~Helllllllllloooooooo. One day, Clo and Kate (II Webmasters) decided that it was about time they wrote a fic together. The only idea they had for this fic was that it was going to be “mildly” mocking Ben, and that a1 would be in it. Somewhere. This is the result of a picnic (to escape from the GIANT spider that had taken over Clo’s room) where Kate got jumped on by a muddy dog (myyyyyy toppppppppp! L), we climbed trees and invaded streams for the sake of comedy photographs and played the T-Game all the way home (it took Clo a while to get the hang of it). Ohhhhh the hilarity. The next day, amongst too many a1 videos (YOU MIGHT AS WELL UNLOCK ALL THE DOORS- AND TAKE A SHOWER!!!!! UHOH- NERD ALERT! Yeah! How likely is that on a scale of one-to-ten? Er… 3? He’s only little! (awww!) Not everything is a sonnnnng! Not a songgggggggg! PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS! *Ahem*), Clo and Kate stared at a computer screen all day until their brains stopped working (literally), when they then proceeded to make lists of things Paul liked and words beginning with ‘M’, while Kate got increasingly more confused by walking chocolate. But we made it to the end- in the end, and this is the result! TAAAAAAAAAAAA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (You won’t understand a word of it.)

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Clo and Kate xxxxxxxxx

PS. **WARNING** Over-exposure to Ben in long-sleeved tops has caused Clo to revert back to her previous ‘I love Ben’ phase, causing Kate much distress and no doubt long-term emotional damage.

PPS. We are not under the influence of either drugs or alcohol, but we are under the influence of a1, particularly Paul in his Santa hat, reindeer antlers and fairy wings. He needs someone to look after him, bless him.

PPPS. No guitars were harmed in the making of this fic.

PPPPS. People who make their own letterheads are to be avoided at all costs.

PPPPPS. We think we need a lie down…~

The Time When Ben Nearly Fulfilled His Evil Dreams And Took Over The World Until Paul Saved The Day At The Last Minute

The moment Ben started wearing sunglasses indoors I knew I had to leave the band. Then this morning I turned the TV on and saw that things had got much much worse.

Hi, I’m Paul. That’s Paul; not Paul a1, not Paul from a1, not Paul ex-of a1, not the small Spanish guy who couldn’t play any instruments, just Paul. And actually, I’m not that small – I’m 5’5”, which isn’t as small as 5’4” – and I can play an instrument – I play the tambourine, and I’m really rather good at it, even if I do say so myself. You may remember me from such songs as Be The First To Believe – I was always the best at that dance routine - Summertime Of Our Lives – the dolphins’ favourite – and Ready Or Not – I had to make that dance routine up on the spot and it turned out to be the best one we’d ever done. Well, what can I say… Oh, and Caught In The Middle, but the less about that one, the better. Anyway, enough about me – I’m fine, completely okay – it’s Ben who’s got the problem.

He’s totally lost the plot!

So there I was, Saturday morning, sprawled across the sofa, massive hangover (not my fault), having an early-morning beer, y’know, to alleviate the pain, innocently watching SM:TV, when who should come on stage but my old “best friends”, Ben, Mark and Christian. Except, this wasn’t any normal TV appearance; something was clearly amiss here…

“So we’ve got a great show in store for you today, and kicking it all off for us it’s a1 with…” Ant paused and squinted at the auto-cue in front of him. “With…” - Wait, that couldn’t be right – He looked at Dec and Cat who were looking similarly baffled at what the screen said. “a1, with…” Ant turned to look at the floor manager. “Hey, John, is that thing right?” he hissed, pointing at the auto-cue.

John nodded, shrugged, and pointed at the script.

“Right, so, er, that’s a1, performing their new triple A-side – all three of them – Like A Rose, I’ll Take The Tears, and Cherish This Love.” Ant raised his eyebrow. “Take it away, lads!”

Ant and Dec swung uncertainly round to point at the stage where a1 were waiting to perform.

The choice of songs was weird enough in itself – I could have sworn we’d already released Like A Rose, I’m hardly gonna forget those awful light blue “outfits” they made us wear, am I? And I’m sure I’ll Take The Tears was on the second album, not that it’s an incredibly memorable song, but you tend to remember when you’re forced against your will to include one of the worst songs known to man on a CD that’s supposed to be as much yours as all the other band members. And then Cherish This Love, which brings us to a total of three songs, all written by Ben. But hang on a minute – three songs?! Since when did anyone release a triple A-side? Why would anyone want to release a triple A-side? Apart from Ben. He wrote all the songs, after all.

And then looking at them on stage, I could see that that was the point – Ben had written all the songs, and obviously wanted to make that fact very clear, as he was standing centre-stage with Christian and Mark huddled at the back in a corner. They looked as though they were trying to move further onto the stage, but every time Christian shuffled forward a few paces, a stern look from one of the burly men at the edge of the stage made him rethink his movement and huddle closer to Mark. I could have sworn they were holding hands, and Mark had a strange look in his eyes: almost like a proud father. He was gazing at Ben in – I hate to say it – admiration and awe. The focus was clearly on Ben due to the fact that he was centre-stage, all by himself, but that was reinforced by the unbelievably enormous giant fluorescent spotlight focussed on him, leaving Mark and Christian standing in the shadows. That spotlight was blinding me, and I was on the other side of the screen. I didn’t know how Ben was bearing it, but then I realised… He was still wearing those God-awful sunglasses.

