Chloe sat on the bench where Paul had left her,
blinking back the tears. She wasn’t going to cry, she wasn’t going to cry, she
wasn’t go- Oh God, was Mark really only using her for sex? A tear escaped from
the eyes that were holding them prisoner and trickled down her cheek. She was
going to cry.
But it couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t. Mark
loved her, he’d said so himself on more than one occasion, and she knew him, he
would never in a million years say something with such huge implications just
to get her into bed. When he’d said he loved her, he’d said it with the whole
of his being, not just his voice; his hands had said it, his eyes had said it,
his legs, his arms, his feet had all said it, even his eyebrows had agreed when
he said, “I love you”. Love was an important thing to Mark, it meant
something to him, and with everything he did Chloe could feel he was in love
with her. He obviously felt it too, so why would he bother putting on such a
convincing act for one quick shag? God, she wasn’t that good! Chloe
didn’t think she was worth all that effort, and was pretty sure that however
much he loved her, Mark would think the same thing.
After all, love wasn’t just all about sex. It
wasn’t even a little bit about sex in fact. Sex had nothing to do with love
when you broke it down. You didn’t have to be in love to do it - that was why
so many people had one-night stands - and love certainly didn’t come from doing
it. It was just a selfish pleasure-seeking exercise, although admittedly it
hadn’t started out like that. Initially the sole purpose of sex was to
reproduce. It wasn’t until people realised that they actually enjoyed it and
wanted more sex than they did children that contraception and all those sappy
terms like ‘making love’ were introduced. And what was that about,
anyway? You weren’t making anything, not if you were using contraception
anyway, and it just made Chloe cringe when people said things like that. Ben
had said it once, but after seeing the look on Chloe’s face when he did, he
hadn’t said it since. Thank God.
Chloe knew she was totally unromantic about the
whole issue, but she didn’t think of it as a very romantic thing. All that
fumbling and pushing – it was more like line dancing than a candle-lit dinner!
And yeah, it was fun, and it felt good for like, half an hour or so, but it
didn’t really mean anything. She enjoyed it fine, and there was no way
she was going to be even attempting to live without it any time soon, but she
wasn’t going to go all mushy over it. Humans and dolphins were the only mammals
that had sex for pleasure, and that was the reason why humans and dolphins were
the only mammals that were totally screwed up.
Chloe thought back briefly to the very first
time she’d had sex. Yes, brief was definitely the word! Up until then she’d
been, as most teenage girls were, under the impression that losing her
virginity was going to be this wonderful moment that she was going to remember
forever, but when it had actually come down to it, it hadn’t been like that at
all. She’d tried to make it romantic - she’d done the whole candles and slushy
music thing - but the guy she’d slept with certainly hadn’t been interested in
that side of things. There’d only been on thing on his mind that night. See?
Selfish selfish selfish.
And that little experience had set her up for
life. She’d had all her romantic expectations smashed into little pieces by one
guy who actually had told her he loved her to get her into bed, and then
treated her like she was expendable… Oh God, it was happening again, wasn’t it?
All over again, exactly the same as before, only with a different person and
three years on. How had she let this happen? How could she have been so stupid?
She thought she’d learned from her mistake, but obviously not if she’d just
walked right into the same trap again. She’d thought she could spot guys who were
just going to use her from twenty paces. She didn’t go near people like
that. What was she doing with Mark?!
But, Mark was nothing like Jesse. Absolutely
nothing like him. Chloe wasn’t still in contact with him (who’d want to be?),
but from his attitude at 16 she was pretty sure she knew what kind of person
he’d have grown into (grown in the very loosest sense of the word), and
Mark was a million miles away from that. Mark was thoughtful, sensitive, caring,
affectionate, and all those words that meant nice in any way. And Mark was older.
He was older than Ben even; surely he wouldn’t be so immature? The name Jesse
literally meant ‘God’s gift’, a label the guy in question clearly believed
strongly in. So how could two completely different guys treat her in exactly
the same way? Oh, this wasn’t happening!
Chloe put her head in her hands. What was she
going to do now? At least she hadn’t slept with Mark. If she had have
done it would have probably left her feeling even more messed up than she did
now. She didn’t know if Paul was telling the truth in what he’d said, but he
did know Mark far better than she could say she did, and she couldn’t see any
motive for Paul to make up something so horrible. She knew she wasn’t his
favourite person at the moment, but Paul wasn’t a nasty person; he wasn’t the
type to go around telling malicious lies. Why would he bother, anyway? He
didn’t get a kick out of making people miserable, so what would he gain? It
seemed highly unlikely that he’d go to so much trouble to make up such an
elaborate lie, so that only left Chloe to think one thing – he was telling
the truth, and Mark really was using her.
