The Road To My Boy

By Debbie

I sit and watch the angel face of my darling little boy and marvel at the miracle of his birth.  Even though he is my fourth child, even though he was my sixth pregnancy, I find myself crying tears of happiness every night as he sleeps in my arms, my little miracle.

My problems with my cervix started at 18 when I had my first cryo (freezing) of my cervix for "bad" cells.  This continued several times in my 20's along with the necessary biopsies. 

At 23 I wanted to have a baby.  I thought it would be easy, but as the months passed I became frantic as each month brought disappointment. (In retrospect the repeated cryos had destroyed my cervical mucous, making conception difficult.) Pregnant women made tears come to my eyes.  Finally after 15 months of trying I had a positive pregnancy test.  I was so happy!  I was also worried.  I had faint spotting for several days.  My doctor arranged for
me to have an ultrasound to check out the spotting.  I had no idea what they were or were not seeing on the screen.  By the time they were done, I was experiencing a lot of discomfort.  I put this down to the very full bladder I had for the ultrasound, but we called the doctor anyway.  He told me to go to the hospital immediately because I had an ectopic pregnancy.  I didn't even know what that was and all of a sudden I was part of a whirlwind of activity to prepare me for the emergency surgery I needed.  They told me I could die if I didn't have this surgery. I was scared and sad.  I had wanted a baby for so long and now they were going to "kill" my baby (in my mind). I woke up from surgery in much pain (this colored me against c-sections for ever!), disoriented from the drugs, depressed that my baby was gone and smack dab in the middle of a post partum floor! (At least they gave me another gyn patient as a room mate!)  I recovered quickly (physically- mentally I have hung onto the pain always) and was determined to try again. 

As soon as we were allowed we resumed trying. This time I got pregnant on my first cycle.  Once again I was spotting, but an ultrasound brought good news this time.  Implantation was in my uterus!  They felt the spotting was from the placenta a small abruption. I found myself in a scary situation again.  I was terrified I would lose this baby too.  I was put on bedrest until the spotting resolved itself. It wasn't strict, just more bed than up, no heavy anything, and pelvic rest.  At 5 months I was allowed to be a normal pregnant person!  I enjoyed being pregnant and anxiously waited for the birth. At 35 weeks my doctor said I would be early as he found me 3 cm dilated and it was my first baby.  Well, baby had other ideas and came at 41 weeks, 6 days.  It was a painful (posterior birth), but quick (4 ½ hours) labor. Erica was 7 pounds, 4 ounces and very healthy.  I was a mom!

In the fall of 1990 I found myself pregnant again.  Once again I was spotting, but it didn't worry me this time.  Everything had been fine last time! I wanted to go very natural and decided to get prenatal care at a local birthing center, watched and cared for by midwives.  With the exception of a class 2 PAP, all seemed fine until it was time to hear the heartbeat. I had a tipped uterus so they thought that might be why we didn't hear it at my 12-week visit.  All other signs were still good. They felt confident we would hear it at my 16-week check.  At 15 weeks my spotting returned and was heavier - though not heavy- and a different color.  The midwives told me to go to the hospital.  I had no idea the nightmare I was about to enter.  The emergency room was busy.  They had no rooms for me.  They found a space to catherize me and sent me for a vaginal ultrasound.  I found this very humiliating.  The tech handed me the wand to insert.  I did so with tears flowing.  I knew somehow that I was losing my baby.  The tech located the fetus on the screen but there was no heartbeat. I was wheeled back out to the hall of the ER.  A doctor came and told me my baby had died at some point. 
He told me all of the usual about how it was best there were probably problems, etc.  He then said my body would absorb the "tissue" and I should go home!  I was stunned.  The thought of my body absorbing my baby of having to walk around with this going on, made me ill.  (The pregnancy was much smaller than a 15 week pregnancy would be. We don't know why I didn't miscarry earlier.) To complete my humiliation my catheter was removed in the hall in front of any one who wanted to look. I went home to curl up and wait.  Fortunately (?) I started to bleed heavily 5 days later.  At 16 weeks I was told to rush back to the ER.  The hemorrhaging was quite alarming and I was angry and scared.  I got a room this time and passed large clots and more I never saw.  A doctor checked me and said I had miscarried completely.  I was put in a cubicle to be watched as I had lost a lot of blood.  They released
me several hours later with instructions to see a doctor in a few days.   I went to a Dr. recommended by my birthing center and he told me that they were wrong, I hadn't miscarried completely and I needed a D&C.  It was scheduled for the next day.  I went in to the outpatient surgery department at a local hospital.  I hadn't realized this would be called an abortion and was very angry that it was stated as such on my chart. I had the procedure and went home, sad, humiliated and angry at the medical community.

