A Grandmother's Grief
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“A Grandmother’s Grief”

By Obbeth

My daughter ( age 26 at the time) was 28 weeks into her second pregnancy the first one was in fact a blighted ovum). For about two weeks, prior to the deliver, she had been complaining of such low pelvic pressure. I, unfortunately, did not put too much stock in her complaints...for one thing, I had had two normal pregnancies without any complications and secondly, I have been an OB nurse for over 14 years and hear a lot of unfounded complaints from first time Mommies. She didn't complain of pain, just pressure, and she had been having a rough bout with recurrent yeast infections, so I assumed that this was probably the source of her discomfort.  I still feel guilty, I should have recognized the symptoms, and perhaps there might have been a different outcome. At any rate, her EDC was Jan 21, but on October 20 , she called me, crying and inconsolable, said that she was bleeding and she couldn't hardly walk due to the pressure. I rushed to her house, she wanted to travel the hour trip to her hospital ( she is also an RN) but I could tell that she was not going to make it so I stopped at our local hospital ( where I work as an OB Rn). In the emergency room, the Dr. had ME to the vaginal exam ( you'd be surprised just how many ER doctors are AFRAID of OB patients.) I found her to be completely dilated with a bulging bag of water.

Since there was NO way that she should make the hour long trip to her hospital, she was admitted into our labor and delivery unit. Our longtime family physician agreed to take on her care. He immediately called Riley hospital ( out of Indianapolis) to send a neonatal crew to us. Dr. then tried to stop the labor long enough to allow Riley to arrive. Baby started having major deceleration to the "50's" ( my daughter was well aware of the fetal distress and was I). US was done and there baby Logan was, moving around like a trooper, it was almost impossible for me to watch the ultrasound because I knew there was nothing that we could do that would save this sweet baby.

At any rate, she was taken to delivery, Riley had arrived by then and was in the delivery room waiting to receive the baby, then the real nightmare began, Logan came feet first and the cervix clamped down on his head. Finally after about 5 minutes the Dr. finally cut her cervix in 3 places to release the baby, It was such a traumatic birth that one of the assisting doctors left the room briefly and actually got sick to his stomach. I stood by her side but I'm not sure how I did it-- guess that a mother's love allows you to do anything when its necessary. I know that this may sound like self pity but it was hard to be the nurse, Mother and grandmother and not being able to do anything to save him. Logan was transported to Indy, I'm sure that he received the best care possible (Riley is well-known for its children’s hospital) but he lived only 7 hours. I had followed the transport unit to Indy ( my husband and son in law stayed with my daughter) I was there when they "lost" Logan. I still resent the fact that they didn't let me be with him before he died. One of my daughters worst memories is the fact that. he was born, tortured (meaning the medical treatments) for 7 hours and then died, that no one ever held him and loved him...this too haunts me. Now, I anguish every month, along with her, as she tries to get pregnant again... I want to make things all right for her but I don't know how.............I don't know how she feels, and I have told her that many times, I only know that I love her and I grieve also, not only for the loss of my first grandchild but for the "loss" of my daughters happiness. I'm not sure if this story is applicable, since I'm not a new Mommy but I appreciate your allowing me to tell it again.  Its true, what they say, that it is something that you never get over.....

 

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