| Title | Originator |
|---|---|
e|even¹¹ |
|
e|even¹¹ |
|
e|even¹¹ |
|
e|even¹¹ |
|
e|even¹¹ |
|
e|even¹¹ |
|
e|even¹¹ |
|
e|even¹¹ |
|
e|even¹¹ |
Don't feel like seeing your boss's ugly mug today? Had a morning quickie which lasted way into the morning? Or just plain feel like taking the day off without compromising on your leave entitlement? Try some of these excuses when you're at the friendly neighbourhood clinic.
Good Symptoms to Fake:
Cough - Easy to pull off an authentic sounding cough, difficult to determine whether you're telling the truth
Flu - Grandfather of all excuses. Weak and lethargic with a splitting headache.
Diarrhea - Useful excuse if you're the kind with a weak stomach. Doctors can't tell the difference between a a weak stomach and watery shit.
Food poisoning - Another good excuse since there's no way to ascertain if you're telling the truth. Add a bit of backstory about vomitting 3 times the day before and the MCs' yours.
Period cramps (girls only) - To the best of my knowledge doctors don't really probe into the source of the cramps. Mostly they just assume its all part of life and give you a day's MC to rest in bed and let the pain subside. Fucking useful excuse. Too bad I can't use it.
Bad Symptoms to try and pull off:
Fever - This one is self explanatory. You don't fucking tell the doctor you're running a fever when even your younger brother can tell you're just bullshitting your way through. There's such a thing called a thermometer.
Broken anything - This is a strict no-no. To doctors, anything 'broken' is serious. They will give you a through checkup to analyse the 'affected area' which would expose your lying ass in a second.
Ask directly - Don't be a wise ass and waltz into a clinic and tell the doc you're there for an MC. Doctors studied that many years for a reason, and giving free MCs is not one of them. In this case, it doesn't pay to be honest. Typically, you'll just have your ass thrown out of his office for wasting his time AND having to pay consultation fees. And we all know how fucked up it is to visit the doctor and return without an MC after paying for his services.
Act mad - If you try this you're really off your rocker. Crazy bitch.
How to get out of Marché without paying
This one started out at Desmond's 22nd hatchday where we went to Marché for dinner. Of course being the conniving bastards that we are, we came up with a billion and one awesome schemes to sneak ourselves out of the restaurant without paying the bill. Its not like we're dishonest people, but the fucking management charges exhorbitant prices for their shit. You can't even bring in your own plain water how fucked up is that?
The Marché payment system works as such: You take this card individually at the entrance, and whenever you purchase something, the vendor scans the card and charges to it. At the end of the meal, the cashier takes the card and tabulates how much you've racked up, following which they steal your money and ask you to come again. There is only 1 official entrance and 1 official exit.
Here's how to beat the system:
1. Use the fire emergency exit. Every restaurant has one of these. In this case, its in the kitchen. Its a pretty straightforward method but risk level is high. The cooks and whatnots will be wondering why the fuck outsiders are sneaking their asses through the kitchen. They're probably also trained to know that whatever outsiders they see in the kitchen are trying to sneak out without paying.
2. Distract the cashier as your other friends sneak by under the counter without the bitch noticing. This way, depending on how many bastards you snuck out, you'll have that many spare Marché cards to use on future visits, thus making sure that all future meals at Marché are absolutely free of charge.
3. Steal someone else's Marché card. Sometimes there'll be a loser who's too busy eating to take note of where his own card is. If you manage to pilfer the bugger's card, you can use it to buy whatever the fuck takes your fancy and give the cashier your own original empty card, making your total bill $0.00. What happens to the bugger you stole from afterwards is none of your fucking business. =)
4. Metal Gear through the exit. You know occasionally one of the staff pushes a huge ass carton of fruits through the restaurant? Simply take the empty carton box and hide under it, moving very slowly inching your way to the exit. Whenever someone looks your way, stop moving and they'll think its just an empty box. The cashier will think that a huge fruit box near the exit is nothing suspicious, allowing you to pass safely.
5. Steal the staff's clothes. No brainer. Just knock out of the staff members with something hard and drag them to the toilet and steal their clothes. You'll be able to move freely in and out of the restaurant then.
6. Sneak out through the entrance. During peak hours there's usually a long queue outside the restaurant waiting for tables. Its possible to sneak out through the entrance during these times. If anyone stops you, say you just entered the restaurant and you're there to wait for another friend who's not there yet. Once you're out you're home free.
7. Cheat the cashier. If you're there with a big group, compile all your cards together but leave out one. Give the stack to the cashier who'll be too lazy to actually count the number of heads and cards and just tabulate the cost accordingly, which would be $0.00 because all food bought would have made use of the card that you took out earlier. Free meal.
8. Brute force. This one is more a technicality. There's a stipulation that if anyone loses his or her Marché card, a $100 fine will be imposed. Common sense will tell you to buy way more than $100 worth of food (works best with plenty of people), pretend to lose a card, and pay a mere $100 bucks for maybe $1000 worth of food. Of course it'd be suspicious that the 20 or so people you came with all have $0.00 in their cards but who gives a shit. They can't prove anything.
9. Befriend the cashier. Common sense again. If you know the cashier personally, just ask him to let you out of the place without paying. Unless your 'friend' is the kind of motherfucker who's self righteous, he'll be glad to help out. If you don't know any of the cashiers on duty, make friends with one of them BEFORE you enter the restaurant so you'll be friends by the time you're inside.
