Yellow Skies

By: Isis

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or anything related to Buffy the Vampire Slayer- they belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

Rated PG-13

Distribution: As long as you ask and tell me where it's going.

Author's Note: Begins after As You Were. A Buffy & Spike centered fic, but other characters are involved also. Since this is my first attempt at writing fanfic, or anything of the sort, please go easy on me.

Also, HUGE thanks to Madrog for all the support, feedback, and time. I really appreciate it! I probably wouldn't have started this if it weren't for you, it's been fun.

Reviews: Well, of course, that would be great! My email is, isis_fanfic@hotmail.com

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Chapter 1

Lost and Found

Buffy sat on her bed, the moonlight casting a dreamy glow throughout her room. A sense of loneliness hung heavy in the air. And doubts plagued her mind. Mostly about the night she had told Spike it was over between the two of them. She had tried to stay strong. Told herself that in the end, the choice she had made was for the better. But every night since then, her heart betrayed her mind, and tears had come easily after the lights were off. In the darkness, everything hurt more. Everything was still and put to rest; there were no distractions. Nobody to hide from. Except herself, because it was quiet enough to hear what was inside.

Buffy's fingers absentmindedly played with the cross that hung from her neck. She was thankful that Xander had taken Dawn to dinner and a movie. Anya probably wasn't as pleased with the prospect of someone tagging along she had to be less blatant around. The last time Dawn had gone with the both of them was when Anya insisted on the skating chimp movie. Dawn had told her never again would she go through another movie with Anya's sympathy noises and endless chatter. But that had been a long time ago, and finally Dawn gave into the idea that Anya had changed more since then. And there would be a new CD out of it. Buffy felt bad that she coerced her sister into going, but she needed this time to herself. Quiet time was very rare and she wanted to be able to reflect on the last few months without interruptions. There was only one thing she was certain of at this point, and that was she felt disconnected from everything.

She missed being close with Willow. Like there was some invisible line that separated them from what they were before, from what they were now. She didn't think that line represented any one action that happened between them, and that only made it harder to define what had to be done to meet in the middle again. The part that bothered her most was knowing that Willow had feelings she didn't share with her, and likewise. It was the lack of trust, and worrying about being judged, that hindered their relationship the most. Sadly, Buffy knew her part in this overture was more prominent.

The warm night breeze beckoned her and she made her way down to the back porch. She sat on the familiar steps and looked up into the star filled sky. Riley. Riley showing up a few days ago was totally unexpected. A totally unexpected wake up call. She realized what she didn't have, what she could have had and what she wanted. Or, so she thought. Buffy knew her mind and heart were just two mere oddities in her odd world. They barely worked together. Like anyone's she supposed.

Buffy thought back to the first time Riley had left. Xander's voice still in her head, "Dependable? I think you mean convenient." Tears falling. The last part, "Run." And that she did. Like she was running toward the edge of the earth and she had one chance to grab that rope that would rescue her. She had stood there watching what she thought was her one chance of happiness going up into the dark endless sky. She had stood there until the helicopter's lights faded and she could no longer tell if they were stars or not.

Then she had hugged herself, as she walked home in a daze. Going over in her mind what had happened, she realized where she had gone wrong. Xander had been right. She told herself that maybe him leaving would be one of her biggest regrets, but on the other hand, how she was, is all she knew how to be. Maybe it would have ended anyway. All she could do was try to do things differently in the future.

Then Spike came along. And with Spike, when old patterns came up, she figured it wouldn't matter so much. So what if he was yet, just another convenience? He was a guy and he was dead, could he really be upset with her for using him? Truthfully, her actions bothered her, but she figured there was nobody better to be the "bad in relationships Buffy" with than Spike. He was just a get by guy for her. Someone to scratch her itch, as he said. Someone to hear I love you from, even if she questioned the sincerity of it. Someone to ground her when she felt herself drifting away.

Those excuses seemed more and more unjustifiable every time she told them to herself. She learned in hindsight from Riley, love is an all or nothing deal. You can't give just part of yourself and expect the other person not to yearn for the missing pieces. It's about trust, and that is why loving a man flat out scared her. Spike scared her. Spike made her scared of herself. It was nights like these she wanted to run to him and tell him. Confess all she kept hidden. The things she kept hidden to protect herself. The same things that made her fall apart. But telling him would mean there was no going back. It would mean she would have to trust.

Buffy hung her head and raked her fingers through her hair. A noise caused her to look up. Spike. He stood there bathed in moonlight, which gave him a ghostly appearance. She swallowed hard, not ready to face the cause of her inner turmoil. "Spike." He took a couple steps forward. Buffy wanted him to come all the way to her. Sit by her and rub her back, like he did when she found out about her mother's illness. She wanted to lean into him and let herself go without restraint. Cry out all her pent up frustrations. But she couldn't. She couldn't let him see. "I told you it's over, Spike. I'm not changing my mind."

"Not seeing you for the last few days would be a sure indication of that. Didn't have any doubts this time around, luv." He sighed and looked as if he was trying to gather himself together. "Right then...just wanted to say goodbye. Didn't think just up and leaving would be proper."

