s still with us in our hearts and I know we won’t disband just because he moved on. I know that he’d want us to go on doing what we all love.”

Paul looked up at Ben.

Tear-filled eyes that reflected his own stared back at him.

“Christian wanted us to carry on. We have to be strong and carry out his wish. We know how many wishes he’d left undone. And we know how much Jake hates music but Christian managed to put up with him and carry on with his music. He’d sacrificed everything for his love, his passion. Although he’s gone now, why can’t we do the same? Let’s make Christian’s sacrifice worth it.” Another tear found its way down Ben’s cheek when he finished.

Mark took a deep breath and nodded. “Alright,” he answered slowly.

Paul grinned back at Ben through his tears.

~~*~~

They had finally accepted the cold hard fact and if it could be possible, it made them even more close-knit.

They were like three fingers on the same hand, helping each other through the difficult times – unless he’s too stubborn to listen – but still, I just felt so proud of them.

Soon, they began to call the death that changed their lives “The Ultimate Turn”.

Everyone started the song writing business and was busy with the music and all those jazz before recording the new album.

Mark stared at the paper in his hands proudly. “My best song ever!” he shouted to the other two in the room which was otherwise empty. “But of course, I’m just writing it around the chorus and bridge that Christian had already written.”

“Let’s hear it then, with the chorus,” Ben said.

I don’t understand why you did this to me

It’d forced me to keep it as a secret for a long time

Wounds so deep they never show they never go away

Like moving pictures in my head

For years and years they’ve played.

[Bridge:]

If I could change I would

Take back the pain, I would

Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would

If I could

Stand up and take the blame I would

I would take all the shame to my grave…

[Chorus:]

There’s something inside of me

That pulls me beneath the surface

Confusing and consuming me slowly

Against my will I stand before my reflection

It’s for screaming, how I can’t seem

To control myself any longer.

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories, I wish I didn’t have

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back

And never moving forward so

There would never be a past…

[Last chorus:]

There’s something inside of me

That pulls me beneath the surface

(If I could change I would, take back the pain, I would)

Confusing and consuming me slowly

Against my will I stand before my reflection

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would, take back all the blame I would)

How I can’t seem to control myself any longer

(I would take all my shame to my grave).

Mark stopped and said: “One more bridge and one more chorus before we transpose and go into the last chorus.”

“It seems a little too… I dunno… dark. The lyrics are kinda dark and deep, don’t you think?” Ben said.

“But that’s what Chris wrote!” Mark argued.

“Hmmm… I happened to like it though,” Paul said.

“Run that over me again,” Ben said.

Mark did as he was told.

Paul broke into a cheer once Mark finished. “I don’t like it, I love it!! Great job, Mark, great job. It’s fab!”

They congratulated each other because that was the first song they had completed for the upcoming album.

They had a single called “Inside Of Me” and that song shot right up into the number one spot in the charts. I was just so proud! I just think that the title for that song was just as meaningful as for them and also the fans. Yes… there’re of course many things we did together while I was there.

And a year and a half after “The Ultimate Turn”, they released their fourth album…

~~*~~

“God, we just need a word or two, not one whole sentence!” Mark laughed.

Paul thought about this as he chewed on the end of his pen. “Okay, okay… hold on to your boxers, would ya?”

“What about “Forever There”?” Ben asked brightly.

“Ignore him, Paul,” Mark said. He turned to Ben. “What do you mean by ‘forever there’? It’s too clichéd!”

“Alright, alright,” Paul said. “We want an album name which shows that we still haven’t forgotten Chris, and we definitely want it to be a nice name. Can anybody think of anything that fits these requirements?”

Silence fell over them.

“Hmm…” Ben said. “Blond Guy”?”

“I shall now take a sledgehammer and whacked your head with it,” Mark mumbled as he slapped the back of Ben’s head.

“It’s so hard now without him,” Paul said. “It’s so much better while he’s around. Our very own ethereal-like guy…”

Mark glanced at Ben and then at Paul. Ben’s eyes seemed to sparkle but Paul was still staring into space. Ben nodded.

“That’s it!” Ben exclaimed. “That’s what we’ll call the album. “Without him”!”

Paul stared at him. “What do you mean by that?”

“What about “Ethereal”?” Mark cut in. “He’s definitely around – spiritually and ethereally alive and as a guide for us – when we ‘wrote’ this album. Besides, Christian originally wrote all the 17 songs in this album. We just finished the songs for him because he didn’t have the chance to do so, that’s all.” Mark grinned happily. “Also, this is a tribute album. All of Christian’s songs are in there, you do realise. We just helped to bring it to the fans!”

“Yep, yep, yep!” Paul said. “Ethereal!” he crowed happily.

Ben just smiled and looked down at the A4 paper in front of him.

It was filled with initial ideas for the new album’s name.

Picking up the pen that Paul had dropped, he crossed out all the names for the album and wrote:

“a1: Ethereal”

~~*~~

I liked that name.

I still think it’s perfect for the album. A simple word that carries a lot of meaning.

They were right. And it proved that I was right too. They finally found all the unfinished songs in that house. Although I was sure that there was over twenty songs in that house that were left unfinished, I could still settle for just 17 songs.

And although I didn’t get to read their personal “thank you” notes for the album, I get to read the band’s “thank you” message.