10. Toilet escape. Unknown to many people, the ventilation fans in the toilets can be wantonly destroyed and removed from the wall, providing would be scumbags the route to freedom. All you need is brute force and some luck that no one will hear you smashing up shit in the toilets.
11. Start a fight. Pakak with your buddy and start a fight with each other. Start spewing vulgarities as if all hot chicks became nuns and starting roughhousing each other. Typically, the management will be worried about you both bastards tarnishing the reputation of the restaurant and ask that you both take it outside. Once outside, you're best friends again. Easy no?
12. Sneaky bitch method. You know how many of the food vendors there always scan your card then tell you to come back 10 mins later to collect your food? Just randomly go up to any of them and ask for whatever it is you want to eat. Usually they can't remember who the hell ordered what. Of course the management isn't stupid so the food vendors put a mark of sorts on your card to let them know you ordered something. Simply take a pen and mark on your card whatever it is that particular vendor does. Requires some research but a free meal is always worth it.
I feel something vulgar towards SAJC males. This vulgar feeling began years ago when I was still studying in the best school in the world. I've always disliked them for their pussy behavoir. Somehow, SAJC guys are just disgusting lumps of hernia asking to be bashed. Merely writing this article will hardly justify my hatred towards them. Some have asked me previously why I'm so against SAJC and truth is, the reasons are so myriad that its impossible to pinpoint why SA guys just turn me off. Rather than write a full editorial on how disgusting those worms are, I'll give you readers 5 reasons why these assholes deserve to be buttfucked by horny banglas.
1. They live in their own fucking world
Lets face it. SAJC is nowhere on the rankings chart. Its not as piss poor as SRJC or YJC but its nowhere even considered 'good'. Basically, SAJC is nowhere. Nobody gives a fuck about it, nobody feels threatened by it. So the students begin to carve their own 'funky kewl' identity. Since they don't belong anywhere, they create this fuck culture for themselves and think that they're unique and special. They act like they're bad asses but just not that bad ass. In a sense SAJC lives in its own little faggot world, but think that they're mainstream because they try to mimic other more established schools but always fall short of the mark.
2. Baggy clothing
I won't be so bold as to claim that the baggy clothes culture was originated by ACS. But what I know for a fact is that SAJC students did not adopt the baggy nature up till a few years back. When I was still in my first year, SAJC students didn't try to mimic the baggy culture. But once in the 2nd year, suddenly every asshole from that shithole wore their pants halfway down their asses. It didn't help matters that their uniform looks similar to mine less that stupid tie. So with the SA faggots all donned in baggy pants and shirts, they go around the streets thinking that they're fucking happening. In actuality, they just mimicked the baggy culture from the best school in the universe.
3. SA girls are hot
Biggest reason to hate those male motherfuckers. Saint's girls are like darkhorses. Some of them are really hot and infinitely fuckable though not many would consider SAJC to be a school of hot babes. But because they're trapped in the same campus with a bunch of pondans, most of these chicks end up giving those male faggots the time of their lives because they didn't have any other choice. The thought of ugly ass SA guys getting lucky with those hot chicks gives any guy a perfectly good reason to want to beat the stuffings out of them.
4. Hypocritical assholic behavior
For some reason SAJC guys like to think that they're all happening and stuff with their short spiked hair and baggy pants. Whenever a bunch of these losers are together, they behave as if they're actually something worth looking at. This wouldn't mean shit but whenever there's female presence nearby, those assholes suddenly become 'nice sensitive humorous' turncoats. They act all whiny bitchy with their female counterparts around and talk about sensitive 'issues' like abstaining from premarital sex and church. Either that or they're acting really 'gal pal' kind and listen to the females talk about relationship problems, sprouting self righteous bullshit to her hoping to lay her later that day. Those motherfuckers can't even straighten out their own fucking identity, acting all cool and bad ass one sec and snaggy faggot the next.
5. Naive girls actually fall for their bullshit
This is linked to the previous point. My hatred reaches past the limit when those same hot SA chicks actually fall for their bullshit acting. The girls get cheated into thinking that the guys are 'nice' and are willing to strip for them. In actuality those hypocrites are just putting on a facade trying to lure girls into their 'baggy' pants. Guy readers use your mind for a sec. You all know inside that we're just a bunch of horny monkeys dying to spread our seeds all over the planet, especially if you're surrounded by hot babes from SAJC. You also know jolly well you'd want nothing more than to make them moan for their lives as you pound their pussy. In that case what's up with the fucking SA male mentality? First they pretend they're all happening and shit, then they're talking about faggoty shit like a tool. Morale of story? Lie your way into bed. Its the SA way!
It all sounds rather extreme but like I said, it all adds up. Personally, I've come across a few ex SAJC guys before. Of course they're not as fucked up as described by me initially but as time went by, their fucked up mannerism emerged slowly and made me dislike them. There's also a constant fuck type behavoir that all of them exhibit. They all behave like the typical bad ass cool dude, doing 'happening' shit like playing pool and take up some form of high profile sports like soccer, canoeing or rugby. They even speak the same way I do, talking endlessly about sex decorated with vulgarities. Heck you'd think they were from the best school in the universe too. Of course, unlike real students from the best school in the universe, those SA acquaintances of mine display such behavoir with the exclusive intent to appear appealing to girls. I bullshit you not. This is evident by their lacklustre atheletic ability, inability to talk dirty nasty vulgar things in front of the opposite sex, and sucking at basically anything that requires eye hand coordination. They TRIED to make themselves appealing, which just makes me sick. Lets see one of them snaggy bitches make a vulgar website with content like mine. They'd probably start crying or something. Faggots!
