Hi guys! Just wanted to say a huge thank you to every one who’s read and reviewed this – I really am grateful! Sorry about this chapter, I’m not very happy with it at all but at the moment I’m way too tired to even try to sort it out, so it’s just going to have to do as it is. Feel free to give it bad reviews!
Sx
Chapter Four
And that was pretty much how it was from then on. The only relationship we had was strictly on a teacher and pupil basis.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation we’d had the first day of term though. It had been me who suggested we forget about what happened between us that morning. What if I hadn’t said it? Would things have been different? Would anything have developed between us? No matter how hard I tried to push these questions to the back of my mind, I just didn’t seem to be able to get rid of them.
Who was I trying to kid though? There was absolutely no way anything could happen between me and Ben. Ever. Full stop.
It was all so unfair! I was 17-years-old for Christ’s sake! We were both adults, so what we did with our lives, and who we wanted to see outside of school hours was nobody else’s business. It wasn’t as if he was that much older than me anyway. I could make up my own mind about him.
I knew the school wouldn’t see it that way though. It was against the rules, simple as that. And I could see why. I mean, they couldn’t have some forty-year-old pervert teacher trying it on with a 14-year-old, could they? There has to be the same rule for everyone. If I thought about it rationally, it all made sense.
But rationality doesn’t even come into the equation when you’re talking about feelings like the ones I had. There was no way I could avoid Ben – I had five hours of performing arts lessons a week. Five hours of Ben, not counting all those times we’d bump into each other in the corridors around school, and under any other circumstances I would have cherished the opportunity to spend time with him.
But the way things were right now, I dreaded the two of us even being in the same room. Because the more time I spent with him, the more I wanted to be with him – in the proper sense of being with somebody. It got to the point where I didn’t know if I was really in love with him, or if I just wanted him because I knew I couldn’t have him.
I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was that made me feel so strongly about him. It was a whole lot of little things which all added up to make one very big attraction. He was funny, he was cute, he always listened to what everyone had to say in lesson, no matter how stupid it was. And he had this way of looking at me, like we were the only people in a crowded classroom…I knew I should be trying to forget about him, finding someone my own age, someone more attainable. But getting him out of my thoughts was not something I could see happening in the near future.
Sure, things may have been strictly professional on the surface, but we both knew that the underlying attraction was still there. We couldn’t escape those lingering looks in class, or that awkwardness when other people were around. In any other class it would have been easier to avoid. But performing arts was pretty full on.
The thing about Ben was, he was a great teacher. Really into the practical side of things. He’d always have the class doing role-plays, and improvisations, and I knew I couldn’t get away with hiding in the corner anymore.
It didn’t help that we were a small class either. There was only nine of us – four from my year, and five from the upper sixth. That made working in pairs practically impossible, and right from the start the class got used to Ben stepping in to make up a pair when we were doing any kind of group work. Normally being paired up with a teacher was a fate worse than being left on your own at the school disco, while everyone else smooched to the slow songs. But everybody thought Ben was great, just a week into the first term kids were already saying that he was the best teacher they’d ever had. He wasn’t like a normal teacher, and working with him was far from uncool – in fact, everyone in class was desperate to be paired up with Ben (especially Vicki Pye, who in the past few weeks I’d grown to despise even more than usual).
Everyone apart from me that was. Well, how could I? How could I just stand there and pretend with him? Pretend that I had no feelings for him, pretend that I didn’t know he had feelings for me…
Not that I knew for sure. Not 100%. I mean, he hadn’t actually come out and said so much, had he?
Maybe some things you don’t need to say out loud though. You just know, from the way that someone makes you feel, from the way they react towards you…he didn’t need to tell me how he felt, I could read it in his eyes.
And I knew if we carried on the way we were, it wouldn’t be long before other people could see it too. Which is why I made my decision. I thought long and hard about the situation, until eventually, I decided there was only one thing to do. I’d have to drop performing arts from my timetable.
