September 2004

Date: 30-09-04 Time: 9.00am

 Irony.  The light hearted comment that has sat on the bed post for several days appears to have been another nail in the coffin.  Its purpose had been to make light of the heavy situation.  My humour sucks.

Date: 29-09-04 Time: 7.00pm

Today is my son's 15th birthday.  He isn't here to celebrate it with me...but I rang him and he seemed to be having a good time anyway.  

Today I created total devastation.  And I never even saw it coming.

What happens when you realise you have been having a relationship (with everything sans sex) without even knowing it?  And then it is gone. I look to have lost a dear friend, a housemate, the person I love and fucked up royally the lives of those nearest and dearest to me.  I didn't think I was being selfish.  I was honest and this is where it lead me.  I couldn't pretend that things were one way when they weren't.  I wish I could have...cause then just maybe she wouldn't have walked away hating me.

Sometimes when you take chances and be true to yourself it just slaps you back in the face.  I don't think my leaving the confines of my room is safe for anyone.  Things seemed to be getting better.  Didn't take much to prove me wrong.  When you love someone's company so much it is easy to delude yourself that things are fine...you just want it to be so badly.

Thing is this isn't something I will get over.  Not something that just goes away because it is inconvenient.  Why is it that we always hurt the ones we love?  Is it cause they leave themselves wide open to those who know their greatest vulnerabilities.  Or is it that sometimes, when things really matter, you can't make the same compromises you might have been able to do when it wasn't so important.

Today I am not sure whether I deserve to be loved but at least I know I am capable of it.  

Date: 22-09-04 Time: 1.00pm

Yes, heart is still broken, but maybe something can be resurrected from the broken pieces.  Time will tell and all that cliched bullshit.  Doesn't stop it hurting but then again isn't love always a little bit like that.  

Guess I learnt something new about myself with this one though.  My boundaries are different to some people, and that it is their boundaries that count if they are smaller than mine.  I have never really considered myself laid back but in this instance that is what got me in to trouble.

Went en masse to the movies last night.  The four housemates and a couple of extras all trooped down to the Astor to catch an anime movie double.  They were by the man responsible for the excellent Spirited Away.  The Astor is currently showing his movies on Tuesdays...going to catch another double next week, though hopefully we will all be  a bit more organised.  Some of us were there early and got tickets before eating.  The others then were forced to stand in a queue that stretched out of the cinema and half way around the block (due to mix up with the plans we didn't think to get them tickets earlier).  We all made it in before the movies rolled. 

Miyasaki has an excellent hold on the characterisation of children.  The second movie, the one I had really wanted to see, was cute and full of funny gags and hilarious creatures.  The soot balls seen in Spirited Away make an appearance.  One of the funniest scenes being that where the younger girl eyes them off as they hide in a crack in the attic.  He has also a great sense of layers within the film.  Smaller items that are secondary to the film, add depth to the experience.  All in all preferred My neigbour Torturo to the longer and more adult Nausicca. 

This week is actually destined to be a bit crammed.  Josh goes away next week to the Transplant Games, thus missing his birthday.  Trying to sort his presents out, get ready for Mel arriving (yay!!!! it's next Tuesday) and catch up on things like the Impressionists Exhibition which closes this Saturday.  We have been saying we were going since the damn thing opened and now looks like we will have to go on the last day.  Also have several uni assignments piling up.  My discipline is not really up to this correspondence thing.  I think if I had some sort of form in my life I might be able to roster study in....as it stands...not much.

Whoops!!! 

Date: 19-09-04 Time: 6.00pm

Another month has nearly past.  So what has occupied me over this passage of time.  Well of course there is the mundane.  House is looking really shiny.  New cleaning roster means no one gets left to do everything.  Even Josh, who has had a tendency in the past to bitch and moan, has been pulling his weight without threats.

Been back reading again.  Bit of DA and a lot of Firefly.  Actually some really good ones out there.  And for whatever flavour floats your boat.  Even been reading at FFnet which I have avoided like the plague for quite a while.  After the forum boards, it is unwieldy and often stubborn.

Also managed to get my heart broken.  This one was something that hit me out of the blue.  Usually you are prepared for things like this...you know that pain is coming and can batten down the hatches till the worst is over.  Not this time.  

Date: 22-08-04 Time: 3.00pm

Quiet Sunday afternoon.  A chance to reflect on my week and spend some time online.