Nothing screams "I'M FROM A FUCKED UP SCHOOL" like the uniform you wear. Singapore has about ten million schools littered around the island at present but there're only so many colors to choose from. Needless to say some schools got the better part of the color bargain while others had to resort to dressing their students up in toad shit. The local education system works such that every uniform wearing student is stuck in the same place for at least 2 years. So for at least 2 years you can either look like a million bucks or like something out of my ass on a bad day.
Presented today are some of the best and worst uniforms you can find locally. Its easy to be unbiased while writing this article since color combinations either suck shit or kick ass. If a school you support happens to be insulted by me, don't take it too badly. After all, its only the uniform colors. I haven't got to insulting the students yet. Also take note that there may be schools I've missed here and there that deserves mention but since there're ten million different schools, its difficult to be totally comprehensive. Lastly, only 'top' schools are mentioned since there's no point mentioning some god forsaken school that nobody knows about.
Best uniforms:
ACS
family of schools. The best in Singapore period. From primary, secondary
up to JC, the ACS brand of uniforms are simply the best. In fact, any other
schools that adopt a similar color scheme of dark blue and white can't go
wrong. Best worn loose and baggy with trousers dropping off the ass for
guys, and loose top and short skirt for chicks. Tight fits are a strict
no-no. One degenerates immediately into a neighbourhood school ah beng if
the pants and shirt are tight.
RGS.
The queen of all girls' schools. The color combination is the best I've
come across and the girls there are probably the best mix of looks and brains
this country has to offer. Especially awesome when they roll up their sleeves.
Can be worn baggy or fitting, both kick ass.
RJC
girls. While there's little doubt light green and white makes for a weird
combination, RJC girls manage to pull it off effortlessly, looking smart
and sexy at the same time. Take a gander at the picture. It looks like a
million bucks already. Best worn similar to the ACJC style, with blouse
tucked in but almost falling out, and skirts with cuttings that allow for
full upskirts whenever the wind blows. Its a cardinal sin to have Raffles
faggots mixing with them on the same campus.
CHIJ/MGS.
In the blue we have the convent girls. Something about convent girls just
scream "LOLITA!!!". Maybe its the image they portray, ya know
the innocent sweet kind. Its always a fantasy to bed one of these sexy nuns
and watch them turn from girl-next-door to horny lolita. This applies to
all the convent CHIJ schools, since only their badge is different. Unofficial
sources have ranked IJ (toa payoh) as the best with STC and Kelloggs tied
for worst. And in white we have the rich MGS whores. Unknown to many, MGS
chicks wear their pinafolds INSIDE their blouses, and their pinafolds are
half white, half dark blue. Either way the combination is awesome, as are
most white/dark blue combinations. Typically personified as the half ang
moh half asian types, you see them hanging out at KAP regularly. In any
group, there'll always be at least one mixed breed with western looks but
asian mannerism.
SAJC.
The only reason SAJC is on the 'good' list is because I'm trying to be totally
unbiased in this article, and because of the SA girls. Contrary to popular
belief, I do not hate SAJC on the whole. I merely think the male half of
the SAJC cohort are gay faggots. Read my previous article 'SAJC
guys are gay faggots' to understand why. Anyway, SAJC has a pretty nice
uniform but the fucking tie spoils everything. On the girls the ties look
kinky when worn loose and can be easily fantasized about. On the guys it
just looks gay when they try to look 'kewl' and wear their ties half fucked.
Nevertheless, SAJC deserves a spot here for having the white/dark blue combi.
Worst uniforms:
NYGH.
The bane of most guys island-wide. I dunno what is it about Nanyang girls
that makes me wanna throw up. Look at that uniform. Its white with red letterings
on it. I have no fucking idea how anyone can feel sexy in shit like that.
The common joke goes: Don't be in a crowded bus full of NYGH girls, their
stinking armpits would kill you. I have no idea how many have died from
this but judging on how the typical NYGH girl looks like, I'm not surprised
if there's a massive secret graveyard somewhere along Bukit Timah.
TJC.
Anyone can enlighten me how the fuck the original uniform designer for TJC
thought that frog shit green for the uniform would somehow be nice? It looks
worst in reality than in this picture I swear. The entire uniform both shirt,
blouse, pants, skirt is fucking-frog-shit-green. You know the slightly greenish
hue of bird shit on a car? Yeah like that. You might as well kill yourself
by eatting shit if you're posted to this school.
RV.
This is really really REALLY NOT a lifted image off Tan Tock Seng Hospital's
website but a kindly River Valley girl doing community work in an old folks
home. I kid you not, the RV girls uniform looks just like the nurses at
TTSH. Why do RV students dress up as nurses while getting an education?
Who the fuck knows. Maybe their principal wants all of em' to do nursing
work in the future. Scheming bastard.
NJC.
