~hiya every1! Hope you all had a lovely xmas and are not all ill like moiiiiiii! Hehe. Neways, here is chap 20 of the now infamous LTD! Haha. Am so happy at the response I got from last chap, and you all seemed to think it was quite tasteful, lol, even if some of you were slightly shocked! Here’s what happened the morning after then… ooooooh dear, haha~

Chapter Twenty

Regret.

Big word. Big, big word. Is totally overused, I feel, by people. People regret things too much. How do you know when to regret something, and when to accept it as a ‘learning curve’? Something which will build you into the person you will eventually become.

Regret comes from mistakes ultimately; and in order to decide whether regret is the right word, you need to breakdown the ‘mistake’ part.

Was it a complete error? An unavoidable mistake? One that you would have done, given the chance, 1000 times over?

Or should you have known better. Was it a mistake that should never really have happened, if you’d bothered to think, or at least, care.

Then, it was regret.

And regret too; if the consequence of that mistake was bloody huge.

Regret; big word, overused. But maybe, a word I needed here.

It means feeling sorrow or disappointment about something which has happened or been done.

And that’s what I was feeling right now, laying in this strange new double bed, with Christian right next to me.

Regret.

I regretted last night. I was disappointed with myself. I was sorry it had ever happened.

Now I just lay there, absolutely frozen stiff, not daring to move, heart thudding away, at the realization that:

a) I was in bed with Christian!

b) We’d just had our first date last night, and

c) I’d gone and fucking shagged him, too.

I knew right there and then, without a sudden’s hesitation, that this relationship was now screwed up. And my whole life probably was, too.

Ughhhh…

I swallowed heavily, nerves multiplying through my body, as… God, what the hell had I been thinking last night?!

How could I just have slept with Christian on our first date?!!

That’s so… slutty!! Talk about easy, Kate!! I might as well have a big sign attached to my head saying:

‘It’s easy to forget, so don’t forget to be easy!’

But more than pissed off with myself, I was feeling so, so ashamed… embarrassed… self-conscious… nervous.

Sleeping with someone is such a big deal. That’s why I don’t do it a lot.

But I’d just gone and slept with Christian from a1.

Bugger.

I felt soooo incredibly self-conscious… hellllooooo, I’m naked here!!.. the first thing I had to do was get as much space between him and me as possible.

So, very carefully, I began untangling my legs with his, so I could at least have them free.

Uhoh. Biiiiiig mistake.

“Katherine?”

More like a shout than a whisper, my whole body jumped out of my skin, and tensed up with it.

Oh no… he was awake!! Even worse!

I really, really don’t wanna tell him.

How could I now?!! I felt so humiliated. I couldn’t speak, and even if I could, I didn’t know what to say.

I just turned myself back into a statue again, and hoped he’d drift off back to sleep.

But this was reality, not make believe, and that was never gonna happen.

“Are you awake?” He whispered to me, and I felt his hand on my stomach, I felt it stroke it a bit, before beginning to slowly wander dangerously down…

Woah. Stop there. I commanded in my head, and slowly squirmed to shake him off, even if it meant confirming I was awake.

“Ohhh, you are!” He said back, raising his voice a little now. Then I felt him seem to sit up a little bit from behind me, and then he leaned over me, and kissed my neck really softly before saying, “morning.”

I just gulped, my dry throat hurting a lot, my heart going at the rate of a cheetah on flat ground.

Oh go away pleeeeease, I pleaded. Leave me alone!!!

When my response was nothing, he said quietly, “Katherine?” Whilst, to my horror, gently turning me over to his side of the bed.

And I made direct eye contact with his face, his eyes, and at once it seemed, my heart just stopped.

Stopped in the utter terror and nervous panic I was feeling as I looked back at him.

Ooohhhhh, I shagged you!! I thought miserably, waiting to burst into tears.

As soon as he saw me though, for the first real time, proper eye contact, he smiled a huge smile.

‘Morning,” he repeated to me, not sensing the slightest thing wrong, and he lent down and started kissing me really affectionately on the lips.

And I couldn’t respond, I just couldn’t. Because I suddenly realized something which made me feel really hot, and devastated inside.

Christian didn’t regret it.

What we did last night, it wasn’t bothering him in the slightest.

When I saw his smile, when I saw the look in his eyes when he saw me just now… and the way he’s kissing me… and holding me, he does not regret last night at all.