But still she couldn’t believe it. Would Mark
really do that to her? She just didn’t know what to think, and the more
she tried to find the answer, the more she seemed to go round in circles, and
the more confused she got. Maybe the easiest thing to do would be to end
it with Mark. Looking back, although they’d had fun, mostly he’d just brought
her insecurity, paranoia, worry, stress, guilt, confusion… things she wasn’t
used to experiencing after being in a relationship with Ben for so long. And
she loved Ben, really truly deeply loved him, and the possibility of spending
the rest of her life with him didn’t exactly seem like a compromise. True, she
didn’t want to marry him that second, but she knew she could do a lot worse
than the floppy-haired pop star that half the world’s population adored.
But then she thought about never being with
Mark again, and it felt like someone was twisting her heart. It hurt, the
thought of being without him. Not as much as the thought of being without Ben,
but it was still a substantial amount of pain, and brought tears back to her
eyes. She thought about when Paul had asked her if she was in love with Mark.
She was fairly certain she wasn’t in love with him, but the question of
whether she was falling in love with him wasn’t such an easy thing to
answer. The only experience she’d had of real love was from being with Ben –
she didn’t know if it felt the same with every person. She knew she had
feelings for Mark, feelings that increased in strength every time she saw him,
so it was quite possible that she could be falling in love with him. Especially
seeing as tears were now flowing freely down her face at the thought of ending
what they had together.
But what did they have if it was all
built on lies and deceit? No, they didn’t have anything, so there was nothing
to end. As far as Chloe was concerned it was already over. It had to be that
way – she couldn’t let her self be used again. No man walked all over her and
got away with it. She knew what she had to do.
Ben’s head was hurting, and it was only just
gone 11. It was probably from all the thinking he’d been doing since Chloe and
Paul had left breakfast to go for a walk. Something had been playing on his
mind ever since Chloe woke him up in the early hours of the morning, but so far
exactly what it was that was troubling him had eluded him completely, except
for an uneasy feeling that something wasn’t quite right. Ben didn’t pride
himself on being particularly intuitive, but suddenly certain things Chloe had
said and done over the last few days had started to stand out in his mind, and
for some reason they were stuck in his head. He didn’t know what they meant or
signified, but the more he thought about it the more he started to suspect that
all was not as it should be. Precisely what was up so far hadn’t figured in the
equation, but that morning Ben had been dwelling on it more than he had done
before, and slowly things were beginning to link up and make sense. But only
just. There was still an awful lot that didn’t seem to have any relevance to
anything, and yet still the thoughts would not leave him alone.
So far Ben had managed to pinpoint the
unsettling thoughts back to last Thursday, almost a week ago, at the recording
of Top Of The Pops. Everything about that day had been weird, the most
prominent of which was appearing on the show before they’d even charted, the
definition of success if ever there was one, but that wasn’t what had been
niggling at him. There in the background, playing second fiddle to the
surreality of a pre-chart performance, was the atmosphere within Ben’s group
that day. Mark was suddenly cheery after weeks of being down in the dumps; he’d
even been whistling, which he never did – even he wasn’t that
irritating! There seemed to be absolutely no reason for this change in mood as
far as Ben could see; Mark had had no good news recently, he didn’t have a new
girlfriend… Ben just couldn’t come up with an explanation for it. Not that
anyone needed an explanation to be happy, but it was sorta expected of someone
who’d been as down as Mark had over the past few weeks. Ben had to conclude that
it was just the band’s recent increase in success and popularity that was
cheering Mark up, but it just didn’t seem all that plausible, especially
considering his disappointingly non-plussed reaction to the news that ‘Caught
In The Middle’ had moved up to the B-list on Radio One, something a1 had never
achieved before.
And it wasn’t just Mark who was being “moody”.
