Title: Shell of a Man
She sat by the grave for a long time, contemplating, Her mother had
actually liked Spike, which was more than she could say for Angel. She
noticed pain still came with that name and love too; just as it did with her
mom. But she was a different person now. She'd grown up and even though
she'd never forget them, she couldn't let the people from her past haunt
her. Strangely, it was Spike who'd been the one to make her realize this.
Standing Buffy made her way back the same way she'd gone the night before,
remembering the stillness that had changed to chaos so quickly. She reached
the spot where Spike had saved her life and saw the place where he'd lay
bleeding on the ground. She noticed some areas were still stained with the
blood, so she kept her eye out for vampires who would be drawn there. It
wasn't until she reached the very edge of the grave he'd lain on that she
saw something resting lightly in the grass. Bending over she plucked it from
the ground and read the words that lay there.
I know in the past I've caused you pain, and I'm sorry. And I'll always be
sorry, 'til the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding, because I
should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand, because it isn't
you. I even hate this letter, because it's not the whole truth. Because the
whole truth is. . . so much more than a letter can even say. If you wanna
hate me, go ahead. If you wanna burn this letter, do it. You could burn
the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell -- I'd go, if you
wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there.
Spike
Buffy stood stunned. Feet frozen to the ground, hand in midair, thoughts an
indecipherable jumble. But one abstraction stood out against the others,
flooding her mind with dreams and fears.
'You could tell me to go to hell - I'd go, if you wanted me to.'
In any other circumstance she might have seen it as a subtle dig at her
expense, an effort to dredge up painful memories and bitter goodbyes.
Except, in this moment she didn't consider it for a second. Instead, she
looked beneath the words, as he had asked her to, and for the first time in
her life she found the answer she was looking for.
Pulling her rain slicker closer to her Buffy hurried from the cemetery, not
sure if she was doing the right thing but not caring either.
----------------------------------------------------------------
The sun streaked tantalizingly through the crypt doorway. Stepping out into
it was always a distant prospect, a simple solution, but it was one that
Spike could never force himself to complete. For once his unlife had meaning
and even if it ate at his insides he wasn't about to give up on it for one
short moment free from his torment. Spike stepped away from the light and
plopped down in his worn out sofa chair, turning on the television to the
latest "Passions" episode. Attempting to soak his sorrows in it's
redundancy.
How pathetic had his unlife become?! He used to be the Big Bad. William the
Bloody! He'd paint the town red (literally) with Dru at his side. Now he
moped around his two-bit crypt all day, whining about the Slayer. Spike
watched on the telly as Miguel jumped into the pits of hell to save Charity.
He knew he would do the same if the Slayer was in her place. In fact he sort
of had - he had risked his life to save hers. Not that it mattered now. She
was gone, running scared like she'd done her whole life. And he was kidding
himself if he thought she was coming back.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Buffy stood outside of Spike's crypt. She had practically raced over there
but now she hesitated. What was she doing here? It was just a letter, it
doesn't change anything. Yet she couldn't help but feel that it did. That it
changed everything. Things were starting to make a strange sort of sense,
that she hated to admit existed. Buffy had felt it before, after they were
attacked, and before. Of course she had pushed it away, but it still lay
there under the surface and when she did finally let it out, for that one
glorious moment, she didn't know such perfection could exist. But it was
wrong. (She knew it wasn't). Spike was evil. (She knew that wasn't wholly
true). He was a killer! (But wasn't she?) She didn't love him, of that much
she was sure.
'Then why do you trust him so much?' The pesky thought snuck it's way into
her subconscious and as hard as she tried she couldn't push it away.
Restless from the pent-up emotions, Buffy paced in front of the crypt
doorway, contemplating. On the one hand Spike was a vampire. She was
supposed to kill vampires, that's what a Slayer did, especially when said
vampire had tried to murder her and her friends not so long ago. On the
other hand though, he had also risked his life to save hers. It seemed
illogical to make excuses for him but since when was she logical?. He had
saved her life. Out of a false sense of loyalty or because he loved her.
Didn't that put him on the not likely to want to kill her friends and family
list? Then there was the fact that his eyes could pierce her soul in a way
that no other person's (or vampire's) ever had. And there *was* that body. .
.
Buffy smacked her head in frustration 'Ooooh! Bad thoughts. There shall be
no thinking about a certain sexy blond vampire sans clothing!' Lecturing
herself she tried to shake the thoughts away but they were stubborn and
settled in nicely, right next to all the other unwanted ones.