Another prime example of a color NOT to choose when deciding to adopt a
single color uniform. Other than reflecting accurately the fact that NJC
students are almost as lively and active as a block of wood, the uniform
does absolutely nothing to boost the image of the students. In fact, if
you hang around in NJC on any particular weekday, you wouldn't dare to move
for fear of smashing into the grey concrete walls which are in fact only
students in suspended animation doing their mugging. Note to NJ principal:
The trick is to boost your ranking AND show that your students didn't study
25 hours a day to attain it.
NYJC.
An unknown JC to me. All I know is that it used to be right next to my 2
previous homes. I have no idea what the quality of chicks are like there,
nor do I care much for their guys. I just know vomit brown is not a good
color to cover your students with. Ok maybe vomit brown is slightly extreme
(but I'm not kidding about the TJC one), it looks more like chocolate milk.
Nevertheless, its not a uniform to be proud of.
CJC.
Actually the CJC girls uniform looks rather nice before they decided to
don dark blue ties along with it. But since CJC guys look like fairies in
their sky blue outfits, CJC gets thrown in the ugly section as well. Sky
blue on girls looks perfectly fine, evident from the hot looking chick in
the photo. But lose the tits and put a dick and it looks like dog drivel.
Personally I have nothing bad to say about CJC other than their girls rock
hard (even harder in bed considering their abortion rates). So I'll leave
it as that.
Dunman
High. Another unknown school far in the eastern regions on Singapore. I
just know that it proves that although you may have the right color combination,
a fucked up design can ruin it all. Dunman's uniform is actually not that
bad, but upon closer inspection, the shirts and blouses have these wooden
brown ugly ass buttons. And their crest is some weird red circle with strange
lines in it. Needless to say it looks wrong. The students end up looking
like old fashioned policemen. (I have no fucking idea how I came up with
that analogy)
Chinese High/Catholic High. I didn't bother sourcing for the pics because there's a risk the reader may just puke all over his few thousand bucks computer. Every single fuck thing about both school's uniform is wrong. Firstly, its fucking gay to make upper secondary students wear SHORTS (not berms). Those who blindly follow the shorts rule find that they're impotent later in life because their shorts destroyed all the blood vessels to their groin. Secondly, the color of the shorts is piss wrong. Chinese High gets caramel brown and Catholic High gets TJC frog shit green. Somebody shoot them please. Thirdly, both schools use those detachable buttons that have to be manually put on each night. Who the fuck thought of such an awesome idea?
I realise that majority of the schools mentioned in the ugly section are the traditional chinese schools whose school anthems are in fucking chinese. I don't hate chinese culture by any means but everyone will admit these mentioned school uniforms look like turd compared to the more modern english slanting schools. So for parents or students who are choosing future schools for themselves, you now know which ones to avoid like the plague and which to donate money to for them to accept your sorry ass in.
Present day arcades are only a faint shadow of the past. With home systems so fucking powderful now, nobody wants to spend money to play Street Fighter anymore when they can have the arcade perfect version at home. To combat this, arcades now opt for the more expensive route; to create gaming experiences that can't be had at home. Therefore most arcades now are chock full of huge machines providing the 'real' thing that a mere controller can't provide. And with the advent of this new generation of arcade comes a new generation of morons. The different kinds of arcade dwellers go to the arcade for different reasons. Most of us will fall into at least one of these categories:
1. The Quintessential Ah Beng
The lifeblood of old school arcades. The Quintessental Ah Beng (QAB) hangs out at the arcade only to play 1game: King Of Fighters. Surrounding them are their other QAB friends who look on as the player does a million hit combo on the latest installment of KOF. The QAB is possesses mad skills and can decimate the computer without much effort. Any newbie attempts to challenge them will promptly end with the challenger asking himself 'What the fuck happened!?'. When they're not busy destroying the computer AI, they're busy challenging each other at KOF to see who's better at the game.
2. The Unfit Ah Beng
This character's game of choice is Virtua Striker. They usually lack any real physical skills and therefore hone their gaming prowress by using Qatar to win the World Cup. Virtua Striker is almost 10 years old already, and yet each time I'm at the arcade, at least 70% of all Virtua Striker machines are occupied by Unfit Ah Bengs. Apparently the game's so realistic that the UAB will sweat bullets while trying to outrun the computer AI.
3. The Poseur Ah Beng
The class of bengs are steadily on the rise. They main objective at the arcade is to beat their previous fastest time on the newest installment of Initial D Arcade Stage. At any arcade carrying Initial D, there will be throes of PABs waiting for their turn to have a go. They get their name because most of them want to think that they're hip kewl driving asian sports cars racing with each other. They feel empowered that they get to sit at the wheel of the 'authentic' AE86 Trueno and race down the mountain top. Ironically, the Ferrari racing game machines are usually left empty, even though a real Ferrari would trounce any of the Initial D vehicles in a race. PABs are also the most likely to be in the ones who modify their Lancers and Civics in the 'Things that Piss Me Off' category.
4. The Mad Faggot
MFs provides free entertainment for all. They are the queens of the Dance Dance Revolution rhythm based games. They dance for their lives as evident in the sweat they produce. While the music plays, they are oblivious to the world around them and dance like there's no tomorrow. Some of those on the higher echelons of gayness even create their own unique moves to match the rhythm of the game. MFs always draws a crowd, but whether they're laughing AT or WITH 'him' is up for debate.
