I stayed at Abbie’s for a lot of the afternoon, just
getting myself back together. She made me lunch, but I wasn’t really hungry, so
I didn’t eat that much. Abbie kept encouraging me to eat a little, but I just
couldn’t, there was too much churning in my stomach right now, anything I ate
would just come up again.
We talked more about last night and Christian, but I still
hadn’t come to any resolution about it. I was still as confused over our future
as ever.
I stayed at her house as long as I could, and felt I needed
to. But I’d remembered it was actually Grand Prix weekend, Brazil; and I wanted
to get back to watch the qualifying session. Maybe some F1 action would take my
mind a little off Christian. And then I’d have to phone him when it had
finished.
Bugger.
I left Abbie’s at 10 past 3, and got home for around half
past. It was weird being at the flat again after being at Abbie’s for so long.
It felt smaller than ever, and my eyes just kept looking over at the roses. I
couldn’t keep from looking at them.
I sighed- I couldn’t keep them in the sink forever. I
slowly went over to them, and picked them up out of the sink.
Ohhh… why were they so gorgeous?
Why were they from him?
Nevertheless, I took them over to the vase, and put them in
there, and then pushed them as far back on the counter as I could. Then I
stepped back and looked at them.
Ararghhhh. They were too beautiful to
throw away, but having them here made me feel uncomfortable, they reminded me
so much of him. He’d picked them out, carried them in his car, given them to
me…
I decided the roses were evil.
And they were only staying around because I loved flowers
so much. I just had to try and forget who they were from.
I checked the answer phone then- and there were no
messages.
I felt kinda sad when I saw that. But why would he
have phoned me? I have to phone him, remember?
I just wondered whether he was thinking about me as much as
I was thinking about him. Whether this really did matter to him. Or, if
I decided to break up with him, how long it would take him to get over me- and
move on.
I didn’t even want to think about moving on at this present
moment.
I popped the TV on, and qualifying, and then set about
making some dinner to eat through it. I still wasn’t very hungry so I decided
on just making a couple of boiled eggs and toast.
I sat down to qualifying at 4, and watched the Ferrari’s
dominate the session- Schumacher Snr picking up another pole position, closely
followed by teammate Barrichello and the two McLarens.
I ate my dinner methodically, trying to concentrate, but
all the time knowing the time to phone Christian was getting ever closer.
Qualifying finished at 5, and the programme completely at
5.15pm.
Switching the TV off, I sat there in baited silence,
working out I only really had one hour before I had to phone Christian.
One hour of thinking to do- to try and plan out this
conversation I was going to have with him.
Of course, I knew, I didn’t have to commit anything to him
today. I know Abbie had told me not to keep him waiting for too long, as that
wasn’t fair, but a day wouldn’t do much harm, would it? A good sleep might
help- the whole ‘things’ll look better in the morning’ saying coming into my
head.
But- I had to be sure what I told him was what I wanted. I
didn’t want to rush into a decision or anything, and then regret it later.
Hmmm, that word again, regret…
I sat back on the sofa, curling my feet up under me, and
took a deep sigh.
Ok- think Kate, think.
When you phone Christian… what are you going to say?
Exactly?
He’ll probably ask you how you’re feeling- and how is that?
Just- confused about what to do; I still regret having sex
with him so soon. Maybe not having sex with him… I think, and I really,
truly think this… I think he would’ve been my third. Eventually… when we’d
dated a lot more, and learnt more about each other. He wasn’t like any other
guy I’d been out with before; we really clicked. He was really special- and when
I was with him, I felt like I’d be with him for a quite some time.
But that was before we’d had sex.
Now that had happened, so soon, it was a really big
mistake. Could it be fixed… that was the question. Could we put it behind us
and move on? What if Christian demanded more from the relationship if we were
to continue?
He’s an average, normal guy. Wanting sex is like- expected.
And after last night, and by knowing the way he felt about it… he may want a
proper, full on sexual relationship now.
I- didn’t.
I wasn’t ready for one; no matter how much he meant to me.
It still pissed me off how I couldn’t remember what the
actual sex had been like. Why couldn’t I remember?!!
I could close my eyes and cringingly see everything we’d
done… but I couldn’t feel any of it. The only feeling I’d got throughout the
whole entire experience was the pain I’d had at the beginning of it, when he’s
first pressed into me. I was really surprised actually, that I hadn’t bled. I
hadn’t had sex for 2 years before that, and I don’t think I’d been totally
relaxed then either, muscles not relaxed. And sometimes I bled a little during
sex anyway, because I’m just weird. Was also surprised I didn’t feel sore this
morning when I’d woken up, but I felt fine. I did feel different though; my whole
body felt different after last night- like tingly all over.
It was weird having had sex again. And with someone whom I
barely knew.
