My Tiny Valentine

By Patricia

I never knew how desperately I wanted children until I became pregnant.  I met my husband,  Joe in 1997.  We fell in love instantly and I knew that one day I wanted to have children with him.  After two years of dating we got engaged and married soon after.  Because we’re in our mid-thirties, we decided to start tying immediately.  We were shocked and thrilled when we became pregnant on the second cycle.  For a decade I had watched all my friend have children and now I was going to have a baby - finally!!!  I must admit I was  scared at the notion of being a mother, but that was soon replaced by the excitement of  feeling the new life growing inside of me.  We were truly blessed. 

At 10 weeks, I went for my CVS - which tests for genetic abnormalities.  I remember it felt like the ultrasound technician  was taking forever to locate the baby.  I asked if there was a problem and she said she needed to get the Doctor and left the room.  The Doctor came in and I could tell by the look on his face that it wasn’t good.  He proceeded to perform a vaginal ultrasound - I remember the room was so quiet.  He walked around the table and put his hand on mine and said he was very sorry , but the baby had passed , there was no heartbeat.  How did this happen?  In a second, all my dreams came to a screeching halt.  As I lay on the table crying, they continued the procedure, hoping they would be able to find answers to why this happened.  I later found out that there were genetic abnormalities and that is why the pregnancy had terminated on its own.  Instead of having a D&C I took my doctor’s advice to let “nature take care of things”.  I waited two weeks before the actual miscarriage happened.  I woke up in the middle of the night with what I would call “contractions” and the heavy bleeding began.  The pain was beyond belief.  After 2 ½ weeks of heavy bleeding and severe cramping I went to a new Doctor who told me I needed a D&C because I still had some of the placenta inside me and it was infected.  Soon after the D&C, my body returned to normal.  Although I was heartbroken, I was ready to move on.

After two months  we decided we were ready to try to get pregnant again.  Three months later in September 2000 I was a couple days late and took a home pregnancy test.  Much to my surprise, I saw the two small lines  telling me we were pregnant again!!  I couldn’t believe how very blessed we were.  Needless to say I was very nervous this time around.  During the first couple months of pregnancy, I kept telling Joe “I don’t feel pregnant anymore….I know the heartbeat has stopped.”  Also, I was experiencing brown spotting in the first few months.  An early ultrasound showed that everything looked fine with the tiny baby growing inside me.  Twelve weeks into my pregnancy and it was time for the CVS again.  When I pulled into the parking lot, I was overcome with emotion, remembering what happened last time.  As I lay on the table waiting for the ultrasound technician to find the baby, I was so nervous - then there it was, loud and strong, my baby’s heartbeat!!  I cried tears of joy.  After the Doctor performed the CVS, he continued to examine my uterus via ultrasound.  He said it looked like I had a “split uterus” with the baby stuck in the upper half of the uterus.  He wouldn’t comment further but urged me to discuss this with my OB/GYN.  During my next appointment she expressed her concern and said we needed to watch this very closely, because the baby might run out of room to grow.  A subsequent ultrasound revealed that it seemed to be  an amniotic band and the baby would be fine.  GOOD NEWS!!  One more hurdle overcome.  A few weeks later they drew blood for the AFP (Alpha Fetal Protein) test only to find that my levels were elevated which meant there was a good chance our baby could have spina biffita or other spinal cord deformities.  They neglected to tell me there were a lot of false positives with this test and that bleeding in the uterus could skew the results.  After many tears and much anguish, two ultrasounds showed that all looked fine with the baby’s spine and there was no need for further concern.  I was half way through my pregnancy and so much had happened, and now I felt like we could finally relax and hopefully start to enjoy my pregnancy for a change!!

A few weeks passed an all was progressing well with my pregnancy.  Around 22 weeks, I started to experience pelvic pressure and soreness in my groin area.  Two weeks later during my monthly exam, I expressed my symptoms and concerns to my Doctor.  She checked my cervix and said I looked fine but to come back in 2 weeks instead of four because of my risk for “cervical incompetence”.  I had cryo (freezing of the cervix) in college which put me at risk.  I guess at that point I should have asked more questions and I will NEVER forgive myself for not having done that, but like so many women, I trusted my doctor beyond my own intuition.  BIG MISTAKE!!  Five days later on February 13, 2001 I felt a sharp pain in my uterus and immediately laid down in bed.  I was feeling tired and weak but the pain was gone.  When Joe got home from work I told him that something  just wasn’t right.  A few hours later I felt cramping in what I thought was my vagina/cervix.  I was very worried but didn’t really associate this with preterm labor.  I paged the Dr. but she didn’t call back.  I paged her again and she told me it didn’t sound like anything serious but if I needed reassurance, to go to the hospital.  I decided we should go but I told Joe we didn’t need to pack a bag, because they would probably take a look at me and send me home.  As soon as they started the exam, I could tell by the look on the Doctor’s face that it wasn’t good.  He told me that my “bag of waters was protruding through my cervix” .  They explained that they would do everything possible to keep my baby inside me for as long as possible.  We couldn’t believe this was happening.  After everything  I had been through with this pregnancy, how could this be?   About 10 hours into the ordeal, one of the hospital’s maternal fetal specialists told me that I had an incompetent cervix and that they were going to “attempt” an emergency cerclage.  They explained this procedure was risky because of how much my “bag” was protruding and because my contractions (not uterine) were getting stronger and more frequent.  They were also worried about infection.  I didn’t care ……I just wanted them to save my baby.

