Paul had just finished packing Chloe’s laptop away when he heard a noise behind him. He turned round and saw Chloe standing there watching him.
“Hey,” he said, smiling at her.
She smiled uneasily back.
“How are you feeling?”
“Terrible.” Chloe said.
“You weren’t sleeping well?”
Chloe shook her head. “I keep having nightmares.”
“You wanna sit down?” Paul asked, knowing that Chloe had to lead any interaction or talking.
Chloe shrugged and perched on the edge of the sofa. Paul sat on the opposite side.
“I-”
“Chl-”
Chloe and Paul both started to talk at the same time.
Paul gestured. “You go.”
Chloe looked down. “I-I just feel so embarrassed.” She confessed. “You must think… I’m such a slut.”
“I don’t.” Paul said, in a tone that he hoped would convince Chloe to believe him.
Chloe shook her head. “I’m disgusting.” She said, looking at the red blotches on her arms.
“How did you get those?” Paul asked, wondering if the things he’d read about rapists inflicting physical violence on their victims applied to this case. “Was it M-”
“No.” Chloe said, cutting Paul off.
He made a mental note not to mention Mark’s name.
“I think I’m allergic to bleach.” Chloe said.
Not for the first time that day, Paul felt like bursting into tears right there and then. The thought of Chloe being all alone for the last four days kept coming back to him, and he felt such immense pity for her, even though he knew that wasn’t the way to go. He couldn’t help it though; he just wished he’d got here sooner.
Tears aside, Paul didn’t know what to say to Chloe’s bleach comment. But whatever he said he knew he had to keep it together for Chloe’s sake.
“Do they hurt?” he asked.
Chloe shook her head. “Not really.”
Paul wondered whether that meant, ‘Yes, but not as much as the emotional pain inside.’
“Are you… do you… hurt anywhere else?” Paul asked uncomfortably.
Chloe shifted in her seat. She shook her head silently without looking at Paul.
“Chloe, I,” Paul paused.
This wasn’t easy.
“I don’t want to make things worse for you by asking you loads of questions.” He admitted.
“You can’t make it worse.” Chloe said quietly. “I was going to kill myself.” She continued. “I know it sounds dramatic, and I thought that I could cope if I shut everything out, but it got too hard…. If you hadn’t come…”
Paul tried to hide his shock as Chloe carried on talking in intermittent bursts.
“I read this book once: it was the real diary of this really intelligent little girl who was in therapy because she was abused when she was like, 5, and she had all these repressed memories that were eating away at her. And she was so damaged, but so determined to get better. And one thing that she wrote was that nothing is so bad that you have to give up the best thing you have. She said that the best thing anyone could ever have is life, because without life you wouldn’t have all the things that you think are the best things. They’re like, added extras, all the cars, and the money, and the signed picture of your favourite footballer, and the special moments you’ll remember forever: you wouldn’t have them if you didn’t have life. This little girl, who was so strong inside, said that she never took presents back to the shops because, even if she didn’t like them when she took them at face value, she could still appreciate all the good things about them, and because of that she learned to love them, even things that were broken and didn’t work properly, and that was how she looked at life. She said you should never give up, never ever, because no matter how bad things seem there’s always one thing, one tiny little thing that’s worth living for. Even with the worst situations you have to look at them really hard, even if you didn’t want to, and you mustn’t stop looking until you find the one good thing in it. Coz it’s always there, and eventually you’ll find it. If you keep smiling, you can keep going, she said.” A tear trickled down Chloe’s cheek and she looked at Paul. “But it’s too hard. I can’t keep going, because it hurts so much. And nothing makes it go away. Where’s the good in this?” she asked in despair.
Paul shook his head. “I don’t know.” He said, looking at Chloe. “But don’t give up. Don’t let him win.”
“It’s my fault.” She said.
“What? No it isn’t.”
“It is. Everything’s my fault.” Chloe said, the tears becoming more frequent.
“Why?” Paul asked.
