The Sky as Seen from a Small Window by Ina-chan
First Posted Online: September 19, 2004
History: My First fic to write Akito as a girl, and 2nd attempt with how Yuki ended up living with Shigure scenario

            In the end, it all comes down to the matter of perspective.  I admit it was rather amusing in a way. How a single thing can mean differently from one person to another simply because of the slight difference in point of view.

Like the sky for example.

Look up in the sky on a clear day and describe what you see? A vast sea of azure... clouds... the bright sun... Then look up in the sky on a clear night, and what do you see? A vast sea of shadows brightened by the moon and littered with powders of sparkling diamonds. Now look at the same clear heaven in the day or night, but with the perspective of only seeing a piece of sky from a small open window...

             “Ne, Yuki... let’s play a game.”

             Whatever season it may be, whatever time of day or night it may be... the view of that piece of sky forever remains the same.

             I remember... somewhat... though not very clearly.

 I think it was still winter. Though it was slowly ebbing away to make way for the spring. The view of that small piece of sky from that window was a constant unchanging routine. I neither knew the time of night or day... nor cared. All I knew was that during the day, sky was a clear and bright white, reflecting the frozen wasteland below. During the night, the pale light of the moon and stars illuminated feebly, as if fighting against the vast darkness that was trying to swallow it.

             “You. Are. So. Pathetic.”

             Her voice always started as a whisper. It was a secret between the two of us. What she did and what she said was our secret. But even though she spoke in a voice that only the two of us can hear--- her tone was laced with amusement and the triumphant peal of laughter. She would skip and dance and twirl around me, her light footsteps pattering almost soundlessly. Like a predator circling around its prey and waiting for its chance to take the kill.

 That’s how I discovered that the corner of a room opposite the door was the safest place to be, contrary to popular belief. You may be trapped, but at least everything that happens would happen in front of you. No surprises, no hidden attacks.

             That day, I got careless. I sat directly in front of that window to watch my piece of sky. She didn’t come as soon as I expected, though I knew that she was going to come eventually. I lost track of time, and when I realized she was there, it was too late to run to my safe corner.  

It really was pathetic.  

I already asked myself why I keep doing this. But then again... all this time, the passing view of day and night of the piece of sky outside my window were the only real changes I could see.  I already lost count how many times light overpowered the darkness and the darkness swallowed the light. It really didn’t matter.  No matter how many times the view looking out from my window changed, the view looking in never changed.  

            Gloom...  

            Shadows...  

            Darkness...  

            It was almost as if light feared to cross over the border marked by my window sill to touch the silent unmoving figure seated on the floor just across it.  

            “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? You like to wallow in absolute misery and self-pity. You’re like ‘Look at me, I’m so miserable. Nobody loves me. Feel sorry for me. Please love me...’ Poor, poor, poor Yuki.”  

Her voice giggled childishly, with her hands folded primly over her chest as she nestled herself comfortably on the floor, using my lap as a pillow.  

“You really are pathetic.”  

            She gazed up at me, knowingly and unblinkingly. I hated it when she looked at me like that. That particular look of hers has no trace of malice in her face. As much as I hated to admit it, it was better when she was doing things like this to intentionally to hurt me --- or to make me do what she wanted.  At those times... I could easily dismiss it as a casualty of one of her “bad days”.  

But when she looked at me like this...  

...with that unblinking knowing look...  

I knew there was no chance of running away.  

You can’t run away from the face of the blank, simple and honest truth.  

“You finally asked her the question like I told you to, didn’t you?”  

She had that innocent smile. The one she makes when she cocks her head to one side to wait expectantly for an answer that she already knows. There was no need to say anything. So I said nothing. I can only meet her gaze with my own blank stare, trying to ignore that tiny indignant whisper that nagged at me from the back of my mind.  

“It’s written all over your face. You asked her if it was true and now you know the truth.”  

That whisper started to nag more insistently and became harder to ignore. So I started concentrating the victorious smirk curving her thin lips. Most of the time, her lips formed a thin hard line... but during moments like these, when she mocked and taunted, they curved and looked like the delicate pink petals of cherry blossoms.  

