Title: Life is Funny
Author: deanwhytes
Rating: PG
Spoilers: This directly talks about occurrences in "The Gift", so if you haven’t seen that, don’t read this.
Pairings: S/B
Feedback: Yes, please! (dean@theslayer.net)
Distribution: Sure, just e-mail me first. (see Feedback)
Disclaimer: Standard blah, blah. Buffy, et al, are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. I own nothing in here, except maybe the plot, and even that could be stretching it.
Summary: Buffy reflects on the aftermath of "The Gift".
Author’s Notes: Okay, so the whole "The Gift" aftermath thing has been done nearly to death, no pun intended. I just wanted to throw my bit of aftermath out there. This basically takes place sometime during S6, though nothing definite. It’s kinda angsty, with a small light at the end of the tunnel.
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Life is funny.
I mean, take for example the aftermath of my death. Giles picked up my body and deposited it in Spike’s arms. Spike! Of all of the gang there, Giles trusted my lifeless body to Spike. Then he raced off to get his car and brought his precious midlife-crisis-mobile into the rubble to retrieve Spike, my body, and the remnants of the Buffybot. Guess they couldn’t leave any traces behind.
Xander took everyone else to the hospital, as well as Willow, who refused to leave Tara’s side. She needed her then more than ever. When they came back, Spike was still holding my body as he had been ever since Giles brought him back to the shop. The only time he let go was when Giles forced him to so he could treat Spike’s injuries. But no sooner had Giles stitched the last stitch than Spike returned to holding my body, crying over it as if that would somehow breathe life back into it.
They were all in some state of shock. Spike actually wanted to kill himself. He was always the suicidal one. I remember that after he got that chip in his head, he tried it then but we wouldn’t let him. And they wouldn’t let him do it after my death either. Believe it or not, it was Xander who kept a constant vigil over Spike until Dawn was able to convince the vampire that I wanted them all to live for me, including him.
Life is funny.
The gang buried my body privately. They repaired the Buffybot and used it in my place to keep all the baddies from thinking there wasn’t a Slayer around anymore. But then they still did a spell to bring me back. Willow was convinced that they had to have me back. There was an agreement though. The Scoobies agreed not to tell Dawn, Spike, or Giles about their plans; they just wouldn’t understand, and no one wanted to get any of their hopes up since they all had taken my death the hardest.
I still can’t believe how hard Spike took my death. I would have never let anyone know, but I believed he truly loved me. Some small part of me had always known. I think it hurt too much for me to recognize. My ignorance of his love and my treatment of him…I will regret that forever. Heh. Me, regretting how I mistreated a vampire.
Life is funny.
But then the spell worked, and I came back. All I wanted to do was die all over again. The afterlife was so much better than this one. This one, where I could never stop fighting to save the world. You know what kept me going? What always kept me going? Exactly what Spike told me a year ago: my friends and my family.
To be perfectly honest, Spike really helped the most. He has known me best, despite what anyone else will say. And for some reason, I can’t lie to him. I can try, but he knows when I’m lying. I guess it takes one to know one. Except he doesn’t really lie to me. He hits me with the harshest truths. Those are worse than any lie. They’re facts. I can’t deny them. To deny the truth is to deny oneself. I won’t deny myself any longer.
Life is funny.
I go out every night, praying it will be my last. Begging to end my torment. And yet, I’m still here. I still fight. I won’t go down without a good fight. Sure, I could just give up and give in to my death wish. But I don’t. No matter how much I don’t want to go on, I don’t give out. I have tasted death, and I want more, but I just can’t do it.
Spike watches me incessantly. He thinks I don’t know he’s there, but I do. He can see my death wish in my eyes. He knows it’s there. And he knows that I know. That’s why he watches me. I think he doesn’t want to lose me again. I don’t think he can. If I died again, and he did nothing to try to stop it, if he failed again, there’s nothing in the universe that could stop him from killing himself. And I don’t want that. I wouldn’t want to live in a world without Spike, just as Spike doesn’t want to live in a world without me.
He still blames himself for my death. I’m back, and he still blames himself. I don’t want him to blame himself. Sacrificing myself that night up on the tower was my choice. I wanted it all to end. I wanted everything to just stop. And I still want it. And he’s still here.
Life is funny.
Wanna hear something silly? One of the last thoughts that went through my mind while I was in the portal was something that Spike said. That very night at my house, he said, "I’ll be here." He said other stuff, but that was the last thing that I thought. "I’ll be here." And guess what? He is.
Spike, the vampire that’s in love with me, the Vampire Slayer, is still here. I always knew he would be. And what’s stranger than that? I always wanted him to be. He’d never leave me. Now, I won’t let him. I need him. Why? I need him because I love him. Maybe someday, before I die again, I’ll be able to tell him. What a mess. Me…in love with Spike.
Life is funny.
The End