He is so totally at ease… is content, is relaxed… oh my God, now I just felt awful.

Because I regretted it so much.

We were both thinking completely different things that morning… and it hurt me so much.

Christian didn’t seem to notice I wasn’t kissing him back, he just carried on regardless, pressing himself up really close to me in the bed- he was now on top of me, leaning over.

I just lay there doing nothing, as I had done last night, thought after thought racing through my head.

What do I do?!! I want to get out of here. I want to leave. I need to think, come to terms with what I’ve done.

My God, he’d been inside of me!

I need to think about where I go from here… last night was, I was slowly beginning to realize, the biggest mistake I’d made in my whole life.

He stopped kissing me.

Again, the smile; the ‘I’ve never been more happier’ one shone at me, and he said, “I can’t believe I’m waking up next to you. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.”

And he brushed the hair off my face, just so he could see all of me.

I felt like choking up, and bursting into tears right then.

Oh- why does he have to feel like this?! ‘Cos I don’t; I feel the opposite.

I can’t give him what he needs.

He was smiling the biggest beam at me… ohhhh, he looked so adorable. His hair was all fluffy! The top hairs all stood up from being slept on, and were ever so slightly messy. And even those eyes that looked so shiny and happy, they looked sleepy, too. He had this cute ‘just woken-up’ aura about him.

And I suddenly found myself- and hating myself for it- feeling sorry for him.

He’s happy, I thought, because of what happened last night. He remembers it; he enjoyed it, he wanted it to happen, he doesn’t regret it. He’s feeling contented, relaxed, probably excited… haha, definitely excited.

Me, on the other hand, I feel really dirty. I can’t believe I did that. I’m disappointed with myself for allowing it to happen, humiliated at how much of a slag I must look, and self conscious because I had just had sex with a famous pop star.

And was lying naked in bed with him.

No wonder my skin was burning, and my head was shouting, “RUN!”

“You ok, and everything?” He asked me, continuing to play with the little strand of hair he’d found on the corner of my face.

I just nodded at him. What else could I do?

Say, “no, I feel awful- oh my God, I slept with you!!” ?!!

Erm, no! Talk about crushing his elation.

I couldn’t do that, it was too hurtful. I couldn’t tell him how I was really feeling. How much would he be upset?

And oh my God- Tim!!

Why the hell had I suddenly thought about him?!!

I shifted, uncomfortable.

What the hell must my face look like? I wondered. I must look so petrified and confused. How is he not noticing?!!

By startling coincidence, and then contrast, he suddenly said, “you look so beautiful,” and leant down and started kissing me again, fondly and appreciatively a few times before coming for surface and saying, “I enjoyed last night so much.”

Noooooo, I cried in my head, feeling all my hope, everything just close up inside me. Don’t say that, pllllllease…

I forced a smile back, making it say, “awww, did you?”

I couldn’t make him realize how much grief and remorse I was feeling about the whole thing.

He gave me a quick kiss again. “I’m so glad we did that.”

Was he just trying to make me feel worse?!!

I really didn’t want him saying stuff like that. He was obviously completed blinded by the sex that we’d had.

After that comment, he looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to reply.

But was I to say?! “Ahhh, me too” ?!!

No, no, no! This was soooo wrong.

What the hell am I doing here?! I screamed aloud in my head.

I need to go home.

I couldn’t say anything back though, and he just laughed at me. “You’re quiet this morning,” he said, nuzzling my face a little bit, giving me little kisses around my nose and eyes, “and soooo cute!” He added.

Oh dear… being affectionate like this the ‘morning after’ was not a good sign. And the fact that he was moving his hands a lot… uhoh. Oh no!

His little kisses carried on round to my ear, where he whispered, “can I wear you out again?”

Noooo-he wants to make love again!!!

Well, no way- out of the question, definitely not.

And as he was almost seeming to get into position, I realized I finally had to do something, so I grabbed his hands under the covers and pulled them to a safe area, stopping him doing anything.

“Not… not now,” I forced myself to say, not wanting this mess to get any worse.

“You ok?” He checked with me, instantly moving the arm I’d just moved and put it on my forehead, gently stroking it.

I just nodded again, trying to get him off my case.

“Shall I go and get us a coffee?” He asked, and those words could not have come sooner!!

Yes, please- get away from me!

