Teaser: Usagi's been having some nightmares of her own. . . Warning!! Break up fic!! <A fiona apple song fic should have been your first clue. . .> Be ready to cry - Ready? Wahhhhhhhhhhh okay, good. I hope you're ready for this one, minna-chan don't say I didn't warn you!! Love ridden words and music by fiona apple, lyrics indented I do not own Sailor Moon. story by Yuubou genre: R season/song fic completed: Nov. 13, 2000 e-mail: yuubou_san@yahoo.com Those words. "Usagi-san, I don't love you." So cold. . . She closed the door to her room, locked it, looked around blankly. She was alone.  The events of the past swam through her mind. Flooded it.  She walked over to the stereo, put on that song.  The song she had listened to countless times after he had. . . Love Ridden. . . It sounded like sadness. She blasted it, full volume. She laid down on her bed and cried, remembering. . . "Usagi-san, it's over.  I don't love you anymore." Love ridden, I would look at you. She stared at the man who had been alone all his life, who had never felt love before hers. With the focus I gave to my birthday candles She looked deep into the fire of his eyes, searching for the love that she was convinced would be there. . . I've wished on the lidded blue flames Under your brow The eyes that had once melted over her now stood as cold and unwavering as they had been years ago. And baby, I wished for you. She shook her head slightly, trembled, slightly. "Mamo-chan, I don't believe you.  Why are you saying this??" she pleaded, pathetic and broken, gulping for air.  She was drowning, and all he did was stare down coldly, not answering. "Usagi-san, don't call me that.  I'm not yours anymore."  He looked down.  Her teary eyes were breaking his heart. He closed his eyes, and his nightmares replayed before his eyes.  He saw her ripped body in front of him, and felt his heart collapse.  It gave him strength to do what was needed to be done.  "Don't tell me you actually though what was between us would last?  It was puppy love.  You'll get over it." <don't get over it> She looked down at her shoes for a moment.  Not thinking, just numb, and whispered, "I won't get over this, Mamo-chan." Jerking her head up, she stared into his eyes.  Shaking her head, she told him fiercely, "I don't believe you.  You're not this cold. . . I know you," only to see his eyes harden to solid dark blue pools of ice.  Her eyes widened at the change. "Obviously," he told her calmly, coldly, "you don't," - which was when he had walked away. She tried to think of the better times, happier times. Nobody sees you when you are lying in your bed She imagined him sleeping. . . And I wanna crawl in with you . . .and how they used to lay side by side. Her body ached to be held by him. But I cry instead The tears flowed down her cheeks. I want your warm, but it will only make Me colder when it's over She wanted so badly to be with him, to be covered by his warm skin, caressed.  She relived that one time, when she had really neede him, and he had been there for her - when they had shared one last kiss in the foggy night, moments after a fierce battle, but the thought of the look on his face afterward, when he pushed her away. . . So I can't tonight, baby . . .and she knew she was not strong enough to see that look again. "Oh, Mamo-chan. . ." she whimpered into her pillow. No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you I'll just use your simple name ~Usagi-san, don't call me that.  I'm not yours anymore~ His words haunted her, and she forced herself to correct the mistake. "Mamoru-san."  The word seemed so cold, and it made her think about coldness.  She thought back to all the times he had been cold. All the times that he had looked at her indifferently, as if she was simply another stranger passing by on the busy Tokyo streets. All the times she had cried at his door, begging to be forgiven, apologizing for all she had done - when he had never even bothered to tell her what wrong she had committed.  All the times he would send her an icy glare because she dared to accuse him of still loving her.  He was cold. The name fit. Her tears dried up, and she sat slowly on the bed. He truly didn't care. . . All the turbulent feelings drained out of her body.  An anger and a sadness flared up at the man who had so many times lied to her, hurt her. It was time to tell him, once and for all and be done with it. She left the house.  It was easy enough to find him.  He was at home. Looking at the door, she faltered for a moment, and remembered a time when she would have run through the doorway and greeted him with an enthusiastic hug and a mind numbing kiss. Only kisses on the cheek from now on And in a little while, we'll only have to wave Quickly, she shook off the feeling.  It was over.  With new resolve, she walked up to the door and knocked. "Usagi-san, what do you want now?" he asked annoyed. "Mamoru-san, I've come to tell you the truth, once and for all. Truth I never would have told you before." "Oh, give me a break.  Why don't you go bother somebody else?" "Mamoru-san, just face it!  You have never been one to give or want the truth.  I wondered how you would look at me if I were the first to give it to you.  With anger? pity? pain? Why don't you let me find out?"  There was silence for a moment, and then he slowly opened the door.  She saw the confused expression in his eyes, and knew that she was the only one that he had depended on for the truth.  Her mouth set firmly at his reaction. "Then tell me the truth," he stonily prompted, still believing her to whine and beg him to go back to her.  Her statement had surprised him, though.  She had never sounded so angry before. With the right to the floor granted to her, her task suddenly seemed insurmountable now that it was upon her to complete it.  