Here they were, both with bleeding hearts and eyes that had been dried only moments before. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"I'll try to make this quick." He looked away and she saw his jaw muscle clench. Uncertainty washed over his face as he looked back at her. "I knew what we had was fragile, Buffy. You and me, we were never supposed to have a beginning. But we did... friendship. What I thought would be the support of whatever else was to become of it, if anything. I only hoped for something; dreamed mostly." Spike wanted to grab a cigarette, but decided it would taint the moment. His hands felt nervous. This was just as hard as he imagined it was going to be. "That night in the abandoned house, I never told you, but the whole time, I kept thinking how beautiful you were; wrapped around me, letting yourself go," he said, lost in the moment. "After that night, things changed. Sex took the place of our friendship. It took the place of our talks. Made me less real in your eyes, I guess." He took a moment to study her face, to make sure she was at least remotely understanding what he was trying to convey. "Sex, Buffy, was not what I wanted the foundation of our relationship to be, contrary to what you probably believe. Ironic that is all you ended up wanting from me. Every time I was making love to you, I wanted to believe you felt everything I did." He paused a moment then went on. "But you told me you were using me, and how many times did you let me know I was nothing?" His voice caught in his throat, and he had to look away.

Buffy made a movement like she was going to get up. He motioned for her to stay. "Thought I wasn't what you deserved. I'm not really. But Buffy, people are not something you use to drain what you desire from life. It seems you can defeat any demon, except for your inner one." Buffy hung her head and cradled it between her hands. Spike continued, "Buffy, I...I don't want to go. But I think it's best for you. I want to give you time. I already know what I want, but I don't think you do."

Buffy looked back up at him and rubbed her hands up and down on her legs. "Spike..." she said as she got up and started slowly walking toward him.

Spike remained motionless. "Just tell Dawn I'll be in touch with her. K? And I think you should tell her the truth. I think she knows more than she lets on." He started to turn, then came back around. "I'm sorry Buffy, for whatever it's worth." How it is to love someone so deeply and not be believed, he knew all too well.

"Where are you going? Spike? At least tell me that."

Was that a worried look? Her voice sounded desperate, but he wouldn't let himself hope. Hope had come back to kick him in the ass enough for him to know better by now. "I don't know yet, but not too far. Probably no more than an hour or two away. Want to be close enough incase something happens."

That was just like him. Just like him to still be counted on. "How long?"

"Don't know. I can't deal with things here, so close." He stood there. She was close and he could smell her. God it was torture to turn and walk away. Turn back toward the shadows.

She looked down for a second, trying to compose her face. When she looked back up he was gone. One more man engulfed by the night. One more heart's dirty lesson.

****

(3 nights later)

Buffy and Dawn sat on the couch, an assortment of slumber party essentials displayed before them. They were both messing around with the video camera when the door opened. Tara and Willow said happy hellos as they made their way in, and dropped their stuff off in a corner. They were followed closely by Anya, who gave a loud sigh as she sat down close to the coffee table. "I'll have you know I gave up sex for this. And this is Wednesday; my endless orgasm night." She popped a piece of popcorn in her mouth. "Ok, so Xander is probably happy he didn't have to perform for hours, after doing overtime today, and yes, Mr. Xan Jr. is running low on batteries, but I just hope you realize what I gave up."

Buffy could tell Dawn was holding back a giggle. "Yes, Anya, we are very happy you are here with us." She wanted to ask her if Mr. Xan. Jr. was anyway related to Jack Rabbit, but didn't dare use the word rabbit and sex in the same sentence.

Dawn couldn't resist though. "Wow, Xander must love having a little sex bunny for a girlfriend."

Anya's face twisted and Willow jumped up to interrupt the coming comment. "So, Buff, this is great. It's about time we have a girly get together."

Anya looked quizzically from Willow to Tara and then back again, "Is there something I don't know? I mean, this is just food and talk right? No involvement of sexy moves...at least that was what I was lead to believe."

The next hour or so was spent filling up on junk food, having a few drinks to loosen up, and the sharing of info found in the numerous magazines that were scattered about. Buffy didn't know whether to smile or hide herself when Tara held up Redbook and said, "Oh, here's a good one, Is Your Lover Dead In Bed?" She was glad Dawn chose that moment to motion her into the kitchen.

"Yeah?"

"Didn't you hear the phone ring?"

Buffy shook her head no.

"It was Spike."

"And?"

"And he just let me know where he is and how to get a hold him if anything comes up."

"Anything else?" she tried not to let her eyes show an expectation, but she knew her voice did anyway.

"Just that he misses us." Dawn lied, he had only said he missed her, but she wanted to see her sisters reaction. "You never told me why he left. Just that he had to. I asked him and he said to ask you."

Buffy's shoulders sagged under the weight of remembering what she was trying to forget tonight. "Later maybe. Let's get back in there and watch a movie."

So the night went on, and by 3 AM they had had their fill of crazy talk, dancing, laughs and food. Tara and Dawn fell asleep watching an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. Anya had gone upstairs, because "she was disturbed by it," and fell asleep on Buffy's bed. That left Willow and Buffy alone. Buffy pointed to the large selection of polish, and stuck her foot out toward her friend. "Sparkling Raspberry, please." Willow grabbed the bottle and set to work. Buffy decided it was a good time to talk. "Will, ya know, even though we see each other, I don't think we really do. Like, we only know the surface of each other now." Buffy looked directly at Willow's somber face. "It's bugging me."

Willow proceeded to finish the last toenail, and then gave her attention to the matter at hand. "I know what you mean."

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, no, Buffy," Willow said. "Don't blame yourself. I mean, it's both of us. Something fell away from us...we just have to find it."

Buffy looked down and thought for a second, then said, "I think we just did."

"What do you mean?"

"We just need to talk. About things we've kept to ourselves. Friends are supposed to help us carry our burdens, but they can't if we don't give them a chance." Buffy stood up and held her hand out to Willow. "Let's go for a walk. It's nice out... and I have a lot to tell you."

***

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