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| Part 4 Although I had fed before I had come to spy on Daniel I suddenly felt cold. So cold. What had I wanted here, after all? Sneak into his dreams, steal forbidden kisses, drink from him and make him forget afterwards? No. You deserve better, Daniel. "If you love me only the thousandth part of what you claim you do, you'd give me the chance of living a life without you," he had said. "You would not follow me any longer .." And I wanted him to live, even if it would kill me. Ah, but there's little that can kill us, isn't it? Fire, the light of the sun -- but who's ever heard of a vampire who died of a broken heart? Ridiculous! Absurd! Self-pity doesn't become me -- is this a farce or what? A tragedy in the end? But I do not need him. I do not need anyone! I swallowed hard, wishing it was true. Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself to get up from the side of the bed where I had sat all the time wrapped up in those devastating bitter sweet memories. "So this is good-bye, Daniel," I whispered silently. "At last". I looked around the room memorizing all its tiny details of mortal homeliness, the fading quilt, the simple fireplace, the books on the shelf, as if all these objects held a mystery I could not fathom. Finally, I raised myself from this trance. But when I was about to get up I felt a warm hand close over mine. "Don't go!" I was startled. "You're awake?" "Yes, I've been awake for quite a while now. Didn't you sense that? Didn't you read my thoughts?" "No. Remember, you've forbidden me to read your mind," I retorted, but the truth was all this time I had been so occupied by my own thoughts, that reading his simply hadn't occurred to me. Slowly, Daniel sat up on the bed. His hair was tousled and sleep was clinging to his movements still, but his eyes were wide awake. "So you've come at last ...", he stated and it was hard to judge from the tone of his voice whether he welcomed this or not. "Daniel, I'm sorry. It was a mistake," I replied hastily, wanting to get up again, but he didn't let go of my hand. "I regret having come here at all, I realized that while sitting here, watching you sleep and thinking about all that we've been through. We've been playing this game too long and it almost cost you your life already ..." "Yeah, I will never forget that night in Lhasa," he nodded pensively and looked away from me. "I was so desperate then," he continued, tentatively at first. "I believed I couldn't stand it any longer. But I've thought about all this, too. I've had time enough these last months, there's not much diversion in this little village. Ah well, in the beginning I was too tired in the evenings to think about anything at all. I wasn't used to such hard labour -- or to regular daily routines any more. And then I had to struggle with the language as well, the French I learnt at school wasn't exactly what I needed to get along over here." I had to smile. "I can imagine what the local people must have thought in the beginning about this crazy American!" He chuckled. "Funny isn't it? That's what they call me, "l'Américan fou". But I won their respect when they started to realize that I wouldn't give up so easily, that it wasn't just a foolish whim wanting to stay on this farm. That I actually wanted to learn all you can possibly learn about growing wine and that I was really taking it serious. Believe me, Alain and his family they're wonderful, they're good friends to me now. No, it's more than that. It's almost as if I belonged to their family." "So you're happy now?" "Yes. I am content like I haven't been for a long time." He glanced at me and for the first time he smiled. "Because here I found some peace of mind at last. As I said, I've had a lot of time to think about everything. Especially about us." "About us?" I shook my head in disbelief. "Do you think there can be an "us" after all that's happened?" My voice must have sounded bitter, resignedly, but this made no impression on Daniel, who went on confidently. "Yes, I think so. That is -- if you still want it." "Daniel, I don't know what to think of all this. It was you who said, if I'd love you, I'd let you go so that you can find back to life again, to a life without me. And obviously you've found a new place in life. Just look at you, you look healthy again like you haven't for a long time and it seems you've finally found your balance." "But Armand, I believe you misunderstand everything that I'm trying to tell you!" "So what are you trying to tell me then?" "First, I'd like to know one more thing from you. Why did you come here?" "I came because ..., "I paused. Oh, this was too hard! It was as if my lips were sealed. I tried to avoid his eyes. He sat closer to me and put his arm around me. Instinctively, I wanted to back away, but I remained instead and sat still, rigid like a stone statue. In the end, however, I made up my mind: this time, for a change, I would speak up. I inhaled deeply. "It was agony without you," I finally uttered, hardly audible. "I missed you ... terribly". "And I missed you," he plainly stated and his eyes were opened wide now, clear and unperturbed. "Not the blood. Not the ticket to immortality. But