~Bloody hell. I can’t believe its time for this chap to go up!! Ararghhh, I’m all scared now, lol. Wen I wrote this is in March all those months ago and have been saying oh no wait til chap 19, wait til then, blah, blah and ughhh… am really freaked out its really happening now, lol!! Ummm… I can’t say its tasteful. I dunno, judge for urselves! But this is how it is, so ur gonna have to accept it am afraid… and yes, I may inadvertently (why do I keep using that word?!!) ruin my reputation as an 0: ) in the process, but ararghhh, in the name of LTD, I’LL DO IT! Lol! Erm, hope u *ahem* enjoy… and lallalallalla…*runs forever* Kate~

Chapter Nineteen

Ok, now that stopped me.

It stopped everything- every single part of me: hands, lips, head, everything. Even my brain had stopped for a second.

Christian had just crossed a very fine line that had silently been created whilst we’d been kissing. He’d gone just that little bit too far.

He’d just undone my trouser button.

And I didn’t feel safe anymore.

I knew that much.

It was good my lips had stopped, because then he kinda stopped too, and his hands which were now on my waist stopped too.

A little angrily I took my hands and pushed him off me.

“What are you doing?” I demanded to him, his face looking all innocent.

But once I said that he did blush, and he looked away from me. “Sorry,” he said quietly.

“Sorry? What the hell did you do that for?!” I said, still angry.

I felt really angry with him; I couldn’t stop it coming out in my voice. And my reaction didn’t go down very well with Christian. As it bloody shouldn’t!! He looked away really embarrassed, actually. Ashamed and awkward. Where I was looking right at him, he wasn’t looking at me anymore, and he’s taken his hands off my waist and put them by the side of me, thank God! But he was still kind of laying on me, even if our bodies weren’t together. And I didn’t like it. I didn’t feel happy and safe anymore, I felt really betrayed.

“Sorry,” he said again, still awkwardly.

Ha! He was regretting doing it now!

“Why did you dooo it?!!” I demanded again, still waiting for an explanation. Because had he been lying to me the whole time we’d been here?

I couldn’t believe it if he had.

I thought we’d been fine, just kissing. Going no further. I’d felt safe, trusted him not to do more. But by doing what he had, he was obviously thinking about doing more.

“Erm…”

“Christian- you promised!” I said, now wishing he’d get off me, and I also really wanted to fasten my button again.

But I still felt too freaked out to do anything.

“I know, I-“

“You promised me just coffee! Coffee- that’s all you said! And okay, we had wine, but you still said you weren’t meaning to sleep with me- you promised me that!”

“And-“

“Yet, you just tried to undress me!” I cried, not really believing it myself.

How could he go back on his word like that? Break his promise? I’d only come back here in the first place because he said he didn’t mean anything by the old ‘back to my place for a coffee’ cliché- I’d really trusted him.

And how he’s gone and done this!

“Katherine, I’m sorry-“

“What you gonna say now? Your finger slipped?” I snapped, beginning to feel strong enough to push him off me, and I wanted to get up and get him to take me home.

NOW.

My whole perception of him had just plummeted.

He did just want to sleep with me.

He had meant to do this.

But oh God, I was also feeling really, really tired. Bloody alcohol!

I felt irritated, cheated, pissed off… ohhhh, I felt like kneeing him really hard. He bloody deserved it, and I felt I might, as well!

“Because… because…”

“Because what?” I snapped, wishing he’d quit the stupid mumbling and admit that he was just a shallow boy band member who slept with random girls.

“Be- because I really wanna make love to you!” He suddenly blurted out, looking back at me.

My eyes widened.

“Be…cause I really… wanna make love to you,” he repeated slowly and more quietly, and then resigned, looking away from me again.

I just felt stunned.

I hadn’t been expecting that as an answer!

That… that had been a pretty honest thing to say! A from-the-heart thing.

I stared at him amazing. “You what?”

He looked back at me, and smiled shyly. “I’m sorry,” he apologised again, and then he lifted his hand to stroke my face, “but I really want to make love to you. I need to. I can’t stop… thinking about it.”

He paused then, as he started looking deep, deep into my eyes.

My head went totally blank.

What Christian had said, what he was feeling, it had completely sucked all the thoughts out of my head.

Next thing I knew he was kissing me again, and I just responded on instinct; naturally knowing what to do without thinking. Just a light, soft kiss this time; nothing as heavy as before. He did it methodically and slowly, before he stopped and looked at me.

“Do you want to go to the bedroom?” He asked softly.

I just nodded.

He lip-smiled at me and said, “okay.”

And then he got up; right off me, and I felt free all of a sudden.

No weight on me anymore.

But then he took my hand, and guided me up silently from the sofa and then slowly led me out the lounge.

He led me down the hallway down to the step, over that, and then down the fork which was heading off to the right. He came to a door, and he pushed it open and led me through, turning the light on in the process.

It was the bedroom, and it was much bigger than mine, I felt the spaciousness.

But everything I saw was kind of zoned.

I felt like I was in a trance.

He led me over to the big, white bed, which I did kind of see and register, and we sat down on it, me closest to the pillow.

