I still remember the night I first saw her.
In the shades of the giant Redwood Trees she was walking, a willowy nymph, gracefully moving in the darkness like a fleeting shadow, rich tresses rippling down her slender back. But only when she came to a clearing I saw the colour of her hair, a mysterious vermilion, shimmering and shining in the pale moonlight.
She was a newborn fledgling then, rescued from the threshold of death and brought into this new existence only a short time before, but due to her maker vested with powers that most probably surpassed even those of the eldest amongst us.
Jesse.
I was mesmerized.
I couldn't turn my eyes away from her.
Secretly, silently I followed her to the heart of the forest, all the time wondering how to pluck up the courage to leave my hiding-place and address her. But when I was just about to step up to her, I suddenly realized that she was not alone.
Her laughter had betrayed her, a silvery laughter, reverberating in the stillness of the midnight forest. And I stood transfixed, watching how a tall male figure embraced her from behind, his hands moving up her front, exploring her soft curves, fondling her nipples until they clearly stood out from under her tight dress. Hasty fingers pushed aside her wild mane, exposing the delicate curve of her ivory throat, and then he bent over her and started kissing her neck. A little cry escaped her lips when he pulled her closer and immediately I understood why. He drank from her.
I turned away the moment she closed her eyes and surrendered.
That was the last glimpse I caught from her. In all the years to come I couldn't ban that image from my mind. Since that enchanted moment under the Redwood Trees I was wondering how it would be to gather her in my arms, to touch that soft skin of her, to drink from that milk-white throat ...
But every time I met her after that, and I did see her now and then when the coven would gather at one of Maharet's places, I didn't dare to speak a single word to her, lest my language might betray my secret longings.
And I was so afraid how she would react. What she would say if she found out.
Don't get me wrong, normally I'm not that shy, I can perfectly stand my ground. But with her it's different. When I see her my mind goes blank and I forget all the well-chosen words I have thought up before. If I opened my mouth in her presence, I'm sure, I would start stuttering and stammering like a love-sick teenager. Ridiculous, isn't it? Not exactly the kind of behaviour you'd expect from a creature as old as me ...
So instead of taking my fate into my hands, I would only watch her from afar, caress her with my glances and hope for a miracle to come.
You can easily imagine then, that it was like a miracle for me, when I finally spotted her again many, many years later. By chance I came across her on one of my late night wanderings, in a small private park, the London hustle and bustle only a few steps away from this peaceful little enclave behind high intricate wrought-iron fences.
She was sitting on an old stone bench, enveloped in a voluptuous grey cashmere coat, her arms wrapped around her knees. And while some autumn leaves were circling around her in the wind now and then, she looked up at the stars, musing, humming a tune in a low melodious voice.
When I discovered her there my heart skipped, stood still, and then started beating again wildly, uncontrollably. I draw in a deep breath. This time, I would not step back.
With one fluid movement I crossed over the fence and materialized next to her.
"Good evening, Jesse".
She turned her head, surprised for a short instant only, and flashed me a beautiful smile.
"Hello, Pandora. Good to see you again!"
Although I aimed to shield my thoughts as best as I could, she, of course, perceived my sudden rush of shyness. Ah, there was this awkward feeling again, damn it, I always sensed whenever I was near her. Looking down on my feet, I swallowed hard.
"What's the matter with you?" she asked in a voice full of sympathy, patting on the place next to her. "Come on, sit down."
"Thank you," I uttered barely audible, still avoiding her eyes. Although I'd fed that evening already and was nowhere near week and faint, I felt like I was going to pass out any minute.
"Hey, hey," she said, closing one arm around me. "What has happened to you? You do look sick."
"Ah, that's nothing," I breathed. "It will pass. Probably, I'll better go now and seek my hiding place."
"But it's hours away from dawn and I won't let you go away while you're still in that state".
"I can assure you, I'm well used to looking after myself," I responded, perhaps a little sharper than intended.
She backed away instantly. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to sound condescendingly. I'm sure you know very well how to manage - after almost two thousand years.
But what I wanted to say is that I'd regret it, if you left so soon already. During all those years I've known you, I've probably spoken no more than ten words with you. But you have always fascinated me. Child of the Millennia! It makes me dizzy to imagine that you walked the streets of ancient Rome, lived through the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, and after that you even became a goddess in the Far East! There are so many things I'd like to ask you!"
I sighed. And there were so many things I didn't tell Lestat and David when they wrote their books. Terrible things I wouldn't want to tell anyone. My time as a goddess, for example. What a lie! What a travesty that title! To the miserable uneducated mortals I seemed a goddess, but in reality I was nothing but Azim's prisoner, a vulnerable subject to his cruel whims and desires.
