I know a few guys who can stand to be more manly. Maybe this is because I am the most manly girl I know (not physically, but in regards to my attitude). I have one friend who binges on chocolate and ice cream whenever he is sad, and another who always has schoolgirl crushes. Yet another who cries at movies, plus my next door neighbor listens to Britney Spears and wears glitter. These men may benefit from GUY LESSONS that will help them to be more like those testosterone-filled breast-ogling sports-obsessed bastards we all know and love. I was thinking of some stereotypical guy moves that you can employ. It doesn't matter how much it initially repulses you to act like this, because it is the only way you can graduate to a full title of a GUY:
1. Laugh very loudly and crudely, like "HARHARHAR"
2. Watch football.
3. Ogle cheerleaders.
4. Play with yourself whenever you are on the phone with a girl, watching TV (specifically any channel that
features a moderately normal looking woman), doing nothing, on the comp, in the bathroom, and in the stall
in the school bathroom.
5. DO NOT play with yourself in the guys changeroom, at the urinal when there are other guys present, on
the phone with a guy, talking to a guy, eating dinner, or watching sports (does not apply if
there are cheerleaders).
6. Talk about the type of beer you drink even if you don't drink.
7. Talk about the head you got last night even if you didn't get any.
8. Whenever an attractive girl walks by, say something crude like "Yeah, look at the rack on her". Another good thing to do is buy Maxim or Gear, or go online, and find all the pics of slutty-looking half-naked girls they can find. It helps if they are covered in oil or something. Poster them up in your locker, disregarding your school's obscenity policies. Make sure to tell your male friends about your cool new decorations.
9. There is usually always one or two girls in the school who have reputations for doing really stupid and slutty things. So we will call this hypothetical girl "S". She is usually characterized by being overly friendly, popular, cute, pink, whorish, stupid, blonde, and probably young. You must collect all the stories you can. If anyone talks about S you must bring up the story about how she gave so-and-so head in his basement for $5 (this actually happened at Adam's school, although I don't know if he ended up paying her.) This will
prove that you are In The Loop and know all the stories about girls and thus can speculate as to which girls would be most likely to suck your dick.
10. Whenever someone asks you for something or asks what you are doing, say either "Your mom" or "suck
my dick".
example:
"What time is it?" "Half past your mom."
"Can you pass the ketchup?" "Only if you suck my wang first."
"What do you have for lunch?" "Your mom."
NOTE BIEN: make sure to insert laugh (see point #1) after each delivery!
11. Learn a lot of dirty jokes and tell them at any opportunity.
12. Ask "S" (remember, hypothetical slut girl in # 9?) for head. Offer her $0.50.
13. Say "wang" a lot. Use a lot of diverse names for "penis". Examples include wang, cock, shlong, dick, Mr
Happy. I'm sure you can think of some.
14. Interpret everything as a phallic symbol. Interpret everything to be an innuendo.
15. Make up a story about you that no one will be able to trace. ie "I was at a party with all these drunk BT
girls, and then these two hot blonde chicks pulled me into the bathroom and started to smear whipped cream
all over my cock, and suck it. Then one of them said 'fuck me up the ass...'" The stupider and drunker, the
better! You get bonus points for having extra BT girls and possibly a hot tub in your story.
ARE YOU A REAL GUY? by Dave Barry
Take this scientific quiz to determine your guyness quotient.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a) Present it to the President of the United States.
b) Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c) Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a) Innocence.
b) Idealism.
c) Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a) When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b)When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c)When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a) If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b) If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c) If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
i) He is legally within the basepath,
ii) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
iii) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a) ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b) ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c) ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a) A cat.
b) A dog.
c) A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy——you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers——when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a)That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b)That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c)That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a)You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b)You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c)Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a) "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b) "They're in school already?"
c) "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a)When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b) When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c) It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody——and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife——is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a) He was being tested.
b) He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c) He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a) Democracy.
b) Religion.
c) Remote control.
How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c."
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
brought to you by: THE ANTIGIRL (aka me) I am the most non-feminine girl I know!