I hadn't realized how much I had wanted a baby until I lost that one. I felt so blessed to have Erica and hadn't thought I would have another. The loss caused me to desperately want another baby!  As soon as I was allowed, I was pregnant again.  Once again I was spotting. I called a Perinatalogist I heard of from a friend, and begged them to take me as a patient.  I was so determined not to lose another baby!  They agreed to take me even though they usually took patients by referral.  They did a urine pregnancy test and it was if-fy (another thing I had experienced with each pregnancy.  Home pregnancy tests that were not quite positive and NO pregnancy symptoms.)  A blood test confirmed my pregnancy and we set out in my care.  Once again we didn't hear a heart beat but this time I had weekly ultrasounds to keep an eye on things.  The pregnancy progressed great until I started having more  contractions (8 to 10 an hour) at 6 months.  Modified bedrest helped slow them to a more acceptable level and I never needed medications.  Once again I was dilated early 2cm at 36 weeks. (I had contractions seemingly all the time!) I laughed when the doctor said I would probably be early.  At 40 weeks I was 5 cm dilated and he said not to bother making next week's appointment. I made it anyway and after contracting off and on all week, walked in almost 6 cm dilated. We decided to break my water the next day and Brianna was born
(once again posterior!) after 5 hours labor- 2 ½ of that pushing. OUCH! She weighed in at 8 pounds 14 oz and was only 18 ½ inches long!

I was in a bad domestic violence-filled marriage and things came to a head 7 months later with a violent encounter that left me pregnant.  I was determined to have a better life for my children and the kid's father and I split up.  I once again went to my wonderful doctor.  I had the same lack of symptoms, but I was indeed pregnant. The doctor wanted me to stop nursing because of my history, but I continued until Bri was 10 months. I felt very detached this time due to the stress of living with threats, stalkings and eventually a bad beating while I was 5 months pregnant.  The beating sent me into preterm labor. It was managed with bedrest and Terbutaline.  My two girls now one and 6, lived with my parents for much of my pregnancy.  Maybe due to my stress, I experienced IUGR and borderline gestational diabetes(GD) this time. It was very scary for me.  It also helped me bond incredibly with
my baby- a girl I named Summer after my grandparents.  Seeing her on the ultrasound screen was powerful.  Because the father was jailed and being released on February 23rd we decided to induce then to let me have a private birth. (He had threatened to get a court order to be present.) As usual, I was dilated early and the induction went well. I went from 3 to 10 in 30 minutes and Summer (NOT posterior!) slid out in 2 pushes! She was only 5 pounds, 4 ounces, but very perfect.

At my 6 week check I had the usual PAP smear. We thought it would be fine but we were wrong. I had to come in for a biopsy and then cryo.  I lost count of how many I had!  At the next check, 3 months later, I was told I would be fine wrong!!! To make matters worse, my beloved doctor left San Diego to start a high risk practice in Montana and a strange doctor called with the news I had possible cervical cancer.  GULP! I was a single mom of 3 young
girls and so scared!  I met with the recommended doctor who was not great in the bedside manner department.  He did a biopsy, which by then made me sick from the pain of it.  He was NOT understanding, to say the least. He wanted to do a laser surgery on me ASAP.  He lasered out almost all of my cervix as well as some of my vagina.  It worked for about 7 months when I had a return of bad cells, but thankfully only some mild dysplasia.  I found a new doctor who was wonderful. The first thing she said to me was, " Did he know you
wanted to preserve your fertility?" DR- not-so wonderful had taken so much of my cervix my new doctor thought I wouldn't ever be able to get pregnant without "help".  She did a very thin LEEP and I went on to every 3 month PAPs. All went well for a year and then it was back again but this time I refused treatment and decided to wait and see. If it progressed to cancer again they could take it all out, but until then, I wanted to keep my parts!  I have now been clean for 4 years!

