kitfox79: oye
imbutapawn: veh
imbutapawn: give me few minutes
kitfox79: cool...
kitfox79: brb
imbutapawn: i am trying to put something down on paper
imbutapawn: ok
kitfox79: back
imbutapawn: almost...
kitfox79: *laughter* at your leisure then
imbutapawn: i apologize profusely for the delay
kitfox79: nonsense
kitfox79: so what is it that you put on paper?
imbutapawn: thoughts that were going through my head
imbutapawn: every third or fourth word was 'run'
imbutapawn: i would, too
kitfox79: mmhmm. it's a good thing youre not a drinker
imbutapawn: but i am too tired
imbutapawn: what makes you say that?
kitfox79: oh, just that i have a feeling there are some loose bits in your head you'd like to not think about
imbutapawn: ha
imbutapawn: half right
imbutapawn: they're there
kitfox79: which is unfortunate, because theyre quite productive
imbutapawn: but i can't seem to stop poking around in the corners with flashlight trying to get them to come out
imbutapawn: i'm missing an article in there somewhere
imbutapawn: 'a'
imbutapawn: 'a flashlight'
imbutapawn: i need to be a little less critical of my 4am writing
kitfox79: what helps me is to sit down in the center of myself and put on some hot cocoa and tell my head "mmmm it's yummy. i have some to share to, if you'd like some"
imbutapawn: loose bits indeed
kitfox79: sometimes not cocoa tho... sometimes silly things like brusselsprouts, cause some parts of my head have weird taste
kitfox79: *laughter* 4 am writing, i agree, shouldnt be criticized
kitfox79: and damn... 4 am you say? wow
imbutapawn: i used to wake up in the morning, and have the feeling of complete emptiness - like my head, my soul, the entire world was empty. i would have to make up thoughts to start things moving, and at would make me wonder - behind it all, what's really there?
imbutapawn: existential dilemma
imbutapawn: yep
imbutapawn: it is that time
kitfox79: *nods* i love that feeling
imbutapawn: it scared me to death
imbutapawn: i would lay on the floor with the shower on just talking to myself
kitfox79: because it's like "oooh. yay. an identity. what shall i be today. what world will be fun to make today"
imbutapawn: it was always a good five minutes before i could open my eyes - a few more to stand up
kitfox79: *nods* the fact that you create your universe isnt what scares you matt
imbutapawn: see, i could never get my mind around it hat way
kitfox79: it's the fact you think you'll do a piss poor job
imbutapawn: that
imbutapawn: ha
imbutapawn: well, it's quite a responsibility
kitfox79: of course. but it IS our lot as people. and it wouldnt be yours if you werent capable
imbutapawn: are you telling me that every one of these kids that i pass on the sidewalk is capable of constructing a reality?
kitfox79: it's worse than that
imbutapawn: i mean, they may be capable, but does it count whether they take advantage of it or not?
kitfox79: not only capable, but most of them are sleepwalking thru the process
imbutapawn: i think some are window shopping for a pre-fab model
kitfox79: we can't help but create our worlds. it's what we do.....
imbutapawn: i feel like most people would rather leave it up to someone else
kitfox79: yes. most of them have been so ... denigrated.... that they dont even know that they have the choice
kitfox79: of course they would. that's what they've been taught from about three months before birth ... that they're not qualified to do their job
imbutapawn: have you ever tried to wish away a thought?
kitfox79: depends on what you mean
imbutapawn: wished that you didn't know something
kitfox79: if you say "thought.. go away" it wont
imbutapawn: i know
kitfox79: because youre giving it your attention
kitfox79: negative attention, but attention
imbutapawn: but do you ever honestly feel that you would be better off without some of your knowledge
imbutapawn: if your head didn't ask some of the questions it did?
kitfox79: thoughts go away if you say "oh. is that what you had to say. well... that's kinda tough for me right now, but i love you and thank you for the information"
imbutapawn: my mind doesn't listen to reason
imbutapawn: that's its problem
imbutapawn: but i'm not sure i would want it to
kitfox79: actually, your mind is emmintently reasonable
imbutapawn: that's what you see
kitfox79: it's the nature of minds to be reasonable. that's part of why they suck
imbutapawn: i don't think it is
imbutapawn: it is well ingrained
imbutapawn: and the only practical skill we really have
kitfox79: nah. that's how they get you to keep paying attention to them instead of doing anything
imbutapawn: but i think that a mind is merely infinite possibility
kitfox79: they're so damned reasonable that every time you want to do something they say "yeah, we'll work on that" and then they talk you into not doing anyting at all
imbutapawn: ha
imbutapawn: dialogue
kitfox79: you'd be suprsed
kitfox79: err, suprised
imbutapawn: i really felt like, if i ever let go, i would spin off into outer-fucking-space
imbutapawn: and wake up with a lithium drip in a major vein
imbutapawn: i definitely identify with nute
imbutapawn: nuts
kitfox79: *laughter* you know.. one ngiht i went insane for about half an hour
imbutapawn: sometimes i think that they just live a little bit closer to real life than the rest of us
imbutapawn: ha
imbutapawn: what was it like?