The sunglasses have a certain history to them. I don’t know how it all started, but I don’t think he’s taken them off since that Gareth Gates concert we went to. God that was embarrassing, especially when Gareth threw his sunglasses into the crowd and Ben caught them and started screaming excitedly like a little girl. I just pretended not to know him: God, how many times have I thought that in my life? Anyway, back to the point. Ben has been wearing that same pair of sunglasses ever since, and his behaviour started to become increasingly odd, but not as odd as this performance.

It seemed to go on forever – I lost the will to live half way through I’ll Take The Tears and I could see that the audience weren’t far behind me. I even contemplated doing the washing up to get away from the dreadful warbling that was going on and on and on, but decided against it. Who washes up on a Saturday morning? Or ever, in fact, or is that just me? Finally it was over and Ben took the most self-satisfied bow I’ve ever seen. He looked so pleased with himself, proclaiming to the crowd, “Thank you so much, but I know I was good”, before winking in that way that always made me want to staple his eyes permanently open so I wouldn’t have to endure it any more. No-one likes it anyway. Well, apart from Ben, but he would. It is him, after all. After that, Mark bounded up to Ben, jumping around him, clapping his hands, until he was removed from the stage by a man in uniform. Then two women in bikinis appeared at his side to help Ben off stage. I must say I did enjoy that part of the performance. Definitely the best bit. Christian hung around for a bit after that looking fairly lost, but then what’s new? Eventually someone had to escort him off stage and tell him where he was supposed to be.

That was the weirdest start to a TV show I’d ever seen, and it was about to get a lot weirder…

“Thanks guys, that was, er, very moving.” Cat said, exchanging a confused glance with Dec.

A faint shout of “I know!” that sounded suspiciously like Ben could just about be heard from the other side of the studio.

Cat coughed. “Anyway! Let’s bring the a1 guys back on now, because it’s time to Ring To Win!”

The Ring To Win music started to play and Ben strode onto the screen and stood right in the middle, arms folded – cloak on his back. I thought that was a bit odd, but I let it pass coz they always made us wear stupid things on SM:TV anyway. Mark and Christian grooved along to the music, but Ben just stood there defiantly saying, “I don’t dance”. No, that’s right, you’re “serious” musicians. Just go abandon the one thing I’m good at, why don’t you? (Bitter? Me?) In the end they had to subtly move Ben from the centre of the screen so you could see the presenters, and he stood sulking at the side, refusing to sit on the sofa with Mark and Christian until someone had brought on a cushion for him to sit on. What was up with that guy this morning, I was thinking. He was being seriously weird.

“We’ve got some great prizes for you this morning, all courtesy of the lovely Gareth Gates!” Cat said.

Ben let out a sudden high-pitched squeal and everyone turned to look at him in surprise. He didn’t even notice and continued to gaze at the table of prizes.

“Um, okay, Ben’s clearly very excited about the competition this morning.” Cat continued.

“Am I!” Ben exclaimed, looking like he was having trouble sitting still.

“Anyway, we’re giving you and a friend the chance to spend the day with Gareth on the set of his new video…”

At the mention of Gareth’s name, Ben squealed again.

“You’ll get to spend the whole day with Gareth, having lunch with him and appearing in his new video…”

By this time, Ben had started to jump up and down on the spot, clapping his hands together and grinning in excitement. He was saying “Oh my God!” over and over again, his speech affected by the fact that he was now hyperventilating – the prospect of meeting Gareth proving too much for him.

Ant leaned in to whisper to Mark, “Is Ben feeling alright, mate?”

Mark looked at him in confusion. “He’s fine! He’s Ben!” he said fondly.

Ant edged closer to Dec, not quite sure that a1 were the right guests to be on that morning’s show after all.

“If you want to be in a chance of winning this prize, all you have to do is answer this simple question: What is Gareth’s surname? Is it a) Fences, b) Gates, or c) Hadrian’s Wall?”

Ben’s hand shot up in the air. “Oh my God, I know this one!” he exclaimed loudly.

Cat looked at him in complete bewilderment. “Well Ben, if you think you know, you know what you have to do! Call this number - 0900 22 44 66.”

“I am! I am!” Ben exclaimed, furiously dialling the number on his mobile phone, which he’d produced from somewhere.

“Calls cost no more than 30p, but-”

“It’s engaged!” Ben exclaimed in frustration.

“But, um, please remember to get permission from-”

She was cut off again by Ben shouting, “It’s still engaged!” He started to look panicked. “Someone else is going to win! Someone else is going to win!”