Spent yesterday watching a rather low budget play called Mort (based on the Terry Pratchett characters and Mort who is apprenticed to Death).  The writing wasn't too bad but the acting was as hammed as possible and the stage setting....well school plays seem to run on a bigger budget and with cleverer use of the available resources.

Afterwards went to see Donnie Darko the Director's Cut.  Funny.  The reviewers are praising it to high heaven, personally I preferred the less over worked version that was the original.  Too obvious now. They lead you to what the final scene is rather than making you think about it all that much.  Also flashing images were just visually annoying.

Been watching FireFly (the Joss Whedon short lived show which is soon to be made into a feature length movie called Serenity(Links to The Official Movie Website) .)  A friend has bought the DVD box set.  Rewatching the first few discs and putting off the final inevitability that there was no more.  Though must have been worse for those who witnessed it on tv only to have it cancelled.  At least on our watching we know what we are getting ourselves into and that there is a glimmer of hope on the horizon...Bring on the movie.

For the uninitiated, Firefly is another Joss Whedon blend of genres.  A little bit country, a little bit space, alot of adventure, some thriller and drama rolled in and laced together with comedy.  He started this particular show with a core cast of 9 but every single character plays a role in sucking you into the world.  Clever use of language and imagery place it in a future that is a possible extrapolation of who we are now.  Without the squeaky clean look and moral attitude that was used in Star Trek and with a likeable cast and old western feel.  It is definitely something new and different.  And unfortunately that is always risky.

 Been also watching the Olympics.  One person worried me in her attitude far more than primping yanks.  She is one of the Aussie swimmers.  After swimming a race in which she had set a world record the night before in the heats, she came third.  Her disappointment was understandable.  Get the WR which will only stand till another swims faster, get a gold medal and no one can take it away from you.  What was the most distressing was that she said she obviously wasn't meant to win a gold medal.  This is from a girl who was the faster ever swimmer in that event.  She pulled herself together for the next event she had and managed to get a silver (being just touched out at the last metre or so).  When she came to the interviewer (former Gold medallist Kieran Perkins) this time she was slightly less despondent. She knew she had given her all, to the point she could barely walk from the pool.  She accepted her limitations.  I think though one of her greatest limitations was her feeling of not being worthy.  Being still young, she will have more chances for Olympic Gold in the future, but I worry about the mental pressure and feelings of self worth these swimmers have.  Maybe the Yanks have it right.  Believing you are superior can actually get you over the line even if you aren't the best sometimes.

On the home front, the house seems to be going well.  I say seems because sometimes things occur that seem to have been bottled up frustration finally surfacing.  We are essentially a household of between 3-5.  Erin (Cirocco) is absent nearly as much as she is present, making household day to day administration hard to navigate and the division of chores sometimes near impossible.  She may be here less of the time but when she is her boyfriend (Thomas) is too.  Which makes it kinda awkward to sort things out.  He is a nice enough boy, a bit on the bland side with some odd idiosyncrasies, many of which stem from being kept outside the education system and home schooled till he was well into his teens.  Sometimes he goes against the tide of common courtesy merely because he has never been exposed to those ideals.  Also he has a tendency to selfishness because of the lack of peer interaction, and the need for compromise.  It sometimes works when we are all in the house.  But other times it feels awkward and retreating to the space of our own bedrooms is a relief.

That is the interesting part of sharing.  We went into it with one type of idea of how it would work (well we probably had separate takes on that idea but we did discuss quite widely).  Now there seems to be a gap where before there wasn't.  Erin is left out of the household, not through us wanting to exclude her but, because her presence is fleeting.  This is unfortunate because most ideas are floated on the spur of the moment and I am sure she feels we are talking behind her back and pushing her out.  It isn't that at all...  In some ways it would have been easier if she and Thomas had found themselves a place to live. Then the time we spent with her would be dedicated to friendship not the day to day mundane sorting out.

But our household will be mutating again soon when Josh is gone and Mel is here.  After her last visit I have no fear of her presence whatsoever.  She fitted in so well and we had such a wonderful time.  I feel a little guilty bringing her into a house where sometimes tension seems to erupt out of the blue. We are all adults so maybe we should deal more openly.  Everything seems to be put off for one reason or another.  

This sharing really has the potential to work as a long term prospect.  At least that seems to be what Josh and Alana want from it all.  The being within walking distance of the CBD, the largest clothes/shoe shopping precinct and the really good restaurants is great.  Josh has found making it to school much easier since his travelling time has been cut in half.  And it is a great house.  Hopefully we'll all sort it out.  