5. The Bimbotic Whores
BWs game of choice is the game with no name where you take this thing and hit a plastic puck over a frictionless table trying to score at the opponents goal. This clan of dwellers usually make the most noise in the arcade, screaming and laughing and occasionally throwing the puck hitter around. Other arcade dwellers usually don't mind having BWs around screaming because they typically look rather hot, and provide good fantasies while they bend over the puck table.
6. The QAB Understudy
Unlike their seniors who special in KOF, QABUs prefer to play other fighting games like Xmen Vs Street Fighter, where they rack up mad infinity combos without even having to look at the screen. QABUs memorize exactly how the fight will be played out and once they start their combo, it doesn't stop until the computer lies dead at their hands. Occasionally, the QABU will diversify into other less over the top fighting games like Tekken or Virtua Fighter. They're usually not as good at these games but nevertheless manage to beat the final boss with one token, though without the same pizzaz.
7. The Mad Fuckers
To my knowledge there only exists 3 or 4 of such MFs in Singapore. MFs believe arcades only exist for one purpose: World Kicks. They stroll to the token counter, change a bunch of tokens and spend the next hour hammering away on the World Kicks machine, spoiling it occasionally. MFs suck at every other game, but excel exclusively at World Kicks. Typical high score rankings will be populated by the MF clan. Most commonly seen at E-Zone at orchard cineleisure.
Believe it or not, every single person you know is a fucking asshole, some in more obvious ways than others. The term 'asshole' isn't the typical term that I randomly sprout throughout this site, but of a more specific kind. These 'assholes' may not be the kind you'd hope your parents will never see you hanging out with, they're also not the kinds that will influence you negatively. The only common trait both classes off assholes share is that you want to fucking beat their stupid brains out. So which one are you?
1. The relationship asshole
Everyone knows a few of these bastards. These are the ones who go through thick and thin with you, the ones you share your secrets with, the ones who tell you to fuck off once their dicks get lucky. These assholes are personified by their forever filled schedule. Under no circumstance (unless their other half dies from herpes, but still..) are these morons free to hang out. Having them take initiative to plan some outing is more painful than getting butt fucked. Their entire fucking lives revolve around their other halves. They eat, sleep, shit, cut hair, go shopping, watch movies, go for classes, masturbate, get raped, fall sick, contract AIDs together. To these assholes, everything else is non existent. Every single aspect of their lives involves their other half and ONLY their other half. Everything else can go to hell.
2. The work asshole
The majority of the people you know fall into this category. Work assholes are found almost everywhere outside of ACJC. This breed of queers separate their lives into 2 very different categories: normal and holiday. During holidays (i.e no stress periods) these assholes dig up their lives and live with it for the duration of the holiday. They go out, party, get fucked and all other sorts of shit and basically enjoy themselves. However, once its the 'normal' (i.e stress) periods, they suddenly drop their lives and lock themselves up in their buttholes and fret over the future. Nothing on earth will convince them to leave their buttholes and do something relaxing. Relaxing to them means not looking at their notes while breathing. Also, during the 'normal' periods, you will totally not exist to these assholes. They have no idea whether you're dead or alive, and ignore all attempts you try and make contact with them. Their only friends are their notes, and other work related assholes.
3. The cheebye asshole
This is the asshole everyone aspires to be. They are characterized by their couldn't care less attitude. Life to these assholes is one big playground. They take everything easy and belittle everything, cussing at other types of assholes. Basically the total opposite of the work asshole in 'normal' mode, the only difference being the cheebye assholes have everything going their way. They don't work hard but produce results. They spend money that drops from the sky. They succeed in life by picking their noses during meetings and interviews. Typically, the cheebye asshole pisses everyone off that is unfortunate enough to cross his path, usually due to jealousy, contempt and unfairness. Fuck yourself in the butt if you're this kind of asshole.
4. The wayang asshole
Also known colloquailly as the 'crazy fuck', wayang assholes are those with the Wall Street Journal under their arms instead of the latest issue of Playboy. Everything that comes out of their mouths are beyond their peer's comprehension. They can be spotted in a group as the one who speaks like a fucking banana, except they've been brought up locally all their lives. They try to act older than they actually are, which explains the 'crazy fuck' looks they receive from anyone around their age. Their ideal future jobs are usually investment bankers, stockbrokers, risk analysts and any other jobs which requires more than 2 minutes of thought, though most usually end up as cash tellers in banks. The most harmless kind of asshole of the bunch who usually doesn't get on people's nerves.
5. The sensitive asshole
Sensitive assholes get their names for their probing behavior. They like to get involved in everyone's business and give their half cent's worth. Typically personified by their self righteous nature, most would tell these assholes to fuck off upon 2 mintues of conversing with them. Sensitive assholes like to think that they're a team player and that their input is appreciated. They rank high on the initiative scale because every single detail is combed through by them. If someone's twice removed cousin's pet hamster died, the sensitive asshole would be the first to offer his condolences and 'better' methods of hamster rearing. Good to have around if you're the kind who likes to spread rumours and watching the sensitive asshole go into a frenzy of excitement.
