I lay there sobbing my heart out for what seemed like
hours. All the pains and stresses that had been built up inside me were finally
being released in the best way I knew how.
I’d really been wanting to cry all morning, ever since I’d
woken up and realised that I was in bed with him.
But I’d kept it in, forced myself to try and be calm and
firm with him when explaining how I felt, instead of falling into a mass of
tears.
But now he was gone… and I was all alone… I could just show
how I was really feeling- absolutely devastated. Crushed. Deflated. I was
suffering so much.
The pain inside hurt so bad- I think I was feeling what a
broken heart was like. I’d never had one before until now.
I’d just screwed up the best relationship I’d ever had…
without even properly beginning it!
I’d just rushed into something I wasn’t ready for, and now
look at me.
I’m an emotional mess.
I just kept sobbing out more and more until my eyes were
just too dry to cry anymore, and everything inside was just like a giant ache.
I lay there, listening to myself breathing and letting out the odd pathetic
sob, feeling so, so depressed.
And when the phone rang… ughh, it was just the last thing I
needed.
I let it ring for a bit, hoping it would stop, but it
didn’t.
So I slowly got up, and leant over groggily and picked it
up.
‘Hello?” I asked dryly.
“Kaaate! Therrrre you are!!” A voice squealed at me.
I sighed. Abbie.
“Kate- where the hell have you been?!! I’ve been trying to
phone you for ages!! You were supposed to phone last night, remember?! To fill
me in on all the juicy goss of the date?!! And there I was- I waited until
midnight for this phone call! But you never phoned!! That was sooo not fair,
Kate!! You promised me that you would, that you wouldn’t go straight to bed, or
forget!! You know I was wanting to hear all about this date- thee date!!
And you kept me waiting!!” She complained breezily, completely unaware
of anything being wrong.
But just listening to her going on about the date again, it
brought up a whole new fresh set of tears to my eyes and I filled up again.
“I’m sorry,” I whimpered.
There was a pause, and then she said in a distinct change
of tone, “Kate? Everything ok?”
“No!” I said, voice breaking and I began to cry
again.
That really seemed to catch her off guard!
“Kate… what’s the matter, hun?” She asked, concerned.
I felt so stupid blubbering on the phone like this… but I
just couldn’t stop the floodgates.
“Everything’s gone wrong!” I blurted out, sobbing
really hard.
“Hun- what’s happened? What happened on the date? Oh my
God- was it awful?” Concerned questions spilled out of her mouth.
I did feel as though I really needed to talk to somebody-
mainly Abbie- but over the phone?!! I couldn’t tell her all about spending the
night with Christian and how it’s fucked us up over the phone!
Just thinking how awful it was made me cry even more. I
couldn’t speak.
“Oh Kate- don’t cry! Please don’t cry!” Abbie said
to me, sounding really worried. “Oh dear…”
I just continued to cry. It hurt so much inside.
“Listen Kate… listen to me… I want you to come over here
right now. I’ll make you lunch, and you can tell me all about it,” Abbie said
firmly.
“Oh no… no I can’t…” I mumbled.
“Kate! Please- you need to talk to someone. Am not
leaving you in that state!” Abbie said back. “I’m all on my own here,
don’t worry. Come on, you’re crying! I’m worried about you!”
I sighed. Going out was the last thing I felt like doing at
the minute. But if I didn’t speak to Abbie, I felt like I’d burst.
“Kate… come on…” Abbie urged.
“Okay, okay,” I said croakily. “I just need to have a
shower and get changed.”
“Okay hunny… see you in an hour and a half, okay? Try and
stop crying! This can’t be something we won’t work out!” She said positively.
Oh yeah? I thought miserably. I wouldn’t be so sure
about that.
“See you soon,” I said, and I hung the phone up.
I sat there a moment, wiping my eyes, feeling as wretched
as hell.
I suppose I should get going… I desperately needed a
shower- and to get out of these bloody date clothes would be a Godsend.
I heavily got up and limped over to the bedroom, keeping my
head down, and then went into the bathroom. I ran the shower, and took all the
horrible clothes off, and tossed them to the corner of the room, trying to get
rid of them. Then I stepped into the shower, and tried to wash all the sordid
memories of last night away.
But being in the shower was even worse than wearing the
clothes. Because I had to touch all the skin that he’d too touched and kissed
and caressed. And it brought back so many memories… still not enough to give me
an idea of how good the sex had been… I honestly couldn’t remember that. It was
if the part of my brain that the information was in was closed off.