*****************

Date: 20-08-04 Time: 3.10am

Insanity Reigns

Long time not much online time..again.  Been too busy getting a life and changing nearly everything.  New car, new house, new housemates, new uni course, new hair cut, several trial new hair colours all in all not much the same.  

Had a night of joyous craziness...a housewarming (see pics here).  Have finally convinced our lovely friend, the gracious and bubbly Mel (Enigma) to run away from home and join our circus. She is moving down in October.  She'll be slotting into Josh's room while he has his 2 months away at Clunes Residential Camp.  Interesting concept where the rich kids get a reality check.  They are expected to run a home (in groups of 8) including having to do all their own washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping ...everything. I am sure he'll have fun...I know we all will :D!!!!

This is only a short little bloggy to say that I am still alive...but will be back soon with a longer one (the computer ate the longer one I had done and have been getting no sleep so should be getting offline sometime soon.)   

Olympics!!! That crazy sleep deprivation is turning me loopy.

*****************

April 2004

Date 22-04-04 Time: 11 pm

Been abducted by aliens

Here  I am supposed to be in denial of reality.  Instead the bastard thing has kidnapped for over 3 months and stored me away in this horrid place where I work ridiculous hours for what seems not that much pay.  The guilt has been steadily overwhelming me but may get beaten to the finish line by the exhaustion.  Yes, once again my work sucks.  I made the mistake of going back.  They history never repeats but for me it has been.  Why oh why can't I just learn from my mistakes and move on.

Scenario goes.  Hated very much the work as a slave for the cafe people.  The idea of being treated as an imbecile even though I am more highly skilled and trained than my bosses finally got to me.  Enough so that I broke a vow I made to myself several years ago.  I went back to Red Rooster.  They of the evil chickens.

Years ago I left the place gleefully.  I hated the bosses, I hated the hours, I especially hated the being coated in chicken juice every morning when I stuffed the damn chickens.  It was demoralising.  So instead I went and worked in the museum on a volunteer basis.  Maybe not so good for the bank balance but definitely healthier for the soul.  Irony being I learnt taxidermy and was working in the ornithology section ...stuffing birds.  This however was a more meaningful and cerebral affair.  

A friend a few months ago knew I was absolutely hating my last job.  She too had been a RR escapee, but had heard that things had changed.  Offering to see if they were looking for managers she took my resume and submitted it.  I was actually happy to hear from them.  So stupid I was to believe things had changed.

Now several months later, after a totally shortened reaquaintance, I was thrown in the deep end without any sort of readiness. This would be okay if I had been given a store where the staff were in anyway useful.  Instead I have people that just don't bother to turn up (or let me know that they aren't turning up) to shifts, I have a store where I can't turn my back without something breaking or something going wrong.  

Problem in all this is that the only way to make things better is for me to be a total bitch. The order has come from on high to hire and fire.  This is all well and good but I am not very good at the bitch anymore.  Had the stuffing knocked out of me one too many times I think.  I am also supposed to give those not performing "counselling" sessions that I document in the store diary.  I so suck at this whole thing.  

Worst part is the time I am not getting to spend with Josh.  I have spent weekends where is asleep when I leave for work and when I get home due to the 13.5 hour work day and travel time.  This is compounded by working nights where I don't get home till after 11pm.  I have just had a house mate move in this last week or so.  It is good that he isn't totally alone but I wish that it was me getting to spend time with him.

I miss my online time terribly.  I miss my writing, my friends, chat and just being able to indulge myself in reading and appreciating the world of the internet.  Ah ...I now want a day time job which doesn't expect me to work 13.5 hour days or 60 hour weeks.  Surely I am qualified to do something out there that isn't shoving stuff up a chicken's arse!!!!

*****************

Date: 22-01-04 Time:1.45 am

Bored am I!! 

Finding little quizzes to see how warped I shall!!

Okay and this so doesn't sound like me.  Think the whole new age thing may be a little lost on my pragmatic self.

Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's beauty and just the life that no-one else sees. Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't mean you're not friendly!
 What kind of dark person are you?

Okay yes like the dark beauty...

I'm an Atheist!



Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons

 

I am a Hippy



Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

 

 

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?

brought to you by

Quizilla

 

*****************

 

 

Date: 16-01-04 Time: 6.15 pm

Blown Away

Last night went and saw Evanescence live.  The crowd was enraptured...the girl is amazing.  Her voice basically is soul stealing stuff.  You feel a tightness in your chest when she hits certain notes.  It was awesome.  Thankyou Spike for the coolest Xmas present. 

