Chapter 61

“Then she grabbed my hair,” Ben continued his story, pausing for dramatic effect, “she actually got hold of my hair and tugged it.”

“Disaster!” Paul retorted sarcastically.

Ben chose to ignore him, it was pretty easy to ignore whoever was sat in the back of the prev, they were more or less tucked out of the way.

“They’re just bonkers in Japan though, I really thought I was going to die.”

“Lets not be too over dramatic” the voice from the back piped up.

Ben tossed a pringle over his shoulder and smiled with satisfaction as it landed neatly on Paul’s head.

“You three are being very quiet,” he observed, turning his attention to the other occupants of the car.

Mel glanced quickly at Christian and Mark, who were sat either side of her. They were both staring straight ahead, eyes fixed on the road.

“Guess I’m overwhelmed” Mel spoke up, “is quite amazing going on my first proper promo trip”

“You’re going to love it,” Ben started up again, “Summer road shows are the best”

Satisfied that Ben was probably just going to continue talking to himself for the next half an hour, Mel focused all of her attentions on fiddling with the clasp on her watch again. She had been doing this for the entire car journey, and so far she had got away without having to speak a word to anyone. She had never been in such an awkward situation, wedged in between the boyfriend she wasn’t speaking to, and his best friend who claimed he loved her, wasn’t the ideal situation.

She had half expected things to be normal between her and Christian when she had got up that morning, but if anything things were worse, he hadn’t spoken a word to her and she had said little more to him. At the moment she was content with telling herself that things would be alright, as he had still let her come on the a1 excursion, and she was carrying his baby after all.

“We’re here” Ben suddenly announced, pulling his sunglasses over his eyes, and switching on his, Ben Adams popstar smile.

The door to the prev swung open and he stepped out to mass screams, he was soon followed by Paul, who had somehow managed to climb over the seats and was now heading down to the barriers to stand alongside Ben. Christian opened the door on the other side and was out before Mel had even had the chance to undo her seatbelt, he too headed towards the throng of fans, forcing a smile onto his face. Mel struggled at her seatbelt, shifting her body sideways slightly so as not to touch Mark, and bring her presence to his attention in anyway whatsoever. The plan backfired slightly, when he reached out to undo his belt the same time as her and their hands immediately collided together. Mel felt her heart thump right up into her throat, she ignored it and quickly shot her hand away, tugging at the belt as she did and jumping straight out of the car as soon as it had undone.

As she touched down onto the grass outside the car, she realised that for the first time in ages she was all alone. All of a1 were now signing and posing for photos, chatting happily to their fans. They were only a few feet away, but to Mel it felt like she was trapped on a different planet. She looked at the happy fans with envy, they were high with excitement, every one of them chatting and squealing as they compared the squiggles on their posters. Only a few months ago Mel would have laughed at these cravens – but now she wanted nothing more than to hop over the fence and be one of them. For her life to be normal and simple.

She began to move across the grass to a1’s trailer, her head bobbed down, not wanting to draw attention to herself, it was a relief when she finally reached the comfort of the little caravan, and she quickly tugged the door behind her so as to block out the outside world.

She looked at her surroundings, it was hardly glam. Each artist had been given a small trailer with only a sofa, and table inside, life inside pop world wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. In the corner she noticed that a1’s outfits for their set later in the day were piled neatly on a chair, a little label hanging off each of them. Moving towards them she picked up the one marked “Christian” and held it to her nose, inhaling a deep breath. He obviously hadn’t worn it before as the familiar comforting smell didn’t reach out to her senses and instead she was left with a cold loneliness that shook her insides until she was trembling.

“You OK Mel?” Ben asked as he suddenly appeared through the door.

“Fine” she said, keeping her voice steady.

“You’ve gone really pale, sit down” he took her hand and gently guided her towards the sofa, helping her to sit down and then sitting right beside her.

“I’m fine,” she repeated

“You really should take it easy,” he said gently, “sometimes I’m sure you forget you’re pregnant.”

She smiled at him as he fetched her a glass of water and watched her as she sipped at it slowly.

“Better?”

“Much,” she put the glass down on the table and took a deep breath. Things were going to be fine, she just needed to think about her next plan of action, and then she could make everything better again.

“We have about half an hour,” Paul’s voice called out as footsteps thundered up the stairs.

Mel looked up, and was immediately met by Mark’s eyes piercing straight into her like an arrow. She looked back down again quickly, not liking the way that she suddenly felt so sick again. He walked right past her, and straight to the clothes.

She looked up again, this time seeing Christian, who looked straight through her like she didn’t even exist.

“Where’s the toilet?” she muttered as she stood up.

“Portaloo I’m afraid,” Ben said, looking at her with interest, “just across the field”

Mel nodded some kind of response and stumbled her way out of the door and quickly moved across the grass. She wasn’t walking in the direction of the toilets, and instead found herself heading towards the outskirts of the field, far away from the people that were making her life a misery. For some reason though, with every step she took, nothing felt better, although the air was free and clean in the wide open by herself, something was stopping her from taking it in, something, or someone was holding her back.

Coming to the very edge of the boundary she sat on the grass, her back towards the roadshow, and away from anything that was clogging her mind. Here she could let the tears flow freely, things had never been as bad as this before, she needed just a few moments to let go of some of the hurt, then she would pull herself together and go back and sort things out. All she needed was a little bit of time.