“… we would like to thank Inger and Stein for making all these possible for us. Without you to guide us and be our source of inspiration, we wouldn’t be here writing this message today. This album is for Christian, written not in the memory of him, but written by him personally. All the songs were originally started by Christian. We found the incomplete samples and lyrics to the songs in his house two months after he moved on and we’d decided to finish the songs and do this album because if we don’t, all the songs would be a waste. Those songs were GREAT!!! To the fans, we know you’d been waiting for two years and we hope we made your wait worthwhile. Thank you for your continuous support!! And Chris, things aren’t the same now without you, but we’re managing so don’t give up on us just yet! We know you can see us up there, so thank you for giving us the strength and courage to carry on with what we love. ~In loving memory of Christian Ingebrigtsen: 25^th January 1977 – 20^th September 2003~”

I had to laugh at that. It’s just so like them! To be open with their feelings and letting the fans know what they think and feel.

The three of them were very happy when the album won “Album of the Year” in Disney Channel’s Kids’ Awards. It had also earned them another Brit Award and numerous multi-platinum discs. The sales of the new album were so good that it couldn’t even be compared to all three past albums put together.

It showed that they still hadn’t lost their fans – they’re gaining more fans each day! – and that was very important to them at the moment. The fans were a strong source of morale and support.

One month later, while the album was still riding high on the wave of success, Tim called a meeting to discuss a very sensitive topic…

~~*~~

“What now?” Ben asked, annoyed as he was being dragged to the meeting at the unearthly hours of the day – it was still six in the morning and he needed his beauty sleep!

Tim closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, unsure how the three would react to his announcement.

“Well, Vicky and I decided that maybe its time to make a1 a quartet again…”

“A new member?” Paul asked warily, prodding the waters gently.

“Yes.”

“You mean a replacement for Chris, then,” Mark said bitterly. He really didn’t try to hide his irritation.

“Erm… I… well…” Tim sighed. “Yes, a replacement.”

“You not replacing Chris!!” Paul shouted.

“Paul, please. This is just a suggestion.”

”No, we don’t want a new member,” Ben said. “You can mark my words on that: no new member, no matter what.”

“And I’m sure as hell that we don’t want a replacement!” Mark spat.

“You can’t just drag someone new to cover up the position that Christian once belonged and act like he never existed!” Paul hissed.

~~*~~

Well, that settled it.

Paul, Ben and Mark did their jobs.

The band stayed as a trio from then on and no one else ever brought up the topic of admitting a new member.

Months passed… which brings us to the present, a little over two years after “The Ultimate Turn”.

Oooh… isn’t that Paul over there?

~~*~~

Paul wove his way through the confusing maze of white marble and stones; the only change in the same colour spectrum for that place was the occasional bouquet of brightly coloured flowers lying on a few cold marble slabs.

Paul stopped in front of a white marble cross.

His dark glasses hid the wave of emotions in his eyes.

The picture in the middle of a cold stone of the cross smiled at him; soft moss-green eyes that seemed to light up the otherwise cold stone; eyes that once blazed with warmth, life, love, intelligence and laughter… Eyes that seemed to smile back at him, as if happy to see an old friend.

To Paul, those eyes were the only thing that could warm up this cold realm of nothing but stones and marble.

The stone at the foot of the cross had roses etched at the four corners with two simple lines told a brief story of the person it commemorates; his name and the years that he lived.

Below those were another two lines; this time, the fine engraving were coloured with gold acrylic:

“Son of God you are; you’ll always be in our lives,

An image of an angel that we’ll always love; shining brightly forever…”

Paul placed the two blood-coloured roses on the marble slab and stepped back, staring at that picture and remembering its fine features and cherishing it; until he comes back again some other day.

Satisfied, he walked away, knowing that the hurt would never be gone completely but at least time had helped it a little… a dull ache in his heart and soul that could never be forgotten; the pain that he would carry to his grave; the ache of losing someone close – of losing a very good friend and a brother.

I watched as Paul made his way out of the maze after putting those two roses on the white, expensive marble.

I know it still hurts, Paul… but thank you for having the strength to let me go. There won’t be any goodbyes, Paul, just hold on to the memories if you have to. I’ll still be with you, to guide you and to help you. I’ll just wait here until you come Home too. Then, we’ll rock Heaven together…

“Time goes ticking away

It’s so unreal; it’s unbelievable

We don’t have much time left

But why are we still standing here?

Still looking at each other, still staring?

Why can’t you just go?

I don’t want to see those tears

I wish you’ll never cry

It really won’t bring me back

It’s time for goodbye now; it’s time to leave.

On the platform of the deathly quiet station

One-way ticket clutched in my hand

Goodbye to all of you now

And don’t turn back, please,

I don’t want you to see my tears.

Every step that you take. just reminds me

Of the days when I was still with all of you

But then, those were just the days

We can never defy time

So don’t deny the course of nature.”

I named the poem “Defying & Denying”.

~~Yes, this is the sequel to “His Life”. The song at the middle of this sequel… the two verses and the bridge were taken from “Easier to Run” by Linkin Park (first two lines were different though). I like the song – it’s kinda based on someone’s life and everything, and oh, I dunno, I just like it… haha!! Besides, I think it’s appropriate for this sequel, especially to voice and get into Christian’s feelings. The chorus was mine though. I wrote it right after I get the verses down. And the poem too. I wrote the poem yesterday and did a little clean up to it but I was having a little “block” at that moment so this poem isn’t really sad… lol! But it served its purpose, I supposed. I kinda like it though. It’s simple and I think its got a hidden meaning and I somehow can’t figure out myself. There must be a reason why I wrote it and I dunno wot’s the reason! Oh well… take care till I see you all again. Lyl xx~~

“Aftermath”: started on 5^th June 2003 at 4.42pm. Finished at 19^th September 2003 at 1.58pm.