~me again, haha! Yet anotha chap of LTD for u all to plough thru! Errmmm… not really a lot to say about this chapter lol, otha than it’s a bit… what’s word?… bantersome, haha. (that appears to be a word in Kate land) LTD’s nearly out the way tho, so that’s cool! Erm… nothing else to say lol, so, enjoy! Kate xxx~

Chapter 27

“I’m a hypocrite.”

“Mmmm.” He wasn’t really paying attention; he was too wrapped up in what he was doing.

But I just stared up at the white ceiling, frowning, wondering when my head was going to sort itself out.

“I always do the opposite of what I say I’m going to do,” I sighed, annoyed at myself.

He didn’t reply, which meant he wasn’t even listening. I wasn’t really concentrating on what he was doing either though; so it was kind of even. We were both thinking about ourselves.

I took another deep sigh, and thought about where I was, what had just happened. I’d given myself to him again- willingly like before, but at least this time I didn’t regret it. I just felt weird; confused inside because I’d been so adamant about this not happening. But now that it was over- but even all the way through it, I’d felt completely myself and so, so at ease. Not all cold and that I was doing the wrong thing- I felt warm, safe and I’d had such a good time.

Maybe then I was just confused about my feelings. When I went away it was all put into perspective, and like ‘go slow, don’t rush into things’ and then when I was with him that all turned on its head, and I did the complete opposite to what was… right?… I dunno, I just had to be with him just then; I would have exploded if we hadn’t had…

I looked down at him a minute and away from my thought-spot; his lips had stopped moving, and he was just resting his head on my chest, his body was keeping me warm.

I smiled at him.

… the most amazing sex ever.

I let my fingers play through his hair a little, it was really soft and we both found it relaxing- it gave me something to do whilst I thought, anyway.

“You know, I said I’d go slow with you and then this happens.”

Still he didn’t move, but I knew that he was listening this time.

“I must look like such a fickle hypocrite,” I said.

He laughed then, I could feel his warm breath on my skin and I shivered a little.

“How can you get a fickle hypocrite?!”

“I dunno… you just can,” I said stubbornly, letting my hand guide its way down his spine, his skin was so smooth and warm and motionless now from when it had dipping inside me.

“You’re not fickle,” he whispered to me.

“What do you care?!” I laughed. “You got sex, that’s enough for you!”

That made him look up.

His hair was gently wispy over his face, but he still looked unbelievably gorgeous. But his eyes looked hurt for a second.

“I don’t just want sex,” he said to me, and before I could apologise for tactlessly being too insensitive again, he leaned right over me and took my face in his hands whilst he kissed me lovingly. He did it with so much force and drive that I couldn’t really respond back, and then he pulled away and looked me in the eye.

“I love you.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” I said, worried I’d gone and hurt his feelings again, but he leant back in and gave me another kiss on the lips.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I say silly things sometimes,” I said ashamedly, and rested my head back against the pillow that I was leaning on, and shifted awkwardly. Me and my big mouth.

He smiled at me, a little bemused, and rested his head back onto my chest, cuddling up to me. “Maybe I like you like that,” he said.

“No you don’t! You’re sensitive,” I pointed out.

“You make me sound like a baby.”

“What I meant- I meant that you must be pleased I slept with you again,” I said, finally figuring it out for myself.

“Well yeah, it was nice and a lovely surprise,” he said back to me, giving me a quick kiss. “Bit it does matter how you feel as well. I don’t want you beating yourself up about it.”

“I’m just annoyed,” I muttered. “I’ve always been such a hypocrite.”

“Why?”

“I just have. I say don’t associate with those people, and then I go and make friends with them. I say I’d never be seen dead working there, and I find myself desperate to be employed. And then I say to myself, ‘no way Kate are you going to sleep with him again so soon’, and now look at me.”

“You look beautiful.”

“Hmph, whatever.”

He looked back up at me, smiling at the scowl I had on my face and then kissed it hard until it went away, making me laugh in the process.

“Look,” he said. “Did you enjoy it?”