            The whisper from the back of my mind, however, also spoke the truth. I wanted nothing more in the world other than to reach out to touch those cherry blossom petal lips...  

            “You stood in front of her and asked her that question. But I know better. I know the real question that you were really asking.”  

            ...to touch them and to snatch those delicate pink petals...  

            “The real words you left unspoken...”  

            ... snatch those delicate pink petals  and hold them in my fingers...  

            “Mommy...”  

            /Mommy.../  

            ...hold them and slowly tighten close my fingers to form a fist...  

            “...am I...”  

            /...do you.../  

            ... to crush it...  

            “...just a tool?”  

/...love me?/  

...and crush them again and again...  

“How did she answer, Yuki?”  

 ...again and again and again....  

            “Did she give you the answer you wanted to hear?”  

            ...until I could feel those soft delicate petals crumble in my fingers...  

            “Or did she answer exactly how I told you she would?”  

            CRUSH HER UNTIL SHE BLEEDS.

             “Hmmm...? What’s wrong, Yuki? Are you crying?”

             The sudden change of tone in her voice silenced the whisper from the back of my mind. I was forced to stare back at her eyes. Her eyes grew wide as they stared back at me with the expression of mock surprise.  

A clear liquid bead hung in mid-air in the small space between us for a few moments before landing square on her forehead. She didn’t move as it rolled to that space between the bridge of her nose and her left eye... then another drop of moisture landed on her cheek. I couldn’t stop them. They fell one after another and another and another... until it seemed like she was welcoming the warm drops from a gentle April shower--- my tears flowing down the contours of her face, claiming them as her own.  

“How long are you going to do this, Yuki? Do you actually believe that her feelings will change if you acted like this? Do you think her motherly affections would suddenly wake up if you acted like a pathetic wounded animal? Do you still hope that she’s going to turn around and come back for a poor little crybaby like you?”  

Since there was no way to stop them from falling, I stayed still. Her unsympathetic tone were nothing more but salt on a wound. Upon realizing that I was not going to play her game willingly, she sat up before me, making those annoying clucking noise to demonstrate her sympathy.  She hugged her knees. She rested her chin on her knees and watched me silently for a few moments.  

“She’s not going to change, you know. No matter what you do, it won’t work. That woman sold you, remember? The only reason she’s even still talks to you was because of the things she’s getting out of the deal she made. They’re evil creatures... mothers. Your mothers--- every single one of them...”  

It’s part of the game.  

She stared at me silently, waiting for the reaction she expected.  

I won’t close my eyes. I won’t look away. I won’t lose this time.  I won’t let my fears get the better of me. Block her voice. It’s part of her tactics. She knew how much I hated it when she talks like this. Her words were often sharp and painful. The held the edges of the awful truth that I didn’t want to accept--- words that called those dark feelings of loathing and hatred that tried hard to keep buried deep inside of me. That boiled and threatened to spill over right through the tight lid I carefully kept over to seal them in.  

“Didn’t I tell you that she would never accept an abomination like you?”  

She enjoyed every single moment of this. She enjoyed sensing another person’s pain. She never showed shame in exploiting it. And for her final blow, she would reach out for the kill with a sweet smile and a gentle touch that almost screamed of maternal kindness  

“If your own mother can’t get herself to love you because of your curse, do you really think anyone else ever will?”  

Somehow, I managed to keep myself from flinching instinctively when she reached out to wipe away the trails left behind by my tears with the sleeves of her yukata. Somehow, I managed to keep my expression from betraying my feelings as she cupped my face to keep me from turning away from her.  

I won’t lose this time. I don’t want to lose ever again.  

She leaned closer and kissed one formerly tear-streaked cheek. She pulled away far enough show me another victorious smile before bending forward to kiss the other cheek. Without another word, I let her wrap her arms around my neck, and allowed her to pull my unresisting body into a warm and comforting embrace...  

...and hated myself as my affection-hungry body betrayed my will, and allowed myself to be held like a small child being rocked to sleep.  

“I’m the only one who can hold you like this so you might as well accept it.”  

What was supposed to be a soothing Mother’s whisper was a harsh rasp as her warm breath brushed against my ear.  

“I’m the only one who can ever love something you.”  