It’s not that I didn’t want him anymore… but God, I don’t care what we’d done last night, he was naked. And on top of me, and I really needed some space, I felt so self-conscious. I was trying to cover myself even now. I didn’t even need to think about whether I wanted one or not, I just nodded at him eagerly.

Anything to get him out of this bed.

“Ok then,” he said, giving me a quick kiss, “back in a minute.”

And then he moved off me, to my utmost relief, and I grabbed the covers and pulled them to me tight.

On his side though, he flung the covers open, and sat up, and started pulling on some clothes… I daren’t even look.

I just concentrated on the ceiling above me, breathing hard through nerves and clenching my toes together.

He got up then, and I watched him clad in boxers and T-shirt, disappear out of the room into the hallway.

As soon as he was completely gone, it was like such a release.

I didn’t waste any time.

I quickly sat myself up, holding the covers to me, and stared down my side of the bed, and yup: it was where all our clothes were from last night. Strewn around on the floor.

I found my underwear, and put that on really quickly, trying to look a bit more suitable.

Then I began searchingly looking for my bra, or vest-top, or something, when I suddenly remembered I hadn’t worn one due to my kerchief top.

Shit!

Now what?!

Realizing there was nothing else I could put on, without getting Christian to raise an eyebrow in suspicion something might be wrong, I pulled up the duvet, right up to my neck and pulled it round my body under my arms, covering up any other part of me I really didn’t want Christian to see. Then I pulled my knees up to me and hugged them tight.

Oh- what am I going to do?!

This was all such a mess. I couldn’t believe I’d slept with him last night. I really, really must have not been thinking clearly.

Under no ordinary circumstances would I ever do that!

Not on a first date. It’s too sleazy. I tried to remember last night, but it was all really fuzzy. Christian must have really, really persuaded me.

Of course, there was no way I was thinking he’d raped me- I knew I’d gone along with it, I vaguely remember doing so.

But why the hell had I not said no?!!

Why had I not thought properly?

‘Cos now I’ve slept with him… oh no.

Last night’s conversation suddenly came flooding back to me. About how Christian had said that he’d slept with a few English girls before, but it had never been anything serious.

It suddenly dawned upon me what I was.

Another notch on his bedpost.

Just another girl to sleep with.

Because, if you want it to be a serious relationship, you respect the girl enough not to sleep with her for at least the first few weeks.

But Christian had wanted to sleep with me. Straight away.

I was just a fling. I was going to go home today, and never see him again.

I sighed at my utter stupidity.

How had I not seen that coming? And the wine last night, too… ohhh, so stuuuupid, Kate.

I weighed up the possibility of perhaps legging it there and then, shove on my clothes, creep out of the flat, and go.

But of course I had no car with me, he’d driven me. And I had no idea where abouts in Greenwich I was.

And he’d see me leaving anyway, it was inevitable.

What to do, then?!!

I had to stay here. Deal with all the, “well that was fun, Katherine, I’ll call you sometime!”

Not.

Never.

Hey- you were a good shag, bye now!

I felt my eyes burning up, feeling the tears wanting to come, but I forced them away. Don’t cry Kate; don’t look pitiful.

I didn’t like all my emotions being messed around like this. Once Christian was gone… am I gonna be able to get over this? I wondered.

I turned my head to the side, facing away from the door, and started to rock myself gently, trying to relax myself.

But it was so hard. My chest felt so tight, wanting to explode. My eyes wanted to burst into tears.

But I kept it all inside.

Resigned to not being able to do anything other than stay where I was, I curled myself up into a little ball, rocking, hoping that soon, this whole nightmare would come to an end.

Everything happens for a reason, I forced myself to think. This ordeal has taught you some valuable lessons. You’ll probably be grateful later on. As far away as that seemed. ‘Cos all I seemed to be thinking now was my whole life is totally screwed up.

The door opened.

“Hey look- I made us toast as well!” Came a very happy voice, and footsteps. “I thought we may as well have a bit of breakfast. We deserve it after all!”

His laugh to accompany his good mood suddenly halted, as did his footsteps.

I didn’t turn around to look at him, I just stared at the wall.

But I knew he’d seen me.

“Katherine?” I heard something being put down, and then him walk over to me, and then sit down on his side of the bed.

Still, I didn’t budge.

“Katherine, what’s the matter? What’s wrong?” He asked anxiously, now worried.