simply you. My very own demon. My beautiful dark saint ..." I closed my eyes, but it was too late already. A burning liquid began to obscure my sight, and little rivulets came running down my cheeks. "You know very well that I'm no saint," I murmured croakily. "What else do I have to do to you to convince otherwise?" All the horrible fights we had paraded before my inner eye, the never-ending misunderstandings between us. I couldn't help but think of another Daniel, with an ashen face, an eerie gloom smouldering in his violet eyes, half-mad and desperate and drunk, accusing me and despising me, and I felt as if my heart was bursting into a thousand pieces. What was it that made me hurt him again and again? Why was I trying to destroy the one and only who had ever loved me? "Ah, but you are," Daniel said softly and a faint smile played on his lips. "I think I'm beginning to understand now why you don't want to bring me over. It's not out of cruelty. Or to scorn to me. It's because you firmly believe that's what's best for me. Answer me, am I still idealizing you or is it true?" I blinked at him through a purple haze. Oh, it was so good to see him again, to be that close to him and listen to his voice that was so wonderfully familiar. "Yes," I nodded. "I know it would be wrong ... and utterly selfish if I brought you over." I touched his shoulders slightly. "But I don't want to lose you. I love you, Daniel." There, I had said it -- and it summed up everything. Despite the things had happened during all those years, it was the truth nevertheless. "And I love you," he breathed and traced the bloody trails on my cheeks with his index finger. "I do. And because of that I will not press you any longer to give me the gift. I'll renounce." Faint shivers ran through my body, when he slowly began to kiss away the bloody tears. I swallowed again, trying to hold down the emotions that were welling up, all of a sudden feeling so very cold again, while my heart was all but burning, burning like a dried-up bush in the desert, crippled and full of thorns, suddenly set on fire. Finally, I felt his lips close on mine, softly, gently. And in this kiss there was everything: love and sadness, but forgiveness, too, and hope. Tenderly he laid his hand on the side of my face and said: "If we were both mortal, you and I, what guarantees would we have that we could stay together all our lives, that we could grow old together." He smiled melancholy, shaking his head faintly. "There are no guarantees," he murmured. "Not even that our love would last forever." His voice a sigh against my lips, he went on. "Still people fall in love everyday, not knowing what the future will bring them, whether they'll be able to spend a lifetime together happily or only some weeks ..." "Or eternity," I added miserably. Daniel moved away from me a bit and took my hands in his like he had done so often when he was about to explain something to me. And when I looked into his eyes, that vibrant lavender I loved even more than the blues of a sunny sky, I saw nothing but sincerity -- and trust. Seeing him like this, unbroken still, strong and invincible, but at the same time so vulnerable in all his mortality, almost broke my heart. "Believe me, this was the hardest thing for me," he said. "To accept that you would not bring me over. In the beginning, when Louis told me the story of his life, I didn't really believe it could be true. But when it began to dawn on me that immortality actually could be an option, I became blind to everything else around me. No wonder, it's a dream as old as humankind itself. To gain eternal youth people would sell their souls to the devil. As I was prepared to give my soul away to you in return for the gift. No humiliation was too gross for me, none of your sadistic whims too hard for me to endure when I hoped that it would bring me closer to my goal. A goal that seemed almost at my reach." I flinched imperceptibly, closing my eyes in distress for a short moment, remembering those incidents, when a pervert craving had made me test how far I could go with Daniel, how much pain and humiliation he would take to please me. And Daniel could endure quite a lot, believe me; he's a strong character and so it was more than once, that I did go too far with him. As if I owned him, as if he was nothing but my slave. "However, I've freed myself from that obsession," Daniel said calmly. "It's not that I would not care any longer, but I've come to accept that you won't do it. And I won't try to blackmail you a second time. No, don't shake your head, it was a kind of blackmail when I tried to end my life that night in Lhasa. I wanted to force it -- I've come to realize that in the meantime. But on the other hand, I'm not willing to be treated like I was just one of your pets." I looked at him for a long time. His eyes met my gaze steadily, unwaveringly. And then I laughed, shaking my head in pure delight. "My God, Daniel, you never cease to amaze me," I exclaimed. "You're exceptional! In the old days I would have incinerated the members of my coven right on the spot if they had spoken to me like this!" "Yeah, the good old days, Mr. Coven Master," Daniel sniggered, his voice soaked with irony. "But they're