She pulled away and once again made that sweet smile, though her eyes bore into mine with a deadly expression. Another one of the looks she made that I always hated. The one that looked as if she was daring me to defy her--- that look which always woke the sleeping fear deep within me... and with great shame, I instantly felt its strong tendrils wrap around me and take a hold of me like invisible strings on a marionette.  

“Admit it. Say that I’m right.”  

She won. And she knew it. As I felt myself nod in agreement, my trembling body acting on its own accord, a living doll obeying the will of its master. She kept on smiling, tenderly tucking the stray strands of hair from my eyes behind my ears.  

“Now, say that you love me back. And that you’ll stay with me, by my side, forever and ever.”  

I closed my eyes in defeat, as once again, my head nodded to the will of my invisible puppeteer.  

“Not that way.”  

My eyes snapped open at the sound of her voice. She cupped the sides of my face as if to stop my actions, and I found myself looking at her slightly irritated face.  

“I want you to say it. Say it out loud. Say that you love me and that you’ll stay with me forever.”  

Dread started to spread through my chest at the sound of her request. I opened my mouth and willed my voice to parrot her words... only to stare at her in horror upon realizing that my own words only fond themselves trapped within the confines of my throat.  

She raised an eyebrow and another amused smirk touched her delicate cherry blossom lips.  

“What’s this? So what Hatori said was true... Poor little crybaby Yuki lost his poor little crybaby whiny voice? Hmph! You actually think that I would believe something like that? Think again, Yuki. I know you’re just faking. Stop this nonsense and do as you’re told. Say it.”  

Somehow, I knew exactly that was what she was going to say and how she would react. I opened my mouth again, attempting to obey her... or attempting to defend myself... but once again, my throat refused to obey the commands of my body to release my voice.  

Her eyes narrowed, a frown furrowed over her forehead, and her cherry blossom lips started to thin and form an angry line. She suddenly reached out and roughly held my face, as if attempting to pry my jaw open. My hands instinctively flew out to hold her wrists. My fear started to get the better of me, so I impulsively closed my eyes. It was the only thing I can do, other than to make the vain effort to silently will her to go away.  

“Say it, Yuki...SAY IT!  

 She was very angry now. I could feel her displeasure with how she would tighten her grasp a little bit at a time to emphasize each word of her command. The faint metallic taste of blood filtered through my senses.  

“SAY IT!”  

It was at that point that I realized she was no longer whispering. Her voice was shrill with frustration, with a touch of desperation. I forced myself to open my eyes, and once again saw the image of her face glaring down at me.  

“SAY IT!!!!”

 But...  

For the first time that I realized that amidst her scary angry scowl, there was a definite hint of panic... fear... in her eyes. It was as if the world was going to end if I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. It was only then that I also realized that she can say whatever she painful words to hurt me, or slap me, or hit me to force me to do her bidding... but there was no way she can completely control me.  

My words were mine alone.  

My thoughts and my feelings were mine alone.  

No one... not even her... can force me to give it away freely without my own will.  

I probably smiled at the thought, or maybe she sensed what I was thinking. The next thing I knew, she roughly pushed me down on the floor, straddling me.  

“Ne, Yuki... let’s play a new game.”  

Her hands shifted her grip from my jaw to wrap around my throat.  

"Let's see which one is stronger. Your stubbornness... or me."  

With that, she tightened her hold on my neck.  

I wasn’t exactly sure what happened next. I think I didn’t care what I was doing anymore as my fear and my survival instincts took over. I struggled and clawed and pulled and kicked and even tried to scream until the darkness of the room completely swallowed up my consciousness. The next thing I knew...  

Hatori was prying my hands from her throat and Shigure was carrying her away to safety.  

“Yuki is mean! He’s so mean! I was just trying to help!”  

A feeling of uncontrollable rage overpowered me as I tried to run after her... to crush those lying cherry blossom petal lips just as what the whisper from the back of my mind told me. The tight lid that sealed my feelings couldn’t hold back those awful dark emotions of hate and loathing. I don’t know what I would have done if I did manage to get to her.  

Fortunately, Hatori was a lot stronger than me. He held me in a tight bear hug to hold me back and to soothe my indignant fury.  