“Whoever pays the bill.” Cat finished quickly, before she could be interrupted further.

Ben was banging his phone on his knee, trying to get it to work. Suddenly he threw it across the floor.

“It’s broken!” he exclaimed. “It’s not fair! I must win the competition!”

“Now now, Ben. You can’t win everything.” Dec said jokingly.

Ben looked at him in utmost horror. “But I always win!” he shouted before flouncing off-screen, stamping his snakeskin boots loudly as he went.

“Right, erm, now it’s time for Spongebob.” Dec said to the camera, still confused by Ben’s behaviour.

“Where’s my guitar?” said Christian, looking around him.

He wasn’t the only one who was confused. What was going on here? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m fairly sure it wasn’t like that when I was in the band. Ben was almost bearable back then; this morning he was giving me more of a headache than the six crates of Carlsberg I drank last night. He just seemed completely off his head, and that Gareth thing had been more than mildly disturbing. It was then I began to realise how much his hair looked like Gareth’s that morning. And was that a white suit he was wearing? I began to get a sneaking suspicion that the worst was yet to come, and it wasn’t even 10 o’ clock yet. I knew I shouldn’t have got out of bed this morning. Or maybe I haven’t. Maybe this is all a horrible dream and in a minute I’ll wake up and- Oh hang on, I’m always Prince in my dreams. No, this is definitely real. Ohhhh dear…

After Spongebob (bizarre cartoon, but strangely alluring), they started to do a ‘Backstage at SM:TV’ fly-on-the-wall type thing, which brought all the cameras to the dressing-room area. The first thing I noticed was that Mark and Christian were standing outside the a1 dressing room, and Christian didn’t have many clothes on.

“For Christ’s sake, Christian, put some clothes on!” Mark hissed, grinning jollily for the benefit of the cameras.

Christian looked at him blankly.

“We’re not in the dressing room, we’re in the corridor outside! Put some clothes on, there’s a camera behind you.” Mark said, with another cheesy smile.

Christian looked behind him. “Where’s my guitar?” he asked.

“It doesn’t matter where your guitar is!” Mark exclaimed, hitting Christian round the head to try and knock some sense into him. “Don’t worry about him, he’s only Norwegian!” Mark said off the cameraman’s bemused look.

And then they made the mistake of knocking on “Ben’s” dressing-room door. There was a shout of “You may cross over the threshold!” from inside and the cameraman exchanged a glance with Mark. Something told me they weren’t glancing in the same way, though. The cameraman’s glance was clearly one of, ‘Has he completely lost it?’, whereas Mark’s was very much one of ‘I love Ben, isn’t he the best?!’. I went to take a drink from my beer, shaking my head, and when I saw the inside of the dressing room and what Ben was doing in there, I spat it all back out again. Oh my God, it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Yes, even worse than Ben first thing in the morning. I should sue that boy for the amount of emotional damage he’s done to me.

The dressing room seemed to have been transformed into some sort of twisted Gareth shrine. There were Gareth photos plastered all over the wall, the most hideous of which was the gigantic framed one, surrounded by candles, which Ben appeared to be deep in conversation with.

“Greetings!” Ben said as the poor unsuspecting cameraman entered the room. “Me and Gareth welcome you. I suppose you want a tour, and of course you’ll want to be interviewing me. Would you like my entire life story, or just what I’ve done so far today? I’m sure we can spare some time for you, can’t we Gareth?” Ben said, stroking the picture lovingly.

I don’t know whether it’s the hangover, or the Gareth incident, but something was making me feel very very sick. Looks like I got out just in time – Ben seems to have been completely taken-over by a strange Gareth obsession. When I knew him he was sometimes a bit weird, but he wasn’t a complete freak! The Gareth thing had thrown me so much that I hadn’t even noticed until now that Ben was sitting on a lavish throne! But not just that, he was surrounded by people dressed in t-shirts with varying Ben slogans emblazoned on the front, such as, ‘I © Ben’, ‘Ben Is King’, ‘Ben For God’, ‘Ben Is The Best’, ‘Without Ben Life Is Worthless’, ‘Ben, You Treat Me Like A Rose’, ‘Cherish Ben’, and I think I’ll stop there before I’m actually physically sick. These people were fanning Ben with giant leaves - not being an expert in leaves, I’m not sure which kind of leaves they were, but I can tell you that they were green - and offering him grapes. Meanwhile, Ben was still talking to the cameraman…

“And this is Holly, my Royal Corgi.” Ben said, gesturing to the little dog, covering in a throne of her own, dressed in a red velvet cape with a golden bone in front of her.

Suddenly Ben snapped his fingers. “Water!” he shouted to his minions.

One of them came scuttling up to Ben with a notepad in the shape of his head and a pen with ‘I © Ben’ on the side.

“What temperature would please your highness?”

Ben thought for a minute. “26.3548536343686354350854°C. Don’t dawdle.”

“Yes your highness!” The minion said and scurried off.

Ben looked at the cameraman. “Are you still here?”