They wheeled me away into the operating room for the procedure.  I’ll never forget the look on Joe’s face-so scared and helpless because he couldn’t go with me.  The cerclage attempt took two hours, but they couldn’t get the bag back in me enough to sew up the cervix.  I was devastated .  After wheeling me back into my room, they decided to do an ultrasound to see what was happening with the baby.  What I saw next is an image that I’ll never forget as long as I live…….my baby’s feet were protruding down into my cervix and his umbilical  cord was trapped under his feet.

This position was compromising his oxygen supply due to the pressure being put on the cord.  “That’s it” the Dr. said, and preparations started for an emergency  C-section.  They explained that he (yes, a boy!) would have a 50% chance of survival due to his gestation of 24 ½ weeks and a 25% chance of living a normal life.  Although I didn’t like the odds, I talked myself into believing that our son would  certainly make it and grow up to be strong and healthy Patrick Joseph was born on February 14^th 2001, weighing 1lb. 11oz and measuring 12 inches long.  When I first laid eyes on him in the NICU, I couldn’t believe he was ours….so tiny and PERFECT!  His oxygen/vent settings were low and his apgar scores were excellent, so we were very optimistic about his future.  The Dr.’s and nurses cautioned us about being too optimistic and warned us that we were in for the roller coaster ride of a lifetime.  They weren’t kidding.  Although Patrick started out well, it didn’t take long before things took a turn for the worse.  He ended up getting a yeast infection which spread to his blood.  I remember them telling us that the most dangerous thing for preemies is infection and you DON’T want it to get in their bloodstream.  Soon they started feeding him my breast milk which he was doing well with for a few days until the dreadful day he got NEC which means his intestines ruptured.  This combined with the yeast infection was just too much for our little guy to handle.  He was so sick and so uncomfortable that they were having a difficult time caring for him because he was in so much pain.  I can’t tell you how difficult it was seeing him in so much pain.  I wanted him to keep fighting so one day we could take him home with us, but it just wasn’t fair that someone so little had to fight so hard just to stay alive.  It broke my heart to see him that way. 

I remember clearly the day we were going to meet with the Doctors about Patrick’s condition.  I heard clearly the words “Focus on the Beauty of His Spirit”.  In other words, see past his physical ailments and focus on all the beauty and love he had brought into our lives.  That night the Doctors told us there was little hope for our son.  He was just too sick to survive.  At that moment, we knew that all the hope we had been clinging to for the past month had disappeared.  We decided not to make any quick decisions, but to let Patrick tell us when he was ready.  Four days later, one day after St. Patrick’s Day, we went to the hospital to spend the day with Patrick. I opened his isolette and gently put my hand on his little bottom, just to let him know we were there and all of a sudden his oxygen, blood pressure and heart rate bottomed out.

We were asked to leave the room because it was a “code blue”.  Standing in the hallway, Joe and I decided Patrick was letting us know he was ready.  It was that day that we held our son for the first and last time.

As soon as they handed him to me, his eyes opened wide and he looked right up at me.  All of his signs improved as well.  I couldn’t believe I was finally holding my baby.  I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.  Together, Joe and I held him for FIVE hours!  He started to fade and we realized that as much as we couldn’t bear the thought, we had to let him go.  Although you try to prepare yourself for this, you never really can.  Patrick Joseph passed away in his daddy’s arms on March 18, 2001.  I hugged Joe and Patrick while Patrick took his last breath.  He traded in his tubes and wires for wings.. 

Patrick was on this earth for a very short time, only 32 days, but I learned more from him in those 32 days than some people learn in lifetime.  He taught me that life is beautiful and precious and that you never realize your capacity to love until you have a child.  He taught me that you cannot control your destiny because bad things can and do happen, but you need to find the good behind it.  He also brought his mom and dad closer together because I love my husband more now than I ever dreamed possible. 

Patrick will always be here in my heart.  If we are fortunate to have children one day, they will know about their special brother who fought so hard to be here,  and who touched so many hearts along the way.

If  I can help you in any way or if you would like to share your story, please feel free to e-mail me at Pomera@cahners.com