Paul had most definitely been sulking that day, but Ben guessed that was
nothing new. But again with the inexplicable mood-swings. There was no reason
for Paul to be sulking; again, nothing had happened to him, so why had him and
Mark seemingly swapped moods? And then there was Chloe, who had been quiet and
clingy at the start of the day, but had graduated to being quiet and elusive as
it got to lunchtime. She’d kept disappearing and turning up in really odd
places. Like when Paul told him she’d gone looking for him, even though she
knew he’d only gone to the loo, and he’d found her talking to Mark in a
corridor nowhere near the toilets…
walking
up the corridor towards Chloe and Mark. “You coming
back?”
Chloe
nodded, without any kind of expression on her face.
“What
are you doing all the way up here?” Ben asked, putting
an
arm around Chloe, a gesture she didn’t return.
“I
was, er, looking for you, of course!”
“I’d
only gone to the loo.”
“Had
you?” Chloe asked, looking over her shoulder.
“Yeah!
I told you only five minutes ago.”
“Oh.
I, erm, I forgot.”
Ben
smiled. “Got a lot on your mind, have you?”
“What?
No! I’m fine!”
…which was striking Ben now as an odd thing to
have said, because he hadn’t asked her if she was alright. Maybe he should have
done. It was unusual for Chloe to forget such a simple thing like where he’d
gone, especially considering how much she’d been clinging onto him that
morning.
The weird occurrences hadn’t stopped there,
either. When they’d gone to Planet Hollywood on Saturday night with Paul, Mark
and Chris, Ben and Chloe had had this really strange semi-argument about the
stupidest insignificant little thing…
“You
don’t want me to get a job?” Chloe asked. “Why not?”
“Because
you won’t have time off when I have time off, and
we’ll
never get to see each other. I don’t get to see you often
enough
as it is.”
“But
I’ll be living with you! You’ll get to see me most evenings
regardless
of what we do in the day. And I can’t just not have
a
job. I’d have nothing to do and no money.”
“But
I’ve got loads of money; I can pay for everything you
need!”
“No,
you can’t. I don’t want you to.”
“But
why? I don’t mind!”
“Can
we talk about this later?”
“Clo,
I didn’t mean…”
“It’s
okay, let’s just not talk about it now, yeah?”
…but they didn’t talk about it later, and it
clearly wasn’t okay at all, because Chloe was on edge that whole night. It was
the way she kept fiddling with her hair; tucking it behind her ears when it was
already well and truly tucked. Was it what he’d said? Was it all because of a
stupid hypothetical job? They hadn’t talked about it since, actually, so maybe
it wasn’t all that big of an issue after all, but it had been worrying Ben
because him and Chloe never argued, not even when they were both at
their maximum stress levels, because when that happened, being with each other
was like a safe-haven, a sanctuary from everything else that was going on in
their lives. When they were together there was nothing else, it was just them.
Or at least, it used to be.
When Ben had tried to find out if there was
something troubling Chloe, she’d just snapped at him, but as soon as the anger
had appeared, it had gone. Talk about conflicting mood swings…
“Ben,
I’m fine! What’s with all the questions?”
“Nothing,
I’m just concerned.”
Chloe
sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired, that’s all. I
didn’t
mean to snap at you.”
“That’s
okay… You just don’t seen yourself tonight.”
“A
lot’s been going on over the last few days, I’m just
exhausted!”
“You
know if there was something…”
“I
know. Tell each other everything, right?”
…yeah, right. That last sentence of Chloe’s was
the one that had been doing the most bouncing around Ben’s head. With every
echo of those supposedly truthful words, the sentence sounded less and less
sincere, and more and more… sinister was by no means the right word, but it was
that kind of feeling that sentence was creating within Ben. Something about the
way that Chloe’d said it didn’t seem right. For some reason it didn’t ring as
true as it once had done.
Sunday had brought yet more things for Ben to
mull over. That morning he’d had to leave before Chloe was awake to do a couple
of interviews that the other guys weren’t involved in, and consequently no-one
had reminded him about. Something else nobody had bothered to tell him about
was the fact that one of the interviews had been cancelled, and so he’d got
back earlier than he’d expected. Chloe hadn’t been there when he’d arrived
home, but there was nothing weird about that. What was weird was the way
she’d reacted to seeing him standing in his own house…
“Ben!
Y-you’re back!” Chloe exclaimed, jumping as she
walked into the
sitting room. “I didn’t think, erm, I
thought, um, you’re
quite early, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, interviews are
generally speaking a waste of time.
I won’t bother in
future!”
“Oh. Good. Erm…”
“So where’ve you
been? Anywhere nice?”
“Nowhere!”