Okay, number 1 – Holly is not a Corgi. I don’t know what Ben’s been taking, but she doesn’t look remotely like a Corgi, and she definitely didn’t have a throne when I was around. But then again, neither did Ben. But the thing that struck me the most were the pictures of a1 on the wall. The deformed pictures of a1. Someone – I’d like to hazard a guess that it was Ben – had cut around mine, Mark and Christian’s heads and replaced them with Ben heads. Four Bens – words escape me. I found myself wondering what Mark thought about the pictures, but when the cameraman left Ben’s dressing room (very quickly, he couldn’t have got out of there faster if he’d been running) and I saw what Mark was wearing, I stopped wondering.

“That guy is crazy!” the cameraman exclaimed.

Mark grinned. “He’s my friend.” He said, looking with pride at the ‘I Know Ben’ t-shirt he’d put on.

“That’s an interesting look, Christian.” The cameraman commented, training the camera on the bright orange plastic poncho Christian was wearing.

Christian looked down to remind himself. “I put it on myself.” He declared proudly.

“That’s, er, great.” The cameraman said.

“Christian!” Mark exclaimed in embarrassment, elbowing him hard. “Why are you wearing that?”

Christian looked at Mark slowly. “It’s fancy dress.” He said.

Mark shot him a ‘you are the stupidest person I’ve ever known’ look, before turning back to the camera and shrugging. “He’s Norwegian.” He said knowingly.

I was trying not to dwell on the issue of Mark’s t-shirt too much. It was reassuring to know Christian hadn’t changed. Then Busted accidentally joined in. They just didn’t know what they were letting themselves in for, poor naïve “pop stars”. Ah well, never liked them much anyway.

The cameraman let out a sigh of relief as Matt, James and Charlie approached.

“Hey, guys, will you do a quick link for CD:UK?” he asked.

Busted readily agreed and lined up in front of the camera.

“Hi, we’re Busted! Catch us on CD:UK later where we’ll be performing our br-”

They were interrupted by Ben’s dressing room being flung open by someone in a Ben t-shirt.

“Mind out! Clear the way!” he called, stepping aside as Ben appeared.

Setting eyes on a bemused Busted, Ben exclaimed, “Fans! How delightful!” He clapped his hands together. “I suppose you’ll be wanting autographs.”

Busted looked at each other, confused.

“Mark!” Ben called. “Come and sign some autographs for me!”

Mark hurried up, ready with pen and homemade Ben paper. “Yes Ben, anything for you!” He gushed, signing Ben’s name on three pieces of paper and handing them to a reluctant Busted.

“Actually, we’re Busted; we’re performing later.” Charlie said in his trademark posh accent.

Ben gasped and the corridor fell silent.

“What did you say?”

“Er, we’re Busted, we’re a band…”

“Are you mocking me?”

Charlie looked in confusion at James. “Er, no.”

“You did it again!” Ben exclaimed.

“What are you talking about?” Charlie asked.

“Stop it! Stop mocking my voice! No-one mocks me!”

“Who the hell are you?!” Charlie exclaimed.

“I won’t stand for this! Take him away!” Ben said, clicking his fingers.

Two men appeared and grabbed Charlie’s arms, dragging him off down the corridor, kicking and screaming as Matt and James looked on in shock, before running after him, calling his name.

“The audacity of some people.” Ben said indignantly.

“Erm, Ben, you’re needed for Postbag.” One of his “staff” said timidly.

“Excellent. I do enjoy getting post. Onwards!” He exclaimed, pointing down the corridor.

Immediately, two people started to roll a red carpet in front of Ben for him to walk on, brushing it as he sauntered down it, towards the studio.

By this time I was inches from the television screen – this was better than Eastenders, and much more disturbing! I was beginning to suspect that Ben had developed some sort of king complex, mixed in with a strange obsessive infatuation for Gareth Gates. That seemed to be the general gist of what was happening. Honestly, I leave him alone for five minutes! Mark and Christian appeared to completely under his “spell” and Ben’s behaviour was getting worse by the second, as was evident from the next incident.

“And now it’s time for the Postbag!” Dec said, and the postbag music started up.

Ant, Cat, Dec and the other guests on the show all jumped up and started to do the Postbag dance. When they’d finished, the presenters sat down and got out the first letter to read.

“My first letter is from-”

Cat was cut off by Ben striding onto the screen, the silver staff in his hand the latest addition to his grand attire.

“Ah! My post! Excellent!” He said, going over to the sofa and spotting the pile of letters closest to Dec.

They watched on in a mixture of fear and amazement.

“Erm, Ben, you’ve missed the dance I’m afraid.” Cat said.

“These are mine, I believe.” He said, ignoring her, and picking up the pile of letters. “Slightly disappointing pile today, actually.” He muttered as he walked off screen.

“Right, erm… we have some emails!” Dec said, producing some pieces of paper.

Ben came running back on. “Mine too!” he exclaimed, grabbing them out of Dec’s hand and running off again.

The three presenters sat the staring after Ben, who’d just stolen all their material for that section.