I am still buzzing from the show and it has even seen me through a horrible day at work.  Tight bosses haven't replaced the woman boss who has gone overseas for 3 weeks- so we a re one staff member short.  Fine when it is quiet and it allows them to save money but we got slammed today.  Expected to work twice as hard just because they want to save money.  Tell me again why the hell I put myself through this depressing bullshit? 

Someone made the suggestion I run away from home and back pack for a little while.  This is sort of hard given my number one commitment to my son.  Yet it has dawned on me that this year I could probably do exactly that for about 2 months.  He is going on an extended camp thing his school runs.  The idea is he spends 8 weeks living in a house with 7 other students and learns how to budget and live life as an independent person while learning a slightly different curriculum as well.  Sort of life lessons that are pretty damn cool and maybe might give him a better appreciation of home and what life entails.  In that time I can only visit him once...but it is a chance for me to go do something without having to neglect him.  Mmm...definitely food for thought.  Not sure where I want to go though.  Any suggestions as to where would be cheap and a great experience?  Thinking it would be October November that I would go.

*****************

Date: 08-01-04 Time: 11.30pm

Saw the coolest little things on TBW the other day.  One of the girls had as her sig banner this tiny little internet bumper sticker.  They are so cool with something for every occasion.

 http://www.internetbumperstickers.com/

Been busy perusing some other blogs and came across a lucky girl who was destined to marry Johnny Depp...so I tried my luck and ended up with Orli (can't complain on that I guess.- and knew I would end up with a Brit boy ;) ).

You are going to Marry Orlando Bloom. He will
always treat you right and is very romantic. He
will do anything for you. He is very polite and
has deep brown eyes and is very good looking
(which is another plus!). He can make anything
cheesy look really good (like sliding down
stairs on a shield shooting arrows or wearing
pointy ears for example). Congrats!!

Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

*****************

Date: 08-01-04 Time: 12.20am

Brownie points

Been out with the family today.  Well, finally found the right present for a 60th memory for my Mum.  Needed to be something a little different to the every other occasion things...usually DVDs or trinket or jewellery.  She basically has way more than she needs anyway. This was a really nice African Statue from a  store we have both admired things from many a time.  She seemed really pleased...as was I because in this case I got a bargain...usually they are just way too expensive for my budget.  In gratitude she bought me a DVD and a park bench...which I have erected and placed on my porch amongst the ferns and fairy lights.  Nice retreat in the heat of summer.

I have been a bit tired of late.  Lots of work due to a not very pleasant occurrence at work.  One of the guys who works there has been suspected of taking money from the till.  Why I hate this so much is is puts everyone under scrutiny and makes it all awkward and trust goes out the door.  I think he is a dick.  Basically my bosses suck as people but are really fair on the work front.  They make sure we get paid fairly, have all our breaks, finish on time, have discounted food and free coffee.  They may be rude but they are more than fair.  He denies it all but I myself saw him tucking something into his waist band when he thought no one was looking after having come from the till.  Basically h rings up and order and gives the person change but takes more out at the same time.  My boss found him with $20 dollars in his hand the other day.  Silly thing is they don't want to fire him cause they are in a staff crisis as everyone is on holiday.  Has meant he is only on shifts where they can supervise him closely and I have been given 6 days this week.  Hate profiting this way but really he should have been smarter.

I really need to get myself better organised.  It has been over a month now since I moved in...or at least signed the lease on this place.  That means that there are only 5 months left.  the countdown begins.  By that time I want to have sorted and condensed my immense hoard into a more mobile unit.  It is unlikely that the next place I rent will have the benefit of a large covered back porch and 2 bungalows as extra storage.  I have chucked and I have donated but still there seems so much.  It doesn't help that I accumulate at a seriously silly rate.  Ah well just another bad habit I need to fix.

Other thing bugging me has been a bit of an itch I am not willing to scratch due to the complications that could arise.  Not ready for a relationship at the minute.  I am one big enough mess without trying to fit someone in...and it shouldn't feel like such a chore but it would be when I am sort of flying by the seat of my pants most of the time.  Whether I will ever be ready is more scary.  Maybe I just need someone to casually assault when needed...