I didn’t see her again after that. From that point on, my imprisonment within the four corners of my bedroom was no longer out of my own will. My mother would not allow anyone else to see me as part of my punishment. Haru managed to successfully sneak in once in a while, they were never long enough to be counted as visits. The only view I saw for a long time was the constant changing routine of the piece of sky from my bedroom window.  

So Shigure’s sudden appearance was more than just a big surprise.  

“All this simply because you stubbornly wanted to go to that school...”  

There was a hint of amusement in his voice as he shook his head in exasperation. I started to get annoyed. My older cousin’s bluntness was an unintentional cruelty. But it was just as bad as the malicious way she plays with me. I didn’t even know why he came in the first place. Like my brother, he never showed any interest with even being in the same room as me in the past.  

“Still not talking, huh? You know, the only reason why they do this to you is because of this passive aggressive attitude of yours. You have to say what’s in your mind more assertively.”  

This whole situation taught me that words have no meaning when there was no one around to listen to you in the first place.  

“You already showed that you’re capable of fighting back when push comes to shove. But, you really did it this time. Everyone’s really pissed off. Akito’s still traumatized by the whole thing. I had to resort to threats just to make Auntie into letting me in to see you.”  

But unlike her, his form of cruelty forced me to think rather than shrink away in fear. His voice seemed uncharacteristically serious at that moment. You didn’t have to a genius to realize that when Shigure says something in this tone, he usually has a hidden intention behind saying it.  

“So is all this worth it?”  

Was it worth it?  

This entire mess started all because I wanted to go to a different school from the one they chose for me. With how things were going, chances are... I probably won’t go to school at all. In the end, I would probably live and rot, imprisoned in this cage for the rest of my life just as how I was fated to live from the beginning. But somehow, the idea that I went down fighting and kicking and almost killing her in the process appealed to me.  

Of course, it was all worth it.  

Though I didn’t say it aloud, Shigure probably sensed my answer based on my silence. Maybe it was because he was the dog. He could probably sniff out the truth behind things regardless of how hard you hide it. But I was getting tired. My long isolation had somehow made the mere presence of another person standing near me a mental strain by itself. I just wanted him to go away and leave me alone.  

             “Ne Yuki... would you like to leave this place and live with me for a while?” 

            I don’t think his words registered in my mind right away. When it finally did, I don’t think I believed what I heard right away. I lifted my head and found him standing over me, looking down at me with an impassive serious expression that you would normally see on Hatori’s face. I started to nod my head when he shook his head in disagreement.  

            “No, that’s not good enough. I can’t take you away from your mother unless you say that this is what you want. Crying or getting violent is not going to help you this time. You have to say it out loud.”           

            Shigure may not be malicious as her, but he was just as cruel.  

            “Show me how strong your will really is.”  

            He stood there expectantly for a good while, giving me more than enough time for the chance to say it. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force the words to leave my throat. The only thing I could let out were my tears of frustration. He probably thought that I was making it all up too. But I wasn’t. I was really trying very hard. Why isn’t that good enough? Why couldn’t he see that? Why can’t any of them see how hard all of this was for me?  

            He closed his eyes and let out a sigh of disappointment. With that he slowly turned around and started to make his way out of the room. Panic automatically flooded through my entire being as I watched him leave. I quickly tried to get on my feet to chase him, only to stumble and fall on my knees. But the action was enough for him to stop and turn back to me with a start. I reached on and held on tightly to the hem of his yukata as if my very life depended on it.  

            “....tss...kshks...tsskch....”  

           He stood still, waited, and watched me with my internal struggle. I was starting to get angry again. With my situation... with how my own body was going against me... with how he just stood there and watched like an idle bystander. It wasn’t fair at all! None of this was my fault. I didn’t ask for any of this. So why did I have to suffer?  

            “Yuki.”  

            His voice was uncharacteristically patient and gentle, though the expression on his face didn’t reflect the sound of his voice. He looked more annoyed and irritated, without any trace of sympathy for me at all.  

            “Stop trying so hard. Just say whatever you want. No one will punish you for thinking what you think or feeling what you feel.”  

            I don’t know why. But hearing him say that felt as if a dam inside of me broke.           