“Enjoy what? Being an idiot?”

He laughed, and put one hand on my cheek, “no.” And then he let the other one slide over the inside of my thighs and then left it there a moment before saying, “did you enjoy us?”

“Awww- you know I did!” I laughed, and I pulled him to me and gave him a kiss and a cuddle, “It was lovely, thankyou.”

“Then stop being so mad at yourself,” he said to me, and he got up off me in a quick movement, sat up next to me on the bed, and then before I knew it, scooped me up so I was sat on his lap, and he was cradling me naked in his arms.

“Just relax and enjoy being here,” he ordered, and I just smiled, knowing he was right, and cuddled up to him in my new position, my arms and my head resting on his chest, and so he could prop his head on top of mine and hold me closer to him.

“You’re always so right and that’s annoying,” I said underneath him, and he laughed.

“Maybe that’s ‘cos I’m older than you!”

“Oh yeah, and so you have soooo much more knowledge and experience than I do.”

“Yup- an extra three years!” He laughed.

“You are not three years older than me!” I defended. “I’m 22 this year.”

“I’m 25 in January.”

“Ohhh God,” I cringed, knowing it was almost right!

“What’s so wrong with that?” He laughed at me.

“You’re right again.”

He gave me a cuddle. “Awww, you’re so beautiful,” he said fondly.

I felt my cheeks burn and a silly grin settle across my lips, I felt all funny when he said things like that to me!

“You know, when I found out how old you were, I got really worried,” I admitted to him.

He moved his head so he was looking at me, a little put off. “Why?”

“I’ve never had a boyfriend so older than me before!” I said to him. “So was a bit worried how it would work.”

“Well, when I first saw you on the bus I thought you were older than you were,” he said to me, relaxing against the hardboard of the bed, and I on him.

I laughed. “I know you did!”

“I still can’t believe you’re only 21,” he mused at me, running his fingers through my hair and looking at me with some degree of fascination.

“Have you had a girlfriend as young as me before?” I asked him.

He laughed a little. “What- you mean from the one girlfriend that I’ve had?!”

I smiled. “No… any girl you’ve remotely dated.” I was careful not to say slept with!

“Erm… probably,” he said to me. “Although, then of course, I was younger, so it kinda cancels it out a bit! But anyway, I don’t care, your age doesn’t bother me a bit.”

‘I don’t even have a job!” I half laughed.

“Doesn’t matter to me.”

“And after June… I still may not have a job!”

“Then I’ll just pay for everything.”

“Whadda ya mean you’ll ‘just pay for everything’?!!” I laughed at him, and gave him a playful shove.

He laughed back. “You know how rich I am!”

“Oh yeaaahhh, I forgot about that.”

He leant in and started nuzzling my hair a little bit. “I’d buy you a castle if I could afford it.”

“Awwww!” I looked up at him, and thought how unbelievably sweet he was again. “I don’t know what I’d do with a castle!”

“We could live in it,” he decided.

I raised my eyebrow at him. “What- as King and Queen?”

“Yeah- Paul can be our jester!” He said, and he laughed again.

“Hmmm, don’t think I’d really want to live in a castle. They’re too big and lonely,” I decided. “And cold.”

“Well, you’re very ungrateful.”

I smiled at him. “I think I’m better off living in a nice warm flat!”

“Are you still looking for somewhere to live?” He asked me out of interest.

“Erm… kinda. I keep meaning to, but erm, forget,” I smiled at him; looked how lovely he was. “I have other things on my mind at the moment!”

He put his knees up then, so I was sat in a snug little niche between them and his body- still holding onto him.

I felt so at ease.

“Are you sure you enjoyed yourself just now?” He asked me, still wondering. “I mean- 100%?”

He was sooooo cute checking I was okay all the time! I rested my head back on his chest, big smile on my face. “It was magic.”

“You sure, though? You don’t feel all bad about it? And I wasn’t useless?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Christian- you are not useless! You were never useless in the first place! Now I totally instigated what happened just now, and I loved it more than anything, so shut up!”