6. The fucking asshole
These species of assholes were the ones who created the vulgar term 'asshole', and are the absolute worst of the lot. Fucking assholes are known for their selfishness and backstabbing capabilities. They will say anything and everything to keep themselves in the clear, even if it means getting everyone else into shit. Such bastards only befriends those who are beneficial to them, and treat everyone else as non existant dregs of turd. They spent the majority of their time fucking tree monkeys, claim that the tree monkeys are 'hot babes' and have no qualms about boasting about it, though nobody usually listens because everyone steers clear of the fucking asshole. Fortunately to my knowledge, the fucking asshole is one of the rarer kinds of assholes you'll find. The majority of people you know fall mainly into the first 5 categories.
So, which asshole are you?
How to piss people off on the bus/train
Having taken public transport for the majority of my life, I've noted down various ways to irritate people within a 5 metre radius of you. After all, if people constantly irritate you, why shouldn't you irritate them back? The methods listed below does not work on every kind of passenger. Some may get irritated while others may not give a fuck. The techniques taught are from personal experience, by observing gay fucks doing various fuck shit on the buses and trains. I am not responsible for you getting your ass whooped if you try any of the discussed methods.
1. Rest your knee on the front backrest (bus only). This is the most effective way to piss people off in the shortest amount of time. By resting your knee on the backrest, you apply subtle but noticeable pressure on the front guy's back. Usually people just get used to the pressure and ignore it. So to ramp up the irritation factor, try rocking your knees back and forth. This will cause the front guy to rock as well and will most definitely piss him off enough for him to turn around and give you death looks.
2. iPod irritation (bus or train). Most poseur assholes these days have an iPod, and most have some sort of receiver/discman device to listen to while on the way home. The trick is to adjust the volume such that the person next to you is able to hear the faint music BUT is unable to make out the exact lyrics of the song. This will piss people off because though you're providing free music for them, they can't hear whatever the fuck it is you're listening to. And they can't shut the sound off either because the music is definitely noticeable. The best part is usually nobody will say a thing because they'd look like a pussy ass for letting music irritate them, unless they're sleeping and your noise woke them up.
3. Mobile irritation (bus or train). Another popular choice since everyone now owns a phone that can transform and cook up a meal. Even old phones can attempt this. Every phone has some sort of lame java games installed that produces ear piercing blips and beeps. Simply whip out your phone and begin playing the game in a way such that it makes the most noise. The best are the kinds of looping sounds that repeat non stop.
4. Bell ninja (bus only). Stealthily press the Stop bell every now and then between stops without letting anyone know you're the bastard that's doing it. The constant bell tone will irritate everyone including the driver on the bus. Its an awesome bonus. Get back at the fucking uncle for taking such a long time to reach your stop.
5. Bell ninja II (bus only). This one requires timing. When the bus gets very near the next stop, press the bell stealthily and watch as the bus ebrakes and tries to stop within the bus bay. The force of the brakes will throw the passengers forward and of course piss them off. Do this enough times at various stops and watch the faces of the driver and passengers.
6. Noisy patriotic bastard (usually but not limited to train). Works best on crowded trains when you're standing in front of the sitting passengers. Singly, whip out your phone and pretend to talk to your friend about your time in the army. Go into details about how fucked up you felt and how unreasonable blah blah blah. Nothing pisses off a person more than hearing about some young punk talking endlessly about his time in the army and making a big fucking deal over nothing. For best effect have an accomplice with you. Both of you can just drone on and on and agreeing to everything the other says. Throw in the occasional hyena laughter and watch as everyone else clenches their fist.
7. Mat Attack (anywhere). Requires help from a few accomplices. Simply sit in a corner and talk about interesting (lurid to assholes) things like sex and porn while laughing loudly occasionally. The trick is to talk loudly enough for other passengers to hear without raising your voice. Should not be carried out in densely packed places either. People always get pissed when there's a group of shitfucks talking about sex and stuff and laughing like horny cowboys. Even those politically incorrect ones will get pissed for not being included in the 'conversation'.
I may be wrong but I'm always right so its probably factual that Singapore is one of the strictest countries in the world. The gahmen (govt) here tries to rule everything, from the houses we live in to the number of fucking kids we should have. Hence, stored somewhere in the national archives is the law section the size of twenty football fields. Every single fucking law that has been passed is written down meticulously and stored in this gigantic section.
Naturally, with the 100 billion laws passed over the years, there're bound to be a few questionable ones. Questionable in the sense that not only is the scope of the law nonsensical, but also no sane person would even bother to tread into the area that particular law covers. Here are some of the laws passed down by gay jackasses which I think are still in effect now.
1. Underage smoking. The gahmen keeps talking about wanting to reduce the number of places smokers can act cool at but at the same time, allowing morons above a certain age to light up. So what is the gahmen trying to achieve? A nation of cancer stricken smokers or a smoke free one? As if banning punks below the legal age from smoking is gonna make them abstain from it. There're like a zillion other ways to get their grubby hands on a cigarette. If the fucking gahmen wants to prevent people from dying from lung cancer, they should just ban cigarettes entirely from Singapore. That way even if scheming locals try to smuggle cigarettes in from Malaysia, they can't smoke anywhere outside their piss poor homes without someone calling the cops to come drag his illegal ass to jail. In fact, normal citizens should be given the legal right to hammer anyone caught smoking in public, as long as the offender is left breathing.