kitfox79: i honestly dont remember
imbutapawn: that's incredible
imbutapawn: i let myself slip from time to time
imbutapawn: intentionally
imbutapawn: i think i need that
kitfox79: yes. youre a nepenthe junky
kitfox79: *grin*
imbutapawn: never heard of it
kitfox79: in the oddesy
imbutapawn: more please
kitfox79: nepenthe is the name of the drug in the land of the lotus eaters that makes one forget everything
imbutapawn: ah
imbutapawn: alright
imbutapawn: i don't want to forget
imbutapawn: but i am stuck between two extremes
kitfox79: on the ngiht in question i had forgotten my identity. and then as it came back to me i was struck by the enormity of life in this world that i couldnt handle it
imbutapawn: i either want to know everything, or nothing at all
imbutapawn: it's the only way i could ever live with myself
imbutapawn: forgetting one's identity
imbutapawn: an interesting proposal indeed
imbutapawn: i've thought this one through before
kitfox79: fortunately a friend was there to remind me that the little victories made the enormity bearable
imbutapawn: i think that if you ever really lost it, you wouldn't be able to get it back
imbutapawn: bearable, but worth it?
imbutapawn: i'm no wrist slitter, i mean, i'm here for the long haul - but... you know what i am saying
kitfox79: actually... that was my fear.. that i might "go crazy" like forever
imbutapawn: i think the road back is more uphill
kitfox79: but "crazy" is just an identity anyway. and if people are capable of "going crazy" than there still in the game. just playing out the identiyt called "crazy"
kitfox79: and when i realized that, there was no reason to go crazy
imbutapawn: alright
imbutapawn: i can dig that
kitfox79: and yes. of course the hundred little victories make it worth while. they also make it damn funny
imbutapawn: i laugh at myself
imbutapawn: a lot
imbutapawn: i love that
imbutapawn: i am a decently funny guy
imbutapawn: as far as i am concerned
kitfox79: yes, youre a performer....
kitfox79: so are you gonna tell me what makes you want to run?
imbutapawn: shit man
imbutapawn: how about i send you what i wrote
imbutapawn: it actually wasn't on paper
kitfox79: that'll work
imbutapawn: and then i go to bed
imbutapawn: and you read it
imbutapawn: and then you go to bed
kitfox79: nuh uh
imbutapawn: uh huh
kitfox79: nope
imbutapawn: uh fucking huh
kitfox79: no fucking pe
imbutapawn: pe?
imbutapawn: what is that shit?
kitfox79: (nope but with fuck)
imbutapawn: alright
imbutapawn: i follow
imbutapawn: ok
imbutapawn: i give up
kitfox79: *laughter* and rightly so
imbutapawn: you want me to juggle flaming bowling pins too?
kitfox79: can you?
imbutapawn: i will learn if you will let me sleep
imbutapawn: but first
imbutapawn: here
imbutapawn: take this shit
imbutapawn: i don't want it
kitfox79: oh hell no
kitfox79: not that easy
kitfox79: i got my own shit
kitfox79: you get to be responsible for yours.
kitfox79: but i would like to read it i think
kitfox79: but not if it lets you out of the responsibility of speaking it
imbutapawn wants to send file C:\Matt\Me\Me, The Writer\what the hell is this.doc.
kitfox79 received C:\Matt\Me\Me, The Writer\what the hell is this.doc.
imbutapawn: well i never spoke it
imbutapawn: i thought it
imbutapawn: and shared that fact, but not its content, with you
imbutapawn: but now i have crossed that line
imbutapawn: so i will reap the consequences of my actions
kitfox79: *laughter*
kitfox79: dear boy
kitfox79: less on the drama
kitfox79: *hugs*
imbutapawn: thanks
kitfox79: i'll read later
imbutapawn: i have to remember to "keep it real"
kitfox79: sleep well sweetness. be nice to yourself
imbutapawn: as they say
imbutapawn: matt, why do i enjoy talking to you so much
imbutapawn: and where did you come from
imbutapawn: and who are you
imbutapawn: that's all
kitfox79: *laughter* did you ask penny about our name?
imbutapawn: oh no! i didn't
imbutapawn: i have to remember that
kitfox79: well do. and then you'll have your answer
kitfox79: and a great many more
imbutapawn: whatever it is, i like that we have it in common
imbutapawn: goodnight matt
imbutapawn: thanks for this
kitfox79: good night matt
kitfox79: vade in pace