“I have to get used to you,” he said to me, as if he were thinking aloud. “I have to get used to what you like and what you don’t.”

“Yeah well, you did fine this time,” I said, my eyes now closed, and I wished he’d stop worrying about how to satisfy me so much.

“Yeah, but I want it to be perfect.”

“Well, we’ve only slept together twice, you can’t expect it to come that soon,” I pointed out, feeling slightly worn out now, and tired. I think all that exercise was beginning to take its effect on me!

“But you didn’t come at all.”

I sighed. This was obviously still going to be a problem for him. Well if he expected me to ‘come’ everytime we had sex then he was going to be very, very disappointed. Besides, it didn’t bother me at all so it shouldn’t bother him.

“I don’t mind,” I replied.

“I do!”

“Christian,” I said softly, “it’s not gonna happen very much so don’t make a big deal out of it.”

“Why won’t it happen very often? Am I doing something wrong?”

“Noooooo,” I sighed heavily, wishing he’s stop blaming himself for every minute thing that was wrong with our ‘sex-life’. “It’s not anything you do or don’t do. It’s just the way I am.”

“I just feel a bit guilty when I’m feeling all this, and then you don’t get anything…”

I felt myself blushing. “Chris- shut up please, you’re embarrassing me.”

“Sorry… I just want you to have a good time,” he said quietly.

“I do!” I said brightly, trying to liven the ever-depressing atmosphere. “I have a fantastic time, I promise.”

“Okay… tell me if you don’t, though,” he said, still a little uncertain. ‘I’m gonna try really hard to get a reaction out of you.”

I wanted to open my mouth and argue with him again to say that I did get a reaction when we were together- but I couldn’t be bothered. I wasn’t in the mood. He could try all he liked, but I knew 9 times out of 10 it wouldn’t get him anywhere, but I was bored of saying that to him now. He knew better as always! I knew the truth anyway, and it wasn’t disappointing me, so I was quite happy as we were.

We lay in silence then for a while, not saying anything, just resting. It was a weird kind of silence; not entirely comfortable because I could tell he was worrying about whether he was good enough for me or not, and I was a little annoyed at him for thinking that, ‘cos it was ludicrous! It was me that wasn’t good enough for him.

I hoped he wasn’t going to be one of those guys who thought sex dominated a relationship. And that if it wasn’t ‘perfect’ (ie. The girl came, he came, it lasted longer than half an hour, all is good) then the relationship was going downhill with it.

Because there was so much more to it than that! There was love for one thing- that could be expressed in other ways than just making it in the bedroom. And there was the friendship element- how much we have in common, what we talk about, etc, etc. and then how we look after each other, and care for each other’s well-being. I wanted a romance, not some kind of casual sex vacation!

I hoped he understood that. It was important to, if this was going to be a success.

Whilst I was thinking with my eyes closed shut, he began stroking my body with his fingers; all over me really lightly, tracing down my arms, and my collar-bone and chest and then all along my thighs, down my legs to my toes. It was almost ticklish, but at the same time it was really relaxing and I felt myself melting beneath it, and wondered how he could touch me like that.

“What does your name mean?” He suddenly asked me.

it was such a bizarre, random odd question that I narrowed my eyebrows in confusion and had to take a few seconds to gather my thoughts.

How weird!

“What- Katherine?”

“Yeah. What does it mean?” He asked again.

“That’s a really strange question!” I laughed, opening my eyes.

He laughed, too. “Sorry! But I love your name, it suits you so much.”

“Yeah well you’re still calling me Katherine and it’s weird!” I laughed.

“Why is it weird?!”

“’Cos no-one calls me Katherine!” I laughed. “No-one in the whole world! Just you.”

“Well that makes it special, then,” he said, cuddling me closer.

“I wish you had another name for me, then!” I grinned. “I hate when you call me that. It sounds so formal.”

“So everyone calls you Kate, then?” He said.

