They are always in my heart, in my soul

By Yafu

I had a totally normal and successful pregnancy with my first son in 1998.  During the time I carried him, I worked more than 8 hours per day, and I felt myself very energetic.  Every night after dinner my husband had to take me out for a walk to make me exhausted; otherwise, I couldn’t sleep very well.  Through the entire pregnancy, I had no complications.  At 39 weeks, my beautiful and healthy son was born after a hard labor.  My cervix didn’t dilate in ten hours after my water had broken.  My doctor suggested a C-section at 8:00 on the next day, but I began to dilate at 6:00, and at 7:42 my son came out into this world.  Watching his lovely face, I believed that he was worth all the tortures I went through.   

When my first son was one year old, we began to think about conceiving again.  All our friends knew that my husband and I always wanted a big family.  In the first month we tried, I didn’t get pregnant.  I was so surprised by that failure because I always thought that I was a so-easily-conceiving woman.  In the middle of the second month, I noticed that I discharged much more that stuff “egg-white” than before, I told my husband that I would conceive in this month, and I would have two babies.  Since in my family there run twins, my husband trusted me and became very anxious to have it confirmed by a pregnancy test and an ultrosound, and only in the day I missed my period, I had a home pregnancy test, and it turned out positive.  I got pregnant!

I made an appointment with my doctor, and I told her that I wanted to have an ultrosound to make sure how many little ones I was pregnant with.  She laughed at me and gave me a prescription.  On the day I had my first ultrosound, at 6 weeks, I was told that I was pregnant with twins.   My husband was thrilled by the news, and he called our parents and informed them the instantly; however, we wanted to keep this secret to our friends for a while because I was a little worried with the twins pregnancy.

Everything went on smoothly.  I stayed at home with my one-year-old son and prepared for the entrance test to the graduate school.  I decided to go to the graduate school after the twins were born.  I missed school so much, and I wanted to go to work after graduation.  We decided that three children were just fine with us.

At 15 weeks, I began to feel a lot of pelvic pains.  It was so painful when I got up in the morning.  I complained about this to my OB.  She said it was OK with pregnant women.  Since I was pregnant with twins, she prescribed for me a level II ultrosound at 20 weeks.  That ultrosound brought us good and bad news.  The good news was that I was having two healthy boys; the bad news was that I was dilated 1 centimeter.  I was kept in the hospital for 6 hours, and they gave me a lot of fluid.  Then they checked me, and my cervix was close and firm again.  I was sent home, and was told to drink a lot of water.

In one week, I came to the hospital for a follow-up check.  They found that I was dilated 2 centimeters, and I was kept again in the hospital.  They had me checked for everything to eliminate the possibility of an infection.  On the third day in the hospital they told me that they would give me a small surgery.  They called it “stitch”.  I asked them what percent the surgery would be successful.  They simply answered over 90.  My husband and I felt so lucky that they found out my problem in time and could solve it.  Actually, I never heard of the word “cerclage” before. 

After the surgery the doctors told us that it was successful.  They even described to us how they pushed the naughty baby A upward so that they could give me a higher stitch.  The doctor who did the stitch reminded me that I had two stitches.  “Two stitches” impressed me very much and assured the safety of my babies.  My husband and I were very excited about the information they gave us.  My babies were moving just as normally they had been, and both of them had strong heartbeats.  We talked a lot about these boys while I was kept in the hospital.  My husband liked boys very much.  He said that when they grew up, they would play football and tennis together.  “Three boys are just perfect”, he said proudly.  After they made sure that I didn’t get an infection from the surgery, they sent me home on a strict bedrest.

In one week, I came to the hospital for a follow-up check.  Through the ultrosound they found a big blood clot right on my stitched cervix.  They said that the blood should come out in a few days.  I wanted to ask them what if the blood would not come out, but the words seemed unnecessary because they said that with confidence.  I was told to come in one week.

On the forth day after they found that clot I began to have mild contractions.  My husband called 911, and they came soon.  Even in the 911 vehicle I was very optimistic.  I joked to them that my twin boys were very strong and they were less likely to have any problems.    

My dream was broken by an old experienced OB in the hospital.  He told me it is greatly possible that I got an infection from that surgery, and the chance of my babies to survive was very little.  He suggested me induce them.  “Any infection in the uterus may kill you.  You are so young.  You will have many chances,” he said to me seriously.  “ Is there any chance that I could keep them for a few more weeks?” I asked him with the tears in my eyes.  He couldn’t say “no” to me and, after a while, he answered:” so, we will go for everything to save them, right?” 

But things went on by themselves.  I began to have severe contractions on the second day.   The contractions came so suddenly that even the doctors could not believe them.  My husband held me in his arms when they took out the stitches.  I cried out for the help from God, and my despaired crying and shivered body scared all the medical staff.  Although I refused to push them, baby A we named Matthew Changhai came out first at 12:34 on 12 August, 2000.  The water surrounded him obviously got infected.  When they asked us whether we wanted to hold him, I said “yes”, while my husband said “no, don’t give her!”  I insisted to hold him.  He was so tiny.  He survived only for a few minutes, and we passed out together.  I passed out because I lost a lot of blood and because of the grief that I lost my babies.  My second baby Martin Baichuan came out at 12:52.  I couldn’t remember the moment when I held him.  My husband told me that Martin’s placenta was very firm, and the doctors tried several times to take it out and failed.  They rushed me to the operating room, and in time there came a woman who tired once and took out the placenta.  Afterwards, I was told that I was lucky enough to avoid a C-section and blood transfusion.  Was I lucky?  When I regained consciousness, I held my babies in my arms.  I warmed their bodies with my body, I called their names and I kissed their little heads.  At that moment, I didn’t know whom I was.  I only knew that I was the saddest person in the whole world, and I wanted to go with them.

I refused to get calls from anybody for an entire month.  I was so weak after I lost my babies, and I enjoyed lying on bed and imagining as if they were inside of me.  My husband arranged their funeral affairs and brought me back their cinerary casket.  My eldest son couldn’t understand what had happened to me, and he tried everything to make me laugh.  He was only 21 months, and seemed like to have grown up in one night.

Now three months has passed since I lost my angels.  I began to search the website for the information about the “incompetent cervix”.  I want to know more about my body, and I promise to myself that in the future I won’t lose more.  Anybody who wants to know more about my story and to share the information about IC, please feel free to contact me by email yafuhan@hotmail.com