I
Don't Need an American Express to Prove it!
I eat
standing up.
I drink leftover milk with graham cracker crumbs floating in it.
I eat the crusts nobody wants.
Once upon a time I had a stomach that didn't fall to the
floor.
Once I had hips that didn't serve as a baby saddle.
Once I even had breasts that weren't on call 24
hours a day --
and "will it show milk stains" wasn't my
criterion
for choosing an outfit.
If you emptied out my purse, you'd find:
diapers (new and used), a plastic bag of Cherrios,
a leaky Tommy Tippy cup, a handful of napkins from
McDonald's,
a sandy pacifier, a soggy piece of bagel, a bottle
of baby Tylenol,
and a rectal thermometer.
You know me.
I'm bleary eyed from being up all night
with a teething baby
and teary-eyed from worrying about a toddler that refuses
to eat.
I'm damp with baby drool, and I have oatmeal in my hair.
(I think my sweater's on inside out, but hey, at
least I'm dressed.)
I can't remember the last time I had a whole night's
sleep.
The only book I've read in the past 6 months is "Good
Night Moon."
I never get to finish a senten....
I love my husband, but (yawn) ...
zzzzzzzzzz.
Don't ask me if I've seen any good movies lately.
I have if you count the Little Mermaid, Pete Pan, and
Cinderella.
I know all the names of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
by heart, AND what
color each of them wears.
I say "Cowabunga, dude," when the pizza's
delivered.
I used to be reasonably intelligent,
pondering the deep secrets of the universe.
I spent many years in college preparing myself
for the great challenges of life.
Now I find myself wondering such things as:
If Bert and Ernie aren't related, why do they sleep in the
same room? And,
where are their parents?
I remember when getting together with friends
meant stimulating conversation about current events,
love and the meaning of life.
Now we talk for hours about the color of the contents
of our babies' diapers.
Should we go from breast to bottle to cup? Skip bottles
altogether? Which
is better, cloth or disposable? Pacifiers or thumbs?
Know any good potty-training tips?
Maybe you've seen me at church.
I'm the one with my skirt on backwards,
or the entire inner-facing of my dress hanging out.
In my rush to get everybody else dressed, I often
forget to check my own
appearance.
(Oh, I want to thank you for not laughing at my one eye
made up and my
other one bare. In the middle of doing my make-up, someone
emptied the flour
canister onto the kitchen floor and I never got around to
finishing my eyes.)
I know you don't know my
first name-- I don't have one anymore.
I answer to my child calling Mom, Mommy, Mama, or
WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
To be honest, I don't even remember my first name --
I've stop using it myself. When speaking, I simply refer
to myself as,
"Mommy."
"Mommy says to stop poking the cats ears."
"Mommy's ears can't hear whining."
"Yes, Mommy's wearing her angry face."
"If you don't stop kicking Mommy, Mommy's going to
lose it."
Maybe you saw me lose it one day in the Toys R Us parking
lot.
With one child kicking the back of my car seat,
and another one chanting "I wanna go to the park!
I wanna go to the park!" I lost it.
Slammed on the brakes andran out of the car screaming,
"Calgon take me away!"
The kids still refer to it as "the time Mommy went
cuckoo."
But I have my good days,
too.
Days when we get through breakfast
without Cream of Rice on the wall.
Days when the cat doesn't end up in the toilet.
Days when everyone takes a nap at the same time.
On those days I feel powerful. In control.
On those days, I can do it all.
I am MOMMY, hear me roar.
I can nurse a baby and cook dinner at the same time.
I can nurse a baby, read a magazine,
AND tie shoes at the same time. I can even nurse a baby,
AND talk on the phone, AND fold laundry
AND watch Oprah all at the same time.
You know who I am.
I'm a Mommy.
And I don't even need an American Express card to prove
it.
Parenting
Want Ad
If they wrote a help wanted ad for the job of parenting, who
would have the guts to apply?
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term team players needed for challenging permanent
work in an often chaotic environ-
ment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and
be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings
and weekends and frequent
24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required,
including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties
also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
Must provide on-the-site training in basic life skills,
such as
nose-blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict
resolution
and crisis management.Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the
box, because
you most likely will need it for a school project. Must reconcile
petty
cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and
resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than
me!" for the rest of your life.
Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and
adverse conditions while
simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict
resolution. Must be able to
choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to
withstand criticism, such as
"You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated
at least temporarily, until someone
needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack-mule and be
able to go from zero to
60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are
not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
stuck zippers. Must screen
phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-million
cheap, plastic toys and
battery operated devices.
Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit,
because fund-raiser will be your
middle name. Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to
answer questions such as
"What makes the wind move?" Must always hope for the
best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the
quality of the end-product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same
position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in
your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
Non required, unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The
oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you
actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid
holidays and no stock-options are offered, job supplies limitless
opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards
right.
Prison
versus Momhood
In
prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At home you spend most of your time in a 8x10 kitchen.
In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At home you prepare three meals a day.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At home their is no time off and rarely good behavior.
In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all the
doors for you.
At home your husband stopped opening doors for you when
you got married and
the kids only open a door when it's to the bathroom and
you're in it.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At home you get to scrub all of the toilets
In prison expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work
required.
At home you get to pay all the expenses, do all the work
and dream of a vacation in prison.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars
from inside wanting to get out.
At home you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
inside bars.
In prison you can watch TV in the rec. room
At home you can't find the TV because the kids wrecked the
living room.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and
psychotic.
At home we call them offspring.
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