When Jeff and I met 15 years ago, we truly believed we were soul mates. Till this day we・ve never been bored with each other. We spend hours together talking, playing, laughing, scheming. People say he worships the ground I walk on.
He・s always been sexual in a boyish way, and when we first met, he said he no longer lusted after women. He was married to his first wife then, and she later informed me he would always cheat, even on me.
Three years into the marriage my 18-year-old son saw Jeff and a woman outside his apartment. Jeff asked my son if he could use his place for awhile. Confused, my son agreed and left. I found out about this five years later when my son felt he had to tell me. When confronted Jeff denied it.
There was always something suspicious about Jeff. There were cards, letters, and pictures that suggested he was cheating all through the marriage. All of the women seemed to be of the same makeup: weak, uneducated, and single. Jeff denied everything, tearing up the evidence before my eyes.
Two years ago a woman called me to say she had been having an affair with Jeff. In fact, on our anniversary, he bought her flowers. We had a knock-down, drag-out fight and he was arrested. Like most wives I dropped all charges.
After each episode, Jeff acts his usual cheerful self as if nothing happened. It makes me want to go out and do the same to him, but I just can・t. Mind you, I・m a good-looking woman with style. Men are attracted to me. Maybe it sounds crazy, but when Jeff and I are together, I feel loved. But I also feel betrayed.
There was no more evidence of cheating until a few days ago during our wonderful, two month vacation in Belize. I traced a hang up call back to a woman who Jeff was seeing. She said she wouldn・t have been involved unless he was getting a divorce, which he said he was.
I・m numb. I haven・t slept in days, I can・t eat, I haven・t spoken 20 words to Jeff. I can・t even imagine a future anymore. Yet I know Jeff will never leave on his own. Everything is in my name and my accounts. I feel sorry for him because I・ve always been the breadwinner.
I offered to pay him $10,000 to leave. He refused. He doesn・t want money. If I leave or put him out, what excuse can I give the family? They believe we are just like honeymooners. Telling the truth would destroy him, their relationship with him, everything. Why can・t he be faithful?
Hillary
Hillary, asking why he can・t be faithful is almost like asking why he can・t be taller. He just isn・t. You feel loved by him. So do all the other women. Making a woman feel loved, overcoming her scruples with lies, is what he is good at.
After each episode he acts like nothing happened. That is because nothing has happened to him. He is doing what he has always done. He is like the boss who tells prospective employees they will have to work overtime and on Sundays. Once hired, their complaints fall on deaf ears, and rightfully so. Why? The boss forewarned them and they accepted the terms.
Being the breadwinner is your plus. That is why he is with you instead of another woman. He turned down your cash offer because you are worth more to him than $10,000. You are his base of operations. Unwittingly you provide him with the means and leisure to court other women.
Your family, like your son, may well know the truth of your relationship. You offered them the image of honeymooners. If you stick with this lie, you will be stuck with it the rest of your life.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
I am in what I guess you would call an 85 percent marriage. We have a lot of small talk but little serious conversation. I always thought there could or would be more for me.
The biggest symptom of our questionable marriage is we have very little sex. Twice a year is the norm. We have been married ten years, are in our mid- thirties, and have no children. Before I was married I had an active and successful sex life.
I would like to have children but can't imagine sharing that with my wife. I go for months when I am okay, but the pressure of no intimacy, on all levels, gets to me and I am miserable. She keeps giving me different reasons and conditions. Heck, I even ended up cleaning the house more, which makes me laugh thinking about it.
When we first met, the spark was not overwhelming. Why is it we throw out those relationships for "sensible" ones? Then we spend our whole existence thinking about sparks.
All this being said, we have fun together and I cannot imagine leaving her at this time. She loves me and has based her whole life on our being together. It is perplexing.
Farley
Farley, some people might tell you sex isn't everything, but that's like saying "Money isn't everything." When you can't pay the rent, when you can't put food on the table, then money is everything.