“Yup- Kate, that’s about it!” I laughed. ‘I don’t like it all that much, but it’s better than Katherine. Or Kath. Or Katie. In fact- it’s the best form of Katherine you can get.”

“I like Katherine better,” he said stubbornly.

“You would!” I laughed. “Please call me Kate. I’d feel better.”

“Can’t I call you something else?”

“Like what?” I asked, suspicious.

“I don’t know… I need a pet name for you,” he said.

“I’m going to call you wafflemonster!” I suddenly grinned.

“Why wafflemonster?!” He laughed, slightly perturbed.

“’Cos you’re waffle mad and… you’re a little monster!” I giggled.

“Okay- fiiiiiiine,” he said, still a little confused, which made me laugh even more. “Then you can be…” He thought. “… my little… writingbunny.”

I burst out laughing. That was thee most stupidest name I’d ever heard!

“Whaaaaat?” He laughed.

“That’s awful!”

“It’s inspired!”

“You have a very warped mind!”

“I do not!” He was getting offended now, and started tickling my feet which made me squirm even more.

“You can’t call me that!” I protested. “I’d die of shame!”

“What’s wrong with writingbunny? You write, don’t you?”

“I’m not a bunny!” I laughed.

“Oh, I dunno,” he said, looking at me with a tease.

I suddenly got very self-conscious and grabbed the sides of my head, “don’t mention my ears!” I cried.

He laughed in complete bewilderment. “What’s wrong with your ears?!”

“They’re ugly!” I pouted. “They’re big and evil and horrible- they stick out of my hair!”

“You have lovely ears,” he smiled at me, taking my hands down. “They’re not big.”

“Stop being so polite- they’re horrid!” I said, not knowing how they could not be big.

“They’re cute,” he said to me, and then leant down and started nibbling my right ear-lobe as if to prove it, and that made me go all giddy inside, and I had to grab his knee as to not get a violent reaction.

“But I don’t want to be a bunny,” I pointed out.

“Why’s that?” He mumbled, now he’d found a new place to kiss me, became completely engrossed with that.

“I’m scared of rabbits.”

He took his lips away from my ear and then looked at me strangely. “Huh?!”

I blushed a little. “Rabbits freak me out.”

“Awww hunny,” he brought my head closer to him and kissed my forehead. “Okay, I won’t call you that. Writing… sweetie?”

“That’ll do,” I said, cuddling up to him again.

“I can’t believe I’m being so restraint when you’re sitting naked on my lap!” He suddenly laughed. “I keep looking down at you and resisting the urge not to throw you down and get right on top of you!”

“I don’t want you throwing me anywhere, thankyou!” I laughed.

“I’ll have to content myself with stroking you instead,” he said, and returned to running his fingers along my skin. “Does that feel nice?”

“Mmmm,” I hummed- it definitely did and I didn’t want him to stop.

“So why are you scared of rabbits?” He asked me. “Everyone loves rabbits.”

“They have evil faces,” I said. “With big teeth, and ughhh.” I shuddered. “They scare me half to death.”

“That’s a really odd phobia,” he laughed. “What else are you scared of?”

“Erm… I don’t really like birds. They freak me out too, especially if they flutter near me, I just scream! And then there’s clowns, that are just horrible… and I don’t like the dark.”

“Don’t you?”

“No, I hate it.”

“Any reason?”

“Not really anything I wanna talk about just now,” I said, uncomfortable.

“It’s okay to be scared of the dark,” he assured me. “I don’t really mind it- I think it’s all black and refreshing. But I understand why it would frighten some people.”

“You’re lucky I’ve fallen asleep before you these last few nights,” I pointed out to him. ‘I’m terrible to sleep with. Both the light and the radio have to be on.”

“You’re amazing to sleep with,” he whispered lovingly to me. “And if you have to have the light and the radio on to relax you, then that’s fine by me.”

“Hmmmm,” I said, holding on to him tightly, so glad that he was there. You always have to feel safe when you’re talking about things that disturb you. I needed a cuddle.

“I guess I’m just odd.”

“You’re you,” he said to me, “I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else.”