It took me a while to persuade myself that it was the right thing to do. My heart was telling me not to – it just wanted me to spend as much time being near Ben as possible. But my head was telling me something different. That this was a bad situation already, and staying in his class would only make things a million times worse.
The October half term came and went, and with my feelings for Ben getting harder to deal with each day, I decided it was about time I finally took the plunge. I didn’t tell anyone my plans. I knew Chris would try to talk me out of it, and I just couldn’t risk that happening.
So I took myself down to the school secretary, and asked if I could swap performing arts for history. It wasn’t something I’d ever been interested in before, but I’d done okay at it in my GCSE’s, so I guessed I could just about handle it at A-Level. Afterall, it could come in useful…if I ever decided to write an historical novel or something.
The secretary gave me a puzzled look when I told her my plans.
"Don’t you like performing arts, dear? I’ve heard such good things about that new teacher Mr Adams."
She was quite an old lady, and I had trouble believing that she was yet another member of the Ben Adams fanclub.
I could feel panic rising inside me again. Why couldn’t she just change my timetable and stop asking all these silly questions? How dare she be so nosy!
"I…er…I’m quite shy, and I don’t really like standing up in front of people," I replied, thinking that it must sound like the lamest excuse ever. "I only took the class because my friend talked me into it."
She looked at me, shaking her head in disbelief. "Well, if all the things I’ve heard about Mr Adams are true, maybe you’d be best to stick with it. Could be just the thing you need to bring you out of your shell."
I took a deep breath. I could feel myself on the brink of just telling her to forget it and walking out, but I knew I had to go through with this. I had to be strong. "Look, I really would be happier taking history."
"Okay, well…if you’re sure…"
"I am."
"I’ll have to check that history doesn’t clash with any of your other subjects, leave it with me and I’ll get back to you."
What? Get back to me?
"Can’t you just sort it out now?"
"I do have other things to do you know dear. But I will get back to you by the end of the week."
The end of the week? It was only Monday…that would mean I’d have five more hours of Ben, how was I ever supposed to cope with that?
I walked out of her office feeling more frustrated than anything else. All I wanted to do was switch classes, I didn’t realise it was going to be this much trouble! Maybe it was some sort of sign from the heavens, maybe me and Ben were just destined to be together…
But if that was the case, he wouldn’t be my teacher! It was more likely that someone up there was just trying to make my life as difficult as possible.
It was Wednesday before he said anything to me. I’d been expecting it, but when two days passed without a word being said, I thought I’d got away with it. Or that he just didn’t care…
The class had finished, and as usual I planned to be the first one out of the door. But before I even reached it Ben had called out to me.
"Sophie…"
I stopped, and slowly turned around to face him, giving him my best "don’t mess with me" look. It was stupid trying to convince myself I didn’t want this confrontation, when deep down inside I’d been waiting for it – hoping for it – since Monday.
"Can I have a word?"
I let out a theatrical sigh as I walked back over to a desk at the front, dropping my bag on the floor and folding my arms. He waited for everyone else to file out of class before he shut the door and turned to me.
"Do you really think that’s such a good idea?" I asked, nodding towards the closed door.
"What’s wrong, don’t you trust yourself to be alone with me?" he quipped.
I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t know what to say in reply to that. I actually didn’t trust myself with him, at all…so the only way I could deal with it was pretending I didn’t care.
"Just get to the point…" I was trying my best to sound irritated, although I didn’t think I was fooling him for a second.
"I hear you want to drop my classes." There was a sad look in his eyes.
I shrugged. "So?"
"Sophie, why are you being like this?"
"Being like what?"
He sighed. "Why do you want to switch classes?"
I looked up at him, and as my eyes caught his, I knew I couldn’t keep up this pretence. "Why do you think? I can’t handle this anymore Ben."
"Handle what?"
"You know what!"