When you don't have the minimum requirements, your focus is drawn to what is lacking. Is it too much to say you can't imagine having children because you know that would be the trap you couldn't escape. Excuses and conditions freeze you in hopefulness. If she stalls long enough, you will feel it is too late to begin again.
Everyone agrees the one relationship in which physical intimacy is permitted and inherent, is between husband and wife. You jumped through hoops to improve the chances for intimacy. Now you know firsthand you can't trade household chores for lovemaking. Bargaining for sex has another name.
Why can't your wife pinpoint what is wrong? Because an honest answer is going to put her somewhere she doesn't want to be. Single. Evading the problem allows her to have her marriage on her terms. She has decided you will not have sex for the rest of your life.
The issue is black and white. Can you accept a marriage of small talk and no sex, or not? Many, maybe most, of the letters we receive boil down to this. You can't change anyone else. The only power you have is over yourself.
Tamara
I・m hoping you can help us out. For four years my girlfriend, Wendy, and I have carried on an affair. Yes, she・s married. I know, I know, but hear me out.
From day one we clicked on all fronts, and our communication is outstanding. We can talk about the most intimate things. She is the woman I・ve hoped for all my life. I know this sounds like a Hollywood movie, but so what.
A dozen years ago she married a man she didn・t love and could not stand having sex with. He is immature, overbearing, and obnoxious. Is my dislike showing? Maybe, but it・s accurate! Six years ago they stopped having annual sex because she would never bring a child into the world like him.
We・ve talked divorce to the point where it・s been beaten to death. She shakes, cries, and becomes frozen with fear when she tries to tell her husband. She cannot pinpoint the fear. In private counseling she was told to use the abundant strength she has in the business world to confront him. But she cannot. She crumbles.
Her father was an alcoholic and her mother the classic enabler. In my armchair opinion, Wendy replaced her father with a tyrant father figure husband. He publicly insults her and diminishes her.
Wendy fears she cannot make it on her own financially even though she has a good income. Three years ago I started a catering business. For three years it・s been starvation, but just last month I started on the road to success. I don・t represent security to Wendy, but if I showed up making six figures, tell me that wouldn・t speak louder than a herd of elephants.
We・ve tried self-help books and two counselors. Wayne and Tamara, tell me what she is getting from staying in this marriage? I・m praying you can spot something here which can help us. When someone comes along who connects with you down to the level of your DNA, there is no way you cannot play it to the very end, whatever that end may be.
I know the odds against success are slim. But what about the men who built the Golden Gate Bridge, or stepped on the moon, or the woman down my street who sweated herself out of a wheelchair to walk. They didn・t accomplish that by listening to what can・t be done, did they?
Andrew
Andrew, it is often said that an alcoholic is an alcoholic from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. The same is true of the children of alcoholics.
Wendy・s family shaped how she addresses the world. It・s almost as if her consciousness was poured into a mold and given a shape as rigid as steel. Like steel, her awareness can be changed, but only with a great deal of energy.
Why does Wendy stay? Aside from feeling familiar, she has found a way to make her marriage bearable. You. You are her coping mechanism. Having you in her life makes it possible to endure life with her husband. You are what keeps her from hitting bottom. You are what keeps her from developing the passion, and the desperation, to change.
A friend who treats alcoholics once told us, ：The best way to deny you are an alcoholic is by admitting it.； What he meant was that by the time people reached him, it was no longer possible to deny the problem. So they did the counseling and admitted how much they had hurt others. But they still wouldn・t change.
That・s where Wendy is now. She lives life with deeply ingrained habits. Her interior consciousness will fight like a wildcat not to change. Like others before her, she must realize she will never change for an external reason. She can only change for her own sake. She is not ready. She may never be.
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
I am a happily married woman with school-aged children. I am also in love with "Steven," a man I knew back in college. Though there was undeniable magnetism between us when we met, I was already dating the man I later married. Steven and I had only a couple of nights of dynamic passion.
