"Your girlfriend whispers that she loves you,
Well it's not the sort of thing that she'd admit out aloud now would she?"

"I don't think your girlfriend is a fool,
but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others."

"Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?"

"I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion."

"I thought of you today... I was at the zoo."

"I don't want to make a monkey out of you.
Why should I take all the credit for the one thing you've done yourself?"

"Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much cheese."

"I'd like to give you a going-away present.....First, you do your part."

"You're a habit I'd like to kick - with both feet."

Don't look out of the window
People will think that it's Halloween

You've a face like a million dollars
All green and wrinkled

I've kept my youthful complexion
Yes, so I see, all spotty

Haven't I seen you on TV
Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me ?
Off

Do you think that I'll lose my looks when I get older
With luck, yes

My husband always carries my photo in his pocket.
It once saved his live when a mugger tried to stab him.
Of course, your face would stop anything

I've just come back from the beauty parlor
What a pity it was closed

I love looking in the mirror admiring my looks, do you think that's vanity ?
No, just a vivid imagination

Do you notice how my voice fills the hall ?
Yes, and did you notice how many people left to make way for it ?

I can play piano by ear
And I can fiddle with my toes

When I was a sailor I sailed across the Atlantic both ways without even taking a bath
I always said you were a dirty double crosser

Have you got a quarter, I want to phone a friend
Here have 50, phone them all

How do you find my breath ?
Offensive, it's keeping you alive

He's good at everything he does
And as far as I can see he usually does nothing

Boys fall in love with me at first sight
Bet they change their minds when they look again though

We should try and fight air pollution
You could start by stop breathing

Do you find me entertaining ?
I'd say you were too dim to entertain a thought

Shall I put the TV on
Well it would certainly improve the view in here

Do you know we could get a fur for you
As fur as possible

This food isn't fit for a pig
I'll get some for you that is then

Is that a new perfume I smell
It is, and you do

Do you like me ?
Well as girls go, you're fine, and the sooner you go the better

I've been asked to get married hundreds of times
Yes, but your parents don't count

Why have you given me this long piece of rope
Well they say that if you give someone enough rope they'll hang themselves!

I've changed my mind
Great, does the new one work any better ?

Why do you smell funny
It's soap, I don't suppose you've smelt it before

How long can someone live without a brain
Hoe old are you ?

He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe

Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing

Don't let you mind wander
- it's far too small to be let out on itts own

He always finds himself lost in thought
- it's an unfamiliar territory

He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear"
- but then again he doesn't know the meaaning of most words

I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck.
Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

You are not even beneath my contempt

I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation,
but the hate that I feel for you is the real thing.

You remind me of the ocean - you make me sick.

Pardon me, but you're obviously mistaking me
for someone who gives a damn.

I worship the ground that awaits your corpse.

I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works

You're not yourself today.
I noticed the improvement immediately.

Shakespeare Insults

From The Winter's Tale

Should all despair that hath revolted wives,
the tenth of mankind would hang themselves

My wife's a hobby horse

I hate thee, pronounce thee a gross lout, a mindless slave

Go rot!

She is spread of late into a goodly bulk

We need no grave to bury honesty,
there's not a grain of it the face to sweeten of the whole dungy earth

Thou hast need of more rags to lay on thee

Having flown over may knavish professions,
 he settled only on rogue

If you had but looked big and spit at him, he'd have run

Thou fresh piece of excellent witchcraft

You are rough and hairy

His garments are rich but he wears them not handsomely

Here comes those I have done good to against my will

From The Taming of the Shrew

How foul and loathsome is thine image

Think'st thou, though her father be very rich,
any man is so very a fool to be married to hell?

There's small choice in rotten apples

I know she is an irksome brawling scold

Lead apes in hell

If I be waspish, best beware my sting

He was a frantic fool, hiding his better jests in blunt behavior

A monster, a very monster in apparel

Away, you three inch fool

You heedless joltheads and unmannered slaves

Am I your bird?, I mean to shift my bush

From Love's Labour Lost

The music of his own vain tongue doth ravish like enchanting harmony

A whitely wanton with a velvet brow,
with two pitch balls stuck in her face for eyes

Pernicious and indubitate beggar

You talk greasily, your lips grow foul

A most pathetical nit

His intellect is not replenished,
he is only an animal,
only sensible in the duller parts

He that is likest to a hogs head

Ah, you whoreson loggerhead, you were born to do me shame

Thou halfpenny purse of wit, thou pigeon egg of discretion

He hath been five thousand years a boy

A huge translation of hypocrisy, vilely compiled, profound simplicity

Weed this wormwood from your fruitful brain

From As you like it

Her benefits are mightily misplaced

What shall I call thee when thou art a man ?

Like the toad, ugly and venomous

Sweep on, you fat and greasy citizens

I think he be transformed into a beast;
for I can nowhere find him like a man

And in his brain which is as dry as the remainder biscuit
after a voyage, he hath strange places

Lets meet as little as we can

I desire that we be better strangers

I was seeking for a fool when I found you

His kisses are Judas's own children

Certainly, there is no truth in him

You lisp and wear strange suits

Men are April when they woo,
 December when they wed