2. Underage sex. The legal age is um....16 I think. Below that the girl is referred to as a 'minor'. Why in hell does the gahmen put the mark at 16? 16 would be secondary 4 for the typical girl. 16 would also be an age where the girl has matured and been blessed with tits and a tight vagina. Why would the gahmen ban horny young men like us from bedding these bitches? The fucking legal age for sex should be 12. Anyone who beds a girl below 12 would be called a paedophile, and in any case, if they're found out, everyone would beat the fuck out of them for being so fucking disgusting in the first place. The police don't even have to lift their batons. Bottom line is as long as the girl jumps into bed willingly, men should be able to fuck them all night long without having to worry about screwing a minor.
3. Using mobiles while driving. While its perfectly understandable why there's a danger to using a mobile while on the road, the scope of this law is just plain retarded. The law in effect basically says as long as you hold a mobile in your palm while driving, its an offense punishable by jail and license suspension. So effectively reading an sms is a crime, as is holding the mobile while using the headset. However, its perfect ok if say the driver was holding an ice cream cone in one hand while driving, or if he had one hand on the gear shift because the car was manual transmission. Also, reading an sms is a crime but reading the speedometer isn't. This law is one of the most fucked up I've ever come across. The intention is right but the execution is diaherrhea-like horrid.
4. No durians allowed on trains/buses. Firstly, anyone that doesn't like durian's should be shot in the nuts and hammered with a spanner. The only dickheads who think durians stink are fucking expatriate ang mohs, and why on this unfair earth would any ang moh take PUBLIC TRANSPORT with us lowly locals? So if I bought a sack of durians, the only way I could get home was to either walk or own a car. I didn't realise durians were a rich man's fare. I thought everyone ate it. And just to put things in perspective, the law says that its legal to allow a stinking asshole with serious BO onto the bus and train but its illegal to bring durians onboard. I love double standards.
5. No parking in red URA lots. Those red lots you see at the HDB carparks can only be used by residents of the block at all times of the day. This makes sense since space needs to be reserved for the residents. The fucking law falls apart once you notice that there's maybe a red to white lot ratio of about 1:60. White lots are fucking rare and at certain hotspots, waiting for a lot can drag on for a long long time. There's always spare red lots but never enough white lots. The fucking law should be changed to allow anyone to park anywhere in the carpark at certain non-peak hour timings like the entire fucking day. After all, if everyone's out as a vistor, who the fuck are the ones at home? Either that or paint more white goddamn lots. Its not like driver's are not willing to put coupons if they're parked at the red lots.
6. No playing of soccer in basketball courts. This one actually sounds reasonable, until you realise that there are only very few places to play soccer but there's always multiple basketball courts in every HDB estate. And this is Singapore, who the fuck even plays basketball? Its just a game for poseurs to try and impress chicks by bouncing a fucking orange ball. Just look at all those taiwanese idol dramas and note how extensively basketball is involved in almost every one of them. With soccer courts so rare and every available one being jammed packed with malays with nothing better to do, where else can the soccer crazy locals have their fun? Here's a hint: It starts with 'B' and ends with 'askeball courts'.
7. No pissing in the lifts. Right, we all have nothing better to do than to piss in the lift. It doesn't matter that if you're in a lift you're probably either very close to home, or a public toilet. Lift peeing used to be popular in the late 80s as an act of mischief by stupid malay kids but the situation has improve tremendously these days, with pee sensors in most lifts. I have no fucking idea why there's even a law that needs to specify it so particularly. Maybe its legal to piss at the back of the bus.
8. No slippers/shorts/singlets allowed. This one isn't really a law but more of a stupid gay rule certain places adopt. I'm including it for the fuck of it because I can. Such restrictions are usually found at more upmarket places like steakhouses and restaurants. The rationale is to maintain the high-crass image of the place. What's retarded is that the organization turns away customers who can well afford whatever shit they're selling. So what if gahmen minsters dine at a certain place. If I can afford the shit there I wear whatever goddamn outfit I'm comfortable with and dig in. It has no bearing on my social status whatsoever. Heck I could be making even more money than those money laundering bastards. So what fucking right has an establishment to turn me away if I can afford to buy the entire place? Blame it on this thing called exclusive-image. A poor man who dresses well but orders bread is worth more to a restaurant than a rich one in pajamas.
Cartoons nowadays suck shit. Everytime I turn the tube on to either Kids Central or Cartoon Network, I see shit. If its not some lame poorly thought out cartoon about spies, its about some retarded kid who has superhero powers. Do kids these days really buy into shit like that? Guess that's what happens when you're alive during the advent of Poké-fucking-mon, you get swarmed by sellout bullshit cartoons. Whatever the fuck happened to the good cartoons that either made you laugh or made you force your parents to buy you toys? Those were the fucking good old days...
Digging through my memories I can only think of a few existing cartoons today that don't suck royal dick. Trust me its difficult to think of modern cartoons that don't fucking stink. Go check out these few if you're able to, you won't be disappointed.
Transformers:
Robots in Disguise. You knew this was coming, the grandaddy of all
cartoons. I shit you not, this is literally the best ever cartoon I've ever
watched up till now. No new age Armada/Energon bullshit, Generation 1 was
the absolute best of the entire TF series. Anyone (girls fuck off) worth
his salt who's got pubic hair would have watched the cartoons in the 80s
and owned a couple of toys. I won't go into plot details since its taken
for granted every male born in the late 70s early 80s knows more about Transformers
than his girlfriend's vital stats. Its about transforming-fucking-robots
for god's sake!Not to mention combiner gestahlts like Devastator (pictured
in green), transformable autobot cities Metroplex and Fortress Maximus,
and the idol of all 80's preteens Optimus Prime. I swear there isn't another
cartoon in existence both past or present that can beat the Transformer's
kickass-ness.
