Beautiful Stranger by Ina-chan
First Posted Online: April 23, 2002
History: First Ayame Introspective Fic

/I have many regrets in this life
Meeting you
Marrying you
Bearing your children
But perhaps… my greatest regret is…/

               There is a reason why children should listen to their parents and go to bed when they are told. Because when adults believe that there are no children around, adults say things that children are not supposed to hear. Things that children start to believe as truth.

But still…

Still…

I loved her dearly. Even though she didn’t give me… or him… or any of us… her affection, I still loved her dearly. Even though she was often cruel, I still loved her dearly. Even though she hurt all of us, I still loved her dearly. ‘That person’… Hahaue… Mother…

She wasn’t always like that. He would probably just shake his head in protest and disbelief if I told him this. After all, he didn’t have a lot of memories of her. And the ones that he did have were memories laden with pain. But I know that she wasn’t always like that.

When I was little, I saw photographs of her younger self. Photographs of her and Chichiue when they were young and in love. Both of them looked so happy. She was smiling… laughing…  She looked like an angel, with her long and beautiful silken hair.

But now…

Now…

That image in the photograph almost seemed like another person.  This light-hearted, carefree, beautiful stranger who simply shared her face by coincidence. Somewhere along the way, she changed. That beautiful stranger changed into this hard, cold, lifeless person.

It must have been painful for Chichiue to see her change. It came to the point that he couldn’t be in the same room as her… he couldn’t even bear to look at her. I remember it all. At first, they fought and screamed and threw things at each other.

And then…

Then…

They stopped talking to each other. They would be in the same room and not even look at each other. The times we suffered together were long, unbearable, deafening silences.

Everyone said that I looked a lot like her, you know. And later on, when he was born, so did he. Maybe that’s the reason why Chichiue couldn’t bear to look at me. Or him. And her? That person? Hahaue… she acted as if I didn’t exist. I didn’t blame her. After all, with how I am… WHAT I am… I didn’t blame her. But still, it didn’t hurt to do what I did. Copying her younger self in that picture. It was a rather childish idea…

But I thought…

I thought…

Somehow, I thought I would remind her of that person… and she would smile again. And Chichiue would be able to look at her again. And look at me as well. If I did everything they wanted, they would accept me. If I was good and obeyed all their wishes, they would see me.

But then…

Then…

Then a miracle happened. At least in the beginning, it seemed like a miracle. It was that time when she was waiting for him to be born. For that moment, she looked hopeful… happy… almost like that beautiful stranger who shared her face in that photograph.

But…

But…

He was born too early. He was born two months too early. And that beautiful stranger finally died.

/I really wanted for this marriage to work
I thought a new baby…
I hoped a new baby…
…a normal baby…
…would give us another chance…/

I shouldn’t blame him. I really shouldn’t blame him. He was just a little innocent baby after all. It wasn’t his fault he was born just like me. It wasn’t his fault at all. It wasn’t his fault just as it wasn’t my fault that that beautiful stranger went away in the first place.

 But still…

 Still…

  She hoped. She wished and hoped. She wished and hoped and tried so hard… and just by being born… he disappointed her.

/So… its still alive.
No.
I don’t want to see it.
I don’t want to touch it.
I don’t want to hold it./

             He disappointed her and hurt her.

/So what, if I’m being cruel?
How can you expect me to bear it?
To hold it in my arms and see it turn into…
…turn into some… creature?/

            He disappointed her and hurt her and made her sad.

 /It’s in pain…
It’s suffering…
With every breath it takes, it’s suffering
I can’t hold it thinking… knowing…
That it could die in my arms at any moment…/

            He disappointed her and hurt her and made her sad and made her suffer.

/I can’t go through feeling that again…
I can’t… I can’t… I can’t… I can’t…
Not again… not again… notagainnotagaiannotagian…/

             He disappointed her and hurt her and made her sad and made her suffer.

            Again.

/It would have been more merciful if it died/

             That would have been more merciful.

/It would have been better if it weren’t born/

             That would have been better.

 /It would have been for the best if it didn’t exist/

             That would have been for the best.

             You see, that’s what she wanted to be happy. So in my mind, he stopped existing. It was easy. So for the sake of hoping to get a glimpse of that beautiful stranger once again, I forgot him. I even forgot his name. It seemed very strange to forget your own brother’s name. The person I trusted looked at me in disbelief. The person I admired turned away in sad anger. Another person even cried in sorrow. But for the sake of seeing that beautiful stranger once again, I would sacrifice everything.

             And yet still…

             Yet still…

             Still…

             She didn’t return, that beautiful stranger. No matter how hard I tried to be good and to be obedient to all their wishes. Still standing in her place was this hard…

/So what?/

…cold…

/So what if you’re just a tool?/

…lifeless…

/YUKI!/

…angry person.

/DON’T DO THAT!
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
DON’T DO THAT!!!/

………

 Perhaps…

 Perhaps…

 I was actually jealous of him. Even though he disappointed her, even though he hurt her, even though he made her sad, even though he made her suffer again… and even though she was always angry with him and would always hurt him… I was still jealous.

 Because…

 Because…

 At least in her eyes he existed.

/I have many regrets in this life
Meeting you
Marrying you
Bearing your children
But perhaps… my greatest regret is…/

            There is a reason why children should listen to their parents and go to bed when they are told. Because when adults believe that there are no children around, adults say things that children are not supposed to hear. Things that children start to believe as truth.

 /My greatest regret is falling in love with you./

 OWARI

Authour’s squawk:

          I have no idea what came over me with this. I normally steer away from this stream of consciousness crap, but I was just staring at this pic of Mine comforting Ayame… and for some strange reason, this just popped in my head. It’s very weird. I don’t like this fic at all, but I’m glad it’s finally out of my system.

  Ja!
Ina-chan