I could remember what we’d done physically at least, but
what kind of salvation was that, really? I’m been pretty useless just lying
there, doing nothing. He’d done all the work, I’d just received it. Still
didn’t understand how he classed it as ‘amazing’.
Maybe I was missing something that he wasn’t. Was annoying
how I couldn’t remember how good he was. Whether I’d come or not didn’t bother
me… was embarrassing statistic, but I’ve only ever had 2 orgasms in my life. I
just… don’t get them. That didn’t mean the guy was useless, I was obviously
just awkward! And Christian had seemed really upset that he hadn’t ‘satisfied’
me, and he thinks that’s why I’m ‘running off’ partly… I know he does.
And that really wasn’t it at all; but as much as I
tried to tell him that, he didn’t believe me.
And no amount of water was going to take off what he’d done
to me. No matter how much soap I used.
I soon found myself rushing my shower, so I could quickly
get out, and leave all the sexual memories behind.
Once that was finished, I wandered into my bedroom, and put
on some fresh clothes. It was getting on for half past 10 now. It was going to
be a very early lunch at Abbie’s!
But… ohhh, I was probably just going to spend most of the
time crying on her shoulder. About how I’d just lost the closest relationship
I’d ever had.
I let myself drop onto the bed and sighed. I really didn’t
know what to do.
Do I carry on seeing him? Even though we’d gone and broken
my first date rules? And things were so strained between us- we can’t
just carry on as normal. That’s impossible. You can’t just sweep it under the
carpet like nothing had happened. Things had really changed between us now-
after being that intimate with each other, it hasn’t brought us close together,
it’s pulled us far apart.
But just thinking about if I broke up with him… if we
didn’t try to sort things out…
I’d be left with two things.
If we broke up, it would go down as a one-night stand. And
that made me feel really bad, because I’m serious about love, and have strict
rules on it, and having that in my history… I just didn’t want it. That’s why I
couldn’t believe that I’d slept with him. I don’t sleep with just anybody- I
get to really, really know the person first. And that takes more than one date-
it takes about one month.
And I didn’t like to have things in my past that I have to
hide to stop myself having an emotional breakdown. I like to get them sorted
out, so that I look back… maybe not fondly, as sleeping with Christian
on our first date was not something I was proud of… but at least I could kind
of be at peace with the situation. It would only be resolved though, if we
talked about it again. I’d have to see him again…
The other thing I’d be left with is no Christian. No
Christian being the perfect boyfriend, being the sweetest guy ever and the only
one who could make me feel beautiful.
Why did I have to have slept with someone who mattered so
much?!
Life without Christian would be so empty, I knew it. He was
the best thing that had happened to me in ages- I can’t believe I’m losing it
so fast.
I cursed myself quietly, wondering how I could have been so
stupid, and I knew I was going to start crying again.
Time to go see Abbie, I thought. I walked back into the
living area, and stopped dead when I looked over at the kitchen.
What the hell was I gonna do with these roses he’d given
me? And this vase?
I couldn’t just throw the roses away, and hide the vase in
a cupboard… could I?
No. That wasn’t fair!
But they reminded me so much of him, and it was
painful.
In the end, I just decided to leave them where they were
and get out of the this flat.
I grabbed my car keys and locked up, jogging down the steps
into the sunny Saturday afternoon. I remembered doing that last Saturday
morning, and I’d been heading out to the shops, then. And then my car broke
down, I took the bus and met the most amazing guy I’d ever known…
No Fiat Punto here, anymore. I went over to my Honda, got
in, and started driving to Abbie’s house.
The silence everywhere was literally doing my head in… it
kept me thinking about Christian constantly. The first opportunity I got, I flicked
on the car radio to try and block out the thoughts, and was immediately greeted
by,
Another
night, another day, what can I say?
You’re
still the same old brand new you
Arargghhh, I cried, flicking it off again, catching my
breath.
Don’t do that to me!! I cried at it. I will
not take that as a sign!
I had to drive the rest of the way in silence. Think I
nearly jumped a red light about 5 times, I was on edge so much, and my mind was
just racing at 100 thoughts a second. I just wanted to get there- I needed some
comfort desperately, ‘cos I was all over the place and messed up inside.
All the emotions were spinning around again… I really
shouldn’t be driving.
I finally came to Abbie’s house, and got out of the car,
and made the way to the doorstep, knocking on the door.
I was shaking so much. I’d never felt so off-balance before
in my life.
Abbie opened the door, and as soon as she saw me, she came
to give me a huge hug.
“Ohhh Kate,” she said, and I just burst into tears again.
She hugged me harder. “Ohhh… what on earth has happened
that has made you so upset?! Let’s get you inside.” And she took me in, closing
the door behind her.