M.A.S.K. Holy shit check out the awesome animation
of Thunderhawk. Mobile Armour StriKe command or M.A.S.K as its more commonly
known takes 2nd spot easily after Transformers. The draw of this cartoon
lies in the transformable vehicles, similar to Transformers but without
the robots (except that fucking irritating T-Bob). Basically the good (MASK)
versus evil (VENOM) cliché, the cartoon focused on MASK fucking up
VENOM's plans time and time again using their transformable vehicles to
trash other transformable vehicles. Also, the human chracters each own individual
special Masks (helmets) that have a wide range of abilities. While MASK
and VENOM aren't busy fucking each other with their vehicles, they're performing
funky things with their Masks. Hell, Matt Tracker (main good dude) has a
Mask that enables him to fly! I realise the description doesn't give much
insight into the show but how else am I supposed to describe a cartoon with
a flying race car dogfighting a helicopter turn jet? Just watch the frickin'
cartoon. Unfortunately, unlike Transformers, M.A.S.K hasn't been re-released
on either vcd or dvd formats so good luck finding a complete show to watch.
ExoSquad.
If I remember correctly this one came out rather late in my first
childhood (going thru 2nd one now) when I was at the age wanting nothing
to do with 'childish' cartoons. Suffice to say I don't remember much from
the cartoon other than the story about earthlings vs. neo-sapiens and battles
involving sweet looking E-Frames (think Gundam except smaller). But I do
remember being drawn to the show for the E-Frames. There's always something
appealing about humaniod robots and space, not to mention ExoSquad had an
actual storyline that was actually followed instead of merely having good
guys beat bad guys each time. Oh yeah, the E-Frames were all kick ass too.
I would include StarCom as well but to the best of my knowledge the cartoons
were not screened locally though there were constant adverts for the toys.
Manga-lock anyone?
Family
Guy. The evil twin of The Simpsons. Here's a cartoon that doesn't
try to sell toys like the previous shows BUT doesn't attempt to be 'cool
and appealing' to the masses. Granted, the nature of Family Guy is noticeably
different from the previous cartoons mentioned but its also one that doesn't
build on nostalgia. Family Guy is still currently running on Fox TV and
for a while, late Thursday nights on Channel 5. This is an example of a
good modern day cartoon, one that doesn't try and pander to stupid kids
who watch Pokémon. Family Guy doesn't give a fuck about political
correctness. The main character, Peter is a horny fat bastard that thinks
women are mere bed/fuck buddies, and isn't shy to show it. He's lazy, egocentric,
rude, stupid just like real life people, not some hero type morally correct
faggot. He's got a hot horny wife (Lois) who enjoys her sex and tries (failing
miserably) to instill politically correct values into Peter. Best of all,
the family has this kid baby Stewie who single handedly brings the show
into the high echelons of awesome-ness. Stewie is a diabolical scheming
kid who dreams of world domination and speaks like a veteran evildoer. He
wants to kill his mother for an unknown reason and thinks his dad is a stupid
son of a bitch. He has death lasers, nuclear weapons and other weapons of
mass destruction hidden in his diapers and spares no attempt to kill Lois.
Oh yea, he's capable of feeling horny but doesn't grasp the concept yet.
The Simpsons (while good in its own right) can't hold a candle to Family
Guy until the producers get their heads out of their asses and remove all
politically correct content from the show.
Spongebob
Squarepants. He's yellow, he's square, he's a sponge, and he lives
in a pineapple under the sea. Theoretically this idea sounds like pure shit
so the producers must have had a hell of a time convincing the networks
to pick it up. Good thing they succeeded though, since Spongebob Squarepants
is one of the best slapstick cartoons ever created. There is no storyline
since the series is just a huge collection of shorts like Tom and Jerry.
Spongebob is a sponge who's basically a charismatic nerd who does anything
with solid determination. Its what we term 'losers' in the real world. He's
intelligent but naive, and his best friend is a retarded pink starfish Patrick,
along with everyone else in Bikini Bottom. This cartoon is great because
it doesn't use sex or cultural references to make it funny. As mentioned,
everything is slapstick in nature. The facial expressions are exaggerated,
the characters act retarded, and the entire mood of the entire show just
screams to be laughed at. Spongebob screens at 9am on Kids Central on Sundays,
and at various times on the Nickelodeon channel so its way fucking easy
to catch the episodes. Trust me on this one, if you're a kid at heart who
doesn't try to think adults should only be watching the news and the golf
Masters, you will enjoy Spongebob.
Classic Looney Toons. They've been around for
decades entertaining people worldwide. Even today the Looney Toons still
screen on Cartoon Network regularly. Slapstick in nature, the purpose of
the cartoons are to make people laugh and that's it. No story per se, each
cartoon usually involves 2 or more characters trying to outsmart the other
with usually 1 (or more) always losing out by getting blown up, falling
off cliffs, hit by a train etc. Male or female, young or old are all able
to enjoy the silly shit Bugs delivers over and over again. If Spongebob
represents modern slapstick, Looney Toons represent the classic no holds
barred slapstick that single handedly invented the genre. Acme anvils anyone?