He looked down, his voice getting quieter. "I thought we’d sorted all that out. It was your idea to forget about it, remember?"
I sighed. "I had no choice but to say that. You know as well as I do that this is an impossible situation."
He had still been standing by the door, but now started walking towards me. "You do know that it won’t make any difference, don’t you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Whether you’re in my class or not, I’m still your teacher…" He was looking me in the eye again now.
I held his gaze. "Of course I know. That’s not why I’m doing it."
"So why are you doing it?"
"Because maybe if I don’t spend so much time with you, these feelings I have for you might go away."
There, I’d said it out loud. I had feelings for him. I had feelings for my teacher.
"Do you really think they will?"
I shook my head.
"I just want to know that you’ve thought this through…"
"I have."
"But you could be so good, Sophie. If you could just overcome this lack of confidence you seem to have, and if you could just put you and me aside…"
"You and me?"
His face glowed red as he realised what he had just said. "I mean…we can’t change things. But that doesn’t mean you have to let it affect your education. If you stopped and thought about it, I think you’d realise that you actually enjoy these classes, and that they’re good for you."
I could feel myself cracking and knew any moment I’d give in. I had to stand tough though – if I didn’t do this now, who knows what could happen?
"I’ve made up my mind, you’re not going to change it."
There was a moment’s silence between us, and I could see a pained expression on his face as he mulled it over in his mind, until eventually he said, "Okay, well, if that’s what you want then it’s fine by me. Maybe you’re right, maybe the situation will be better if we don’t spend so much time together."
He pulled open the door and was gone in a flash, leaving me sitting there wondering what had just happened. I couldn’t believe he agreed with me in the end. I don’t know what I was expecting…him to beg me to stay in his class or something. Maybe that’s what I wanted deep down.
Unfortunately for me, Chris wasn’t quite so understanding when I told him.
"Why would you want to quit the best lesson on your timetable?" He shouted down the phone (I’d decided telling him over the phone would be easier than telling him in person).
"I just don’t think performing arts is for me, that’s all," I said quietly.
"Yeah, okay, at first I know you only did it because I persuaded you to. But you are actually good at it Sophie."
"No I’m not! You don’t realise how difficult it is for me to get up in front of all those people and pretend to be someone else."
"Yes you are good at it. When you forget all your hang-ups about having to speak in front of the class, you’re great. I think it’s doing your self confidence the world of good."
I sighed. "Maybe."
I’d worked out exactly what I was going to say to Chris in my head. The plan was to convince him that it really was such an agonising experience for me to have to stand up in front of the whole class each week and perform. Afterall, I wasn’t an extrovert like him, it didn’t come naturally to me. Damn, it had all sounded so good in my head before, why wasn’t it coming out like I’d hoped it would?
"So what’s the problem?" he asked, clearly not convinced. "Ben’s a great teacher."
I was so glad he couldn’t see my face right then, as I’m sure my expression would’ve given everything away.
"I’m not saying he isn’t. It’s got nothing to do with Ben," I lied.
"Then why give up something that’s doing you so much good? I was really hoping we’d be able to work together on the piece we have to do for our mock exams."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. You’re my best friend, who else would I want to work with?"
"I dunno. I just guessed you’d want to work with someone who was really good at acting or something."
"But you’re good! If you’d just try to relax a bit in front of other people, you could be fantastic."
"Look, I really don’t know Chris." I knew it was going to be a battle trying to convince him, and at the moment it was a battle I seemed to be losing.
"Please? Say you’ll give it another try, for me? At least until Christmas anyway. If you still want to quit then, well, at least you will have given it a fair go."
There must have been a part of me that wanted to stay in the class, otherwise I wouldn’t have let myself be persuaded so easily.
"Okay, okay, but if I still wanna quit in the New Year you have to promise you’ll let me."
"Promise."
So I stayed. Because Chris wanted me to. And because a very small part of me was still hoping that somehow, someday, something could actually happen between me and Ben…