“Nowhere?”
“No, I mean, not
nowhere, I was erm, shopping…”
“Cool. Get anything
nice?”
“No, erm, there was
nothing I liked.”
“Where’d you go?”
“Oh, erm, what’s it
called? Erm, Mango. On, erm, you know,
Regent Street.”
“Mango isn’t on
Regent Street.”
“It isn’t?”
“No.”
“Oh, er, well, you
know what I mean!”
…and that was weird for the simple reason that
Chloe never went shopping and came home empty-handed. There was always
something she liked! There were about a million shops in London, after all. But
it was a less audible thing that was standing out in Ben’s mind about that
particular moment in time, because when he’d hugged Chloe she hadn’t smelled
like she normally did. Usually she smelled like The Body Shop, that lovely
White Musk stuff, but on this occasion she smelled sort of vaguely a bit like
the aftershave Mark used. Only a little bit, and it might not have actually
been Mark’s brand of aftershave in particular, but it was definitely familiar,
definitely a male scent, and definitely unusual on Chloe.
Later that day Chloe had seemed very
distracted, like mentally she wasn’t where everyone else was. The most worrying
thing was the way that she’d suddenly run out of the studio in the middle of
recording, with no real reason as to why she’d felt the need to leave…
“I’m
just gonna go and get some air.” Chloe said, pulling
out
of Ben’s grasp and walking quickly towards the door.
“Clo,
are you alright?”
“Fine.
I just need some air.” Chloe said, without looking back.
…Ben now regretted not going after her and
finding out what was wrong, but at the time he hadn’t really thought anything
of it. Mark had gone for drinks shortly after Chloe had left, and Ben had asked
him to check on her, so he’d thought that would be enough. He knew Chloe didn’t
like him fussing around her too much, and so if he started tailing her whenever
she left a room he knew she’d get annoyed. They’d had a thing at the start of
their relationship about giving each other space that had nearly caused them to
split up. Chloe had started acting uneasily whenever Ben was affectionate
towards her, and she’d told him that he was smothering her. Ben had been a bit
surprised by this, as he definitely hadn’t thought he’d been smothering her in
the slightest, but he’d reluctantly agreed to them having a bit of a break from
each other. When they started seeing each other again, they’d had a really good
talk and Chloe had confessed that Ben being so affectionate towards her had
started to freak her out, and she had a bit of a problem with really slushy
romantic stuff. She was scared, basically; scared to let someone like her that
much, and she didn’t like people getting too close. Ben had told her that she
didn’t need to be scared about anything, and that she could trust him. That was
when he’d told her he loved her, actually. He’d known it was love from the
second “they’d” decided to cool things off a bit. The whole time it had felt
like someone was slowly killing him, so when he said those three words to
Chloe, he’d meant them wholeheartedly. She burst into tears and said it back,
and it was a really lovely moment. Since then, Chloe had started to settle into
the relationship more, and things had got steadily better. Until now, anyway.
But that whole fiasco was the reason why Ben tried to give Chloe as much space
as possible without coming across as apathetic.
Talking of Mark, which Ben vaguely remembered
doing before he got lost in his reminiscence of times past, him and Chloe were
often AWOL at the same time. Ben wondered whether, if no-one knew where Chloe
was, and he then asked after Mark, he’d get the same reply. Maybe they’d been
conducting little one-on-one bonding sessions in secret? Not in a bad way – Ben
just meant that maybe Chloe was helping Mark out with stuff, and that was why
he’d been so much happier lately. Ben had always thought Chloe would make a
good agony aunt, and maybe there was an unofficial counselling thing going on
between them? It is good to talk, after all. And so maybe Mark knew more
about what was wrong with Chloe than Ben did. He’d have to remember to ask him
about it, if he could ever find him! He never seemed to be around these days,
always skulking about on his own, but Ben hadn’t been so worried about him
since he’d appeared to cheer up considerably. And now that Ben suspected Chloe
had the matter, whatever it was, under control, Ben thought maybe it was best
to leave them to it. Space all round, then.
At least things between Chloe and Mark had
improved. Neither of them had said anything to him, but Ben was fairly certain
that up until about a week ago, they’d both hated each other. It had seemed as
though they were never in the same place at the same time (now it was almost as
if they couldn’t stay away from each other!), and not one word was said between
them. They’d always seemed very distanced from each other, something Ben had
worried about, because it was important to him that all his friends got on with
each other. But things were definitely better between Chloe and Mark now. Maybe
one day they’d just discovered they actually got on really well, and they did
like each other after all? Ben wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case; he’d
always thought Chloe and Mark would be the ones who got on the best.