He’d guessed something finally was wrong. But I hadn’t exactly hidden it this time, had I?

But I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t. It brought back regret from last night, and I couldn’t bear to see how happy he looked to how miserable I felt inside.

“Katherine?” He repeated. When I didn’t reply, I felt him take my hands from under my face and I stopped rocking.

He tilted my head towards him, so I had to look at him, and I just looked back hopelessly, the, ‘I’m about to cry’ look, that I couldn’t conceal.

He looked back at me, with big, worried eyes, his whole expression holding only concern for me.

“What’s the matter?” He asked worriedly.

Oh, I didn’t want to hurt him. Although I was only a fling, I realized that now. So maybe I was only going to end up damaging his ego.

The damage being I was going to have to tell him what was wrong.

I sighed, and took my hands away from his so I could hold the duvet to me again, and I stared at the bed.

“Christian, I…” I didn’t know what to say, where to start.

“Are you okay? Don’t you feel very well? Did I hurt you last night?” Concerns tumbled out of his mouth.

“No… no, I’m fine,” I told him.

“Then, what is it?” He asked. “You look really upset.”

“It- it’s last night,” I said.

“What about last night?” He said, coming in closer, trying to echo the intimacy.

“It should never have happened,” I blurted out.

Didn’t look at him; couldn’t look at him.

“Erm…” He paused for a moment. “P-P-Pardon?”

“It should never have happened,” I said, hugging my knees hard. “I didn’t know what I was doing, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and, and, it was a huuuuge mistake. I wish I’d never done it, and- oh God,” I put my head in my hands. “It’s such a mess.”

My whole head was swimming.

It just felt like everything was getting worse and worse.

If someone looked into the bedroom right now, what the hell would they think of this scene? This whole charade? It was just crazy.

I should never have let it get this serious.

I never thought I’d ever have a one-night stand.

Christian, sounded completely flabbergasted. “W-What do you mean?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, feeling like crying. I took my hands away from my face. “I feel so used.”

“Used?! Why do you feel used?!!” He cried.

I sighed. “Because last night… it meant nothing, and it’s gonna be over now, and I’m so… so… screwed up,” I said heavily.

“You- what?! It meant ‘nothing’?!!” Christian sounded absolutely shocked.

“Christian-“

“You’re saying last night meant nothing to you?!!” He cried. He sounded sooo upset.

“Christian- no! I didn’t know what I was doing. I wasn’t thinking straight!”

“But- but- I never forced you to do anything!” He cried.

“I know, I know! I’m not saying that,” I protested.

“Then what are you saying?!” He said.

“You are not a slut!” He said, making me look at him.

“I’m saying that if I had been thinking clearly, there’s no way I would have slept with you! Like I said, I don’t sleep with guys on a first date… I feel like such a slut right now…”

“You are not a slut!” He said, making me look at him.

For the first time I could see just how upset he looked, and I felt like my heart was breaking.

“Christian- it was a mistake. A huge mistake-“

“You think that?” He asked me, being composed and serious now.

“Yes, I think that! I don’t do one-night stands, Christian.”

“You think this is a one-night stand?!” He asked, seeming to be shocked and surprised by everything I said.

“Yes! That’s what you do, isn’t it?” I said, bitterly. “Sleep with random girls.”

“You think I was using you for sex?” He said to me, sounding seriously hurt.

I didn’t reply, knowing the answer was yes, but feeling too embarrassed to say so.

“Oh my God- I can’t believe you think that!” He cried, shifting position away from me, his mouth hanging open in horror, and he shook his head.

But I couldn’t comfort him, and tell him, “no, of course not”, because it wasn’t true.

I did think he was just using me for a fling.

Neither of us said anything, Christian too shocked for words, and me feeling as awkward as hell.

“I should go,” I whispered, after a time.

“Why?” He cut me off, looking back at me. “Why do you think that?”

I looked back at him blankly.

“Don’t you think I care about you?” He said forcefully to me, his eyes shining in passion. “Don’t you know how much I enjoyed last night?!”

I sighed, rolling my eyes a little in frustration. “Christian-“

“Last night… last night was amazing!” He said to me.

“How could it be ‘amazing’, Christian?” I retorted back. “How? I just laid there, doing nothing! You did all the work, I didn’t do anything for you! It was so one-sided it was unbelievable- you think that’s amazing?!”