“Because…” Chloe sighed. “Because I wound him up. I made him angry and then I made it worse. After what you said about him using me I decided it was over, except I was too scared to tell him to his face because I knew that somehow he’d make me change my mind. I didn’t want to cheat on Ben, I never meant to; I don’t even remember how it started, but things just got out of hand. I didn’t tell Mark it was over, but I didn’t think I needed to. I thought he’d get the message, but he wouldn’t leave me alone: he kept phoning me, and, remember when we all went to that club?”
Paul nodded.
“He followed me when I went to the toilets. He was acting really weird – I should have known. But I was winding him up then; I was doing it on purpose.” Chloe said, her forehead creasing with emotion. “Dancing with you, kissing Ben…” she trailed off and went silent.
Paul guessed it was the mention of Ben.
“You should tell him.” He said gently.
Chloe’s head shot up. “No.”
“You need someone to be there for you.”
“Aren’t you?” Chloe asked in a very small voice.
“Of course! But you need Ben.”
“He doesn’t need me.”
“Chloe, if you saw the state of him… He’s completely lost without you.”
“You haven’t told him, have you?”
“No! I haven’t told anyone. But you should tell Ben.”
Chloe just shook her head.
“He’d understand.” Paul coaxed.
“How could he?” Chloe said bitterly. “Would he understand about the affair?”
“Yeah, but you said it was a mistake – it wouldn’t matter.”
Chloe shook her head again. “No. You don’t know… You don’t know Ben, okay? If he knew about Mark, he wouldn’t be able to see past that – it’d break his heart and he’d hate me for it. I don’t want that.”
“But he-” Paul stopped himself.
It wasn’t the right time to push Chloe into doing something she didn’t want to do.
“Sorry.” He said. “I promise I won’t tell anyone.”
“Is Ben… Is he okay?” Chloe asked hesitantly.
There were three ways to answer that question. Paul could either be totally honest and tell Chloe that Ben was falling apart without her, be less than honest and play down Ben’s despair, or be more than honest and exaggerate the state Ben was in to try and convince Chloe to tell him what had happened. Paul decided that just plain honesty was the best option, especially seeing as he now realised that none of this would have happened if he hadn’t have got involved and started telling people lies to uphold the illusion of a perfect world. He was trying not to think about that too much.
“He misses you. A lot. He’s worried about where you are, and he doesn’t know what he’s done.”
“I’ve been trying not to think about him… I’ve never wanted him so much.” Chloe said, with fresh tears in her eyes. “I’m only trying to make things easier for him. I don’t want to hurt him any more by telling him the truth.”
Paul nodded. It did make sense in a really sad way. Chloe was doing what she thought was best for Ben, never mind what was best for her. If that wasn’t love, what was?
“Can I at least tell him you’re safe so he stops worrying?” Paul asked.
His problem was that he wanted to do right by both of them, but that could prove to be difficult.
“It’s just he thinks something terrible’s happened to you.”
As he said that, Paul realised that Ben was absolutely right – something terrible had happened to Chloe.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean…”
Chloe smiled weakly and there was a silence between them.
“I need to ask you something.” Paul said eventually, after much agonising over how to broach the subject. “Is that okay?”
Chloe nodded.
“Did Mark… Did he use a condom?” Paul asked hesitantly, almost wanting to close his eyes for fear of the reaction.
He looked at Chloe and saw that the tears were falling from her eyes again.
“Oh, Chloe, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up.” Paul apologised, instantly feeling bad.
“It never goes away.” Chloe said. “It’s not your fault.”
“No…”
Paul wondered how long it would take Chloe to realise that it actually was his fault.
“I-I don’t think he used anything. But it all happened so fast; I don’t know.”
“That’s okay, don’t worry.” Paul said. “Um, are you on the Pill? Sorry, I know it’s personal.”
Chloe shook her head. “It doesn’t agree with me.”
Ohhhhh Goddd.
“Wh-”
Chloe’s face suddenly went even paler. She shook her head.
“No…”
“Chloe, you might not be…”
“Oh no…”
“You’re not on anything?” Paul asked desperately.
“No.” Chloe started to look panicked. “I thought it wouldn’t get any worse. It’s not supposed to get worse.”
“Don’t worry, okay, if you are… you can get rid of it.”
Chloe looked even more horrified. “But… it’d be half mine. And half his. Oh God.”