He smiled, if anything, nervously at me. “You sure about this?” He checked.

My head nodded.

He smiled. “Ok,” he said, and then he leaned forward and started kissing me.

He put his hands on my arms which were hanging by my side, and I put my hands on his arms, too. We kissed away for a bit, nothing too heavy, just like a gentle starter.

And then he moved his right hand all the way up my arm, over my shoulders to the back of my neck, making every hair stand on end. I felt him reach behind the back of my head, and gently take out the spider clip. Instantly my hair fell down to my shoulders again, loose, and I vaguely felt him put the spider clip away on the bedside table.

Then he began to run his fingers through my hair, especially fingering it around the back of my neck whilst he continued to kiss me. He seemed to like my hair a lot, and he began running both of his hands through it.

Then they fell to my shoulders again, and he began sliding my gold jacket off.

Whilst he was doing that, instinctively I felt myself kicking my shoes off my feet.

With my jacket now off, as all I had on was my kerchief top, my shoulders and neck were now naked and as soon as they were exposed, Christian immediately leant down further and started to kiss the area around my collarbone. I had to tilt my head back a little bit to allow him to do that, and also move my hands off him and to my sides again. He was kissing all over my shoulders and then up my neck, back to my mouth again.

Then, he took his lips off me, and looked right into my eyes. I looked back at him blankly, before he smiled. And moved his hands off me and started undoing his shirt.

I just stared for a few seconds, watching him, and then before I knew it, I was helping him with the buttons, and then I helped him take it off completely. Almost as soon as it was off, he pushed his lips back onto mine again, more hungrily this time. My hands were left to stroke his chest a little, and I think he was enjoying that.

And then I felt his hands on my back, fiddling to undo my kerchief top. It was fastened by 3 clips, one at the top, one in the middle and one at the bottom. He was managing to unfasten them all pretty quickly, and I felt myself begin to tremble a little bit, as I felt my top fall away from me.

He hands immediately went there, and he started feeling and stroking with his hands all over my front, and beneath the skin I could feel my heart hammering away. As soon as we were topless, Christian began to become a lot more excited with his kissing and his hands were really wandering everywhere.

He took his hands off me then, and put them on my hands which were still on his chest, and he took them away from that, and then with his body he pushed me down, like he had done on the sofa, until he was laying on top of me. As he did, I felt his lips get heavier on mine as he kissed me really strongly. And then his lips began to work right down, all down my neck, all down my shoulders, until he reached my chest, and he started exploring that with his lips.

I think my legs had gone numb. I just felt so hot, and I was breathing- not fast- but really heavily. In between kisses, I could hear, and feel, Christian breathing pretty heavily, too.

As his head was now stuck to my chest, I now had my hands on the back of his neck, keeping him there.

His hands had gone down to my waist now, and he was gently peeling the rest of my clothes off and away from me. Whilst finishing that, he managed to give my stomach a little bit of lip attention too- before returning to his new favourite place again. I vaguely thought- stomach. He’s kissing my stomach- stomach is his favourite part…

I was now lying underneath him, completely naked. He was free to kiss, do whatever he liked.

But he stopped kissing me then, so he could finish undressing himself properly. I tried to help him, but he ended up doing a lot of it himself.

Then- we both lay there completely naked- and I could feel every part, and I mean every part of him.

He lay back over me, at eye-level again, his hands on the bed propping him up near my head- he was still panting away. “You okay?” He asked me, still checking.

I nodded, hastily.

He brushed his lips a couple of times with his, “good, good,” he said, and then he leant over me and I heard a drawer opening in the bedside table. He returned a few seconds later, clutching something in his hand.

Protection! I suddenly thought. He’s using something.

“If you ever,” he said, distractedly at first, putting the condom on, and then he looked back at me, “if you ever want to stop, just you tell me, okay? If it gets too much, or you just want to stop, then tell me and we will, okay? I promise,” he told me genuinely, although I think his voice was becoming tight with anticipation.

Again, I just nodded, feeling in such a daze.

‘Ok,” he just said to me, as code for, ‘let’s go’, and brought his face right down to mine again as he slightly shifted position.

And then, quite quickly, I felt him pushing into me.

And because of the thrust of it, and the time gap since I’d last been with anyone was close as this, I felt a sharp pain rush to my stomach.

At first I just winced, but as it continued, the pain increased and it began to become really painful.

“Owww… owwww…” I mouthed, barely whispering.

But Christian heard me.

“You okay?” He asked, concerned.

‘Be gentle, be gentle!” I pleaded, closing my eyes tight, and trying to bite back the pain I was feeling.

He stopped moving in, and then the pain stopped. “Am I hurting you?” he asked, again concerned.

“Keep going, I’ll be okay,” I heard myself saying. “Just go slow- please.”

“Sure- okay,” he said softly, and then a few seconds later, he pushed a bit deeper, and a lot slower in, and the pain, even though I did feel it, was a lot more subtle. A few more seconds and he’d pushed right in, and for the first time in two years, I had someone inside of me.

And I felt so strange.

“Ok?” He checked with me, his voice a lot more strained than before. I think he was trying to hold back from making some kind of noise, or something.