The fiery energy that had been swirling inside of her drained out, and all she was left with was regret and weariness. With a deep sigh, she loosened her proud stance.  Her strong voice from moments ago faded to a ghostly remnant when she tried to explain.  However; she was determined to get everything out.  She would tell him how he made her feel, and then leave all those feelings on his doorstep as she walked away.  She would get over this. "After you left. . .I felt everything a thousand fold, and then nothing at all. "At first, I thought you left because I had gotten too close to you. I believed that you loved me, and hated the idea.  It hurts when loved ones leave us, I know.  We both know that first hand."  She looked at him bluntly.  "Your parents, my mother Queen Serenity. . .it never stops hurting.  I figured that you didn't want to hurt so much in your life, so you took out all those risks.  Mamoru-san, I know you.  As Tuxedo Kamen-sama, as Mamoru-san, you like to play it safe, hang back and only swoop into the world if its absolutely necessary. "I hoped that you'd wake up and realize that it hurt more to deny a love than lose it, but when you never came back to me. . ." She looked down at her hands, sadly.  "I figured that maybe I had been mistaken. "You have this uncanny ability to attract girls to you, as Minako would say, like a moth to a flamethrower."  He looked at her puzzled, and gaped his mouth open like a fish, but kept silent as she explained, "Minako never was good with sayings. . .I have seen all these girls throw themselves at you, and then delude themselves into believing that you feel love for them - Rei, Ann... and I then thought that, maybe I was like them.  I mean, I had always believed that I was the exception to the rule, and that our love would overcome every test.  It would last a millennia. . .but it hasn't. "I began to question everything about my life.  You were my boyfriend because a thousand years ago we were engaged. I wondered if my friends were really my friends, or were they simply doing a job they were obliged to complete.  Was my being the princess an honor and responsibility on my part, or a burden on theirs?  My whole world began to crumble, and I began to truly realize what you went through, growing up.  I always had Ikuko-mama, and Kenji-papa, but you had nothing.  And when you left me, I had nothing.  I saw how it could close a person off. "It closed me off, at least.  And after a long time, I have stopped my crying, and well, grown up.  But to do that, I stopped feeling as well. It is as if I were dead, staring at the world through vacant eyes.  Anything else is too painful." Mamoru looked at her, shocked and disturbed at the outpour of emotions, and the true, raw power behind them.  Seeing his expression, she began to soothe him. "Please, don't feel bad.  You can't change how you feel any more than I can, and quite frankly, I would rather you tell me that you don't love me than tell me that you do and it be a lie.  Besides, when I did believe in our bond I felt more feelings than most people do in a lifetime.  I was more alive than anyone else.  I guess it's only fair that things are the way they are now.  I'm not bitter towards you, Mamoru-san, but I'm also not that little girl I used to be, always full of hope.  I miss her, but some sacrifices do have to be made, to survive.  I was foolish, amd made you my world.  When you left, I was left with nothing, and it was my own doing." My hand won't hold you down no more The path is clear to follow through "So I just wanted you to know, that this is the last time I will be coming here.  You have a life of your own - I realize that - and I don't want to stop you from living it, so. . ." I stood too long in the way of the door She stood for a moment, lingering, then took a deep breath. And now "Goodbye, Mamoru-san. . .          I'm giving up on you"             *** She woke up with a start and from the nightmare she realized how close she was to giving up. And she couldn't. She couldn't let him give up on her. With a flurry, she jumped up and raced out the door to Mamoru's - leaving the song Love Ridden to play to an empty house. "Usagi-san, what do you want now?" he asked, annoyed. "Mamo-chan, I need to talk to you!  It's time we faced our fears." She banged on the door. "Oh, give me a break.  Why don't you go bother somebody else?" Suddenly, Usagi felt very angry.  She banged on the door violently. "Mamo-chan, open the door.  It's time we face our fears!!" She sounded like she was in battle, calling the senshi together for one last powerful blow.  Her strong voice beckoned to him. "You owe me that much. . ." Hesitantly, he slid the door open.  She yanked her head up and heatedly stared into his eyes.  "Mamo-chan, it's just not as simple as you've put it."  She exhaled sharply and clenched her fists. "What?" "Us.  We're not together now because we haven't faced our fears together.  It's in the nightmares, Mamo-chan."  Mamoru looked at her, frozen. He didn't utter a single word. She continued as he turned his head aside to avoid her stare - "I guess you don't remember as well as I do, or you don't think about it in the same way." "Usagi-san, what are you talking about?" "Dying."  Mamoru immediately stiffened.  Usagi continued, "The first time, in the Silver Millennium.  Don't you remember?  Beryl was this huge image hovering in the bruised sky.  She was laughing these deep cackles that shook my body, my soul. They sounded like cracks of thunder."  She turned her eyes up to his before continuing.  "And there you were, floating away from me in the stormy clouds, with bolts of energy sizzling about you." Tears slid from her eyes and left tehir salty trails down her cheeks as she said in a despreate whisper, "I was so scared, but I knew that the only thing I wanted, needed, was to be with you.  