“I wish you’d told me.” Ben said as he held Chloe against him.
“I’m so sorry.” Chloe murmured into Ben’s t-shirt as she clung to him.
She was never going to let him go. Never ever. The relief she felt was indescribable, it really was, and she felt so safe in his arms that it was almost as if the memories of all the terrible things that she’d been through in the past week were melting away.
“I’m sorry too.” Ben said, his non-relenting grasp a huge comfort to Chloe. “But I’m never gonna let anyone hurt you ever again, I promise.”
Chloe believed him 100%. She felt like nothing could hurt her now she had him back – he’d protect her from everything.
“I missed you so much.” Ben said. “I thought I’d lost you forever.”
Chloe didn’t say anything. She just wanted to be near Ben. She trusted him implicitly, knew he’d never do anything to hurt her, and he was providing her with the glimmer of hope that things might get better from now on. If anyone could make things better, it was Ben.
“I love you, Clo.” Ben whispered. “So much.” He pulled back from her slightly to look at her. “Where do we go from here?”
“It’s up to you.” Chloe said.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t deserve to have an opinion. Not after-”
“What Mark did to you wasn’t your fault.” Ben said, rubbing Chloe’s back.
“I didn’t mean that. I meant…” Chloe paused. “The affair.”
“Oh.”
“Ben, I need to, to explain to you about it. I can’t leave it like this.”
“Like what?”
“Without knowing what you think! I mean, do you hate me?”
“Why do you need to know what I think? It’s in the past now – just forget about it.
“I can’t! I don’t know how you can.”
“I have to. I can’t lose you, not ever, so I don’t care what you do as long as you still want to be with me. You do, don’t you?” Ben asked uncertainly.
“More than anything else in this world. I’m just sorry I didn’t realise sooner.”
“It doesn’t matter now, everything’s okay. Forget about whatever’s happened between us, forget about everything, because you can’t change the past, you can only make the future worthwhile, and I know I can make the future worthwhile with you, so what’s the point in ruining that by being hung-up on the past? It’s so pointless. Yeah, I’m heartbroken that you cheated on me, but I forgive you because I win in the end; I get the girl. All I care about is that you’re okay and that you still want me. Because I love you, and feelings like that don’t just go away.”
“But do you know that I’m sorry?” Chloe asked, looking into Ben’s eyes and knowing the worst was over. “Do you believe that I really mean it?”
Ben nodded and smiled at Chloe. “I believe everything you say babe, that’s my problem.” He said fondly.
“I never stopped loving you.” Chloe said. “I’ll never stop loving you.”
She looked at Ben. She wanted to kiss him, but she didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. She wanted the warmth and security of it, but didn’t know if she’d be able to handle the intimacy. Recently there were all these new feelings inside her that she had to take into account every time she said or did something, and she wasn’t used to them being there. She didn’t yet know their barriers and boundaries and it almost felt like she was starting again with herself.
“Do you feel safe with me?” Ben asked suddenly.
“Yes.” Chloe answered immediately.
“And you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“You know that I’d never do anything like what Mark did, no matter what you did to me, don’t you?”
Chloe nodded.
“Honestly, Chloe, I need to make sure you know. I would never ever do anything to hurt you.” Ben said sincerely.
“I know.” Chloe said quietly.
“Really? Do you really know?”
“I know you’re not Mark; I know you’re nothing like him; I know you’re the only person who can stop me feeling like this.” Chloe said, close to tears.
“Like what?”
“Like I want to start all over again. Everything’s messed up – like a failed computer game – I wish I could forget about everything and start from scratch. Leave everything that I’ve ruined behind. Everywhere I look reminds me of all the things I want to forget, and I can’t move on while they’re still there – every time I try to get up they drag me back down again. I just wish there was a way to make it all go away. I don’t want to face it, or accept it – I just want to forget.”
Ben was quiet for a minute. “You want to leave everything behind?” he asked finally.
Chloe nodded, “I can’t take it any more.”
“Even me?”
“No! You’re the only thing I can’t live without.”
Ben was quiet again, concentration on his face.
