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My Angel Joseph By Melissa First I'd like to thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. It really does help to know that there are other families out there grieving over their loss the same way that we are. I was never considered a "high risk". I had one other child, who is now 15 months, and was blessed with an extremely easy pregnancy. I didn't even have as much as one minute of morning sickness with Spenser. His birth, on the other hand was a nightmare! After 31 hours of labor, including six of pushing alone and suction, we had an emergency c-section. However, the result was a beautiful baby boy, 9 lbs. 14 oz! I would go through that labor 10 times over, if it would have had the same results for Joseph....When Spenser was just a few days over 1, we discovered I was pregnant again. My husband and I were so excited! I had always thought that siblings should be close in age, and although we weren't exactly planning another one, we felt truly blessed. We dreamed of this baby playing and running around after his or her big brother. We envisioned them wrestling in the leaves and splashing in a baby pool, sharing clothes and friends, and laughing all night. I never expected anything but a normal pregnancy. At 18 weeks, I had gone to my routine monthly check up on a Thursday. The doctor listened to the heartbeat, took my weight, and did all the normal things. Everybody was healthy. Then on Saturday, I was out shopping with a girlfriend when I noticed that I had some really thick mucous coming out that was lime green. "Yuck, a yeast infection!" I thought. Then next day, I noticed some smears of blood. I immediately called the obstetrician on call, who reassured me that it was probably just an infection. I made an appointment for the next day to check it out. I knew that something was wrong immediately. When she did an internal exam, she looked for less than a minute, did a quick swab and scowled. She then left the room. When she returned, she started with, "I don't mean to scare you, but..." and I was whisked off to wait for a high risk specialist to see me. After doing an ultrasound and an internal exam, this doctor explained that I had an incompetent cervix, and that the amniotic sac was hanging more out of my uterus than in it. He said that nearly the entire bag was bulging into my vagina, and that I was about 4 cm dilated. He then conferred with my doctor, who met with my husband and me. She explained that there was really nothing that we could do. The risk of infection was extremely high, and there was too little cervix left to sew together. I was either going to miscarry the baby, or I could help it along. We thought it was best to have the baby delivered in the hospital, in a controlled manner. This particular hospital was Catholic, and it was against policy to help deliver the baby. This made me feel so ashamed of my decision, like I was choosing to kill my baby. She then called another doctor who would be able to help me deliver the baby, who would not survive. Two hours later, we checked into the University of Chicago Hospital to see another doctor. After the nurse made us feel horrible, I was finally able to confer with the doctor and two residents. My husband and I begged them to try and save this baby. We knew that U of C had a lot more updated technology than our suburban hospital. I would have stood on my head for the next few months if it had made a difference. But after looking at the ultrasound, and seeing that I was now 5 cm and the baby's feet were now protruding in to the vagina, they too could do nothing. The doctor promised to make me comfortable. She prescribed a self administered pain medication and pitosin. I had been having light contractions for hours, and was able to feel the baby moving down into my vagina. After only 12 cc's of the pitosin, the water bag broke. In less than an hour, Joseph was born. He never even took a breath. He was only 18 wks. and 4 days. The poor kid didn't even have a chance. My husband and I held him and said hello and good bye. The nurses made me a kit with his footprints and pictures. It said, "Date of Birth, October 2, 2001" but all I see is that is his date of death. The poor baby never even had a date of birth. Thank you for allowing me to share my story. If you think that people will be helped by reading it, you may publish it. But this is more my therapy than anyone else's. Sincerely, Melissa |
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