Chapter Three

His eyes were still focused firmly on mine, and as the words came out of his mouth I could feel each one stabbing into my soul like a knife.

"As you’ve probably all heard by now, Mr Griffith has unfortunately been ill over the summer, and won’t be coming back to school this year."

He was met with silence, but I could still feel my heart thumping so loudly in my chest that I was sure the rest of the class could hear it too.

"So I’m afraid you’re all stuck with me."

I sat for a moment in complete shock, trying to fully comprehend the situation. I could feel this queasiness rising from the pit of my stomach, and I swallowed hard, trying to push the feeling back down again before I threw up.

This could not be happening to me. No, no, no! Sure, Ben look older – but not that old. Not a teacher! Of all the cruel tricks God could play on me, for him to let me meet this amazing guy, to experience the feeling of love at first sight, and then to snatch it away from me so cruelly. What had I done to deserve this?

I could see him looking at me, his bright blue eyes burning deep into my heart. And I knew at that moment that he did feel the same as I did. The attraction, the electricity…and the pain. Because we both knew we were doomed. There was no way on this earth the two of us could ever be together.

He was still talking, and I imagined that at any other time his voice would send shivers down my spine…but right now, with each word that tumbled out of his mouth, another little piece of me died inside.

"As we’re going to be spending a lot more time together I thought we’d start by getting to know each other a bit first."

It took me a moment to register that he was actually talking to the whole class, and not just me, as his eyes still hadn’t moved from mine. It was as though we were the only two people in the room, and I felt sure everyone else in the class must be able to see what was going on between us.

He shook his gaze away from me, suddenly becoming aware there were other people in the room.

"My name is Ben Adams, I’m 22. This is my first ever teaching job – so I’m hoping you’ll all go easy on me! I want this year to be fun, and I’m sure it will be, but that doesn’t mean that you can slack off. It wasn’t that long ago that I was at school myself, so I know all the tricks…"

Considering this was his first teaching job, he seemed pretty confident. How could he be up there acting like this was the most natural thing in the world, when inside my heart was breaking?

"I decided to teach performing arts because that’s what I love, it’s what gives me a buzz. Music is my main passion, I play the piano in my spare time, and also like to sing. Er…what else do you want to know about me?"

"Have you got a girlfriend, sir?" I should’ve known Vicki Pye would ask that question.

He looked a bit embarrassed as he threw a quick glance in my direction, before answering.

"No, I haven’t. And please, I’d prefer you all to call me Ben, not sir."

Vicki giggled and whispered something to the girl next to her. Oh great, that was all I needed. Not only was Ben my teacher, but he was the kind of teacher that every girl in the school was going to have a crush on. Where would that leave me?

"I guess you lot have been at school together for the past few years, and know each other pretty well. But I know absolutely nothing about you. So, I want each and every one of you to tell me a bit about yourself. Your name, your interests, and why you decided to take performing arts. Who wants to go first?"

I could feel butterflies in my stomach now. I hated getting up in class and speaking in front of people anyway, but this was ten times worse. This was in front of Ben! I’d make a fool of myself, I wouldn’t be able to find my voice! Why did I ever let Chris talk me into taking performing arts? I wouldn’t be in this mess now if I’d taken no notice of him.

Chris had already jumped up out of his seat. He was always the first to volunteer for things like this, while I tried my best to shrink back into my seat, hoping that everyone else in the class would forget I existed.

"My name’s Chris. I’m 16, I’ve got a twin sister called Ali. I’m taking performing arts because, well, I’m pretty damn good at it!"

There were a few giggles, and Vicki rolled her eyes at him. "Oh, purlease!"

Chris laughed. "I expect you’ll be wanting to know if I have a girlfriend too…"

She snorted. "Why would I care about your love life?"

"C’mon, that’s not what you said the other night, baby!"

"You wish!" She was fighting back, but I could see her face turning red. The last thing she’d want is rumours about her and Chris flying around the school, she thought she was so much cooler than him.

"Hey, can you leave the details of last Saturday night for your spare time please?" Ben laughed.

So one by one each member of the class introduced themselves, and before I knew it I was the only one left who hadn’t. I could feel all eyes looking at me, and I knew I couldn’t hide any longer.

I looked around the room, trying desperately to avoid Ben’s gaze. But he was looking straight at me…waiting…and I knew he wanted to hear what I had to say for myself.