Oh my God, what the hell have I said? I thought to myself, as soon as I saw his reaction to that.

He looked like he’d just been hit in the face. The hurt was undeniable, the deep, deep hurt he was showing in his eyes.

He looked down, as if he was avoiding me seeing him cry.

“It was that bad?” He whispered shakily.

I sighed. “Christian- it wasn’t bad, it was just-“ God, how could I comment? I could barely remember it.

All I could remember was that I’d just laid there, and not done a great deal. And how could he be happy with that? Think it was ‘amazing’?

“You didn’t come last night… did you?” He said softly, cutting me off.

“Huh?” I said, confused. Didn’t come where?!

He looked back up at me. “You didn’t come during the sex… did you?”

I really blushed when he said that. That was a really sore point that he’d focused on, for me.

I looked away from him. “So what? I don’t climax very often anyway,” I said, almost a mumble.

“But I obviously didn’t satisfy you enough,” Christian went on. “I didn’t really think about it at the time. I knew you hadn’t come, but I was so excited about what we’d just done, I kinda pushed it away, and concentrated on the good part… I guess… I guess I obviously don’t ‘do’ it for you when we’re making love.”

“Christian- don’t be so silly,” I said, not wanting to go into a heavy discussion about mine, or his sex-life right now- it was way too early in the morning. “Point is- the sex shouldn’t have happened at all. I didn’t come here for sex, so why did it happen? And I’m not blaming you- don’t worry! I don’t think you raped me or anything! I knew perfectly well what I was doing… just, why the hell didn’t I stop it?!!”

I sighed heavily, burying my head in my hands again. It was my only haven at the minute.

“You really regret last night- don’t you?” He said dejectedly.

I nodded furiously, dragging my hands down my face. “Should never have let it happen.”

“I wasn’t using you for a one-night stand, Katherine,” Christian said earnestly. “Please don’t think that. I just really, really wanted last night.”

“Well, I wasn’t ready for it,” I replied. Ugh, no way, I thought.

“Was it too soon?” Christian asked.

“Muuuuuch too soon,” I stressed. “I barely know you!”

“I just… I just assumed you were as ready as I was. I didn’t even think about sleeping with you… until, until we were on the sofa. When we were kissing on the sofa… I suddenly realized I had to make love to you, I had to.”

“Oh God,” I repeated hiding my head again.

“I know you think last night was a big mistake,” Christian said. “But I don’t. I don’t regret it at all. I thought it was amazing then, and I still think it was amazing now. I’m really worried that I didn’t please you enough last night, that you were saying all of these things because I’m useless in bed.”

“Christian,” I said slowly, and firmly, “please trust me when I say it was nothing including the sex. It’s nothing to do with how good it was, or whatever- it’s-“

“Did you enjoy it?” He interrupted.

“Sorry?”

“Did you enjoy the sex? Whilst we were having it- did you enjoy it then?”

“Christian, in all honesty I don’t remember,” I sighed. “Last night was so weird. It was like all my emotions shut down, and it was like, watching us from outside myself. It was like a dream, I didn’t feel I was there at all.”

“So- that wasn’t the problem?” He asked.

“No, the problem was that we actually had sex. Oh my God- I can’t believe I slept with you,” I whispered to myself, shaking my head.

“You really do regret it,” Christian said, as if it was finally clicking in.

“Yes, I want to take it all back, but I can’t! Sleeping with someone is so… is so… huge. I can’t deal with this now. I have so much going on in my head…”

“Like what?” Christian probed. “Come on Katherine, let me in,” he pleaded.

“I have… I have a lot of things on my mind…” I struggled.

“Like…?”

“… Tim,” I sighed.

God, I can’t believe how he’d suddenly come into my head once I’d slept with Christian. I hadn’t even thought about him once since… well, in that way, since Christian and I had kissed on the bus… a week ago today.

Oh my God- what the hell was I doing sleeping with someone in less than a week of meeting them?!!

But Tim… it felt so weird. He’d been the only guy I’d thought about shagging for absolutely ages. And now, I’ve gone and done it, for real, and with Christian… it was like a huge shock to the system. Like… I’d cheated on him…?

Christian looked at me a little hesitantly. “Who’s Tim?” He asked quietly.

Oh hell, I thought. I really don’t wanna have to tell him about Tim. It’s so pathetic and embarrassing.

