Our Perfect Son

By Meredith

We decided to start trying to have a baby in August of 1997. I had been on depo-provera birth control shot for 3 years. When I got off, I had stopped ovulating. Finally after about a year I started ovulating again. That was an agonizing wait. Since we were young, I foolishly thought it wouldn't take long after that to get pregnant. I was wrong. We finally found out Iwas pregnant February 18, 1999. We were so excited. Our prayers had finally been answered. That night we told my in-laws and my father-in-law actually jumped up and down.

My pregnancy was relatively easy. My only "symptom" was that I had all day sickness. I never threw up, but I was just nauseous all day. But other than that, everything was great.

We had our routine ultrasound at 20 weeks and everything looked great. The tech was laughing because the baby kept moving and kicking so much. She could barely get the necessary readings! We wanted to find out the sex of the baby and had planned on going to register that afternoon, but the baby wouldn't uncross its legs. It was moving every which way but that! We were trying to decide if the baby was shy or stubborn. Knowing my husband and I, we figured the latter. I told her that I couldn't feel the baby yet, and she told me to look out. She was right! A few days later I felt a huge kick and the baby never stopped after that. It would kick so hard that I could see my stomach move.

Two weeks later, Friday, June 18, my husband and I spent the day working on the nursery painting the stars on the border. That night we went to a baseball game. My back was hurting and I was noticing that I was having pain in the area of my cervix, but since this was my first pregnancy, I figured it was just something that happened and that my back hurt from sitting and painting all day. Also, I normally have back pain and when on my period, have cramps in my back. When I woke up at 5 a.m. with a back ache I didn't think much of it. Ryan got me some Tylenol and I decided I would take a bath before snuggling with the heating pad. As I was putting my hair back I felt something run down my leg, It was blood.

We rushed to the hospital and they admitted me to Labor and Delivery at around 5:30 a.m. Then I waited. Since it was early Saturday morning nobody was in a big rush. The nurse told me that nobody wanted to do anything until they talked to my doctor. I just laid in the bed, bleeding. I was so scared. I knew that it was a lot of blood and that things were not good. I knew that my husband didn't know how serious it was and I didn't want to frighten him. Finally the on-call doctor from my practice got there. He did an ultrasound and the baby was fine and we found out it was a boy. Then he did an internal exam. It was now about 9 a.m. I was 5 cm dilated. They immediately put me on IV mag. sulfate and put me in the Trendelenburg position (head down, feet up). They said that the baby would need at least 2 more weeks to survive, but hoped to hold off the contractions for at least a month. Family came to visit me thinking that I would be in the hospital for quite some time. I felt Michael kicking all day and the nurses said that was a good sign.

Later on in the day, I started feeling worse. The contractions were getting much more painful. I was having to "breathe through" them. Late in the evening, around 9 p.m., I asked for a heating pad. When the nurse brought it in I was having another contraction. She asked my husband what I was doing and he told her that the contractions were hurting. I had already mentioned this to her before, but I guess she thought I was just paranoid. She ran out of the room and then came back in and said she was going to check me internally. The exam took a while, it was like she was feeling something and yet didn't want to admit that was what she was feeling. I was fully dilated. She had a really concerned look and told me that there was nothing else they could do. Then she went and got the doctor.

That's when I started crying. I hadn't cried all day even though I was so scared. But now I knew it was real. I was going to lose my baby. My water still hadn't broken, even though the membranes had been bulging since I was admitted. The doctor came in and broke my water. That was the worst part because I knew there was absolutely no hope at that point. It was all over. I was giving them the OK to kill my son. I mean, I know that nothing could be done, but still, it feels that way. The doctor told me to push and I just wanted to scream, "No!" After about 4 pushes Michael was born. He was born June 19th, weighed 15 ounces, and measured 10 ¾ inches. He was perfect and so beautiful. He looked like my father who passed away when I was 17. I stroked his face and put my finger in his tiny hand. He grasped my finger. After about 2 hours, Michael passed away.

Not too long after we lost Michael, our marriage fell apart. It wasn't because of the loss-things had been bad for quite a while. It's difficult to talk to my friends that I made who lost babies around the same time I did because they all have healthy babies now. I know I won't really heal until I have another child, and hopefully that will be soon. I'm engaged and looking forward to my new life. I think of having a baby and I'm so scared, but my desire for a child is stronger. If you have lost a baby because of incompetent cervix and want someone to talk to, I would love to hear from you. We can draw strength from each other.

My email address is meredith_barlow@hotmail.com