over now -- this is 1982 and mind you, I'm not one of your pitiable acolytes. Not any longer!" "So what do you intend on being now, Mr. Molloy?" "Good question - what about ... your lover?" "My utterly unselfish and absolutely independent lover," I teased him. "Oh, but I'm very selfish," he whispered seductively and sat on my lap, wrapping his long legs around me, facing me while he drew me in for a kiss that never seemed to end. Hmmm, the taste of his lips ... In that instant I realized how much I had actually missed him all those months. How could I have ever let him go? "I want you to love me," he sighed between kisses while his hands crept under my shirt." And to drink from me." "You know this is a tempting offer, caro." I purred. "Are you really sure ... you want this?" "Ah Armand, be done with talking!", he interrupted me, kissing his way down the side of my throat. So how could I possibly resist him? I no longer wanted to resist him or run away from him. With one quick move I lifted him and pushed him down on the bed. And all of a sudden I knew I needed him as much as he needed me, that I must have him and touch his warm skin, feel him, taste him. In my haste I ripped his t-shirt apart, the fabric splitting with a short sharp sound, and that drove him wild, absolutely wild. While starting to unzip my jeans he claimed my mouth roughly, running his tongue over my fangs. He shouldn't have done that, that was too much for me, so I bit down on his tongue in return, savouring his rich blood, that heavenly elixir that almost made me swoon against him. I wanted him so badly then, I could have taken him right there, but I drew a few drops only. Something held me back. "So tell me, Daniel," I interrupted him breathless. Ah, we were both panting, and only looking into his face that was slightly flushed, the vein on the side of his throat pulsing violently while he clang to me, writhing in my embrace, all that was enough to drive me mad, the desire to possess him fully cresting and rising in me with each unnatural heartbeat. "What?" he gasped, his eyes, the darkest violet, half-closed, glazed with want. I moved on top of him fully and held his arms above his head, pinning him down on the bed with my vampire strength. "Do you want me back, caro mio?" I enquired, licking the side of his throat languorously, caressing the little indentation at the base of his throat with my tongue. "Yeah, I want you," he breathed heavily, sensuously sliding his body under mine. And how could I not notice that he wanted me, when I felt his delicious hardness straining against me. "I know ... I can't live with you ..." "But also not without me," I retorted mirthfully and while I still held him down with one hand I pulled down his pyjamas pants with the other. "Armand ..." he moaned - ah, so much desire in that exclamation -- but he never finished that sentence. He closed his eyes, my prince. And with what was left of my conscious mind I made a promise to myself: this time, I would not hurt him nor torture him, I would cherish him as long as I could have him and as long as he would want me. I would set up a beautiful palace for him where we could live together, our very own Villa of the Mysteries, high upon the cliffs above the sea ... Letting go of his hands, I ran my fingers over his quivering flesh, his face, his chest, his sides down to the sharp hipbones, before I got up to rid myself quickly of all remaining pieces of clothing. Immortality is an abstract concept, I mused. This is here and now. Here lies my love waiting for me, stretched out before me in all his heartbreakingly fragile mortal splendour. What is all of eternity against a moment like this? Daniel sighed again as I knelt down between his legs, touching his thighs, opening him for me, cautiously, my fingers coated with my own blood. "I need you," Daniel groaned, pulling me towards him. "Now!" "And I need you," I answered, drawing him nearer, closing my arm around his leg and bringing it up to my shoulder. I laid the side of my face against the inside of his leg, revelling in the softness of this touch, kissing that delicate spot, savouring each second of this precious moment in time. "I need you so much!" A sweet small cry escaped his lips when I entered him and began to ride him, painfully slow at first, if it was pain that distorted his features, and I held him close, drinking up his sighs as I would soon drink up his very essence and his hands were like claws at my back, urging me frantically to work him harder and deeper. And when he was on the verge of coming I sank my fangs into his neck and instantly the images came tumbling down on me: golden leaves under a bright blue sky, the smell of ripe apples, the low sounds of wasps and bumble-bees humming in the afternoon air, bright asters and immortelles, a light breeze rustling in the grass. We were both in this autumnal garden, under a canopy of trees, the warm light of the afternoon sun enveloping us, and we were laughing cheerfully, falling down on a soft damp bed of coloured leaves, listening to the Hesperides' songs, lost to the world, lost in kisses ... And there were no more yesterdays and no tomorrows. We were together. And nothing else mattered any more. The end |