Anyway, moving on from that a bit, Ben had had
the strangest dream a couple of nights ago. Or at least, he’d presumed it was a
dream, because it was a little far-fetched to have been real, however authentic
it had seemed at the time. It was a bit of a naff dream, though, bit
uneventful. Probably why it seemed real. It was set in Ben’s house, in Ben’s
bedroom, exactly where he was while he was having the dream, in fact. All that
had happened was, he’d half woken up, been a bit groggy as you are when you
wake up in the middle of the night, looked at the clock (it’d said 2:01),
looked at Chloe, seen she wasn’t there, and gone back to sleep. When he’d woken
up in the morning it’d seemed so random, and stupid as well. Where would Chloe
be at 2 in the morning other than in bed with him?!
But back to today’s main train of thought –
Chloe being weird. Ben was a bit disappointed at how Chloe had reacted to him
giving her the eternity ring…
“You
can open your eyes.”
“Ben,
um…”
“Do
you like it?”
“I,
er…”
“It’s an eternity
ring.” Ben said. “I wanted to show you how
serious I am about
you. I know it’s not much, but it’s meant
to symbolise commitment
and love and stuff. Or at least,
that’s what the guy
in the shop said! I’ve never met
someone who’s so
special to me, and I know it might seem
like I don’t have
much time for you and I’m always
cancelling our plans,
but if I could I’d spend every second
of every day with
you. I love you so much, Clo.”
“Ben,
thank you. It’s perfect!”
…if he was honest, he’d sort of expected
fireworks and violin playing goats. Well maybe it was that that was making
Chloe go weird, and all the stuff before that was just inconsequential,
probably Ben overreacting coz he was trying to make sense of everything. In
fact, half of that he’d probably made up! So maybe it was him that was
freaking Chloe out with everything going so fast. He’d only just asked her to
move in with him, and already he was giving her rings; all this was probably
his fault!
However, it might be his imagination, but Chloe
seemed… not disinterested in him, but it certainly seemed as if someone
had turned the ardour between them down from ten to five. Was it too ridiculous
to think that Chloe was more interested in someone else? Someone else like…
Paul? Him and Chloe had seemed really off with each other recently; maybe it
was a clever cover-up and they were really sneaking around behind everyone’s
backs conducting a passionate affair! Ben almost laughed. Now he was just being
silly. Maybe him and Chloe were going through a rough patch, but it wasn’t that
bad! And Paul?! No, Ben didn’t think so.
Maybe he was focusing on the wrong person?
Thinking about last Monday in more detail, Ben realised that Mark hadn’t been
quite so upbeat as he’d been the couple of days before. He’d been fine at the
start of the interview they were doing for Smash Hits radio, but half way
through something went wrong with some of the equipment and they had to break
while it was sorted out. Mark had gone to the loo, which had seemed to take him
ages, and when he came back his mood seemed to have plunged right down
again. He’d flounced onto his seat and then sat and sulked for the rest of the
interview, not answering any of the questions or taking part in any way. Mark
was, generally speaking, a fairly consistent person mood-wise, and so these
recent fluctuations were nothing short of worrying.
The more Ben thought about Mark, the more
concerned he became for his state of mind. Maybe the Chloe counselling theory
wasn’t right at all. Maybe the truth was… that Mark was on drugs! They did that
to you, didn’t they? Took you up and brought you right down? Maybe that was
what he was doing when he disappeared – taking drugs! Like outside the hotel
yesterday, when one minute he’d been signing autographs with Ben and Chris, and
the next minute he’d gone. He gave no explanation, and Ben hadn’t asked, but
where was he going?! Actually, that time he’d turned up with Chloe in
her and Ben’s room…
“So
that’s where you’ve been hiding, Mark.” Ben said,
going
into the room.
“Er,
yeah I er, just thought, um, I’d… come and keep
Chloe
company.”
“How
very generous of you.” Ben said, putting his arms
around
Chloe. “You okay?” he asked, giving her a kiss.
Chloe
nodded.
“Good.
Where’s Paul?”
“In
the bar.”
“Now
there’s plan if ever there was one! Shall we go and
join
him?”
