Sx.

Chapter Ten

School discos had always been something of an ordeal for me, and this year was no exception. I’d lost count of how many discos I’d spent sat in a corner, desperately hoping some guy would ask me to dance…and of course, he never did. I’d inevitably end up dancing with Chris, who felt sorry for me, and revelled in the gossip the two of us would cause the next day when one of the cool kids would want to know what was going on between us. It never crossed any of their minds that a boy and girl could just be friends without anything else going on.

It was almost funny now, looking back at last year’s Christmas disco. I had been so desperate to get together with David Blake, or at least get some sort of a sign that he liked me. But instead I’d ended up crying on Ali’s shoulder in the girls’ toilets after catching him groping Emma Hill in a corner. What did she have that I didn’t? Okay, a size DD bust, but apart from that?

Now I could see that what Ali and Lucy had told me all along was right. I deserved someone so much better than a guy who picked his next girlfriend by the size of their chest, and how far they’d let him go with them behind the bike sheds. At the time it had been the end of the world though, and I thought I’d never get over the way I felt that night.

That was nothing compared to the aching I felt in my heart tonight though. Because this year was different to all the rest…for the first time ever I knew that the guy I wanted to dance with, wanted to dance with me too. Only...we couldn't. We had to spend the night tiptoeing around each other, pretending that we didn’t feel the way we did, just because of some stupid school rules thought up by someone who’d clearly never fallen in love with the wrong person.

I could tell it was going to be a long night.

I hadn’t really spoken to Ben since last Friday night/Saturday morning – that was almost a week ago. Obviously we’d seen each other in class, but we’d been keeping our distance. It wasn’t like we’d been avoiding each other. I could tell by the way he looked at me when we passed in the corridor that what happened at his house hadn’t changed anything between us. But we had to take some time out and think about this logically. Maybe it was good that this was the last day of term before the Christmas holidays. Maybe not seeing Ben for two weeks would make my feelings for him disappear.

The Head had really pushed the boat out to make it a good party this year. Normally we had some really old DJ – someone’s dad I think – who thought that the Bee Gees were the height of cool. But this year we actually had a DJ under the age of 50, who not only knew who Girls Aloud and Linkin’ Park were, but also actually had the songs that the kids were requesting (unlike the usual "Justin who?" response we were used to). I did have to admit that he was actually quite good.

Ali had said a quick hi to me at the beginning of the night, but had subsequently disappeared with Karl to goodness knows where. Lucy had started the evening glued to my side, apologising over and over again for the whole fiasco with Matt, and making sure that I was okay to be at the same disco as him. She was really starting to get on my nerves though, so I eventually had to tell her that I was absolutely fine, and if she wanted to spend the night with Adam then that was okay with me.

Chris, as usual, was up in the middle of the dance floor, busting a few moves and showing off to anyone who would watch. I couldn’t help but laugh at him as he tried to do a head-spin, lost his balance, and collapsed into a heap on the floor. He didn’t seem in the least embarrassed though as he picked himself up and moon-walked over to me.

"What are you laughing at?" He asked, as he tried to pull me up to my feet. "C’mon, lets see you try to do a head-spin!"

"Noooooo!" I laughed, trying to pull away from his grasp. "I can’t do head-spins."

"Well how about a dance then?"

I frowned. "Hmm, maybe later."

"How’s about a snog?" he laughed, as he whipped a sprig of mistletoe out from behind his back and held it above his head, puckering up his lips.

I pulled a face. "Er Chris, do I have to remind you of the snogging incident in year eight?"

He opened his eyes and looked at me, as though trying to remember back to our dim and distant past. "Hmm yeah, good point," he pondered. "You did kiss like a sloppy fish!"

"Oi you!" I said, punching him on the arm. "You weren’t exactly the world’s best yourself."

He sighed. "I can see I’ll just have to find myself another Christmas treat then." He looked around the room, and a big smile spread across his face as he spotted Vicki Pye in the corner. He started over towards her, before quickly turning back round to me. "And don’t you go anywhere, I’ll find you a man before the clock strikes midnight, Cinderella!" He gave me a quick wink, and continued with his beeline for Vicki.

Great, I thought, that’s all I need, Chris trying to set me up with someone. As if Lucy’s attempt wasn’t bad enough. God knows who Chris would try and set me up with. Probably some minger from the drama club.