“Right! Let’s, um, go to a break!”

I was really beginning to enjoy all this now! I was even contemplating bringing in the popcorn, but I didn’t quite feel up to moving just yet. This was compulsive viewing! I almost wish I was recording it, but I doubt I’ll forget it, anyway. Hmmm, I wondered if his head might explode if it got any bigger than it was now… if I was a betting man, that would definitely be worth a flutter. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed SM:TV this much, even this stupid ‘Challenge Ant’ thing that’s on at the minute isn’t as irritating as it usually is, I was just waiting for what stunt Ben was gonna pull next.

The quiz was going in the favour of Ant, and when it came down to the Killer Question, Ant replied with the correct answer, and stood up to receive his cloak and crown… but there seemed to be slight confusion in the crew over the crown’s whereabouts.

And then lo and behold, on walked Ben - coincidentally, he seemed to have added a crown, which looked suspiciously like the one Ant was supposed to be wearing, to his outfit.

Dec was laughing nervously. “Oh look at that- it’s Ben from a1! Isn’t he a practical joker? He’s stolen your crown, Ant!”

Ben looked at him. “I think you’ll find there’s only one person in this building who’s deserving of this crown and that’s me!” And then he flounced off again, banging his staff on the ground as he went, the cloak billowing behind him.

Ant and Dec (and the little 9 year old kid who was challenging Ant) tried to laugh it off as a minor incident, but you could just see the fear in their eyes.

SM:TV then went to another break (they seemed to be having an awful lot of them) and I was about to get up and go to the toilet, when there was a sudden blinding flash of light in the corner of the room, and Ben’s evil ex-girlfriend Carolynne Good appeared, dressed all in black from head to toe, her long coat floating behind her in the non-existent wind, with a wicked smile on her face, which was plastered in too much make-up and framed by unnecessarily huge silver hoop earrings.

Great, just what I need with a hangover. The satanic ex.

“Carolynne, so nice to see you.” I said.

There was nothing that could surprise me any more after the morning’s events so far.

“Well I was going to try and seduce you into helping me, but I know there’s no point trying anything with you when you’re hung-over.” She said.

“I’m not hung-over!” I said, looking down at the beer in my hand and yesterday’s clothes. “How did you know?”

Carolynne flicked her long black hair. “I know everything.” She said, throwing back her head and cackling.

“Yeah, coz you’re a witch.”

“Ooh, harsh words from the little man.”

“Okay, what do you want?”

“I need your help.”

Oh, she wants my help, does she?

“Hmmm, now, do I want to help you, I wonder? Ummmmm… not today I don’t think. But maybe come back tomorrow!” I said, smiling a fake smile at her.

“Listen up, Speedy Gonzales.” Carolynne said without a smile. “Ben’s trying to take over the world and I need you to help me stop him.”

“Is your name a contradiction?”

Winding her up is almost as fun as winding Ben up.

Carolynne just frowned, not understanding.

“Okay, let me break it down for you.” I said with a sigh. “Your surname is Good, you’re bad.”

Carolynne still looked blank.

“Please don’t tell me I need to explain contradiction to you.”

“I don’t have time for your stupid little games.” She said, expertly covering the fact that she had almost as little brain as Ben did. “Anyway, I don’t want Ben to take over the world because… well, that’s my job.”

“And you need my help why?”

“Because I need a minion to do my dirty work for me! I have nails to consider!” Carolynne said tactlessly.

“Well that’s the way to win me over! Count me in!” I said with mock-enthusiasm.

“Don’t you realise what it would be like if Ben took over the world, you boyband reject?!”

I took a moment to consider this…

I see billboards with Ben’s head on them, Channel Ben the only TV channel permitted, Ben in every advert, Ben on every radio station, Ben on the front page of every newspaper, Ben the father of everyone’s children, the spawn of Ben everywhere, and worst of all… he’s at number one every week!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

“Well?” Carolynne demanded, hand on her hip, evil pout.

I took another moment to consider this.

I looked at the beer in my hand, TV remote within easy reach, days on end with nothing planned but drinking and sleeping.

“As tempting the offer of being your sidekick is…” I paused for dramatic effect. “I’m gonna have to say no this time.”

“But whyyyy?” Carolynne whined.

Her and Ben are so alike.

“You know, I really can’t be bothered.” I said. “And plus, I’m having too much fun watching Ben on SM:TV. Sabrina’s on in a minute!”

“But- But I’ve been on Fame Academy!” The banshee wailed.

I raised my eyebrows at her. “Fiiiiiiiiiix.” I sang.

“Fine! If you won’t help me, I’ll find someone who will! Someone better!”

“Mind the step on your way out.” I said. “I’d hate for you to break one of your precious nails.”

“I’ll go and face Ben on my own, then! I don’t need you!”

“Don’t forget to set your video for After They Were Famous next week – I hear you’re going to be on it.” I said, laughing to myself as she made a noise like an irritated ferret and disappeared in much the same way as she’d appeared.