She finally decided she may as well go in. She'd conceded that there *was*
something between them but she was still unsure of so much and she wanted to
take it slow. Very slow. 'What was it going to hurt to just talk to him,
anyway? At least to thank him for saving my life.' That's it. She would
calmly go in, thank him, discreetly return the letter and leave. It couldn't
be that hard.
Spike turned off the episode of "Passions" after realizing he hadn't heard
a word his favourite characters said. What he need was a nice snack, but
there was no blood in his fridge. Grumbling he stood up, pulling his shirt
off on the way, as he went to fetch a clean one before heading to the
butcher shop. He was startled by the Slayer storming in, a look of
determination on her face.
Astonished as he was that she was there he definitely wasn't prepared for
what came next.
"Slayer, what are you doing here?"
She ignored the question, or didn't hear it, as she looked him up and down.
Finally she settled on his eyes with an almost predatory stare. The next
thing he knew she had grabbed him to her and her lips were attacking his
with blind passion. Spike didn't know why she was there but he wasn't about
to let this opportunity pass so he simply pulled her closer to him and let
her light coat him once again.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Buffy felt Spike's arms tighten around her and through the passionate haze
she felt her doubts resurface. This wasn't what she had planned at all. She
was supposed to be calm, in control, say what she needed to and leave it at
that. Be discreet she had told herself. Well what she was doing now was
anything *but* discreet. She was practically screaming 'Take me now!'
'Not that that would be such a bad thing.' Buffy's face flushed at the
thought, or maybe because she could feel him rapidly hardening against her
stomach. She didn't know what had made her lose it like this. Actually, she
did. She'd been somewhat calm and in control when she had first walked in.
But the stupid, unjust poor excuse for a vampire had to be standing there
all bare chested and perfect. Looking like some white marble statue, except
without the loincloth. 'Oooh! Loincloth - now that's a nice thought.' She
mentally berated herself again, 'Bad Buffy! Thou shall not have erotic Spike
thoughts.' All of this was all his fault anyway. How was she supposed to
resist him when he didn't have the decency to not walk around half naked?
'Damn his vampire sexiness! Why couldn't I just go for a normal guy for
once?'
As Spike's tongue plundered her mouth, Buffy felt a haze coat her doubtful
thoughts. 'Screw it' she decided. 'I'm *not* giving this up. I'm not going
to waste time contemplating questions that I'll never be able to answer. And
I'm not going to keep talking to myself like I'm schizophrenic when instead
I could be ravaging Spike's sexy ass on his crypt floor.'
With that argument won Buffy allowed herself to fully enjoy the feeling of
him pressed against her. Of course it was at this same moment that he pulled
away. She looked at him confused until she noticed his eyes were fixed on
her hand. And the crumpled letter that she still held.
~*~
"Where did you get that?" he asked angrily trying to snatch the paper from
her grasp.
"It's addressed to me," she replied holding it out of his reach. "So unless
you're hiding another Slayer on the side. . ."
Spike sighed, exasperated. "It doesn't matter that it was written for you.
You weren't supposed to see it." He was embarrassed still, remembering the
things he'd said, the weaknesses he'd shown.
"Why not?" Buffy asked obviously confused as to why he would write her a
letter, such an amazing and painstaking one at that, if he hadn't planned on
giving it to her.
"Because it doesn't make any difference what I say or don't say! What I
think, or feel, or do. We can't happen. I know that now."
"But I thought - "
"You were right okay? How about we rub some more salt in my bleedin'
wounds? I am a pitiful excuse for a vampire! Of course you don't want me. I
don't know why I even try. I mean you've basically told me to bugger off
every day since we met and I just keep coming back for more. And then the
one time. . . the *one time* that I decide enough is enough, guess who shows
up at my door? With a letter I wrote no less. . ." Spike ranted on before
stopping as he realized something. "Why *are* you here anyway?" he asked
looking at her with a glassy blue stare.
Buffy fidgeted slightly, looking slightly nervous.
"I just. . . I want to know if it's worth it." The words fell out of her
mouth as Spike looked on in confusion.
"If what's worth it?"
"Everything." she said and than gestured between them with her hand. "This.
Us. All the things that would come with it."
"You mean are *you* worth it." he stated and her obvious agitation as she
avoided his gaze surprised him. "I don't know Slayer. Are you worth every
second of my day? My dreams? My every thought? Worth losing my heart over?
My life? My mind?" he exclaimed, angry that everything he was saying was
true.
She frowned slightly and he noticed the hurt in her eyes before she forced
it back. "Well, I guess that's my answer."
"What?" he asked suddenly confused. Didn't she get what he was telling her?
Spike flinched when she glared at him in annoyance.