At that time nothing was left from my former strength, the centuries had it washed away, imperceptibly, but incessantly. I couldn't resist him. I was helpless in his iron grip, when he held me down and drained me. And it wasn't done in love, not at all. Only to prove that he could do with me whatever he wanted and whenever he wanted it. Merely thinking of it, made me feel that pain again, that horrible pain I felt when he took me against my will.
And that is something, they left out from the books as well, claiming vampires couldn't have sex. I wished it was so. I so desperately wished it!
"Pandora, what is it? Tell me!" Jesse had taken both my hands and looked at me, her sea-green eyes questioning.
"I can't tell you," I answered almost inaudible. "I simply can't".
"I know I'm only a child compared to you. But I would really like to - help you. It makes me sad to see you like this."
"Well, I didn't want to disturb you. I'm sorry. I'd better go now." I replied, getting ready to rise again, but she still held my hands, very lightly, not holding me fast, only to let me feel by clasping my hands that she did care.
"Why do I always have the feeling that you are running away from me every time you see me?"
I blushed. "I'm not running away, but ..."
Jesse smiled. She was so smart. She saw through my pretences without even reading my mind.
"Could it be that you still believe it would be a crime to - fall in love with another woman?"
"Why? Why do you say something like that?" I mumbled, my voice shaking. These modern fledglings had an attitude to refer to even the most intimate details with an openness that I found quite unsettling.
However, that Jesse reacted this way shouldn't have surprised me so much as I had been present once when she and Daniel had taken fun in discussing - in detail - the modalities of getting body piercings, whereby body really meant all parts of the body. Louis had left the room rather abruptly then, coughing slightly, his ears tinged faintly red.
Now why did this episode suddenly come to my mind, while I was sitting next to her, trying to avoid those green unperturbed eyes - and those obstinate queries. But Jesse wouldn't give up so easily:
"Answer me, please. Is it true or not?"
Hic Rhodus, hic salta, I thought, took my heart so-to-speak in my hands and jumped.
"Yes, it is true." I finally replied reluctantly. On the one hand I was relieved that I had finally voiced or at least started to express what I felt for her, but on the other hand I felt ashamed and indescribably stupid.
"Lovely Pandora," she said, considerately pulling the fake-fur tippet of my coat a little closer around my face, for it was a chilly night with an ice-cold wind blowing through the trees. "But that's, I'm sure you know, nothing to be ashamed of."
Despite the cold I suddenly felt all warm and woozy inside. "But I thought, I was sure that you and Mael ..."
"Yeah, Mael," she said and wrinkled her nose at little. "It was fun while it lasted, but then, one day it was over. I have no idea where he is now or what he does. I only hope that he's alright. We didn't part on bad terms, you know, he'll always have a special place in my heart."
I looked at her, amazed. Modern women have a way to show off their independence that never ceases to astonish me.
But when I look back over the centuries to a time when I was a young woman myself, was I so different then? I was educated like a man and equally self-confident. A young patrician from a neighbouring family who at that time often came to our house to visit my father had to deal with that more than once. Especially in later times he was entitled to the privilege of putting up with my illustrious fits of wilfulness. Oh Marius, when I think of our legendary quarrels ...
"Good to see you smile again," Jesse remarked warmly, reaching out again to tuck a strand of my long hair behind my ear. "Whenever I met you I was wondering why you were so sad and miserable and monosyllabic. If I could only make her talk to me, I thought then. If I could only make her laugh again. She must look so beautiful when she laughs."
"Oh Jesse," I shook my head vehemently and felt like laughing and crying at the same time. "You, you can't imagine what this means to me. That you speak to me like this."
"But maybe I can," she answered and looked at me, her mouth smiling, but her eyes serious, questioning. She hesitated, but for a second only, and then she kissed me on the mouth fully.
No man's lips had ever been that soft, that sweet. Light as a feather was her kiss, gentle, pure bliss. I felt myself melting against her and in that very instant I knew that she would never hurt me and never force me.
It was like a dream when she was kissing me, her lips caressing mine so tenderly, and I was so enchanted that I hardly kissed her back, I just held still and wished she would never stop.
Only too quickly, she withdrew only and looked at me again, apparently very pleased with what she saw. And I had to smile as well.
"Why, that's impossible! There are still faint traces of the freckles you once had, here on your nose, on your forehead and on your cheeks," I marvelled in surprise, covering her face with little light-hearted kisses.
"Nobody's perfect, my lovely. Not even we," she laughed quietly. But for me she was perfect and when her lips closed on mine again I realized that I had been waiting for this all time long.
The End