“So what are you afraid of?” I asked him curiously, but then I completely forgot about what I said as he suddenly slid one of his hands in-between my legs and onto my inner thigh and began stroking that, and I felt myself go tense all over. He then rested his other hand on my chest and tilted his head and grinned at me. “You’re heart’s beating really fast!”

I tried to control my ragged breathing enough so I could speak, and I took his hand away from my legs. “Don’t,” I gently warned him, if anything a little frightened. “Don’t do that.”

He frowned at me, and put his hands under my body again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah- I think, erm, I think I need to be on my own a little bit,” I said, looking away from him. “Can I have a shower?”

“Have I done something wrong?!” He asked quickly, suddenly really worried. “I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry!”

“No- it’s not your fault,” I assured him. “I just need some time alone.” Really badly, all of a sudden.

He scooped me up in both his arms and held me onto him strongly, giving me the biggest cuddle he could muster. He rocked me gently as well, as if he was trying to soothe me; I could feel him shaking a little bit.

“I’m really, really sorry,” he apologised over and over again to me. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I’m really sorry.”

“Chris, it’s fine-” I said again, but he wouldn’t listen to me, he seemed really distressed.

“Don’t leave,” he pleaded. “Please don’t go, I want you to stay here. I won’t touch you again- I swear.”

Now I was beginning to get worried!

Where was all this coming from?!

“I’ll just let you sit by the side of me if you like, and then we’ll just talk, I promise. Nothing more.”

“Christian.” I took his head and faced him, looking him right in the eye. He stopped his urgent pleading and looked back, still holding me tightly around the waist. “What’s the matter?” I asked him.

“I freaked you out.”

I smiled a little. “You did not!”

He gave me a look. “I touched you, you took my hand away and said not to, and now you want to get away from me.”

“I want a shower Christian,” I stated.

“Yeah, but why?!”

“’Cos I feel icky!” I laughed.

“You said you wanted some time on your own.”

He looked really upset, actually. I wondered what had happened all of a sudden, why he was feeling like this. Was there something here that he wasn’t telling me about that I needed to know?

“Okay- what’s really the matter?” I asked him gently, trying to take the sensitive approach. I wasn’t annoyed with him; I just wanted to know what was wrong, I was confused.

“I tried really hard,” he said quietly. “After we had sex, I tried really hard to make sure you were okay.”

“I know you did,” I said, prompting him to carry on.

“I just wanted you to stay here with me,” he sighed. “I didn’t want you to go anywhere, I tried so hard not to upset you in any way, and I was doing really well until I touched you there.”

“Christian, I don’t mind being touched there,” I assured him calmly. “It’s nice, in fact.”

“But you went all weird, you pushed me away,” he said dejectedly. “And then it was all happening again.”

“What was?!”

“Yesterday morning- when you went weird on me, regretted what we did. And then I nearly lost you.” He looked up at me. “I don’t want you running away again.”

So that’s what was bothering him? I thought. That I was gonna react again like I had done the last time we’d slept together?

Oh no!

“Sweetheart, that was completely different,” I said, stroking his cheek gently with my finger. “The first time was just awkward- I kind of know what I’m doing now. And I don’t regret what we did just now- not at all! I’m not planning to escape, I promise you.”

“Do you feel comfortable being here with me?” He asked.

“What- right now?”

“Yeah.”

“I feel slightly self-conscious,” I admitted shyly, looking down. “I keep suddenly becoming aware we’re both naked!”

“I don’t want you being uncomfortable,” he said to me. “You were uncomfortable when I touched you just then, weren’t you?”

I blushed. “I dunno- I didn’t expect you to do that, you caught me off guard.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nooo- please don’t be sorry. I didn’t know you were so worried about this- I’m glad you told me,” I said firmly. “’Cos now I can assure you that right now you have nothing to be worried about.”

“I keep thinking I’m doing something wrong!” He said, sounding frustrated.

“You’re not!” I laughed lightly. “You need to understand me.”

“What will it take?” He asked, looking at me urgently.