To hold your hand. Dying didn't seem so awful with your hand clasped with mine." At this her eyes broke with his, and she began to intently study the carpet beneath her.  "Even though your presence calmed me, I will never forget that storm, that storm that killed everything that I held dear. "When I was little, I'd have nightmares about that night.  They were usually little flashes of the story, and I didn't know that they were real, but. . ." Usagi took a shuddering breath, no longer able to go on.  "In the dream, what calms me is being with you, but when I woke up, I'd be all alone, and now I'll always wake up alone, won't I?  That's what you want now - a life that is not tied down to destiny, that is not tied down to me.  Mamo-chan, don't you see? We already died the tragic death!  It's time for us to be happy together.  We've earned it!  I want to be there to hold your hand the next time you wake up after a nightmare.  Do you want to do the same for me?" "But what if you don't wake up?" he blurted out.  Her forehead wrinkled in confusion. "What do you mean?" "I mean - I've been having this nightmare. . ." Her eyes never left his.  They never berated him for following the advice of a dream. They accepted everything he told them, and in the end, they still shone with love and understanding.  He hadn't wanted to keep anything from her- but living in pain seemed such a little price to pay for her life.  He had just never realized there could be any other way. She shook her head sadly.  "Mamo-chan, it hurts more to deny a love than to lose one.  At least while we're alive we can make happy memories together, and if I die, it will have been after spending my life with the man I love.  Mamo-chan, I'll always be with you, no matter what, I promise."  She half laughed.  "We'll just have to be careful on our wedding day." "Usako, that's not funny." She brightened at the mention that she was his bunny-child. She placed her hand on his arm.  "Mamo-chan, we can get through the nightmares and the tough spots.  We both know that the future is uncertain, but today is for real.  It's solid.  Live today with me?" She looked at him pleadingly. Hesitantly, he nodded his head.  Life began to flow back into her body.  She did not move yet, however much she wanted to throw her arms around him and kiss his lights out.  She waited. He looked into her eyes for a long moment.  The corners of her mouth upturned at the look in his eyes. But still, she waited.  She needed him to tell her. . . He sighed at the look of her.  All resolve to protect her from himself broke down and he told her what he had been dying to tell her so many months. "I love you, Usako." She, in return, let all control go.  Her mouth up turned into a wide grin, matching his.  Her eyes were bright and shining, and soon she was sprinting into him, arms out stretched. After the inevitalbe collision, they were lying on the floor together, and Usagi buried her head into him, he arms firmly clasped about his neck.  She whispered into his ear, "I love you too, Mamo-chan." She raised her head, allowing her eyes to look deeply into those 'lidded blue flames.'  Slowly, she crawled up further on his lenghth, inching her way up his body until she straddled his hips and they were nose to nose, breath tickling each other's faces.  A slow smile spread across her features, while Mamoru waited with baited breath.  Her movements had always had that effect on him. He breathed her scent - cherry blossoms, like spring.  He had missed that. . . She lowered her lips cautiously, brushed them against his own for a moment, then raised her head and looked into his eyes again, less sure of herself than before.  He still wanted her. . . His hands moved up her body, from her waist, along her sides - tickling her ribcage, brushed against the sides of her breasts, over across her shoulder blades and in between them, and finally up to the base of her neck, slightly applying pressure as he leaned up and closed the gap between their mouths.  After a moment, she leaned her mouth against his as well. The kiss stayed gentle and tentative for long sensuous moments. Slowly moving together, they turned over so that Usagi was now on the floor, Mamoru leaning his weight over her, her legs now wrapped around his waist, pulling him against her.  His hand stroked her jaw as he slowly deepened the kiss.  Her skin was soft under his fingertips. She let her hands wander down his sides, dancing on his skin, trying to remember every part of him that she had missed.  It had been so lonely without him. Together. It seemed so right. He was thinking the very same thing. full lyrics: Love ridden, I would look at you. With the focus I gave to my birthday candles I've wished on the lidded blue flames Under your brow And baby, I wished for you. Nobody sees you when you are lying in your bed And I wanna crawl in with you But I cry instead I want your warm, but it will only make Me colder when it's over So I can't tonight, baby No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you I'll just use your simple name Only kisses on the cheek from now on And in a little while, we'll only have to wave My hand won't hold you down no more The path is clear to follow through I stood too long in the way of the door And now, I'm giving up on you By the way, I love her songs, but none of them have a happy ending, which is why the song ends early in the fic.  So e-mail me and tell me what you thought.  I don't expect much of a responce b/c this is both my first break up fic and song fic, and I think those are the hardest kind to do well.  But e-mail is always a good thing. ja' ~yuu