Why did you do it, Mark? Why?
“I don’t know.” Mark mumbled as he rocked back and forth on the floor, hands covering his face, trying to block out the voices in his head.
It’s because you’re a monster.
“It wasn’t me.”
You wanted to
hurt her, didn’t you? Hurt her like she hurt you.
“I didn’t mean to hurt her!”
You wanted to
teach her a lesson.
“No!”
You wanted to
show her that she couldn’t mess with you and get away with it.
“Shut up!” Mark cried, moving his hands over his ears.
You enjoyed it, didn’t you? Got what you always wanted.
“I didn’t want that!”
Then why did you do it?
“I don’t know!”
You must know.
“I don’t! Leave me alone!”
Did you think she’d love you more?
“No!”
Where is she
now, Mark?
“I don’t know.”
She’s dead,
Mark.
“No. No she isn’t.”
You killed her.
“I didn’t! She isn’t dead!” Mark exclaimed, angry confused tears blurring his vision.
It’s your fault.
“I know!”
Why did you do it?
“I don’t know!” Mark screamed, picking up the nearest thing to hand and flinging it against the wall.
The peaceful glitter dome splinted on impact, the glitter exploding all over Mark’s bedroom, the base falling back to earth with a dull thud.
Why are you angry?
“Because you won’t leave me alone!”
Are you angry with her?
“No!”
Don’t you wish she was here now so you could take all your anger out on her?
“No!”
You should
punish her for what she’s done to you; make yourself feel better.
“Stop it! Shut up!”
Don’t you want to make it all go away?
“I don’t want to hurt Chloe.”
You know it’s not the only way.
“I know.”
You’ve been thinking about it, haven’t you?
“Yes.”
Do you want to do it?
Mark took a deep breath. “No.”
“I can’t.”
Why not?
“I need to know that Chloe’s okay.”
But she’s not okay, because of you.
“I know, I’m sorry!” Mark cried.
Killer.
“I didn’t kill her!”
Killer.
“She’s not dead!”
Killer.
“Shut up shut up shut up!!!”
Do it.
“No!” Mark exclaimed.
Do it.
“Leave me alone!”
Do it.
“Stop it!” Mark shouted, getting up unsteadily and leaning heavily against the wall.
Killer.
“I’m sorry!” he howled. “I just wanted to be with her! I love her!”
He pushed himself away from the wall and stumbled across the room towards his bedside table. He bent down and opened the cabinet part of it, pulling several small boxes made of thin coloured cardboard out onto the floor. “I never meant to hurt you, Chloe.” He said, picking up a half-empty bottle of mineral water that had been sitting by his bed for about a week. “Everything I do is for you, so now I’m doing one last thing for you.”
Mark grouped the boxes and the water in a messy heap on the floor, and walked slowly across his room to draw his curtains.
“I know you’ll never forgive me for what I did, so now you won’t have to.”
Crossing the room again, Mark locked his bedroom door with the turn of a key. Then he turned the lights off and went back over to the pile of objects, the dim sunlight seeping through his curtains showing him the way.
“You were the only person I ever wanted, Chloe.”
Mark gathered the boxes and water into his arms and transferred them onto the bed.
“And I’m so in love with you, but you didn’t know how much.”
Mark started to open the boxes, pulling back the flimsy cardboard flap and tipping the contents out until his bed was littered with silver-backed plastic strips.
“If I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want anyone.”
Discarding the empty boxes, Mark started to pop tiny capsule-shaped white tablets out of the plastic strip.
“It’s always been you, Chloe.”
Looking at the pile of pills in front of him, Mark took a deep breath, wiped away the tears, and put two in his mouth, washing them down with a swig of the stale water.
“Nobody but you.”
Mark continued to take the tablets until there were none left. Then he pushed the plastic strips and loose foil off his bed, pulled back the covers and climbed in. He lay back and closed his eyes.
Soon it’d all be over.
“Hi, erm, my name’s Chloe Homer; I’m here to get some test results?” Chloe said nervously as she stood next to Ben at the familiar clinic reception desk, hand tightly in his.
The woman behind the desk – a different one from the day before – clicked at something on the computer screen in front of her and nodded.
“If you’d like to take a seat we’ll give you a call.” She said pleasantly.
“Okay.” Chloe said, retreating to the seated area with Ben.
“How are you feeling? You feeling okay?” Ben asked as they sat down.
“Scared.” Chloe admitted.
“It’ll be okay.” Ben reassured her.
“Yeah.” Chloe said, hardly hearing what he said.