Abbie lived in a much bigger place than I did. It was an
actual house, unlike my appartment; with an upstairs and a downstairs. It had a lounge, dining room,
kitchen, 3 bedrooms, and a bathroom… they even had a garden!
They, being Abbie, Nicky and Debbie, they were all ‘flat
mates’ as they liked to call themselves, although this was far from a flat. It
was an old, beautiful house between Greenwich and London, and she was so lucky
to be living here.
But all I cared about at the minute was that the house was
empty so I could talk to Abbie in peace.
She led me into the lounge and ordered me to sit on the
sofa. She passed me a few tissues to help with my tears and said, “right, am
getting a coffee to settle you down… no; wait, that won’t do you much good!
I’ll make some peppermint tea. After all, it’s what a1 drink, and it’s a1 we’re
talking about here.”
Pleeeeease don’t mention them, or his
name! I thought, whilst crying. Makes me so upset.
“Back in two minutes!” She said, and then she left me to go
into the kitchen.
I used the tissues gratefully, and tried to control my
sobbing. But it was like a never-ending flow of sadness coming from deep, deep
within. I’d never pain like this before- I was worried it would never go away.
What if I never got over this? It’s been such a shock to my system… I can’t cope.
“Here,” Abbie rushed back in after a few minutes, with a
mug in each hand.
She passed the peppermint tea to me, and I let it warm my
hands a minute, and looked into it,
giving me something to focus on.
Abbie took a seat next to me, and put her arm around my
shaking shoulders. “Hunny, it’s alright, just… stop crying, stop the crying now,”
she soothed.
Why, when people say that, do you start crying even more? I
started choking out more tears, and they fell into the cup I was holding.
“Awww hun, don’t cry into your tea!” Abbie said lightly.
“Come on, dry your eyes… tell me everything.”
I sniffled a little, and tried to take a few deep breaths
to compose myself, whilst wiping my eyes. I wanted to be able to talk.
She gave me a few comforting rubs on my back, and looked at
me with a distressed look on her face. “Kate- I’ve never seen you look so upset,”
she said to me, face not changing. “What on earth happened last night?
That’s got you in this state?”
I tried to tell her, but the words wouldn’t come out.
I suddenly realised I was afraid to tell her what I’d done.
I was so ashamed of it- what was she going to think of me?!
Abbie’s not the kind to sleep with people early either,
she’s like me. She’d be so shocked… and disappointed…
“Kate?” She said. “Tell me what happened.”
Oh, how the hell could I?!
I just kept my head down.
“Oh Kate,” she sighed.
“Was he a complete prick to you?”
“No!” I said, looking up, shaking my head, “no… it’s
not his fault. He was lovely. It’s my fault… all my fault,” I sobbed.
“What’s your fault?” She asked softly.
“That we slept together,” I mumbled out, and then I put my
head in my hands and started crying all over again.
Abbie just looked at me… her eyes widening in surprise, and
her mouth opening a little. She was really, really shocked.
“You… what?” She cried, amazed.
I cried more, due to her reaction. “I slept with him,” I
repeated miserably- and leant over and put my mug on the table so that I could
properly cry into my hands.
I knew she was probably appalled by what I’d done. I knew
I’d let her down.
“Well, I… I…” She was lost for words. “Kate- that is so
not like you!” She cried.
“I know, I know!” I wailed. “I’ve completely screwed it
up!”
“Ohhh hunny…” She didn’t know what to say to me, because
she agreed with me. I had screwed up big time. “Are you sure?!” She
asked.
I thought that was an odd comment to make. Of course I was
sure I’d slept with him!! “Er… yeah!!” I replied, shakily.
“Why did you do that? Hun, you never do that! Even
if it was Christian a1, surely!” She protested.
I shook my head. “I wasn’t thinking straight, Abbie. I
didn’t really know what I was doing!! And yet… at the same time… I did… and
ohhh, I don’t know- it just happened! And now… now I’ve lost the best
thing that’s ever happened to me!”
“Ohhh hunny… how… how did it all happen anyway?” She asked,
still a little baffled. “I mean… how the hell did someone like you end
up in bed with him?!”
I laughed a little, wiping my eyes. “It’s a long story.”
“Ok… start from the beginning,” Abbie said, settling
herself a little. “Tell me everything that happened.”
I sighed, but now I’d got the ‘big’ detail out of the way,
I felt a lot more composed and could talk.
“Well… he picked me up as he said he would. And… and he
brought me some roses and a vase too…”
“Hmmm, cute,” Abbie observed. “But why a vase?”
