A
Hero
Author: Valkyrie
Disclaimer:
All of this belongs to God (aka Joss Whedon) and I am only borrowing
them. The song is “There You’ll Be”
by Faith Hill. Lyrics by Diane
Warren.
Spoilers:
It’s the end folks, so all of it?
Feedback:
Yay!!
Summary: After the events of “Chosen,” I needed to
give Spike his good-bye. This is
from Buffy’s POV.
* * *
When I think back on these
times
And the dreams we left
behind
I’ll be glad ‘cause I was
blessed
To get to have you in my life
I can still see him. It’s just glimpses, and always in my peripheral vision, but it’s him. I’ve learned to accept it. I know it’s not real, I know he’s gone, but I accept that he will always be there…always with me. I miss him, too. He was the only one who accepted everything that I was, no questions asked. He understood what I needed and wanted and… and he loved me. I knew he did, but I never truly accepted it until the night I was forced to leave my own home. What he said, how he made me see myself as he saw me… how he just held me, I felt it then. I wish I could have had more time to tell him how important that was for me. But, somehow I think he knew. Don’t ask me how, but it’s just a feeling in my gut. It makes me sick that no matter how hard I try; I still compare him to Angel. Funny thing, that. Comparing Spike and Angel. Because there really is no comparison. Angel is… well, he’s Angel. He sweet and mellow and always does the right thing, even if you just want to knock him upside the head for being so goddamn selfless all the time. Spike, on the other hand, is brash and crude and never thinks about the consequences of his actions if he can help it. But, what scares me is that now, after what happened in the Hellmouth and his sacrifice for us, I couldn’t honestly help but think that Angel wouldn’t have done that. Angel might be a champion and all that, but Spike is a hero. He did what he had to do, not because he was trying to atone for past mistakes, but because he knew that his death meant our lives and that was the most important thing in his world.
When I think back on these
days
I’ll look and see your
face
You were right there for
me
I do love him. That wasn’t a lie. I love him for his heart and honesty and courage. I love him because he stayed. I love him, because he loved us. All of us. Though I can hear his snort at me believing he loved all of us, even Xander. But, he did. I know that, I saw it in his eyes before I left him down there. His death wasn’t just for him or me, he did it for Dawn and Giles, Willow and yes, even Xander. I wish he could have heard everyone’s reactions after we stopped for the night. He probably would have been rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. No one cried, but everyone had something to say. Memories mostly. I had to laugh at Faith; hers stunned everyone in the room. “No offense, B. But, damn I shoulda hit that when I had the chance, even if I was in your body.” That was followed by Robin’s possessive growl and Faith trying to placate him, which was humorous in it’s own right. But, of everybody’s, Xander’s was the one that made me almost lose it. He looked dead at me and said, “He was the only one who never doubted we would win. He believed in you that much, Buffy. His Slayer could never lose.” Later that night, curled up in my bed at some cheap hotel, I cried. It’s the only tears I’ve shed before or since. I wanted him there with us… with me. I dreamt of him that night. Flashes of memories, good and bad, and amazingly the good actually outweighed the bad.
In my dreams, I’ll always see you soar above the
sky
In my heart, there’ll always be a place for you for all
my life
I’ll keep a part of you with
me
And everywhere I am there you’ll
be
And everywhere I am there you’ll be
I know now that no matter what I do, or where I go, it’ll be because of him. Because of the strength and love he gave me, I am still here. He saved my life in so many ways. He made me live when I wanted to die. He showed me that love could make you a better person. And beyond all that, he proved that life is worth nothing if your heart is empty. I mourn him, I miss him, and yes… I will always love him. And now, because it’s what he wanted me to do… I live for him.
And every where I am there you’ll
be