            “...take me... away... from here...”  

            Without another word, Shigure pulled me on my feet, only to have my knees buckle weakly under my own weight. He frowned but said nothing as he effortlessly picked me up in his arms, just as he did with her at that time and carried me away against my mother’s vehement protests... away from that dark room with the window that only gave me a view of a piece of sky... away from her.  

            It was spring now. The cherry blossom festival was still in full swing. School started almost a month ago. All that happened at that time, from that place, now seemed like a distant dream or a bad memory... until today that is. Something happened today that made me think about it. And sitting here, I couldn’t help comparing how different the same vast blue sky seemed from Shigure’s yard to how it looked from the window of my dark room.  

            “What happened in school today?”  

            Hatori’s quiet voice inquired curiously as he started to take out his tools from his black bag for my monthly physical examination. While the deal was that I was supposed to go back to the main house once a month for a check-up, Hatori always came to visit me at Shigure’s house instead. There was something inside of me that still felt weary of Hatori, considering what happened in the past... but at the same time, there was something about Hatori that makes you feel that you can trust him. No matter what happened in the past.  

            “There was a girl who was pulled out suddenly during class... I think her mother died or something.”  

            Hatori nodded silently as he warmed the stethoscope in hands before pressing it lightly on my back.  

            “Deep breaths... Why does that bother you?”  

            I shrugged. It didn’t really bother me. Though it was a little strange why I suddenly remembered what happened at that time, now that I think about it.  

            “I don’t know... I guess I was just thinking what it would be like if that happened to me.”  

            Hatori nodded again as he switched to listening to my chest sounds from my front.           

            “So the idea of your Mother dying is what bothers you.”  

            This time, I frowned upon hearing what he said and suddenly knowing something that I probably shouldn’t be thinking about in the first place.  

            “No... its more that... it’s bothering me more to realize that if Mother died... I probably won’t feel sad at all.”      

            Hatori stopped, not bothering to hide his surprise. He studied me for a moment, and simply looked at me, as if encouraging me to further explain what I said. But there really was nothing more to say. Other than it was a little frightening for me to feel that way. And it was just as frightening to realize that I would actually say something like that out loud.  

            “I’m a horrible person for even thinking that, aren’t I?”  

            Hatori quietly put away his things as he shook his head in disagreement.  

            “I would be more concerned if you said that it didn’t bother you for thinking like that.”  

            This time, it was me who gave Hatori a surprised look. But he didn’t explain any further what he said either. He simply stood up and put a hand over my head.  

            “Next time, I won’t tolerate you missing another appointment just because you didn’t want to return to the Main House.”  

With that, I was once again left alone to look up at the sky from Shigure’s open engawa to ponder...  

            How in the end, it all comes down to the matter of perspective.  

~OWARI~  

AUTHOR’S SQUAWK:

             It’s been a while since I wrote a serious fic... I’ve been having too much fun with my silly ones! ^_^. Anywayz, this fic is inspired from chapter 98... which confirms my conviction that Akito is merely a poor spoiled little brat. Of course, chap. 98 reveals that Akito is really a poor spoiled little brat crying out for Mommy who was too crazy to be there for her. I thought it would be an interesting twist to add on to why she tortures Yuki (and Kyou) like this.  

And yes, I’m aware that officially in the story, it’s really just the 4 older jyuunishi who knows Akito’s real gender. But I played with the idea that Yuki knows as well, simply with the fact that Yuki pretty much grew up with Akito. I mean, he lived with her ever since he was six or seven years old. That’s more than half his life! ^_^.  

And also, I want to emphasize that the fight between Yuki and Akito is an embellishment of the situation. It was true that Akito constantly emotionally tortured Yuki (especially when he shows hints of developing a backbone), it was true that Yuki became depressed and lost his ability to speak after the incident with his mother when he asked to go to a different high school, and it was true that Yuki was put in “house arrest” with strictly no visitors during that time in his life... him fighting with Akito was not the reason behind it.  

 I just wanted to make sure that people knew that. I’ve had a few private e-mails asking me about backgrounds on characters I made up for fics (which were apparently so convincing) that people assumed them to be canon. <sweatdrops>           

Ja!
Ina-chan