“Another story,” I half-smiled.
“Ahh, alright. Okay, so he showered you with gifts- what
next?”
“We went for dinner. He kissed me in the car, actually.
Because I’d got all nervous about the date, and he had to reassure me a lot.
And dinner at Alessandro’s was really nice… and we talked a lot, about all sorts
of things… and it was all going really well,” I explained.
Abbie nodded.
“And… then we went to the cinema, and saw ‘The Gift’…
and that was good, too. It was all so perfect,” I choked out the last bit.
“So… what happened?” Abbie asked.
I sighed. “We were in the car, and he was taking me home,”
I said. “But… but then halfway there, he asked me if I wanted to come back to
his flat for a coffee…”
“Oh no!” Abbie cried, sitting up. “Oh no! Not that old
one!”
I laughed. “That’s exactly how I reacted,” I said to her.
“I thought he was just trying to get me into bed, but he swore he wasn’t, and
that he just wanted a coffee with me somewhere quiet, so we could talk. He
didn’t want our date to end.”
“He lied?” Abbie said.
“Not exactly,” I replied. “I think he was telling the
truth. So, I believed him, and we went back to his flat. And it’s really nice
there…” I stopped a minute, and seemed to go into a trance of last night, and I
saw him explaining to me about all the a1 pictures again…
I seemed to get really caught up in that memory, that I
hadn’t realised I’d stopped talking. I could see him pointing to each one, and
hear his voice… and see me nodding, and laughing…
“Kate?”
I snapped out of it. “Oh… erm… we sat down then, and erm,
had wine instead of coffee,” I spurted out.
Abbie raised an eyebrow. “Alcohol, huh? Hmmm.”
“I didn’t get drunk, Abbie,” I reassured her. “I didn’t
even get tipsy.”
“Stiiiiiill… alcohol. Hmmm.” She didn’t look convinced at
all.
“I only had about two glasses… if that. I think all it did
was make me a little tired,” I defended.
“Well, it obviously didn’t clear your mind, did it?!” Abbie
said. It sounded like she was miffed with me then!
“Well… it was all fine, then. We just sat and chatted about
past relationships and stuff like that.”
“Ooooh… nice,” Abbie said, kinda sarcastically. “He tell
you all about his 15,000 girlfriends, then?!”
“Abbie,” I said, disapprovingly. “He really isn’t like
that.”
“Hmmm… how can you be so sure when he’s slept with you?
He’s obviously pretty good at talking girls into bed.”
“Abbie!” I said, now feeling disappointed at her
attitude, and sticking up for Christian a little bit. “It wasn’t all his fault!
I knew what I was doing! I… we started kissing, on the sofa, and it got pretty
heavy. And then… then he started to undress me a little bit, and I got really
pissed off with him and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing.”
“Well… good,” Abbie said. “But then what?!”
I tried to remember how it had all exactly happened. What
he’d said that had changed my mind… that had softened me up. Last night was so
fuzzy… what the hell had he said?!
But then… I remembered.
It all came back to me really clearly, I could hear him
saying it to me, leaning over me on the couch, and how he’d looked when he’d
said it. And hearing it now, it made me go all funny inside. He sounded so
sincere, so meaningful.
“I really wanna make love to you.”
I shivered a little. He really had meant that.
“Well?” Abbie said.
I didn’t want to tell her. It was too private between us,
too intimate. I’d feel embarrassed telling her. It was something that was only
really between me and him.
“He… he just told me something which made me go along with
him,” I said quickly, trying to brush it off before she asked me loads of
questions. “And then he asked me if I wanted to go to the bedroom, and I said
yes.”
“What did he tell you?” Abbie asked, not relenting.
“I don’t want to say,” I said shyly, feeling all flustered.
“Kate- tell me!” She insisted.
“No, I don’t want to.”
“Was it bad?”
“Nooo… it’s just… I can’t.” I was really blushing now.
Abbie noticed, and then said, “ahhh, I understand… Kate and
Chris dirty talk,” and she grinned.
“Noooo!” I quickly said back. “It’s not like that at all!
But… it meant a lot, and what he said, he meant it, too. He didn’t just say it
to get me into bed.”
“So… you slept with him, then?” Abbie said.
“Erm… yeah,” I said, feeling all awkward and embarrassed.
“Wow,” Abbie said simply. “So not like you… but… so- what
happened this morning, then?” She asked. “You do the one night stand thing and
sneak off before he’s woke up?”
I gave her a look. “You really think I’d do that?” I
said.
“Okay… so what did you say?” She asked.