Fast forward to 1999 I was very busy working as a preschool teacher, taking care of my now 5 girls (new great guy in 1994 who has 2 daughters) and going to school.  At the end of the school year, I forgot to pick up my birth control pills. I took them as a precaution. (We weren't ready to try to get pregnant and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through the heart break of infertility that they thought I would have.) I didn't give my few-days-late-pick up much thought because I was infertile, RIGHT? No cervical mucous to get things moving, RIGHT? School started in the fall of 1999 and I was feeling sick often. I had been telling my husband that my breasts were sore too. Pregnancy never entered my mind as I never had
pregnancy symptoms in the past. It struck me maybe I should test one day and for the first time ever I had an instant, very dark positive test. I was stunned and scared. This would not be an easy pregnancy. I knew I would need a "stitch" (didn't know the name), need to find a new peri as mine had long gone to Montana, and prepare my family for me being on bedrest, not to mention a new baby!  (Our youngest was 6 going on 7.)  After I freaked out, called a few people and then waited for my husband to get home from out of town, I started calling doctors. It took a few days but I found a great team in my town who I felt comfortable with. We went in two weeks later, at the end of September. I was so scared that it would be ectopic again, or something would be wrong right away or maybe twins!  When we saw the
heartbeat and a fairly big baby, I cried.  There was one baby, approximately 12 weeks and going strong! I got an EDD of April 10, 2000. The doctor then went to do my physical exam. He had joked that all of my high risk problems: PTL, GD, IUGR, old age (38) could be overcome now let's look at that cervix.  He was so stunned that he forgot to do a PAP. All I knew was things got very serious, very quickly. I wasn't surprised when he said I needed a cerclage and told me I would need a Shirodkar as I didn't have enough cervix to place
a McDonald. (He later told me that I had NO vaginal cervix.) He explained what that was and said it would take about 45 minutes to do.  I was scheduled for the following week. The surgery took an hour and a half. The doctor said it was the most difficult placement he ever did, but he got a good stitch.  I lost a lot of blood, but not enough for a transfusion, just extra fluids.  I went home a few hours later to stay in bed a few days. The plan was to not
bedrest immediately, but probably later. I went back in the next day because of fever and earned my first night in the hospital.  I also learned I had placenta previa. It was argued about how complete it was and was just a taste of things to come in this pregnancy.  I started contracting immediately after my surgery and never stopped so was on bedrest from the first day. I started Tebutaline at 22 weeks which helped until 30 weeks when I was hospitalized
and put on Magnesium Sulfate. It wasn't as bad as I had heard, but I didn't like it! It was then my doctor told me he thought I would never have made it to 30 weeks. My cervix was so bad! A doctor who had scrubbed into my cerclage placement said it looked like they were doing a vaginal hysterectomy, they had to dissect me so much to place the stitch. I did efface by 28 weeks, but essentially all held great with my stitch!  In the hospital my baby (A BOY!!)
was having heart rate decells and so after my release I was set up to have twice weekly NSTs and AFIs (I also had low fluid at week 28 and was borderline GD again.) There was good news, my placenta previa had corrected itself.  At my first NST baby had a decell and I was admitted. The doctor saw a double nuchal cord (two times around his neck) and I needed to be monitored. That was ok with me! I didn't want to go through all I had to lose
my baby to a cord accident!  I had two admissions for this- I like to say they let me out for the weekends, and at 34 weeks we did an amnio to check on lung maturity.  It was decided we would take my stitch out on the weekend and induce the next day.  My stitch removal went well, though my doctor told me I could not do this again. (We already decided one of us would take care of permanent birth control.) I went the next day to L&D to be induced. After almost 24 hours on pitocin and doing my Bradley breathing, it was determined
I had a failed induction. I could go home, continue NSTs and wait, or have a c-section. As much as I wanted a vaginal birth, I chose a c-section. I needed my baby here safely. I was wheeled into the surgery and a spinal administered. Not one to ever have things go easy, I felt the cutting and they ended up knocking me out! At 10:50 AM on March 6, 2000, Kyle Tab entered the world. I remember someone telling me to look at my baby and then I was out again. He spent 48 hours in NICU for fast breathing but was otherwise healthy and beautiful. I saw him from a gurney in the NICU and just marveled that he was here. Kyle is a precious gift and I am so blessed! Every complication, every day of my 24 weeks of bedrest were so worth it! He is living proof that you can have virtually no cervix and have a successful
pregnancy with a Shirodkar stitch. 

If anyone has any questions or need encouragement in your difficult pregnancy, please feel free to email me at flowerdeb@aol.com.