“If there was a way to get away, would you leave everything?” he asked.
Chloe nodded without really knowing what Ben meant,
“You’d leave this flat? Your friends, family?”
“What do you mean?” Chloe asked uncertainly.
“I want to take all the horrible things in your head away. I want to make everything better again for you. I don’t want you to have to think about any of the things you’ve been through ever again, and I don’t want to have to think about it, either. I don’t want to see the pain in your eyes when I look at you because it hurts me as well, and call me a quitter, but I don’t want to have to deal with my feelings about what’s happened to you because they scare me – I feel so angry, and it’s more than I can control. If I let it out, I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t want my hot-headedness to mess things up for us any more. But if we went away, far away from everything that’s happened, we could both start again, together.”
“Go where?” Chloe asked.
“Anywhere.” Ben said. “We go to the airport and get on the first plane to anywhere – doesn’t matter where – and we start life from scratch: new hair, new clothes, new things, new people; leave everything behind and forget we were ever here.”
“Go forever?”
Ben nodded and Chloe tried to take in everything he’d just said. The thought of leaving everything - even herself - behind sounded terrifying, but the thought that Ben would be by her side the whole time replaced her fear with hope and the faintest sliver of excitement.
“But who would we be?” she asked.
“Everything we ever wanted to be but thought we couldn’t.” Ben said.
“But what about a place to live? Food, and… everything!”
Ben smiled. “Do you know how much money I’ve got? We could live forever in luxury on the amount I’ve made.”
“What about a1?” Chloe asked, worried that the job Ben loved would be the thing to bring him back down to earth with a bump.
“I don’t want to do it any more.” He said, and Chloe’s heart started to beat faster in anticipation. “It hasn’t done anything but tear us apart since I met you. I want you; nothing else.”
Chloe dared to smile. “I’m scared.” She whispered.
“So am I,” Ben confessed. “But if I’ve got you, I’ve got everything.”
Chloe looked deep deep into Ben’s eyes. They were swirling with ideas and new possibilities.
“You’ve got me.” She said, taking a deep breath before making the biggest decision of her life. “Let’s do it.”
“Really?” Ben asked, and Chloe felt his arms tighten around her.
She nodded.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m sure.”
Ben smiled and hugged Chloe.
She closed her eyes as she pressed her head against his shoulder, thinking about what she’d just agreed to. It was scary, it was risky; it was an escape from the hell she was living in. She knew it wouldn’t instantly cure her mind of the memories, but it’d be a damn good start. She’d be a new person, with a new life, new thoughts, new feelings: nothing behind her, a real future with the person she loved most in front of her. It was like Ben said: she could be whoever she wanted to be.
“When?” Chloe asked Ben, pulling out of the embrace.
“It’s up to you.” Ben said, still holding her gently.
“I can’t go until tomorrow. I’ve got to get the test results from the clinic.”
“What results?” Ben asked, instantly concerned.
“To make sure Mark didn’t give me anything.” Chloe said uncomfortably.
“Oh.” Ben said, finding Chloe’s hand and squeezing it. “When do you get them?”
Chloe shrugged. “The woman just said tomorrow.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Ben asked.
“Will you?”
“If you want me there.”
“I do.” Chloe said, feeling overcome. “I’m really worried about what they’re gonna say.”
“Don’t worry until there’s something to worry about.” Ben said. “And whatever happens, I’ll be right here.”
“Even if it’s bad?” Chloe asked anxiously.
Ben nodded. “No matter what.”
“Thank you.”
“So we’ll go and get the results tomorrow morning?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“And then…?” Ben asked in anticipation.
“Then we go?” Chloe questioned nervously.
“Only if it’s what you want.”
“Is it what you want?”
Ben nodded slowly. “Yes.”
“Let’s go tomorrow.”
“Okay. Okay.”
“Okay.” Chloe smiled at Ben for reassurance.
He smiled back.
“Ben,”
“Yes, babe?” Ben said, stroking Chloe’s hair.
“Will you stay with me tonight?”
Ben smiled again and pulled Chloe closer to him. “Anything you want.”