Honestly, no originality.

Meanwhile, it was all happening on the TV! Carolynne had made me miss a whole chunk of it with her tedious need to beat Ben. I wonder if you put them in a room together who would kill who first. It would be pretty close. I don’t even know if they’d fit in the room at the same time, coz their heads are so big. But enough of couple of the year 1999, back to the more pressing issue of how much of an idiot Ben was making of himself on this live TV show. At the minute, Cat was preparing the impossible task of actually trying to interview the three of them. It was going to be complete chaos. Ohhh goody!

“But have they moved out of Buckingham Palace, yet?” Ben was saying into his phone. “Because I’m the king now- they really shouldn’t be there.”

He had refused to sit on the “cheap” sofa, and his minions were currently setting up his throne alongside it so he could join in with the interview.

“Have they got my transport ready for when I finish the show?” Ben was asking one of his minions.

“Yes, the Royal Elephant is waiting outside for you,” he replied, and Ben clapped his hands together.

“Marvellous!”

Mark and Christian were sat on the sofa with Cat; Mark fidgeting in his seat.

“You alright, Mark?” Cat asked him.

Mark put his hand up. “Can I change places with Christian, please?”

Cat blinked at him. “Why?”

“Because otherwise my T-shirt won’t make sense!” Mark explained, looking down at the “I’m With Stupid ->’ slogan and expressing distress at how it pointed to Ben.

“Looks fine to me,” said Cat.

Mark looked like he was about to cry. “Noooo, I don’t mean it to point to Ben!” He cried, upset. “Please don’t tell him! He won’t…” He paused dramatically, “… he won’t love me anymore.”

Cat rolled her eyes. “Fine. Christian, is it okay if Mark swaps places with you?”

Christian looked at her blankly.

“He says yes!” Mark said, getting up and pushing Christian along so the T-shirt now made sense.

“Have you seen my guitar?” Christian asked Cat who didn’t realise this wasn’t a question that needed an answer.

“I don’t know,” she said, “what does it look like?”

Christian looked at her blankly.

“It’s probably best you don’t talk to him,” Mark said to her, and then said softly, “He can’t hear you anyway.”

Christian swung his head round very slowly to look at Mark, emulating a ventriloquist’s dummy, and said, “I can.”

Mark let out a muffled yelp and moved further away from Christian, who turned away as if nothing had happened.

I was feeling really sorry for Cat. She didn’t have a clue what was going on. By this time I knew that Ben was trying to take over the world, but doing it by being dressed as Gareth Gates didn’t seem the most effective course of action Ben could have taken. But then again, it was Ben; he didn’t have the biggest mental ability in the universe. I was looking forward to what he was going to say in the interview. If he was ever ready…

“I’m ready!” Ben declared, from his throne that he was now perched on. He was now fully clad in crown, cloak, white suit, snakeskin boots with his staff at his side. And of course, those sunglasses. Always the sunglasses.

Cat opened her mouth to speak, when Ben silenced her. “Ah ah- trumpets please!”

On cue, a fanfare sounded and Ben gave his customary smug grin. “That’s better,” he said, settling. “Ready.”

Cat looked at who she was with, and wondered if Mark and Christian had any idea how badly Ben had lost it.

Trying to remember why she did this job in the first place, she asked her first question. “So tell me about the new single…s,” she said, emphasizing the ‘s’.

Mark shot his hand up, but Ben launched in. “Well- I wrote Like A Rose when I was 16. Only 16. Maybe it was 15… no, 12, make that 12! I wrote Like A Rose when I was 12 years old. Of course, then I went on to win Pop Idol, and-”

Cat stopped him by holding up her hand. “Erm, sorry?” She said, confused.

“When I won Pop Idol,” Ben stated, as if she was really thick.

Cat looked over at Mark and Christian- she was beginning to wonder if it was her that was crazy. Mark still had his hand up.

“Would you like to say something, Mark?” She asked.

Mark looked for approval from Ben, who shook his head at him sternly. Mark looked back at Cat. “No,” he said, and put his hand down.

“Anyway, back to me,” Ben spoke up, clapping. “Then I overcame my stammer, and went onto have 4 No.1’s. it was suuuuch a good time for me, well it is anyway, and then I’m going to be releasing my new single, Sunshine, in September and I’m sure, it’ll be a classic,” he added, confidently.

“Er- isn’t that Gareth Gates?” Cat said.

“Yes,” said Ben. “That’s right.”

“Erm, I’m sorry, but what about a1?” Cat asked.

Ben looked at her impassively. “Huh?”

“a…1,” Cat said slowly, “You know… Mark and Christian…” She referred to the two sat on the sofa.

Ben looked at them dismissively. “Ohhh,” he said, as if suddenly remembering. “Ohhh, that band.”

“Yes… that band…” Cat said, rather uncertainly.

“Well, obviously I’m the main talent in the band, I wrote all the songs, and I do play all the instruments,” Ben explained.

“Er, Mark, don’t you play the keyboard?” She asked him.