But I’d said… and he wanted to know…

I sighed. “Tim… Tim’s this guy… I’ve been in love with him for about two years,” I said, away from his face, and feeling really stupid and ashamed. “But… he’s got a girlfriend, Rachel. But I’ve been crazy about him for ages…. A huge, huge crush.”

I looked up at him to see how he was taking it so far.

He just stared back at me, soaking up all this new information. I could see almost, all the thoughts processing through his mind: thinking: “I’m not the only guy in her life.”

And I think it really disturbed him.

“You’re in love with someone?” He said to me.

“Noooo… not really! I’m getting over him now… he was… he was really horrible to me…” I shuddered at the reminder. “It’s just such a long, slow painful process. I don’t wanna be with him or anything, not anymore… but he’s just been so dominant in my life…”

“Do you wanna be with me?” Christian asked softly.

“Huh?” I said.

“Do you wanna be with me?” Christian repeated, looking deep into my eyes. “Cos I sure as hell wanna be with you.”

“I don’t know what I want, Christian,” I sighed. “I’m so confused right now. My brain feels like a firework.”

“I meant what I said last night you know,” Christian said shyly, looking down at the bed covers, playing with his hands. “I meant it when I said I was falling in love with you.”

“Christian…” I sighed heavily, don’t do this to me, I thought. Please don’t.

“In fact, I’d even go as far as saying I am in love with you,” Christian said, looking at me when he said that.

“Christian- you’re not in love with me,” I sighed. “You’re just kidding yourself. Take a step back and look at our relationship. Think how much you know me, how long you’ve known me. Hardly at all. We met, what, a week ago? There’s no way love develops that fast!”

Hurt was beginning to build up in his eyes again. The way I kept rubbishing any feelings he had for me as stupid and untrue; false-sighted.

But I couldn’t see how he was in love with me.

It was like with Matt. He was just kidding himself- making himself think that he was in love with me, when he really wasn’t.

“But Katherine, I do love you… I’ve never felt like this about anyone be-“

“Christian, don’t make it more difficult for me,” I pleaded, silencing him.

So he stopped and we just sat there, me fiddling with the duvet cover, and Christian just staring at me.

“So what do you want me to do?” He finally asked.

“I want to go home,” I told him firmly, looking up at him. “I want you to take me home, I need to think… I need to think about last night, what happened, how I feel… get things sorted out. I need some space and some time to think.”

“What’s going to happen?” Christian asked, a little nervously.

“I don’t know… I’m in limbo at the minute,” I laughed a little, trying to soften the ever hardening atmosphere. ‘Give me some time.”

“Do you still want a relationship?” He asked abruptly, like he was desperate to know the answer.

“I’m not sure,” I told him honestly, wondering if we could get over this mistake we’d made.

That really frightened him, I could tell. His eyes looked so strained, like he was keeping them from something.

Tears?

“I’ll drive you home, then,” he said, looking away from me. “You don’t want coffee? Or the toast?”

“No thank you.” Again I laughed a little, probably inappropriately. ‘I’m really not hungry.”

Bless him though, for trying. At least I knew he didn’t want me as a fling.

At least, I think I knew.

But he thought so much of last night… his feelings for me seemed so strong and so suddenly, it was all a bit scary for me. Treading new water.

At least he was taking me home, now… I’d be able to sort myself out there. I had a lot to think about. And I really wasn’t looking forward to it.

Christian seemed… shaken; quiet, worried. I hated seeing him like that.

“We’ll just get dressed then,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Okay,” I replied.

And we just sat there.

“Erm… do you mind… turning around, whilst I get dressed?” I asked him. “Please?”

I’d never seen so much hurt in his eyes, not all morning even, until I said that.

His eyes seemed to break the barrier they were holding then, and they glistened over. Even though we’d had sex last night, I wasn’t comfortable with him.

And he knew that, and it stung. It stung really, really badly.

Even though we’d been really intimate with each other last night, and he’d seen me naked, and I knew he’d seen me naked… I just felt so self-conscious. I didn’t want him seeing me like that again. Not right now. It was a part of me I wanted to keep well hidden, as I had before. It was amazing he’d got that close to me, anyway.

But his eyes… he looked so hurt, so devastated.

Like I was closing him out.

“Okay,” he said softly, and he turned his back to me.