"I'm not worth all that!"
He took her chin in his hand to bring her eyes back up to his. "No, maybe
you're not." Her eyes saddened and she tried to pull away but he held fast.
"But you're a part of me now and I can't change that. I don't want to try."
"But I thought you said. . ." she trailed off, unsure.
"Forget what I said. I was trying to do the noble thing by letting you go
but it doesn't work like that. I can't get you out of my head, no matter how
hard I try. You mean too much to me."
His heart soared at the hopeful smile she gave him and it would have
skipped a beat, if it had a beat in the first place. He felt like such a
poof but he knew she needed to know how he felt, and he had to show her that
he understood her in a way Angel, or Riley never did. So that when she made
a choice he'd know it was for him. He still didn't know how she felt and he
needed to.
"You know what? I'd give you the world if you asked for it. I'd give you
anything, everything, if you let me. But I know you don't need that from me.
You're strong - you don't break. I'm not going to take that from you. I
*like* that about you. But I do want to be there when you need me. I just
want to be with you period. . . But -" his tone saddened, "You never let me.
So what exactly do you want from me Slayer?"
"Spike, that's what I've been trying to tell you. All that I want right now
- is you."
"Yeah, I think talking is overrated anyway."
Tilting her chin back up to meet his gaze, Spike pulled the Slayer closer
to him, crushing her body up against his before his mouth descended on hers
again. Their lips melted together, nearly bruising each other with the
brutal intensity of their kiss. All of the stored feelings that had been
pushed aside for all this time came forth while their tongues tangled
together, and their arms wrapped around each other tighter. Flesh against
flesh, lips against lips, it felt more right than anything she had ever
known. This time she didn't let herself question it, she allowed herself to
enjoy the sensations that only he could give her.
'If ever there was a Heaven, this would be it. I don't think that things
can get any better than this.' Buffy thought as Spike's hands roamed her
body, pulling her closer to him all the while. When she had to pull away to
breathe, his lips crashed into her neck, nibbling, kissing, sucking in a
powerfully gentle frenzy. 'Okay, I lied. Maybe it gets just a little bit
better....'
Briefly pulling his lips away from her, Spike let his hand flutter across
her belly while he stared deep into her eyes, giving her a questioning look
to be sure that she wanted everything that he did. She nodded, gazing at
him with desire filled eyes, and lifted her shirt off, followed by her
pants. Spike stared in awe as she exposed one inch of her succulent body at
a time. Her eyes never leaving his, Buffy stripped until the only thing
separating the two of them was too much clothing on his part.
"You, sir, are wearing entirely too many clothes." Spike laughed at her coy
smile and immediately both of them went to work remedying the situation.
Finally they were both standing naked and Buffy shivered involuntarily, but
not from the cold. Spike pulled back and looked her up and down, his eyes
moving agonizingly slow over her body.
"Cor, luv, you're so beautiful," Spike murmured. His tongue grazed her
shoulder while he lightly stroked the soft curves of her hips, and she let
out a low whimper at the sensation. He slowly rose his hand up to her
breast, cupping it in his hand before softly rotating her rosy nipple
between his thumb and finger. She arched into his hand, looking around the
crypt for somewhere for them to get more comfortable. Understanding what
she wanted, what she needed, his eyes sought out what she'd been looking
for.
Scooping her up in his arms, he continued to rain kisses all over her body
as he laid her down on top of his duster, trying to keep her as comfortable
as possible. His head began to travel down Buffy's body, leaving a trail of
velvety kisses across her breasts and down her stomach. His hand found its
way between her thighs and he inserted a finger, nudging at her wet passage
slowly at first, but gradually increasing in tempo. Her hips thrust up into
his hand, and when his thumb reached out to gently rub her nubbin, her need
for him grew to an insatiable frenzy.
Flipping him onto his back, Buffy gave him a small smile. He looked at her
questioningly, hoping that he wasn't moving too fast for her, but soon all
doubt vanished from his mind when her warm mouth began smothering his body
with sensual kisses. Her lips covered every inch of his body, from the scar
on his eyebrow to the tips of his toes. As she kissed her way back up his
legs, her hand reached out to grab his shaft, stroking it gently at first,
but moving faster with every one of his grunts.
Cupping his balls with one hand, and running her fist up and down his cock
with the other, Buffy slithered further up his body until her mouth was
positioned where her hand had once been. Spike let out a hiss of pleasure
when her warm lips wrapped around his throbbing member, her tongue swirling
around it. She engulfed it, letting it slide into the back of her throat
and moving back until only the tip was in her mouth, over and over again.