I sighed as I swept the room with my eyes. The school gym had been transformed beyond recognition – why we couldn’t hire out a proper venue like everyone else was beyond me, but I did have to admit that a pretty good job had been done. There were lots of red, green and gold decorations hanging up, and there was a huge tree in the corner, which was so tall it touched the ceiling, so the star was attached as near to the top as possible. There were boxes underneath that had been wrapped up to look like presents – although, as I looked closer I could see that a couple underneath had been unwrapped, and the empty boxes discarded in a pile.

As my eyes wandered along from the tree towards the DJ booth, they came to an abrupt stop on Ben, who was standing by the drinks table chatting to Mr Marrazzi. Why did it have to be like this? Why couldn’t we just forget about what everyone else thought and do what we wanted to do for a change? I could just see it now, me and Ben in the middle of the dance floor, our bodies swaying to the beat, in front of the whole school. If that didn’t get him fired and me expelled I didn’t know what would!

My view was suddenly blocked, and I looked up to see Chris towering over me, his hand held out.

"I’m not taking no for an answer this time!" he said, as I took his hand and let him lead me onto the dance floor. He started waving his arms around like a loony, and I followed suit, not worrying about how stupid we both looked.

Every so often I’d sneak a glance over at Ben, and once Chris caught me and followed my gaze over to the drinks table.

"Got your eye on somebody have you?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"No, of course not!" I said, maybe a little too quickly, glad that the disco lights would be hiding the bright crimson glow of my face.

He leant in closer, to be heard over the music. "I’ve still got that mistletoe you know, if you’d like me to…" He motioned over towards the drinks table. "Just tell me which one you want."

I looked over his shoulder and saw, thankfully, that there was also a group of year 13 boys standing there too. Chris was bound to think I had my eye on one of them, I mean, it was far more likely to be one of them than Ben.

I forced a laugh. "No, I’m fine thanks. I’m enjoying just dancing here with you." And with that I began the mad dance moves again, as if to reinforce that I was having a good time.

The selection of music had been really good so far, although I did wonder how much longer it would be before all the party songs like the Macarena and Agadoo made an appearance. I let out a giggle as I pictured all the teachers lining up behind the students and trying to copy the dance moves to Saturday Night as they did every year – maybe Ben would join in too.

Suddenly I heard my name and sprung back to reality.

"This next song is a dedication – it’s for Sophie, and it’s Busted, What I Go To School For."

I was a bit confused for a moment, and it took me a while to register that it had been the DJ’s voice saying my name - in front of a room full of crowded people! Chris was jumping up and down and going mental, and he grabbed my hands and raised them into the air.

"Come on Soph!" he yelled, "dance! I picked this song especially for you."

I looked at him, puzzled. "What? You made the dedication?"

"Yeah," he said proudly, smiling at me, casting his eyes towards the drinks table where Ben was now standing on his own, looking over towards me. He quickly averted his stare when he realised we were looking at him.

"What’s that supposed to mean?" I asked Chris angrily, although I was barely audible over the music.

He just smiled and started singing the chorus. "That’s what I go to school for, even though it is a real bore, you can call me crazy, but I know that he craves me."

A feeling or horror swept over me as I listened to the words.

Chris leant in closer so only I could hear. "That’s what I go to school for, even though it is a real bore, boyfriends I’ve had plenty, but no one quite like Benji, that’s what I go to school for." And with that he leapt up in the air, pretending to play the guitar (he had always fancied himself as a bit of a rock star).

I stood rooted to the spot, not quite believing what I’d just heard. "I…I don’t understand…" I managed to utter the words as I tried to control the nausea rising inside me.

"Ali told me about the thing you have for a certain teacher."

"What?" I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

"There’s nothing to be ashamed of," he giggled. "I can see why you girls would find him attractive…I mean, he’s got that boy band look, hasn’t he?"

I was still staring at him in disbelief. How could Ali have told him? When she promised not to? And how could he have picked this song for me, in front of the whole of the sixth form?

"As if you’ve got a chance with Ben," Vicki Pye hissed in my ear, as she passed us on the way to the DJ booth.

My embarrassment turned to anger now…anger at Vicki Pye’s comment, anger at Ali for telling Chris my secret, anger at Chris for telling the rest of the world…but most of all anger at the fact that it even had to be like this in the first place.