…oh God, what if Mark had got Chloe into drugs,
too?! What if that was why they were both always disappearing and turning up
together? What if Mark was like, Chloe’s dealer?! No, hang on, Chloe
didn’t do drugs. Ben would know; he’d be able to tell, he was sure he would.
Chloe was acting weird, but not that weird! And she wasn’t being like
Mark, anyway. She wasn’t going hot and cold, she was just cold…
That Tuesday night when a1 had been performing
at the MEN arena, Chloe had started the leaving really suddenly thing again.
They’d been half way through the last song of their set when Chloe had just got
up and left. Ben hasn’t asked her about things like that, but the fact that
Chloe hadn’t so much as mentioned it was more worrying than her flitting about.
Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe the reason she hadn’t provided an excuse for her
irregular behaviour was because she didn’t think she needed to. Coz it was
quite possible she didn’t realise she was causing Ben so much concern, wasn’t
it? Was he blowing all this out of proportion?
But then there was the whole horrible fan
incident after the show, and Chloe hadn’t even let him touch her…
“Ben,
it’s okay, go back to the fans.”
“No,
it’s not alright!”
“It
is. I’m fine, don’t make things worse. I’ll go and sit
in
the car with Chris.” Chloe said. “Really, it’s okay.
Don’t
let it get to you; we knew this would happen.”
“But
not now! Not after this long.”
“However
long we’re together, people are still gonna
hate
me.”
“But
I don’t want them to! I want them to love you,
like I do.”
“Ben, no public
displays of affection, remember?”
Chloe said, taking a
slight step back from him. “I’ll
see you in the car.”
…she hadn’t been okay at all, God, who would be
after something like that? It made Ben so angry; how dare someone say that to
someone they didn’t even know?! Especially not to Chloe – what had she ever
done to anyone? It was totally unfair, and totally unprecedented! Beyond Ben’s
comprehension, actually. He loved Chloe so much, he knew he was biased, but in
his eyes she had no flaws, and had done nothing to deserve that. To him, she
was perfect in every way, clichéd as it may sound, and that was why it pained
him so much the way she was acting towards him. He didn’t know what he’d done that
had changed her attitude so much; if she was trying to tell him something he
wasn’t getting the message.
And then, something new last night! Him and
Chloe had gone to get an “early night”…
So
what do you think, guys?” Paul asked. “Another round
at the bar?”
“I think we’re gonna have an early
night actually.” Ben said.
“Early night, eh?”
“Uh-huh. Sleepy.”
Chloe said, pretending to yawn.
“I think I’ll be off too.” Mark
said. “I’m exhausted after the
show.”
“Um, yeah, actually, I might too.”
Paul said.
“But what about another round?”
Chris asked.
“Well before, when I said that… I
didn’t realise how tired I
was until Mark mentioned it.” Paul
said.
“Oh well fine, leave me drinking on
my own then.”
“I’m sure Ben and Chloe wouldn’t
mind if you joined in with
them.”
“I’m sure Ben and Chloe would very
much mind if Chris
joined in with them, as you so
tactfully put it.” Ben said to
Paul.
…and in the space of Chloe going back down to
the bar to get her phone, and coming back into the room, she’d somehow decided
that she didn’t want to sleep with him any more! What the hell was that about?!
She didn’t want to sleep with him? Talk about killing the passion! She wasn’t a
nymphomaniac, or anything (which Ben thought was a shame really – how fun must
it be to go out with one of them?!), but she was very rarely “not in the mood”!
But then again, maybe she wasn’t feeling up to it, considering she’d been
throwing up in the middle of the night. So maybe that was just incidental, and
her not wanting to sleep with him wasn’t because of something he’d done.
The most worrying thing in this whole situation
was what had happened that morning. When Ben had woken up, Chloe had been
pretending to be asleep, he could tell, and that really really hurt him,
because people only do that when they’re trying to avoid conversation. These
days when Ben tried to talk to Chloe she got all cagey and defensive, as if she
had something to hide over a question as simple as, “How are you?” It was like
she’d put up an invisible wall around herself, or maybe it was just between
them. It made Ben upset though, and he didn’t understand it. Had the way Chloe
felt about him really changed that suddenly? And if it had, why? Ben couldn’t
think of a single thing that had happened between the two of them, or
otherwise, that might have caused it. As far as Ben was concerned, everything
was the same as it’d ever been. Was it something he’d done? Was it something she’d
done? Ben just didn’t know what to think about all this.