Mark looked over at Ben again, who shook his head. “No,” said Mark.

Cat frowned. “Well, erm, Christian- don’t you play guitar on Caught In The Middle?”

Christian’s head jerked up at the mention if guitars, and he looked at Cat and asked, “Where’s my guitar?”

Mark groaned loudly.

“But I must say,” Ben said, bringing the conversation back to him. “That I found I really have a talent for the tambourine.”

Now that was the last straw. I’d been watching the interview completely gobsmacked the whole way through, but I wasn’t going to stand for that. Ben could take the credit for everything a1 had ever done for all that I cared, but he could not – could NOT – claim ownership on the tambourine. The tambourine was my instrument, not that demented Gareth wannabe’s and I wasn’t going to let Ben take away the only thing I ever did well when I was in that band. Something had to be done, and I was going to do it.

I knew there was only one way to stop Ben fulfilling his evil dreams to take over the world so I could save the day at the last minute, and for that I needed a change of clothes.

I leapt up on the sofa, jumping 12 times, before throwing myself daringly backwards and performing 5 perfect somersaults in mid-air and then landing on my feet, dressed in my trusty… derderderderderderderderderderderderderderderder BATMAN!!!- outfit.

Batman had a sidekick as superheros often do, and I was not without mine, so I whistled for my reliable companion, Elf Paul.

I waited, and waited, and waited.

Eventually I got bored, and went to find him myself.

I finally tracked him down chewing through the wooden leg of my bed. His teeth could slice through a metal bar the size of a house, and I’ve been to hospital 8 times because of that little terror. They’ve already had to sew my hand back on twice. And don’t get me started on the crayons.

“Elf Paul! We’re going to save the world from Ben!”

Elf Paul took no notice of me, so I had to go fetch the gardening gloves to remove him from my bed, and put his lead on. Gardening gloves are essential when dealing with elves.

Eventually we made it out to the Batman Bike that was waiting for us outside. I hoped I had enough petrol. I needed to be quick if I was going to save the world from Ben.

We sped through the streets of London – faster than anyone else – seeking out our destination; the SM:TV studios.

Little did I know, whilst Elf Paul and I were out on the road, Ben was putting his final phase of his evil plan into action on live TV.

The interview – which had been supposed to last 5 minutes – had now been going on for some considerable time, the whole audience having heard all about Ben’s growing up, his first toy, his first day at school, the time he won the swimming competition before they’d even said go, the day he invented the light bulb, saved world famine, his breakthrough research into hair straighteners; not to mention his experiences climbing Mount Everest and his death defying escape from the Titanic.

“I was awarded a medal for bravery for saving Rose’s life,” Ben remembered fondly. “We’re still in contact, even now. Obviously I’m not gonna marry someone as low as her, but it’s nice to keep in touch with how the other, more unfortunate side live.”

Mark had been listening intently and hanging on every word Ben said, even breaking into spontaneous clapping every now and again. Christian had dozed off a while ago, whilst Cat just sat there, her head slumped into her hand, looking as bored as someone at a Westlife gig.

She didn’t even seem to realise Ben had stopped talking.

“Next question!” He chirped, waiting.

Cat slowly sat up. “Actually, I’m think I’m gonna make some tea,” she said, getting up. “Would anyone like some?”

Mark put his hand up, but then looked over at Ben who was shaking his head at him, and he put his hand down again. “No,” he said.

When Cat had left the studio, Ben unexpectedly let out an evil laugh, one to rival Carolynne’s.

Standing up, he walked towards the camera until his head filled the screen. He didn’t have to walk very far.

“People of the world!” He declared. “Listen to me for I am your king!” And his eyes turned an especially hypnotic shade of green. “You will all listen to me, and obey my every command. I am your master. You serve me and you will worship me, for I am Ben, and I am the best! Together, me and Gareth will rule the world, and there’s nothing you can do to stop us! Mwhahahhahaha!” He let out a loud, wicked cackle that echoed all around the walls, and just as the people were beginning to succumb to Ben’s evil plans, there was a loud bang from behind Ben, and he turned around to see what it was.

Amongst a cloud of smoke stood Paul, dressed from head-to-toe in Batman gear, with Elf Paul swinging on his cape.

I was standing there, feeling very much like a superhero with the help of the SM:TV smoke machine. I had my eyes set on Ben (in the flesh it was much more frightening!), but as soon as Elf Paul saw Mark, he let go of my cape and ran over to him, bearing his teeth.

The two of them had always had a mutual hatred for each other, due to Mark’s desire to be my sidekick and Elf Paul’s loathing of extremely tall people. All the times they’d met before I’d managed to hold Elf Paul back, but now with my attention fixed on Ben, this looked like it was going to be the final showdown.

Mark jumped up in alarm when he saw the ball of teeth and claws charging at him and he stuck out his hand, clutching at his toy lasers on his wrists and holding Elf Paul’s vicious stare as the small Elf stood a metre in front of him.

“Don’t come any closer!” Mark warned him. “Or I’ll zap you with my lasers!”

