Eliza

By Kim

After 3 years of infertility which included one miscarriage, 2 surgeries, removal of one tube, then finally an ectopic in my remaining tube. I decided to try yet again with pergonal and clomid. I finally found out I was pregnant around April of 1995.

I felt radiant and energetic and wonderfully pregnant. At 22 weeks pregnant I felt some cramping and went to the hospital I was 1 1/2 cm. dilated. The doctors said things didn't look good and that the baby was too little to be resuscitated. I was devastated. Fluids and Brethine through the night. The next evening I was closed and the funneling was gone so  I was sent to another area of the hospital and released a few days later on Brethine and bedrest. I carried Nicole until 37 weeks and she was a healthy baby.

Three more years with Pergonal and Clomid I finally got a positive pregnancy test on March 11, 1999. We were SO happy. This time my OB decided to do weekly cervical checks after 18 weeks. Everything looked great, and I felt great. The morning of my 23rd week cervical check I noticed a little more discharge than usual and felt a little more crampy even though cramps are very usual for me and as I have an incredibly irritable uterus. At my checkup I was 1 1/2 cm. dilated so again was admitted to the hospital. Brethine and fluids and by morning I was moved out of labor and delivery and to another part of the hospital. Since I had so much irritability and still funneling I was put on Indocin. On August 9th I was taken off Indocin due to low amniotic fluid. My cervix was closed and I wasn't funneled at all. On August 11 I felt more contractions and a little more discharge. The doctor examined me and I was still closed. Later that night I called the doctor again with contractions and I was a fingertip dilated so Brethine calmed them down. The next morning I felt ok but a little crampy but noticed a little spotting. I was 1 1/2 cm. dilated, the doctor could feel the baby's arm coming through my cervix. Over to labor and delivery and 3 doses of magnesium the contractions came on very quickly, I was dilated to 5 cm. in 1 hour despite the mag.. Since the baby was in transverse down position I was given an C-section. Eliza Leigh was born on August 12, 1999, 1 lb. 10 oz. She did so well she didn't even need support for the first few hours. I was so happy she was alive I went to the NICU day and night 4-5 times a day sometimes. I pumped my breasts every 2 hours and labeled my jars and gave them to the NICU anticipating her first feeding. One week old Eliza was given 1 cc. of my breast milk. I also held her that day for the first time. Since her birth her heart duct never closed and she was being treated with Indocin to close it. She didn't respond to the Indocin so a surgical team came from Philadelphia came to do the surgery. They began to clear out a room in the NICU as I sat in the center on a chair for about 7 hours which I don't even remember. I was glad I got to hold her because after her incision I wouldn't be able to. Eliza came through the surgery very well. I again visited her and pumped. One thing that sticks out in my mind is that whenever I was next to her isolette she would do very well on their levels, oxygen etc.. She would even open her eyes and look toward me. I kissed her head at least 100 times. 2 days after the surgery her lung collapsed and she needed to be bagged and moved to an oscillator (high powered ventilator). I rushed into the hospital and kissed her and talked to her, she began to saturate well and was moved off the oscillator and onto a regular ventilator. That night we were called in around 11:30 PM and told things weren't good. We sat by her isollete all night as she went on and off the ventilators. In the morning my husband left and I stayed. Eliza was doing well and opening her big brown eyes when I kissed her head. The doctors were betwixt and betweened because she did so well when I was in the room with her oxygen saturation but seemed to be 'struggling' to live (she showed signs of pain) They gave her pain medication, she was ok and I went to lunch. When I got back they said the minute I left her lung collapsed again and needed to be bagged. Again I sat with her and she was a little better. When I went to pump, I heard the beeping machines and the commotion and knew she was being bagged again. I knew she was going but couldn't let go, so I kept pumping, and pumping. Finally I went back into the room and watched her oxygen level drop to dangerous levels. I paged my husband and went to the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror my eyes were so red and I was so tired that I wasn't sure if any of it was true. People were trying to help me walk and trying to make me sit down as I made my way back into the NICU. I walked over to the isolette and again Eliza opened her eyes to look at me, by this time her brain was almost gone. I asked to Doctor to take her off the ventillator, which he did and he also gave her morphine to ease her pain I held her for a few minutes as I sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn't stay I had to leave my husband took me home and I held my little Nicole as she slept and I ate valium. My husband rushed back to the hospital and held her for 45 minutes as she took her last breaths. The funeral and the past year have been a blur.

On May 23 I found out I was again pregnant without any infertility treatment. Last week (13 weeks) I got a cerclage. I am now on modified bed rest and scared to death, I have occasional cramping. The Doc's don't plan to put me on brethine for a few weeks. Will I make it?

I sobbed while I told this story as I sobbed while I read all of yours. Why this happens to us I will never know. For a women this is the worst form of sadness, the deepest we will ever experience. I often feel like my whole life has changed since this loss. I feel so differently and I feel forever bonded to women who have been forced to feel these same feelings of tremendous grief.

Thank you for listening. Please email anytime Kgavranich@aol.com