But then sometimes Chloe would be almost back
to normal, and Ben wondered if it was all his imagination. Like at breakfast
this morning…
“You’re
not pregnant then?” Ben asked.
Chloe laughed. “No, I am not
pregnant!”
“You sure?”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m
definitely one hundred
percent without child.”
“Okay, just checking.” Ben said,
pulling Chloe closer and
kissing her. “I don’t mind that
you’re not.”
“Well, it’s not irreversible, you
know.” Chloe said with a
grin.
“Right, I think me and Chloe are
gonna skip breakfast
and go and… pack!” Ben said,
grinning back at her.
…everything was fine again, so maybe it was
all in his mind and Chloe didn’t realise the impression she was giving him.
Maybe it was just that she wasn’t very well! But even so, it felt like there
was a distance between them now, when there hadn’t been so much as an inch
before, and Ben didn’t know the reason. Well maybe she was having an
affair with Paul and that was why they’d run off together now. It had to be a
possibility, surely? Not one Ben cared to entertain much, but he might not have
much of a choice in that matter, and ever since the car journey up to
Manchester yesterday morning, Ben hadn’t been able to get the thought of Chloe
with another guy out of his head…
“Well it’s a comforting thought.”
“You better not.” Ben said.
“What?”
“Think about shagging my
girlfriend.”
“Would I do something like that?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve only done it once or twice.”
“What?!”
“Well, only idly.” Paul said. “In
case you were wondering, it was
great for me.”
…it was a horrible horrible thought, and also,
Ben was inclined to think, wholly irrational because Chloe just wasn’t like
that, but it wouldn’t stop bouncing around in his head. On the surface Ben
pretended that it wasn’t happening and acted like everything was fine, but it
wasn’t. It wasn’t fine at all. Well whatever happened, he wouldn’t stand losing
Chloe, no way. He’d fight for her all the way.
“You’re being quiet this morning. What’s
wrong?” Chris asked, looking at Ben.
“Oh, nothing.” Ben said.
It was just the two of them at the breakfast
table now; Mark had left shortly after Chloe and Paul.
“Well it’s not nothing.” Chris said. “You look
really worried.”
“Oh I don’t know, maybe it is.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about, I
might be making a big deal out of nothing.” Ben said.
“Well I won’t tell anyone, if you did need a
sounding-board.”
“Have you noticed anything weird about Chloe?”
“No, I don’t think so. Why?”
“I think, I mean I don’t know, but we’re…
things aren’t right.” Ben said.
“How do you mean? I thought everything was
going great?”
“So did I, but I’ve been thinking about it and
I’m not so sure now.”
“Are you sure this isn’t just a case of
thinking about something too much?”
“Well I hope so, but you know when there’s
something bad going on, but you kinda ignore the evidence and pretend you don’t
know something? And then these little things, like what people have said and
done, start to stand out really blatantly in your mind, but you still ignore it
coz you don’t want to believe what’s happening?”
“Only too well.” Chris said. “You’ve gotta
trust your instincts or you’ll kick yourself later on.”
“I know, but I really don’t want to.” Ben said.
“What are your instincts saying?”
“Well…” Ben started.
What were his instincts saying?
Skdjyckamdspue mostly, which wasn’t entirely conclusive. Ben knew he knew
things, but he didn’t know what they all related to.
“Oww, confusion.” Ben moaned. “I don’t think
what my instincts are saying, apart from that Chloe’s being weird with me for
no reason.”
“Is she?” Chris asked.
“Yeah, a bit. She’s all… closed. She won’t talk
to me.”
“It might not be anything to do with you,
though.”
“Yeah, but it might.”
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on between you
two, but why don’t you talk to her about it?”
“I can’t! She won’t!”
“Just try, that’s all you can do. It’s probably
nothing, I wouldn’t worry. All relationships have their rocky patches.” Chris
advised.
“Not this one.” Ben muttered.
He wasn’t going to talk to Chloe. For some
reason he didn’t want to, felt he should just keep his thoughts to himself for
a bit, keep more of an eye on Chloe and see what happened. He didn’t want to go
charging in accusing her of things if nothing was going on, but all the same,
there had never been a time when Ben had had something on his mind that he
hadn’t wanted to talk to Chloe about. But there it was again, the telling each
other everything thing. Could that be the most severe contradiction of Ben’s
life?