After graduation, we had no contact until the Internet came along. For four years we've emailed and talked as lovers. We exchanged sexual fantasies about each other and even a few explicit photos. We live less than two hours apart and have seen each other twice since college, both times in professional settings. He is something of a public figure.
My husband knows Steven and I email and speak on the phone. Steven's wife is totally unaware. I love my husband. He treats me like a queen, and my marriage is the envy of all my friends. Steven and I don't want to rip everyone's life apart, but it is difficult to have so little contact with someone you love so deeply.
Recently I explained to Steven how much it bothers me that he is living a lie. Our dilemma is if he tells his wife he also loves me, she will surely leave him and take the children. If he fudges and says we are friends, she will insist we stop talking.
Now Steven has decided to limit our email to one letter a month. This is part of what he wrote: "Please don't call. It's too hard to talk about this. In total honesty, hearing your voice is a problem. I'm asking you this as a friend: don't call.
"I lay in bed staring at the ceiling all night. I'm comparing my wife to you and getting angry she is not you. I recognize you and I are soul mates.
"Fourteen years ago we might have pulled it off, not now. Children change everything. I love you. And I love my wife. But I love my children more (and I know you understand this). Over the weekend I envisioned what I would have to say to my kids if this ever came out.
"The phone rang twice since I started typing. I assume it's you. I'm sorry not to answer, but I have to insist we stop talking. I love you. It's amazing to me you would doubt that. My feelings, both noble and carnal, aren't going to change, but I can't let them ruin our lives."
I'm afraid Steven's wife will find out about us. I wish he could at least tell her we are friends, even if he leaves out that we love each other. It's such a mess. We're constantly longing for each other, and one email a month doesn't satisfy our desires. Any advice?
Winnie
Winnie, nitroglycerin is a highly explosive liquid. It is so unstable the slightest jolt can cause it to spontaneously detonate. That is what Steven thinks you are. Nitroglycerin.
His stomach does flips each time the phone rings. He has night sweats and makes bargains with God. He is begging you not to ruin him.
You're not afraid his wife will find out about you. You are hopeful. And you have all those letters and pictures. We doubt anything we say will change what you are about to do, but we are curious about what happens. Let us know how many city blocks are leveled, how many lives are destroyed, when you go off.
Alfred Nobel made a fortune turning nitroglycerin into dynamite, a useful form of the explosive. When a newspaper mistakenly ran his obituary before he died, Nobel realized he would be remembered for creating a weapon of destruction. So he created the Nobel Prizes, forever linking his name with peaceful achievements in areas like science and medicine. What do you want your name to be linked with?
Wayne & Tamara
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or e-mail: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
I still love my wife and am committed to our marriage, but I believe she no longer loves me. Over the past few years we・ve become more distant, to the point where we no longer share any intimacy. She is a decade my junior, and we have been married for nine years.
Many factors contributed to our situation, but one major issue was children. She dearly wants to be a mother, and we・ve tried for years. We・ve come to learn that I・m infertile. This was quite a blow for both of us. We investigated adopting, but were both overwhelmed by the hoops we needed to jump through, as well as by the intrusiveness of the whole process.
I don・t want to suffocate my wife in a dead-end marriage, but at the same time I feel a moral conflict about ending it. I attended church schools for 12 years and consider divorce taboo.
Ed
Ed, sooner or later each of us must decide what we believe. You can・t be a vegetarian slaughterhouse owner. The two are mutually exclusive.
The decision about your marriage is not solely your own. But to the extent you have a voice in what happens, your experience and your upbringing seem to be in conflict. Whenever two elements in life are in conflict, we need to take a thoughtful look at them, then rid ourselves of the one which seems wrong. That is the only way to end the struggle.
We can・t make this decision for you. You have to decide which value is higher. But once you establish the habit of pruning contradictions in your life, your life will gain a force and a focus it never had before.
Wayne & Tamara