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as my face got hotter and hotter, and the room started to spin. All I could think was that I had to get out of there, I had to get air and breathe properly. I pushed my way through the other kids on the dance floor, and I could hear them angrily muttering under their breath as I stormed past. Chris was right behind me trying to grab my arm and make me turn around to face him, but I shook him off angrily as I made my way towards the exit. Before I knew it I’d reached the corridor, and as soon as I was free from the music and crowds I broke into a run. I could hear Chris’ footsteps behind me as he tried to keep up with me, but all I could think of was getting to the school entrance hall. The tears were coming thick and fast now, burning against my face as they trickled down and plopped off the end of my chin.

As I stepped out in the dark night, a blanket of cold hit me. I stopped and took a few big gulps of air, sinking down on the cold stone steps that led up to the entrance and burying my head in my hands. I heard the door swing open behind me and footsteps come towards me, then felt a hand on my shoulder.

I shook it off angrily. "I don’t want to talk to you Chris!" I sobbed.

I felt him sit down on the step beside me, and immediately felt the anger bubble up inside. "I said I don’t want to…"

I stopped as drew my head up and realised the eyes I was looking into were Ben’s.

He smiled as he reached out towards me, and wiped a tear away from my face with his thumb. "It’s always worth paying that little bit extra for the waterproof mascara," he laughed.

"The panda eyes not a good look?" I sniffed.

"I’ve always thought pandas were quite cute." There was silence as Ben reached into his pocket and handed me his hanky. "Here, have this."

I took it and started dabbing my eyes with it, and before long found my tears dissolving and turning into fits of giggles.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked, puzzled.

"You," I chuckled. "I mean, what kind of guy carries around a hanky? And it’s even got a B embroidered into the corner!"

"Oh…er…my nan sent me a set for my birthday," he blushed. "At least it made you smile."

I looked up at him. "No Ben, you made me smile."

He put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer. "Are you going to tell me what the tears are for?"

"You heard the dedication," I mumbled.

"So what? Nobody’s going to pay any attention. They’ll just think you’re a Busted fan."

I pulled away from him. "That’s not the point."

"So what is the point?"

I opened my mouth to speak, just as I heard the door behind us creak open. We both jumped up and turned around like a pair of frightened rabbits caught in the headlights - I expected to see the head standing there, but it was just a couple of kids eating the faces off each other, far too preoccupied to have noticed us there.

"Can we go somewhere else?" I whispered, not wanting to interrupt the kissing couple.

We slowly crept away, making our way around the perimeter of the school, and stopped in the shadows where we could no longer be seen.

I leant back against the wall with a big sigh.

Ben turned to me. "You going to tell me what all this is about now?"

"What if people know?" I asked, alarmed.

Ben shook his head. "It was just a song. Nobody will think anything of it. Maybe they’ll think you fancy a teacher, but that’s it."

"That’s it?" I groaned. "Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is?"

"Oh, so I embarrass you now, do I?"

"You know I didn’t mean that," I laughed, punching him lightly on the arm. "Grr, I’m going to kill Ali!"

"What’s Ali got to do with it?" he asked, puzzled.

"Well I told her not to tell anybody, and then she went and told Chris."

"Told her not to tell anybody what?" A worried look spread across Ben’s face.

"Oh, don’t worry, I didn’t tell her what happened at your flat last weekend," I said. "I mean, she knew that I stayed, and I had to tell her something."

"And…?"

"Well I told her I had a crush on you."

Ben laughed. "And do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Have a crush on me?"

I stopped for a minute, as if considering it. "No," I replied flatly.

I saw Ben’s face fall. "Oh, I see."

"I don’t have a crush on you…I’m in love with you, and that’s something very different entirely."

Ben looked at me, shocked. "What did you just say?"

"I said I’m in love…with…you."

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I’d never said that to anybody before – I wasn’t the kind of person to tell somebody I loved them unless I meant in one hundred percent. And with Ben it just felt right, I knew he was the one.

Now though, as he was standing there staring down at me, a thick air of silence hanging between us, I was beginning to think those three little words had equalled one big mistake…

"Well say something then," I said, a hint of pleading in my voice.

There was another moment of silence between us, before a cheeky smile started to play around his lips.

"Just shut up and kiss me…" he whispered.