She didn’t think she’d be this worried about the test results, but she supposed that she’d still been in a state of shock when she had the tests done, so she hadn’t given it much thought at all until now. But suddenly everything was alarmingly real, and in her mind it was very likely that the results she was going to get might not be the ones she was hoping for. And just when things were maybe starting to look up.
Last night had been… nice. Paul had left for London before it got dark leaving Chloe and Ben alone in the flat. Chloe had started to feel inexplicably nervous, considering the person she was alone with she’d been dating for nearly a year, but Ben had seen it in her eyes and had done everything he possibly could – and more – to reassure her that everything was okay and she was totally safe with him. They’d stayed up for hours talking about their plans for the next day and when the time came to go to sleep, Ben had made up a bed on the sofa without Chloe having to say a word. And when Chloe had woken up in the middle of the night from a startlingly vivid nightmare and had gone into the sitting room to find Ben, she’d found that he’d stayed awake purposely in case she needed him. He’d made her a hot drink and sat with her on the sofa, arms around her, keeping her safe from everything until she fell back to sleep, when he put a blanket over her and crept off to sleep in her bed while she slept on the sofa. When she’d woken up in the morning he’d been there, ready with a smile to start her day off on the right foot for the first time in a week, and he was still here, still smiling at her. It was amazing how something so small could make such a difference.
“So, um, what happens after this?” Chloe asked, trying to get their “escape” plan straight in her head.
“We go back to your flat, get your passport and- You’re not taking anything else, are you?”
Chloe shook her head. “We’re starting again, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And you have money?”
“Plenty.”
“Then I don’t need anything.”
“Sure?”
Chloe thought over all her worldly possessions: all the things she’d collected in her 19 years of life, the things that held endless memories of times passed, the things that belonged to relatives before her, things she’d had as a small child, the things she’d saved up for, the presents she’d been given…
“Yes.” She said.
If she was really going to start all over again, she didn’t want anything to remind her of who she used to be.
“Okay, so we get your passport, go to the train station-”
“Haven’t you got your car?”
“Yeah, but I’ll leave it here. We can get a new one when we’re there.”
“Wherever there is.” Chloe said.
“You do want to go, don’t you?” Ben asked.
“Yeah, I do, but do you?”
“Course I do!”
“Are you sure? Coz… you don’t need to leave everything behind, do you?”
“No, but I need to be with you.”
“It’s just, I feel kind of bad; I feel like I’m forcing you to leave.”
“Clo, it was my idea. I want you to be happy.” Ben tried to assure her.
“But you wouldn’t have to go if it wasn’t for me. It’s a lot to give up…”
“I know.” Ben said, squeezing her hand. “But so are you.”
“What?” Chloe asked, not following.
“A lot to give up.” Ben said with a smile in her direction. “So anyway, we get the train to Paddington, I go and get all my money out of the bank, put it in a big bag-”
“Really?”
“What?”
“You’re not really going to put it in a big bag, are you?”
“Yeah! How else am I going to get it to where we’re going?”
“I dunno.” Chloe said. “But doesn’t it make you look a bit like a gangster if you’ve got a big bag full of thousands of pounds?”
“It does, actually.” Ben said. “Cool!”
Chloe sighed and smiled. “Then what?”
“Then we go to the airport and get on the next plane to anywhere. That’s the exciting bit.”
“And we’re just gonna go?”
“Yep.”
“Without telling anyone?”
“I thought you didn’t want to tell anyone?”
“No, no I don’t, but… Can I tell Paul?” Chloe asked.
She felt so indebted to Paul that she didn’t think she could just go and not tell him. It wouldn’t be fair, not after how much he’d helped her.
“My Paul?”
“Yeah.”
“You can tell him.” Ben said. “You can do that while I get the money.”
Chloe nodded. “Okay.”
“Chloe Homer?” came the call from across the room.
Chloe nervously stood up and looked at Ben.
“Are you coming?” she asked.
“Yeah.” Ben said, standing up and taking her hand again.
They walked down the same corridor Chloe and Paul had walked down only a day ago and into exactly the same room.
“Hello Chloe.” Said the woman who had seen her last time. “Please, have a seat.”
Chloe and Ben sat down, hands still connected.
“And you are?” the woman asked, looking at Ben.
“Um, he’s my boyfriend.” Chloe said.
The woman looked at her. “Right.” She said, studying her notes. “And you want him to stay?”
“Please.” Chloe said, holding her breath as she waited for the news that could change her life.
“Well, we’ve had the results back from the tests you took, and I’m pleased to tell you that you tested negative for all counts of sexually transmitted disease.”
Chloe let out the breath in relief. She looked at Ben and he was smiling at her.
“However – and I don’t know whether you will regard this as good news, or not – the tests did find something, and it’s in the form of a very tiny baby. You are pregnant.”