Sweet Cecilia

By Stacy

I couldn't stop smiling the day that the double line appeared; I was going to be a mother. I was at the end of my first year of teaching and I had to go into school on a weekend to correct mountains of papers. All I really wanted was to be with my husband and this new reality that was slowly taking hold. At school I found it hard to concentrate, but somehow I managed to assess the thoughts and ideas presented by my eighth grade students. As I sent my students on to high school, I looked at them in a new light...through the eyes of a mother.

Several years before this I had some not so good news. When going in for my yearly exam, I was informed that my pap smear had come back abnormal. There were pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. I was encouraged to have a freezing procedure done called cryotherapy. This was relatively painless and the results appeared good. Unfortunately, a couple years later my pap smear again came back abnormal. This time they suggested removal of the affected tissue by means of a LEEP. Part of my cervix was actually removed. I have wanted children ever since I can remember and I was afraid that this would interfere. It was my greatest fear that those who want children the most will not be able to have them. My GYN doctor told me that it shouldn't be a problem unless I had to have even more tissue taken. I was relieved to hear this news.

So, there I was pregnant and without worry. I decided to have my baby with midwives because I liked the special attention that they could offer. I went to my first appointment and proceeded to give the nurse my history. Nothing was said when I mentioned the cryotherapy or the LEEP, I believe that I brought it up to one of the midwifes once and my worries were washed away for the time. At the end of my first trimester, right before I was supposed to go to the boundary waters with my husband, I started to spot. I called the midwife right away and they told me that there was a chance that I could miscarry. Needless to say, I didn't go on the trip but instead went for an ultrasound. Everything looked normal and I was crying with joy at the thought that this was not serious. I spotted again about half a month later. Again I went back into the office and had another regular ultra sound performed. Everything looked normal once again. Not one time was there mention of my past surgical history or the diagnosis, incompetent cervix.

At 22 1/2 weeks I noticed a large amount of discharge with a small amount of red blood interlaced in it. I wasn't really worried because I had had spotting before and everything was fine (or so I was told). I felt a little weary about calling the midwives again, but my husband urged me to do just that. I called from my classroom that morning and a midwife that I had not yet met suggested that I go to the birthing center but was pretty sure that it was nothing. I asked her if there was a rush and she said that I should try and get there in about an hour. With this in mind, I wrote my lesson plans for the sub and told my students that I had to go in for testing but that I would be back tomorrow. That ended up not being the truth.  When I got to the hospital I was monitored for contractions. I was surprised to see that the tightness that I had been feeling the past day and a half were actually small contractions. I could hear the heartbeat of my baby all the while and when it moved there was a funny static-like sound.  My baby was moving more today than it ever had, it made me smile. I remember feeling badly because the woman behind the curtain next to my bed was being monitored because she hadn't felt her baby move in a long time. I wanted my baby to stop moving around so much because the static-like sound must have been hard for her to hear. The midwife finally arrived after I had been waiting for over an hour. She looked at the ups and downs of my contractions but did not appear alarmed in any way. This all changed when she did a physical examination and felt that I was three centimeters dilated. At this point events moved so fast and yet I remained oddly calm. I had thought that I was 24 weeks pregnant and they didn't have my records available, so they talked to me about the possibility of actually having the baby. They started to pump mag into me to try and stop my contractions.  All this while I was by myself. I hadn't thought that this was serious and so my husband, who works nights, was at home sleeping. I tried to call him, but he was sleeping too hard. I eventually had to have the police wake him up and yes it was a rude awakening. The nurses told me that I could cry, asked me how I could be so polite. I couldn't explain it, but I had an odd sense of peace. It sounds unbelievable, but just that morning I had shared a feeling that I had with my husband. I told him that I had oddest fear that we might lose the baby or that I would have to be on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. Perhaps God was preparing me for what was to come.  When my husband arrived, he was shocked into silence at hearing the situation. They were trying to stop my contractions, but the baby might come anyway. An OB/GYN doctor, who I happened to know personally, was going to take over because I was now high risk. The very first question that she asked me was, "You mean to tell me that you had both cryotherapy and a LEEP done and you told the midwives about both?" I told her yes in a very flat and defeated voice. She told us the situation as it was. At this point the baby was too underdeveloped to live. If I could hold off for a week and a half the baby might have a chance, but even then the baby could suffer from some very major defects. My husband and I had a very tough decision to make. If we wanted to proceed with the delivery, even though the baby would not live, she would support it. I closed my eyes and  prayed to God, I can't make this decision, I need you to carry me. While waiting to get more information on the types of defects that our child could have, God took the decision out of my hands; my water broke. My baby was breach, but I delivered her in about four hours. I asked if she would be alive when she was born and the nurse said she couldn't say one way or another. Since the baby was breach, her feet and body came out quickly. Her head, being much larger than the rest of her was slower to come. She probably suffocated while being born. She was born still.

 My husband and I did not know what sex she was, but I found it strange again that we could only agree upon a girls name up to this point. I was sure that I was having a boy; all of the signs pointed to that. In fact I was rather worried that we would be pushing to find a boy's name up to the last minute. Our baby was a girl and Cecilia Leigh Starin was her name.  She was born on September 27, 2000. She weighed one pound and was approximately ten and a fourth inches long. She was beautiful and perfect. Her mouth and chin were like my husband's, but her long fingers and feet were just like mine. I could understand why God would want my perfect little baby to be an angel. I held her all night long, and thank God each day that I did.  We had Celia's body cremated and we spread her ashes in my husband's parent's prairie. We had a field stone engraved with her name, the date she was born, a butterfly, and a cross. My father-in-law and my husband built a cedar fence enclosing her stone. It is a wonderful place to visit her.  We planted flowers and in the spring they will blossom and frame her stone with life. That thought is comforting.  I wanted to be pregnant right away, as soon as the doctor gave me the O.K. My husband and I are still struggling with all of this, but I hope that I will become pregnant very soon. A piece of my soul left with Cecilia, but there is so much left of me to give. I hope God grants me the true blessing to do just that. Life is so very precious, my sweet Cecilia  taught me that.

You can e-mail me at cstarin@earthlink.net   I want to help as many mothers heal as possible. ----Stacy