Chris squeezed my hand gently. "You can do this, hun," he whispered. "Just imagine that everyone in the class is naked, you’ll be fine."

No, no, no, that was the last thing I wanted to be thinking! I’d already had way too many rude thoughts about my new teacher. Why’d Chris have to go and make things ten times worse for me?

Reluctantly I stood up, taking a deep breath.

"I…er…my name’s Sophie. I’m 17…" I lowered my eyes to the floor, painfully aware of how young I was compared to Ben. "I decided to take performing arts because…well, I wasn’t really sure what else to do. I love to write, and I just thought it would help to understand the performance side of things too."

"What kind of writing do you do?"

That had taken me aback. He hadn’t asked anyone else questions.

"I…er…just stuff, you know." I sat down quickly.

I felt so embarrassed. My writing was something private, not the kind of thing I wanted to share with the whole class, and especially not with Ben right now.

He must have been able to tell, because he didn’t push it any further.

I don’t quite know how I made it through the rest of that class. I couldn’t focus. My mind had just gone numb, I couldn’t handle being in the same room as Ben. It was complete torture just sitting there, watching every move his body made, seeing him try to avoid my stare each time he looked around the room.

The hour seemed to drag on for an eternity, and when the bell finally rang signalling the end of class, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I could hear Chris calling after me to wait for him, but I had an uncontrollable urge for fresh air. I just needed to breathe. So I grabbed my bag and ran – out of the classroom, out of the sixth form building, and I didn’t stop until I reached the school gates.

As I stepped outside I had this overpowering feeling of relief, like stepping off school property was going to change it somehow, and I’d be free from these chains that were binding me.

Reaching into my pocket I pulled out the crumpled piece of paper I had been given first thing this morning and unfolded it. My timetable. I was supposed to be in Spanish class now. Great, my first day of sixth form and I was already cutting classes. I really didn’t think I could face all those people though. And mad Mr. Marazzi making us watch Spanish porn, claiming it was the best way to learn the language.

So I decided to sit there, on the path outside the school gates, and just watch the world go by. Watching the happy couples in the cars and wondering how come they were allowed a relationship, but I wasn’t.

I flipped open my bag and dug my hand in, rummaging around for my journal. I’d just laid my hand on it when I felt a shiver down my spine as a shadow fell over me. I whipped my head around at the speed of light, and found myself looking up at Ben’s face.

"I think we need to talk."

I squinted and raised my hand to my brow, trying to shield my eyes from the glare of the warm September sun. "How did you know where to find me?"

"I watched you from the window."

There was an awkward pause, as though he was expecting me to say something. But I didn’t, I just sat there in silence.

"Mind if I sit down?"

I shrugged. "Free country."

He sat himself down on the kerb next to me, and I could feel my heartbeat gradually increasing as the warmth from his body reached mine. Our skin wasn’t touching, but I could feel a kind of magnetic force between us. One slight move, and we could find ourselves in each other’s arms.

We didn’t look at one another. He was kicking a small pebble around at the side of the road with his foot, while I fiddled with a stray bit of cotton on the strap of my bag.

"Listen, about before…"

"It doesn’t matter." My voice was barely a croak.

"It does matter…I didn’t realise…I mean, I just assumed you were a teacher!"

I laughed softly. "I’ll take that as a compliment."

"You should."

I felt his hand on the side of my face as he turned it round to look at him. Our eyes met, and suddenly nothing else in the world mattered. I wanted to stay like this forever.

"But I’m not a teacher," I whispered.

"I know," he said sadly, lowering his eyes and breaking the spell. He looked so vulnerable, I just wanted to take him in my arms and tell him everything would be alright.

Instead I placed a hand gently on his knee. "Look, you really don’t need to spell it out for me. Nothing can ever happen between us. End of story."

He opened his mouth to say something, then changed his mind, closing it again.

I sighed. "It was a misunderstanding, an easy mistake to make. It would be easier for the both of us if we pretend it never happened, okay?"

The words were out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think about what I was saying. Inside I was screaming, "what am I saying? This is not what I want!" But my body wasn’t listening, and before I knew it I’d dropped Ben’s hand, and was standing up, towering over him.

He nodded reluctantly. "I suppose that would be best. If that’s the way you want it."

"It is." I was trying desperately to hold back the tears now. Inside my heart was breaking, but I knew there was no other way out, so I had to try to be strong. "I guess I’ll see you in class then."

And with that I turned on my heel and left.