The vampire reached his hand around, and started pumping his fingers into
Buffy, loving every sound that emanated from her mouth. Both of them moved
faster as their urgency grew, hips thrusting and moans increasing by the
second.
His fantasies couldn't even compare to the reality of her mouth sucking him
into ecstasy. At that moment, Spike would have sacrificed anything just to
be with her. He would happily keep the chip, never again watch 'Passions,'
and make a habit out of doing community service if that meant that Buffy
would be his to ravage every night.
'But if you don't make her stop, mate, there won't be anymore ravaging
tonight.' As much as he didn't want to, he gently raised Buffy's head up
until she was no longer wreaking havoc on him. She looked into his eyes,
and wordlessly answered his question, just through the gaze they shared. He
looked at her and one last time made sure that she was ready.
"You don't have to do this, you know."
~*~
"Happy to oblige, pet," he said with a characteristic grin as he positioned
his quivering member at her entrance. Pulling her mouth to his, the vampire
gently entered her, losing himself in the feel of her warmth around him. He
slowly thrust in and out of her, making sure to be gentle, so as not to hurt
her. The look on her face showed anything but pain though.
Her thoughts flowed freely as she gave herself to him. 'Now this is what
I've been missing! The way he sounds, the way he moves, and the way he
tastes. . . His touch, his feel, his caress. . . Everything about him is
just. . . perfect. He's perfect. And, God, did I mention that body?!'
Her smile grew as she wrapped her legs around his waist, and their bodies
slammed together mercilessly, her thoughts dissolving into waves of pure
sensation. Their feelings had grown beyond desire, or ordinary hunger; they
had grown to a carnal need. They pounded into each other even more
intensely, and his mouth descended on hers again. Her moans began to grow
into shouts, and Spike could feel her walls start to quiver around him.
Trembling, he pulled his mouth away from hers, studying her intensely as
she began to climax, until he felt himself start to go over the edge with
her. With a shout of her name, he shot his cold seed deep inside of her,
while her hands grasped his ass, still lightly pushing their bodies
together, not wanting to lose the feel of him inside her.
While her breathing started to calm again, Spike lowered her onto the
duster, gently combing her hair back with a calming sweeping motion. He
gave her a final kiss on the forehead when he felt her breathing slow to
sleeping form, and wrapped his arms around her to join her in their dreams.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
When Buffy woke a few hours later, the first thing she noticed was a
decidedly hard body pressed against her. The second thing she noticed was
that she was lying on a not so soft surface, surrounded by the scent of worn
leather, sweat and sex. It should have been unpleasant. . . It wasn't. She
lay for a long moment waiting for the fear and uncertainty to grip her but
surprisingly it didn't. All she felt was hazy tiredness and a happiness she
wasn't often familiar with.
She turned slowly to face the sleeping vampire beside her, careful not to
wake him. His hair stood on end, completely different from his usual gelled
back look that gave him an aura of the bad boy, an arrogant vampire not to
be messed with. And although always gorgeous, right now, as he lay naked
(she had to take a detour in her thoughts with that sight) with his arms
wrapped around her, he exuded pure sexuality.
Combing his hair back with her fingers Buffy noticed his face held the
knowledge of a man three times that of the age he appeared. Sure, on a
normal day he did a good job of faking it, but she knew he was smarter than
he seemed. He'd already taught her so much. Which was just mind-boggling to
her because of what they were supposed to be to each other and had just in
the last year gotten past.
So that's why, strange as it was, she hadn't been as surprised as she
should have been when he became an honorary Scoobie. What had surprised her
was the love. Vampires weren't supposed to love, at least not ones without a
soul. They weren't supposed to watch 'Passions' or eat flowering onions like
there was no tomorrow or sing in cemeteries or write the most touching of
letters or make her weak in the knees with just a smile. And *that*, she
realized as she brushed her hand across his alabaster skin, was what he
taught her more than anything. He showed her that it wasn't enough to see
the evil and eliminate it. She had to be sure that that's what it was. She
didn't control the universe, she didn't decide where and how the evil came.
. . or how it didn't. She was the one whose job it was to distinguish the
demon from the man, even if both resided in a single body. Like when Giles'
was a demon, or Willow, or Xander. . . or Spike.
'Good deeds done by evil people are still good.'
The thought rested in her subconscious bringing new answers. She leaned
back against him, her head tucked under his chin, just soaking in the moment
as she gazed at his simple beauty, until he began to stir minutes later.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Spike opened one eye and groaned. He was still in some pain from the
Knights attack and what he had been doing last night hadn't helped much.
