“The Joke” Is On Us By Lisa After two long years of trying-to-conceive (TTC) complete with stress, fertility testing, frustration, and Clomid, I finally found out I was pregnant on April 1, 1999 (Yes on April “Fools” Day!) Somehow I got my first prenatal appointment very early in the pregnancy, and since I had used Clomid, my doctor wanted to rule out a multiple birth by ultrasound. We got to see our tiny baby’s heart beating at only five weeks! I’ll never forget the smile on my husband’s face when the doctor pointed it out on the monitor. We had FINALLY succeeded!! We were so happy! Unfortunately, just two weeks later, I woke up one morning to some very light pink spotting. I had been diligently reading lots of literature on pregnancy, so I knew something was wrong and I immediately called my doctor’s office. The nurse told me not to worry, that it probably meant nothing. On the third day of “probably-meant-nothing,” I again called my doctor’s office, this time in tears and asking for another ultrasound (I thought if I could just see that little heart beating again, everything would be OK). The unconcerned nurse reluctantly scheduled it for that day (reminding me that my health insurance only covered two ultrasounds per pregnancy, so I’d have to pay out-of-pocket for the “next one.”) My husband took me to the appointment. Once again we stared at our tiny baby on the monitor, but this time minus that little heart beating. The doctor finally said “I’m sorry….this is not going to work out” and quickly left the room. Nurse “probably-meant nothing” was sent in to basically say “these things happen” and that I was going to need a D&C. (A what??) Because of some kind of health insurance issue, I had to get a new OBGYN who would be “authorized” to schedule the D&C (I just love HMOs!) We were sent home with a phone number of a new OBGYN to call in the morning (I was secretly glad to be rid of that insensitive doctor and Nurse PMN). However, that night I woke up with some horrible cramping and heavy clotting. The next day, my new doctor informed me, after an exam, that I had completely miscarried and a D&C was not necessary. She was very kind and sensitive to what we were going through, and spent time explaining that this was “nature’s way” of discarding a pregnancy when something was not going right. She assured me I did nothing wrong, and reminded me that I have proven I can actually GET pregnant (after trying 2 years, I was almost convinced I’d never get pregnant). Nevertheless, our hearts were broken and we decided to give TTC a break. We started concentrating on other areas of our lives (or so we thought…) Three months later, one evening I just didn’t “feel right.” I went out and bought a pregnancy test for the heck of it and to my utter shock and amazement it came out positive!! I ran downstairs and plopped it on the counter in front of my husband. He was speechless! I got pregnant WITHOUT “trying” and WITHOUT drugs!! A Miracle!! This time, I started off the pregnancy scared to death. We decided not to tell a soul until we passed the “three month” mark (well.. except close family and a very few friends). I refused to let myself get excited. At 12 weeks, we had the ultrasound and I was so nervous…fearing to look into that monitor again and see a lifeless embryo. However, seconds after the ultrasound started, we saw a much bigger baby complete with arms and legs and a strong heart beating so fast! We even got to hear it! The technician gave us pictures of our baby and the next day my doctor said everything was going fine….guess the EDD? April 1, 2000!! Talk about relief!!! I had “made it” through the first trimester, now convinced everything was going to be just fine. I finally let myself relax, and my husband and I even bought a few baby items and discussed baby names. Then the nausea kicked in and I was thrilled to be experiencing something so normal in a growing pregnancy. In bed each night, I’d whisper to my tummy how much I loved him/her…sometimes I even sang corny baby songs to it. I was falling madly in love! On October 16, 1999 (at 16 weeks), my husband and I took off to Lancaster, Pennsylvania to enjoy our favorite season (Autumn). We did a lot of walking that day, and by evening we settled down to enjoy dinner at a favorite restaurant. The day had been 100% perfect. I made a trip to the bathroom and to my horror discovered some bright red blood. Cold fear spread through my body. I tried to calmly walk back to the table to tell my husband. I felt something “open” and liquid started pouring out of me. I sat down and told my husband to call 9-1-1. Our perfect day had turned into a 100% nightmare. At the ER, they told me my water had broken. However, they gave me an ultrasound and listened for the heartbeat, and said the baby was fine. We stayed overnight and I was given lots of liquid to drink to see if the “fluid would replenish itself.” (I still don’t understand what that was about). The next morning, a nurse checked again for the heartbeat. It was strong and clear. The OBGYN on duty came in to see how I was doing. I asked “On a scale of 1 - 10 what are the chances that I am going to miscarry”? Barely looking into my face, he said “9”. They sent us home and told me to stay off my feet and to call my doctor first thing in the morning. The drive home was horrible, I couldn’t stop crying….we rode in silence. I just wanted the nightmare to be over. I didn’t understand how this could be happening again! The next day, my doctor examined me. I heard her say words like “…..going to lose this pregnancy…” “incompetent cervix…..” “….can see the feet” “…..about 3 centimeters dilated…” I was sure that I had died and was in Hell. They sent me to Labor and Delivery to induce labor. (Why was I going to have to go through the next few hours as if I were giving birth to a full term baby?). I saw the doctor’s lips moving….“….Epidural if the pain gets too bad…” “….possibly have a D&C….” About an hour after the doctor gave me medication to start labor, I started to feel some real pain. They gave me Demerol (which made me feel like my broken heart was now going to stop beating.) Suddenly out of no where I got an urge to push. I heard myself say out loud that I didn’t want to see anything. I closed my eyes, pushed twice and I felt my baby leave my body. I heard the doctor and nurses exclaim “Oh look!” (I think they forgot for a split second that this was not a happy occasion) and I remember hearing myself cry “But my baby is dead!” They took the baby away. My husband was so strong, with me the whole time. Finally, the ordeal had taken a toll on him too, and he went into the bathroom and sobbed. Hearing him hurt so bad. He came out and said he wanted to see our baby. What?? Why? (Was all I could think). I kept asking him was he sure he wanted to??….it was OK with me if he did. He was gone for some time. He came back with the most peaceful look on his face that I have ever seen on him and said that our baby was beautiful and perfect. I didn’t want to hear it. I was sure that I was dying. A few days later, I found out we had a boy and I was a classic “incompetent cervix” case. I had absolutely zero pain and dilated 3 cm without knowing it. Grief and guilt overcame me. What kind of mother was I? I didn’t even look at my own son! Saying those words hit hard….we realized that we are Parents and we have a Son. We decided that the name we had decided on for a boy (ironically we never settled on a girl’s name) will forever belong to him: Kyle Edward. He was born three days before our 4th Wedding Anniversary, October 18, 1999. He was perfect and strong. I truly believe he knows I love him forever. Six months have passed, and the grieving process has been a long and winding road with lots of turns and hills (I’m not sure if the journey is or will ever be over). My due date and the day we found out I was pregnant the first time (April “Fools” Day) has just passed us by. I still can’t believe we lost two babies. The joke is definitely on us. I thank God for creating the person(s) who developed the cerclage technique. There are so many women out there who have no chance at all to conceive. At least we are still in the game. Now that we’ve decided to jump back in the TTC game, I know that one day I’m going to need that procedure(cerclage). Am I scared? Of course, but this experience has revived my faith in God. He gave me the strength to survive Hell. I know He is looking after my babies and has His reasons for taking them back. I thank Him for giving me the chance to be pregnant and love my babies just as much as any Mother. I know I’m going to have a success story of my own someday. Feel free to email me at lisa@darkhawk.org |