God, I bet to some people that would have been so exciting,
having sex with a complete stranger, and for it to be Christian a1 too… what a
rush.
But it didn’t give me a rush. Not at all. ‘Cos I didn’t
take it physically, I took it emotionally.
I laid my head back on the cushion and sighed. Why was I
reacting like this? Why did it hurt me so much?
I closed my eyes in almost sheer pain of it all.
If only I could be like Christian. Have found it ‘amazing’;
and be in love… like he was with me…
When I opened my eyes again, I knew things had changed.
Everything was; looked, felt, dissimilar to me. I looked to my side and could see
that the light on in the room was causing a hazy warm aura around, and I knew
it was dark outside.
But- the room looked different.
It seemed different; like I wasn’t in my lounge anymore.
Like I was in another place.
But the thing bothering me the most was that I felt
different. I felt really weird all over… kind of… cold. And prickly; tense heat
tinged all over me. And I felt… I felt like there wasn’t just me. I sensed
somebody else here with me… here… inside of me.
And I looked up, and he looked back.
And even though I was scared, I didn’t even quiver. I just
looked right into his eyes, as he did me; as he leaned over me.
Then he moved in closer to me, and I could feel him moving
inside of me, and I felt some discomfort, but then it slowly ebbed away. And
then he stopped pushing as he fully got inside of me, and I felt my heart
beating really strongly in anticipation that we were about to make love.
“Ok?” He whispered to me.
I nodded back, unable to speak because I’d lost all my
breath with him inside of me.
And then he began to move up and down, push in and then in
again to me, slowly at first, building up and up. As if he was being cautious
with me.
It felt wonderful; like my whole body was on fire. I had to
open my mouth so I could keep taking in deep breaths, but I only let out really
shallow ones.
And he kept pushing; he didn’t stop, he kept going back for
more and more of me. And I know he liked it, ‘cos he was telling me so, he was
moaning to me, right in my ear, and he felt so full of pleasure… like he could
feel his whole body on fire, too.
And just hearing how he felt as he rocked me powerfully,
made me feel so aroused, and every hair on my body stand up.
This is the best sex I’ve ever had, my head
was screaming. I’ve never known it to be this good. No-one’s ever made me
feel like he does.
And he kissed my face a few times, quickly, taking in lots
of deep breaths as his moans got even more urgent.
And I felt myself begin to move with him, as he moved with
me I moved underneath him, and that gave us more and more enjoyment.
Moving together then, it felt so right… so, so special. We
were really making love… we were one.
Every time he pushed, I felt something new and different.
New and different and sensational. I felt so alive and full of absolute wonder
at how good it was; how good I felt. Sex was not supposed to be this brilliant…
not for me.
But I was breathing so heavily, squeezing my eyes closed
tight, as his hands moved all over my body and he moved everywhere inside of
me.
And then- he seemed to complete me.
“K-K-Katherine,” he choked out to me, “I-I-I think I’m
falling in love with you.”
I let out a long, long breath, more like a gasp, hardly
believing what I’d just heard.
He was falling in love with me… this love had brought him
close to me.
“Keep going, keep going,” I said, I didn’t want him to
stop. Ever. Even though I could feel him about to come. His moans had turned to
cries; he was in so much elation. That was why, when he tried to speak, he
couldn’t.
“B-But Katherine,” he kept breathing hard, breaking it with
the odd cry of emotion- he must really be feeling something.
And then, he really, really began to thrust into me, he
drove in fast and deep, touching the further most parts inside if me and oh my
God, it was like he knew. He knew what I wanted and needed, and I felt
all these sensations run up my back, flow all through my body and take all my
breath away. I felt it catch in my throat- I felt like I was about to explode.
And then; he came inside of me and let out a deep moan as
he reached total satisfaction.
He stopped moving, and just lay inside of me, panting for
breath.
I felt all the rush inside of me die down… I’d lost what I
was about to get, but I didn’t care. He’d come, and he was still inside of me…
I felt so whole; so complete.
It was perfect.
I caught my breath back too, and he laughed at me, in
delight, a huge grin on his face.
“Finished,” he said to me, and then, with a quick, sudden
movement, he withdrew from me.
And it felt like he was taking everything away. I felt
cold, emptiness rushing into me, and when he completely left me, I wanted him
back so badly it hurt. I needed him back. What he gave me… I needed that all
the time.
Without him… I didn’t feel safe or reassured. I felt awful.
I’d lost my soul mate, and even though he was still there, looking at me, he
wasn’t in me anymore, he wasn’t part of me, where he belonged.
And then worry set in- worry as everything around him
seemed to melt away, run to the ground like rain, and disappear. I frowned in
confusion and panic- and then he began to disappear as well. I tried to cry out
in protest to stop; but he faded away and I was left alone in the dark.
I woke up with a start, sitting up, grabbing the cushion.
“Christian?!” I cried, uselessly.
