Panic in the heartland, part 1: The
crisis begins.
Outside a Wal-Mart
(WMT)
in the small town of Geneseo, Ill., a 73-year-old woman buys a newspaper and
suddenly finds herself trapped when the door of the news rack slips closed and
catches her coat. Unable to wriggle out, she solicits a bystander to enter the
Wal-Mart and ask for help. A Wal-Mart employee comes out to explain that she
can't assist, citing a policy against tampering with the news rack.
Panic in the heartland, part 2: The
tense negotiation.
After
going back inside for a moment, the Wal-Mart employee comes out and tells the
trapped woman that she'll call the newspaper and have a representative come to
release her. The woman suggests an alternative solution: Somebody could simply
put two quarters in the machine and open the damn door. The Wal-Mart employee
rejects this out of hand, explaining that the store can't pay refunds for the
news rack.
Panic in the heartland, part 3: The
sweet taste of liberation.
Eventually the employee relents and puts two
quarters in the machine. Later the liberated woman's daughter visits the store
and gives her a $5 bill to be used strictly to finance future releases. A
Wal-Mart corporate spokesperson apologizes for the incident, saying, "This
is not how we do business."
We
were wondering why Florida's mailmen seem so well-adjusted.
In an apparent move to depress them further, about
300 Florida residents with a history of depression open their mailboxes to find
free samples of Eli
Lilly's (LLY)
new product, Prozac Weekly, along with a letter that enthuses, "We are very
excited to be able to offer you a more convenient way to take your
antidepressant medication." A class-action suit filed in July accuses Eli
Lilly, Walgreens (WAG),
a local hospital, and five doctors of violating the patients' right to privacy.
Further
alienating the young male alcoholic demographic that can be so hard to reach.
After
ABC announces plans for a new late-night talk show to be hosted by Jimmy
Kimmel, co-creator of Comedy Central's beer-and-breast-obsessed The Man Show,
a producer sends a memo to staff writers explaining the new program's
philosophy: "[The Man Show] was targeted very specifically to young
male alcoholics. This one will be much broader-based." During the
much-hyped post-Super Bowl debut of Jimmy Kimmel Live, a young audience
member vomits after overindulging at the show's open bar, which is shut down
before the start of the following episode.
Circumference = pi / (areola)2.
After
Penthouse prints nude photos it claims are of tennis star Anna Kournikova,
the woman actually photographed sues the magazine, which agrees to pulp 18,000
copies and pay an undisclosed sum. Explaining the gaffe, the photographer says
he believed he was taking pictures of Kournikova, based on the size of the
woman's nipples.
Those
special memories that last forever.
In May, a day after the announcement of possible terror
threats involving light aircraft, charter-plane company Wings Aloft flies
a Cessna over Seattle to spread the ashes of a Mariners fan over the roof of
Safeco Field. Instead of the elegiac dusting that was intended, the container
detaches from the Cessna, smashes onto the stadium's roof, and bursts into a
powdery cloud that prompts the mobilization of a haz-mat team.
In a bankruptcy filing, Kmart reveals a startling discovery: It seems that the 790 self-service checkout machines it has installed in stores throughout the country -- to the tune of $2.2 million a month -- have led to an increase in "shrink." (In other words, allowing customers to ring up their own purchases has made it easier for them to steal.) Kmart asks the court to let it wriggle out of its lease with GE Capital.