“I told him I regretted it, big time. That I don’t sleep
with guys on first dates… how it was a big mistake, etc.”
“Ouch,” Abbie said. “How’d he take that?”
“Erm…” I felt really bad. ‘Not too well.”
“What was his view of things?” Abbie asked.
“Erm… he thought it was ‘amazing’, and was really glad we
did it,” I said.
“Ooooh dear! You both thought differently, then?” Abbie
said.
‘Pretty much,” I said lowly.
“So- was it, then?” Abbie asked, giving me a little nudge.
“Amazing?”
“I can’t remember,” I said honestly.
“KATE!” She laughed, astonished.
“I’m sorry… that does sound really heartless… but I
honestly can’t,” I told her. ‘It’s all blank.”
“Well,” she breathed. “Is Christian upset at all?”
Ohhh, big understatement of the year, there!
“Um…” I felt myself going red. “P…Pretty much.”
“Did you say anything else? Like- ‘I never wanna see you
again’?” Abbie asked.
“God- no!” I replied strongly. “I didn’t say that! I
just asked him to take me home, and he did. I said I needed to think about
things, have some space… decide what I was going to do.”
“And what’s that?” Abbie asked.
“I dunno!” I complained loudly, frustrated. “I’m so confused!
That’s why I’m in such a mess.”
“Ohhh hunny,” Abbie sighed at me. She looked up at the
table. “Go have a drink of your tea, it’s getting cold.” She added.
I did as she said, the drink cooling my dry throat a
little.
“Well… how do you feel about him? Not what happened- him?
‘Cos what happened, you can put behind you, surely? It’s him that matters,”
Abbie spoke up.
“Erm…” That was a new way of looking at it. “I dunno if we
can just carry on as normal, ‘cos it was such a big thing to happen, and I wasn’t
ready. Not at all. But him…” I suddenly remembered the one thing that touched
me about him.
He said he was in love with me…
“You really like him, dontcha?” Abbie said.
I looked up at her. “He says he’s in love with me, Abbie.”
She raised both her eyebrows. “What?!!”
I sighed. “He thinks he’s in love with me. I dunno. He
might just be saying it… he does sound as if he means it, though. I just don’t
get it. He’s known me barely a week.”
“Maybe love at first sight?” Abbie suggested. “I guess it
happens.”
“I don’t believe in that,” I told her.
“Maybe Christian does.”
I sighed. ‘Yeah, I know.” I took another sip.
‘You don’t seem happy, though…” Abbie said, studying me.
“I just… can’t believe he is. It’s pretty scary, too.
Really sudden. I can’t say ‘I love you’ back either… so, it’s just difficult.”
“Well- could you cope without him? You really wanna split
up with him?” Abbie asked.
I sighed. ‘No… not really. But what else can I do? I may
have no choice.”
Abbie shrugged. “Break?”
“Huh?”
“Have a break. Cool things off, see what happens.”
I gave her a strange look. “You think that would work?” I
asked hesitantly.
“Maybe better than completely breaking up with him. Of
course, you could always go back to him…”
I sighed. “But what if being with him feels awful? And all
I can think about is that mistake we made? Like- I dwell on it too much?”
“Think you have to talk to him, hun,” Abbie advised. “Or do
the break thing.”
I sighed heavily. “I dunno what to say… what to do… I have
to phone him tonight.”
“Do you? Why?”
“Just… to tell him how I’m doing, see if I can give him an
answer as to whether I want to be with him or not.”
“Well hun, I wouldn’t keep him waiting too long, it’s not
really fair, seeing as he seems to care so much about you.” She drank some of
her tea.
“What do you think I should do?” I asked her, curious and
needing opinions.
“Me? I dunno, that’s hard to tell, never been much of a
Christian fan myself,” she forced a smile at me. “Personally- I think you
should talk to him, and then I dunno.. maybe I’d go for the break thing if it’s
so hard. That’s what I think I’d do… but I guess it’s your decision.”
Ararghh- I hated that it was!! Why was I always the one
left with the difficult decision? Totally unfair!! I’m so indecisive.
“I’ve never been so confused in all my life,” I said, more
to myself than Abbie, but she laughed.
“Aww hun, you know this can all be sorted out in a second.
I don’t want things like this bothering you. Be straight with him when you
phone him tonight. Tell him how you really feel, and then you’ll know where you
both stand.”
“I think he wants to be with me,” I whispered.
“Well, talk things through… maybe… maybe you can try and
forget last night.”
“Maybe,” I mused, deep in thought. I think a talk with him
was definitely on the cards.
But what to say?
“Your decision, hun,” Abbie said. “Follow your heart.”