Elf Paul growled at him.

Mark edged backwards and began talking into his “intercom”. “Mark Lightyear to Space Command- engage lasers- now!”

Mark pressed his button and aiming it at Elf Paul, a red light flickered harmlessly at him.

Elf Paul looked at him for a second, before letting out a war-cry and launching himself at Mark’s leg, sinking his teeth in and Mark screamed in agony.

Meanwhile I was tackling the bigger issue of stopping Ben from taking over the world. All things considered, I realised that the route of Ben’s evil lay in those sunglasses he’d obtained from Gareth Gates. They had somehow managed to turn Ben into Gareth himself and made him want to conquer the world. I knew what I had to do.

I ran at him as fast as I could, launching myself onto his back, hanging on to him as he span round. This caused me to lose my balance, and I grabbed onto his head.

“Mind the hair!” Ben shrieked in horror.

Finding a weakness I pulled harder and managed to distract Ben enough to grab the sunglasses off his face and throw them to the floor.

There was a sudden flash of light, and I was thrown off onto the ground. When I regained my senses, I looked up to see Ben had reverted back to his former self- with his curtains, baggy trousers and long sleeved white tops, and undeniable chunkiness. He looked around him, his face suddenly more innocent than before.

“What’s going on?” He asked dazedly.

“I just saved the day at the last minute!” I said from the floor.

“Oh,” said Ben. Then he looked again at me. “What are you doing in your batman outfit? What are you doing here? Didn’t you leave?”

“It’s a long story,” I told him. “If you want to know it, you can read all about it on that a1 fan fiction website. I bet it’ll have been written by Clo and Kate- they’re not sane, those two. And it won’t be very good of course- they have no imagination!”

I then looked over and saw that Elf Paul was about to bite clean through Mark’s leg, and I wasn’t going to stand for that.

“Elf Paul!” I called, clicking my fingers. “Heel!”

He came straight away. He’s a good elf, really. I promised him I’d buy him something new for his box later.

Mark came limping up to me. “Thanks Paul,” he said. “And thanks for saving the world. I knew what Ben was up to all along, but I was too nice to say anything to him.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “It’s all over now.”

Suddenly, there was another flash of light and Carolynne appeared.

Ben jumped backwards by about a metre. “Oh my God!” He shouted, putting his hands to his face in horror.

“Ben, we meet at last,” Carolynne said. “I won’t let you take over the world! I was always the brains behind our relationship and you know it!”

“I hate to bring you up on technicalities, and in fact, I loath talking to you full stop, but I feel I must point out that you have actually met Ben before, namely during your 3-year relationship.” I said. “Just a little thing. Anyway, you’re a bit late to save the day now,” I added. “I’m afraid I’ve already done it.”

“Whaaaat?!” She cried in disbelief. “You can’t have!”

“I’m afraid I have. And now I expect you’ll be leaving.”

“What?”

I knew the only way to defeat Carolynne was to lock her in a room with Blazin’ Squad. I reached over and opened the conveniently placed door marked ‘Blazin’ Squad’s dressing room’ and pushed Carolynne inside, locking the door behind her. That would keep her busy for a while.

“There you go!” Ben grinned happily. “Excellent! Fantastic!”

Mark wasn’t really following what was going on. “Didn’t you used to go out with her?” He asked Ben.

Ben, not wanting to harm his credibility, cried, “Did I? No! Anyway!…”

Ant, Dec and Cat came rushing back onto the floor, beaming from ear to ear.

“Paul you’ve done it!” Cried Dec.

“Well done my man!” Said Ant.

“Paul- my hero!” Cat exclaimed, throwing her arms around me and I have to say, it was rather nice!

“Will you perform your new single on CD:UK?” She asked me, and feeling immensely proud I replied,

“Of course I can babe! Anything for you.”

“Brilliant! What’s it called?” Ant asked.

I smiled. “If I Could Be-” I stopped. Oops, couldn’t say that! “I mean, er, If I Could Be… a little bit taller.” I grinned proudly.

“Gr-eat!” Uttered Dec. “Then let’s go!”

“Shhhh!” Mark suddenly said, putting a finger to his lips and gesturing over to the sofa. “Don’t wake Christian, he’s had a big day.”

They all looked over to where the Norwegian was sleeping peacefully, his thumb in his mouth, and they were sure that one day, he would find that beloved guitar. They crept away quietly and as the last person left the room, Christian’s eyes flickered open.

“Where’s my guitar?!” He said, sitting up, rubbing his eyes. He looked around him to see that he was all alone, everyone else had gone. Where have they gone? He thought to himself. And- why did they leave me? And why… doesn’t grass grow on clouds?

As he stood up, his eyes rested on a shiny object lying on the floor. It was a pair of sunglasses; seemingly discarded, as if no longer needed.

They were nice sunglasses, Christian thought. And shiiiiiiny.

Picking them up, he looked at his reflection in the dark lenses, before turning them round and putting them over his eyes…

THE END