Reaching down she picked a few clumps of daisies, and began carefully piercing the stalks and threading them through one another, she sang as she worked, trying to ignore the fact that tears were still falling steadily down her face.

Just as she had picked the last daisy she felt a hand on her shoulder, she sat there for a few moments not daring to turn round, she couldn’t think of anyone that she would want to see right now, she just wanted to be alone.

Slowly she turned round and was met by a pair of concerned eyes.

“Are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” she replied shortly.

She struggled up to her feet, but Mark’s hands pushed her back down gently and he threw himself down on the grass next to her.

“You look awful,” he observed.

“Ta”

“You haven’t said a word to me all day,”

“What did you expect?”

He shrugged his shoulders.

“You haven’t spoken to me either”

“I was giving you space” he said, “but after you left I felt I had to check you were OK”

“You didn’t need to,” she said quickly, “I just want to be by myself”

“Things are bad?”

She opened her mouth to speak, but then quickly shut it again, the Mark in front of her was no longer her best friend, as much as she wanted to pour her heart out to him, she couldn’t.

“Things are fine,” she said firmly.

“That’s why you are out here crying? You had a fight with Christian?”

“NO!” She shouted, “things with Christian are perfect”

“What is it then?”

“It’s you, its all you, you’ve screwed my head up”

“So you’ve been thinking about things then?” he said with a slight smile.

“No,” she said firmly.

“Yes you have, admit it, you’re upset cos I’ve made you think about things, and you realise there’s some truth in it”

She quickly stood up again, this time succeeding, but having an enthusiastic Mark jump up beside her.

“So you’re just going to stalk me now?” she asked sarcastically, “keep on at me until I admit that I have some kind of feeling for you?”

“No”

“Good, cos you’ll be a long time waiting, I’ll always be with Christian.”

“Fine,” he said, “as I said before, what is meant to happen will happen, it’s just if you give in to it in enough time or if you live a lie for so long the moment passes you by.”

“Will you stop doing that!” she said in exasperation, “stop talking like you’re some kind of Doctor Love, you know nothing.”

“Fine,” he said, “I’ll leave you alone, but just answer me one question”

She tuned to look at him, part of her curious to know what he was going to say next.

“Tell me why he can’t say he loves you?”

She looked at him with an open mouth – this was getting creepier and creepier by the moment, it was almost like he knew everything.

“He can say it, and he does”

\

He gave her a small smile, “I love you.”

The moment the words were spoken her insides twisted into knots, only untangling when she looked away from him and took in a deep breath.

“I could stand here and say that to you all night,” he continued, “over and over again until you believe me.”

“Don’t bother”

“Why won’t you give this a chance?”

“I can’t”

“You can,” he insisted, moving closer towards her, “you say the word and you can give in right here, right now”

“I can’t,” she repeated.

“Melissa I love you,” he said, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist.

“Don’t do that,” she said quietly, but not making any kind of movement to get away from him.

“How does it feel?”

She shrugged her shoulders and looked down at the grass.

“It feels right doesn’t it?” he asked, “because to me this feels like the most perfect thing in the world”

“Stop pushing me” she replied cautiously, “you are putting words into my mouth”

“You’re not moving away though are you?”

He was right, she was making no attempt at all to get away from him, and that was because it really did feel lovely. For some reason she felt so safe in his arms, like he could protect her from the world and nothing could ever hurt her again.

She was looking right into his eyes now, they weren’t like Christians yet for some reason she couldn’t quite look away.

She closed her eyes tight shut, wanting to block him out completely, he was getting into her head, messing around with her thoughts and trying to ruin her future happiness with Christian – she couldn’t let him do this to her.

As she lost herself in the darkness she felt his lips. They were softly moving against hers, touching her with very light contact yet making her heart bang so loudly it seemed to be echoing around her head.

Beautiful colours were dancing around quickly in front of her eyes, moving faster and faster, all of them flooding towards a small point just beyond her reach. As they continued to kiss she felt a warm glow take over her body, almost as if she was standing with coloured lights pouring out from her and encircling them both.

He pulled away at regular intervals, leaning right into her ear and telling her how much he loved her. Why was it that he could tell her so easily and freely yet Christian could never bring himself to say the words, why was life so unfair? To have someone say they loved her was an amazing feeling, every time he said it, she just went back for more, wanting to be adored.

Just as she had begun to lose her head to dizziness he pulled away, “why won’t you let me love you?”

“I can’t” she insisted, “it doesn’t feel right”

She pushed her lips back onto his, kissing him forcefully, wanting to suck everything that he had right out of him and into her. He responded with equal enthusiasm, pushing her backwards until they came to a halt at a tree, still kissing as if their life depended on it.

“I love you like he could never love you,” he said breaking away for a second.

She ignored him and reached out for him again, running her lips over his face eagerly.

“You’re mine,” he said quietly.

She continued, not wanting to stop whatever it was that they had started. It all felt so different to anything she had ever had before, it was new and fresh, made her insides and outsides giddy at the same time, called out to every one of her senses and filled her with such a high she was scared she was about to lose herself completely.

Eventually he pulled away, and when she reached out for more he backed away from her.

“I know you feel it,” he said as he moved backwards, “I know that felt just as amazing to you as it did to me.”

She moved towards him.

“You can’t have anymore” he said firmly, “I won’t be with you again until the day you have left him of your own accord and you say that you love me”

He turned and ran quickly back to the caravan.

Mel’s mind was now only full of one thing.

She had to go and talk to Christian.