I opened my eyes, and nodded, as my lungs felt too full to speak.

And he then he began to move, slowly at first, move up and down against me, and pushing in and out, gently as to check he wasn’t hurting me again. But I think the initial pain of something being in me again had gone, and it wasn’t hurting anymore. Instead it was sending all these other feelings and reactions to my head.

Once he realized I was ok, he started to move faster, pushing in, and in again, but at a controlled pace. Not being rough, being gentle, but pushing fast enough so he could satisfy himself.

He was making love to me!

His hands kept wandering all along my hips, which were increasingly becoming more warm and moist, and his face was pushed right up next to mine. He kissed my face a few times, but most of the time he spent gently moaning to me as he pushed in, and rubbed his body against mine.

I loosely wrapped my legs around his, so he had plenty of room to keep the pace of it up. I didn’t know if I was making any sounds or not- I was breathing really fast though, and each time he pushed deeper into me, he touched a new point and a little sensation ran up through my body.

“K-K-Katherine,” he choked out, in between moans and deep breaths, “I-I think I’m falling in love with you.”

“Keep going, keep going,” I said from somewhere, ignoring that comment.

“B-But Katherine,” he said very breathily, the pushing becoming faster and faster and then he did cry out as he felt something.

“What?” I asked softly, looking at him, instead of the ceiling, for the first time since we’d begun. I had my hand in his hair, and it felt all damp and his face looked lost in concentration.

But he didn’t answer me. All I got in reply was a sudden rush of push after push which was really beginning to move me to crying out as well through all these sensations, when he suddenly let out a deep moan and stopped- just like that.

He lay still inside of me, and just took deep breath after deep breath, trying to compose himself. I was doing the same. All you could hear was us gasping for breath.

Watching us do this, he ended up breaking into a little laugh, he couldn’t contain his happiness. “Finished!” He grinned at me, like you’d say before you’re about to unveil something you’ve been working on for ages.

He relaxed in me a little bit, breathing a little easier, before in a sudden movement inside of me, he pulled out of me. He lifted his body up a little, let my body’s position go back to normal.

Putting my legs back, it felt so weird after having him between them. I had no idea how long we’d made love for, but it felt so strange without him moving inside me anymore. I felt my body crying out for him to come back inside again.

“You alright?” He asked me, dipping down to give me a soft, reassuring kiss.

I nodded, a sudden worry running through my head.

“Christian- am I bleeding?” I asked him.

“Bleeding?” He looked down at my body, and then back up at me again. “No- you’re not bleeding.” he told me.

I sighed heavily, “Ohhhh,” I said, and he smiled at me.

“Back in a minute,” he told me, and he suddenly got right off me, and he walked across the room and I heard a door open and a light flicker on.

Bathroom, I thought.

Lying there on my back naked without Christian covering me anymore, I began to feel a little cold. At least though, my breathing was more-or-less back to normal. I still felt a weird sensation between my legs, though.

I sat up a little bit, and fumbled around until I was underneath the white duvet of the bed. I pulled the covers around me and lay there on my side, my back to the bathroom, blinking and just feeling how my body was reacting to the sex.

I heard the toilet flush, and the light flick off and the door close behind me. I heard Christian’s footsteps come over to the bed, and a little cold draft, as he climbed into bed beside me.

“Katherine?”

“Mmm?” I mumbled, and then I felt his naked body cuddle up to me again. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and entwined my legs with his. He nuzzled and kissed my neck affectionately for a few seconds before saying, “that was amazing.”

I forced a smile before feeling him rest his head onto mine, his chest pressed up to my back. I lay there for a few seconds, eyes wide open, adrenalin still pumping away.

But then it died down, my heavy eyes closed, and my brain shut down completely as I fell fast asleep.

My eyes very slowly flicked half open, and then after a couple of blinks, they fully opened. I widened them and kept on blinking until I could focus on what was in front of me.

It was very light- very bright straight away. A pale, yellow sunny light coming from a window somewhere.

As my eyes focused, and my head awoke, the only part of me awake, I saw a wooden chair against the wall in front of me. I stared at it blankly for a few seconds, before frowning in confusion.

Where had that chair come from? I don’t have a chair in my room.

I blinked and kept looking, expecting it all to blur away from the dreams I was replacing with reality, but it didn’t budge.

I really don’t recognize that chair, I thought to myself, confused. What’s it doing there?

I felt the rest of my body waking up then, and I shifted in position a little bit. Immediately, I felt something clasped around my waist.

And as soon as I felt that, it was like a chain, and I felt new thing after new thing after new thing.

I felt something tangled with my legs. Something against my back, and a warm heat on my neck.

I felt something cuddled right beside me, holding me tight.

I caught sight of the white duvet, and suddenly, suddenly I began to tighten up in shock, as last night came flooding back to me.

Oh…… my…… God……

I suddenly realized- suddenly everything came to me as clear as day.

Where I was.

Who I was with.

What I had done last night with him.

And when we had done it.

On our first date.

I lay there, paralysed in shock.

Ohhhhh… shit.

What the hell have I done?!