It's
that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards are given
each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through
single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool. In other words, only the most anal and
idiotic people and events are selected for this prestigious award.
5th RUNNER-UP
Goes to a San Anselmo,
California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain
ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David
Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident
occurred about 3 am., the Mono CountySheriff's department said.Hubal and
his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid
some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of
the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers
who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the
ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated
and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32,
was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk
threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his
mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front
of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where
it had choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP
Goes to poacher Marino
Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging
rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP
"Man loses face at
party."A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner
last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse
in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M. D. Payne."Another man had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it." "It
wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off."
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP
Doctors at Portland
University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting
arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation
into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as
Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous)in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to
shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.
Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major
blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip
protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major
blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow
out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted
afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said
Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been
filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the
initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER
(The late) John Pernicky
and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great State of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington
amphitheater. Having no tickets(but having had 18 beers between them),
they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence
and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence
and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr.
Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately
for (the late)Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of
the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a
tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a
large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a
broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly
figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and
proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally
free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched
his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly
branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing, his
pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in
considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to
safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and
crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police
arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100feet from the
truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving
the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a
holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling
from a tree branch 25-feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you
win...
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