Then, as his thoughts focussed and he remembered just what it was he was
doing last night, a slow smile stretched across his face.
"What are you smiling about?" he heard Buffy ask and he opened his eyes to
see her resting on her stomach looking down at him with her chin rested on
her hand.
"You." He replied reaching up to play with the little strand of hair that
had escaped her messed-up ponytail and was falling in front of her face. She
gave him a big smile and any little insecurities he was feeling melted away.
"Do you think you might consider getting a bed?" Buffy asked him as she
winced at the hardness of where they were laying. Spike smiled a wickedly
sexy grin at her.
"But Slayer, I thought you liked it hard." Buffy glared at him and changed
about seven shades of red before she smacked him on the chest.
"Spike you are just as much of a pig now as you always were and you know I
still have a stake in my coat so I'd watch what you say." Spike laughed
knowingly.
"A stake, eh?" He leered at her and watched as she fought not to laugh.
"Kinky."
Buffy faked a glare as sat up to go to her pile of clothing, not realizing
how non-menacing the action looked considering she was still as naked as the
day she was born. Spike watched with comfortable amusement as she returned a
moment later, spinning a stake in her right hand with ease.
"I guess I'm not the only one who likes it rough then, eh, Mr.
Stake-me-please?" Crawling up to him, she straddled his lap pressing the
stake ever so carefully to his chest.
"Luv, I hate to tell you this, but that was the worst attempt at humour
I've ever heard." He flipped her over so that he was on top, "I think you're
losing your touch." Buffy gave him a smile, worthy of a Cheshire cat and
hooking their legs she pulled his sideways and used the momentum to pull her
back on top, stake back in it's place.
"I think not." She said, obviously trying her best to sound bold so as not
to end up in giggles.
Spike laughed lightly and relaxed back on the duster pulling her down on
top of him. They lay there a moment, basking in their new found comfort. He
tried to avoid saying what he knew he had to but finally gave up and hoped
it didn't scare her off.
"Cor, Slayer, I love you." He could feel her smile against his chest and he
relaxed once again, glad she hadn't run in fear.
"Spike?" She asked as he stroked her back with his hand.
Part: (2/2) Sequel to 'Worth Dying For'
Author: Jessa (jessa_88@hotmail.com)
Pairing: B/S
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. - in
other words I own nothing.
The song lyrics are from 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls.
The second half of the letter is courtesy of the writers and creators of 'My
So-Called Life'
The starred part of the quote at the beginning is from 'The Shawshank
Redemption', the rest is mine.
Spoilers: Up to 'The Body'
Feedback: Of course. I might even give you a naked Spike if you do ;)
Buffy waited a day before she allowed herself to deliberate on what
she'd been feeling lately. Confusion ate at her and she decided she needed
guidance from the one person who might understand. She needed a sign that
this was in fact right, because she was too scared to figure it out on her
own. Walking through the grass to her mother's grave she felt again that
sense of peace. Feeling her mother's presence made Buffy all aware of how
things had changed. Maybe that was what she needed. To know moving on didn't
have to mean forgetting. That sometimes, in life, you have no choice but to
go forward.
Slayer,
I'm not so good at these bloody things. I thought I could explain everything
on paper so that you couldn't kill me before I was done. But the words
wouldn't come because truthfully I am lost on what to say to you. On how to
make you understand. Then I remembered this letter and it may seem cheap to
use something that somebody else wrote, but it explained everything better
than I ever could. And I wanted you to hear it and realize that even though
the words aren't my own, everything beneath and in-between them is.
~*~
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breath is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
~*~
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive
~*~
Spike looked in shock at the letter in her hand. He couldn't believe she
had it. He couldn't believe she had probably read it. He couldn't believe he
had written something so sentimental in the first place. Most of all he
couldn't believe she had just kissed him. Even if it would probably end up
being just another thing for her to deny.
~*~
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
~*~
Trembling slightly, Buffy took a step toward Spike and brought her hand up
to his cheek. Staring deep into his eyes, she brushed her thumb across his
lip, and shuddered when he darted his tongue out to lick it. Lowering her
gaze to stare at him appreciatively, her other arm went up to his chest, and
started to trace along the finely sculpted muscles that she knew would be
forever engraved in her mind. Spike gave her a sly, suggestive smile that
would have been enough to make her weak in the knees if she wasn't already.
Buffy smiled at his concern.
"I know."
And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
~*~
Still looking into his eyes, Buffy pulled Spike into a sitting position and
gave him a short, sweet kiss on the lips. "I want you inside of me. Now."
"What, luv?"
"Call me Buffy."
~*~
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
~*~
Fin.
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