I looked around at my lounge- empty, but warm with light. I
sat there, shaking. Shaking with the whole effect of… of that dream.
I’d had a dream.
About last night; about when we’d made love.
And oh my God…
I froze up a minute as I realised what had happened, what
had been shown.
My dream… all my thoughts and feelings had been released
into my subconscious… and I’d dreamt last night again. But this time, I knew.
I knew what it had been like, how I’d felt, someone or something had just shown
me the truth.
Oh my God- it had been amazing!
Truly, truly amazing. Had I almost climaxed? I had, hadn’t
I? He made me feel so wonderful; and so loved. I sat there, shivering about how
good it had been. But… but when he’d stopped… he’d gone. Disappeared from the
dream.
Like he was disappearing from my life if I didn’t do
something.
Christian was right- it had been amazing.
I needed to call him now. I needed him in my life; I
couldn’t lose him… couldn’t lose that.
I glanced over at the clock, and looked at the time.
“Shiiiiit!” I cried in alarm and panic as it read 20 past
8. 20 past 8?!!
Oh no. Oh no. I was supposed to have phoned him 2 hours
ago! I’d fallen asleep! I’d fallen asleep!! Shit, shit, shit, fucking hell.
“I wanna be with you, I wanna be with you, I wanna be with
you,” I whispered uncontrollably to myself as I reached for the phone, hoping
it wouldn’t be too late.
I can’t believe I fell asleep!
Something stopped me. A light was flashing on the answer
machine.
Nervously, I slowly pressed the play button, and
heard a beep.
“Katherine? Katherine, are you there?”
It was him.
“Katherine, please pick up! Please! If you’re there… I
really need to talk to you. I can’t just leave things like this. I-I can’t lose
you. Please don’t stop talking to me. I’m sorry about last night… I-I just want
you to feel the same as I do, that’s all…” I heard a sigh. “Listen… you said
you borrowed the a1 albums. Well, if you have them, there’s a long on the a-list
called ‘The Things We Never Did’’. I wrote it. I want you to listen to
it… it explains how I feel. And please call me… even if it’s not what I want to
hear, don’t leave me like this! I love you, Katherine… I don’t care if you
don’t believe me… but I just do. Call me.”
And then the message ended.
My eyes flicked to the time the message had been sent.
7.32pm.
He thought I’d given up.
Without hesitation, I rushed over to the Hi-Fi, and
hurrying, I found the a-list, shoved the CD into the player, found song
No.5- The Things We Never Did- and pressed play.
And then I sat there hunched, and listened to how he felt.
Within moments, I was crying.
Tears were rolling down my face, as I heard his soft,
velvety voice sing back at me.
“Well take a chance and come home with me… you could
stay for eternity… if you try then at least you’ll see… then you’ll never…
regret… the things we never did.”
Just hearing him sing- it was as if he was there in the
room, singing for me now. About how much pain he felt, me not wanting to try.
How much he loved me.
I’ve got to phone him, I decided. He sounded so
upset on the machine… he thinks he’s lost me.
In no way has he lost me.
He’s never losing me.
I stopped the CD- and played the song again, giving me more
confidence. Yes, I had to phone him. Tell him I wanted to be with him,
but to go slow.
Yes, ok. Phone.
I left the CD player and rushed back to the phone, and
grabbed the receiver. But my fingers suddenly halted above the numbers, as an
idea formed.
I… I didn’t have to phone him. I could go see him. I knew
where he lived… it wasn’t too late…
I checked the time- 8.40pm.
I wanted to tell him to his face.
Excited, but nervous, I slammed the receiver down, and ran
to grab my jacket. I pulled it on, and grabbed the keys.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I was going to see
him. Be with him!
I left the flat fast- locking the door behind me, tumbling
almost, down the steps to my car; throwing myself in and launching myself into
the journey that would take me to his flat.
It was a race against time to salvage our relationship.
I hadn’t once yet stopped to breathe since I’d woken up. My
heart was thudding, and adrenalin rushed. I felt so excited.
He would be so happy!! Hopefully.
I drove through the dark streets, his road and flat edging
ever closer.
I had no idea what was going to happen once I got there; if
he’d even be there to open the door to me, what he’d say to me when he saw me…
as he clearly wasn’t expecting me to turn up like this. But that was part of
the excitement of it all- the element of surprise. Seeing me coming out to see
him like this, I hoped it would move him to listening to me…
Within 15 minutes I was there, and I bolted out of my car,
almost before I’d even stopped it, full of nervous energy.
Oh… oh… please be there, I begged. I needed to see him, I
needed to wrap my arms around him, and pull him close to my face…
I left the car and ran up the little path to his front
door, breathing hard, trying to catch my breath, as I looked up at the building
cast in night’s blanket, hardly believing I was here.
I knocked on the door.