I laughed. He wanted a solution right away! It just didn’t work like that.

I stroked his hair gently. “Time.”

“Time?!”

“Over time you’ll get to understand me- who I am, what I do, what I like, etc. you think you should know everything already- you don’t. I don’t expect you to. I feel so lucky just to be here with you, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. And actually, you know before you, I didn’t really like sex all that much. I’ve always found it tiresome and I’ve actually only ever had two orgasms in my life.”

He raised an eyebrow at me.

“… so don’t expect anything to be perfect straight away, ‘cos it won’t be. But the more time we spend together, the more we’ll learn. And then one day- it may be.”

I smiled at him, and then got a sudden urge to kiss those soft lips of his.

“Stop worrying.”

“I’d never hurt you,” he said back to me earnestly.

“I know,” I smiled.

He pulled me back and kissed me again, and it hit me then just how emotionally dependent he was. How much he needed reassuring that I was okay in this relationship because he was constantly worried about the strength of it- and it seemed- my commitment.

I had to prove to him that I was here to stay.

I pulled away from his mouth. “I won’t have a shower right now, I’ll take one later if you like,” I said. “What’s say I go make us another coffee? I bet our other one’s are cold now. We could lay on here, drink coffee and talk- does that sound good?”

“I won’t touch you,” he said, still looking all innocent.

I grinned, and took his hand from around my waist and then ran it up my body so he could feel me. “Touch me all you like.”

He just stared back at me- I think I’d really gone and confused him! I laughed at how I’d just proved hypocritical again- what a weird girl I was!

I gave him a quick kiss again, and then crawled off him, looking for my clothes to put on whilst I went into the kitchen.

“I’ll go make coffee if you like,” he offered to me.

“Nah, you’re okay,” I said, finding the shirt. “You should rest, you’ve worked far too hard this morning already!” I giggled.

He leant forward and slipped his hands around my waist and cuddled up to me.

“I love you.”

“I know you do, hunny,” I said, turning the sleeves right way out.

“Are you getting dressed?” He asked me softly, holding me tight.

“Ahuh,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because I am not wandering around your flat naked!” I laughed.

“Ohhh why not?” He gave me a squeeze.

“Because I don’t want to!” I laughed. “And don’t think your neighbours would be too pleased either.”

“I think they’d be really jealous I have a gorgeous naked girl in my flat,” he whispered to me.

I just grinned; I knew he’d like me walking around naked, but it wasn’t going to happen.

“Christian: no.”

“Can I come with you to make coffee?”

“Nooo… you stay here and keep my place warm!” I laughed.

“I can’t leave you alone for more than a second,” he said, smiling a little at himself from before.

“Well you’re going to have to,” I said to him, freeing myself from his hold slightly so I could pull the shirt on and I buttoned it up loosely. I was feeling faintly claustrophobic now. Looking back up at him, I took his face and gave him a few kisses on the lips. But he needed me there. “Be right back, I promise.”

“You know you wanted a shower?” He suddenly said to me.

“Yeah?”

“Well- will you have a bath with me instead?” He asked.

“Awwwwww.” I gave him another kiss. “That sounds really lovely. You want to go run it now and I’ll bring the coffee in?”

“It’s a pity it’s too early for wine,” he said to me.

I laughed. “What time is it?”

“About 11, I think.”

“Ahhhhh well, you go off and run the bath and coffee’ll have to do,” I decided.

“You never told me what your name meant,” he suddenly said, tilting his head.

I giggled. “Pure!”

“It means pure?”

“Yeah- like that’s true anymore!” I laughed.

“As long as you don’t regret it I don’t care,” he said, looking into my eyes. “And as long as you’re happy that’s all that matters.”

“I’m happy,” I assured him, giving him a smile. “I haven’t been this happy in a long time. Now- go run that bath! Not too hot!” I got off the bed.

“Okay then, Kate.”

I stopped and frowned, slowly turning back to look at him. “You just called me Kate!” I exclaimed.

“I know,” he grinned.