*****************

Date: 04-01-04 Time: 12.24pm

Searching for clues as to what I really want

Well, made it successfully through another New Years and survived the Christmas bogey man.  Think this may have been one of my most and sane and enjoyable Xmases ever.  Largely thankyou to a good friend who was there when I needed her...even went so far as to help out with the relatives which should earn you a bravery award.  Only known her about 12 months but she has proven her worth as a friend time and again while older friends have drifted away.  Through her I have in fact made some other friends.  Each is really interesting in their own right.  And all have proven they are good company.

New Years was spent in the city.  Nice leisurely stroll in with food for a picnic.  We made it in in time to find a prime position for the kiddie fireworks at 9.30pm.  They were in a fairly new park that was created in the heart of the city along the river bank.  The fireworks were set off from a barge and all very pretty.  Funny thing was dinner was all so very terribly healthy. Salad and rolls followed by fruit, with water to drink.  This is the result of way too much rich food and takeout.  Walking around supermarkets and being told by your stomach firmly that "No I don't want chocolate....no I don't want soft drink...no I don't want chips or anything with a high fat content".  Fresh food was definitely a pleasant change...so was the lack of guilt that accompanied the eating of it.

After we had eaten we strolled into Federation Square.  Our plan of attack was to see a Melbourne band called The Cat Empire  which has a kinda hiphop meets Latin fusion which is both infectious and really cool.  WE got one great spot to see them ... about 3 metres from the stage on the side so we were just about level with it.  Federation Square is an architectural marvel was an amphitheatre- the acoustics were amazing.  It also provided a pretty good site to see most of the midnight fireworks.  After which we strolled leisurely back out in a jovial mood and surrounded by people also feeling the same way.  Biggest thing I got from the whole New year experience  was looking around and seeing all these people out...even the little kiddies...to say hello to the future with hope.  Hope isn't a bad characteristic to share with a crowd I can tell you.

So all in all a good start to the new year. Though maybe a confusing one.  Been taking some steps to get out and socialise more...but they have left me a bit confused as to who I am and want I want.  Apart from the expected and unwanted pressure from my family to be normal... I have discovered that I am not the only one out here who has really denounced the normal shell as just never going to work.  Met a friend's grandmother the other day and she was, apart from being highly entertaining, a really good example of exactly what I want in life. She is widowed but finds life so much easier alone because she can do it her way and when she wants.  I know internally I would like a partner some of the time...when I had one what the hell would I do with them ... and how can I put them away without hurting feelings when I just haven't got the patience to attend to their whims.  yes, i know that sounds terribly selfish but it is also honest.  I don't like to compromise and alone I don't have to.  Just need a 'fuck buddy' really because the company part is already all cool. 

I have always had a bad habit of being really close with my boyfriends best mate but never sleeping with them.  Distancing technique- I guess in a way it is part of how I kept people at bay.  By giving different parts of me to different people so no one person could either control me or desert me.  Usually I had more in common with the friend but zero attraction whereas was hot for my boyfriend. I guess it is how I dealt with the fact of no one being perfect.  I constructed a Borg like cube with all the components. Really I am so not a people person.  Did a quiz that was on CJs blog.  Was not at all surprised by the outcome.

You're a Wood Elf!! You care deeply for nature and
animals..at a disregard for most races. You
generally won't touch a weapon, and only use
your magic to help nature. Often you live alone
in the woods, don't in groups.

What Fantasy Race Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

*****************

December 2003

Date: 22-12-03 Time: 12.36am

Curve Balls aren't all bad.

After several days of madly rushing around, all my belongings are now safely out of my father's house and stashed in my humble new abode.  This is proving a problem in only one way.  I have a party tomorrow night...now les than 24 hours away and the house in full of boxes and general scariness.  Thankfully a helpful little Elf has been over and made major inroads into the mess but it will be touch and go whether it will be done given I have to work all day tomorrow.

The weekend was a disaster.  I had moved most of the furniture and larger items several weeks ago and had been slowly feeding the boxed possessions over.  That was until Daddy..the same person who told me to take my time...decided he wanted it all out including the animals ...in a 24 hours period.  Basically about 45 large boxes of stuff dumped in my house when I know that i am entertaining in a few days time.  Mind you it was so silly that we were still fixing fences and releasing the dogs after midnight.  No wonder the poor things were so damn unsettled that night.  But at last it is all over.  Roll on Boxing Day when this madness is all finished.

Today I got a wonderful curve ball.  My first xmas present was presented to me.  Well actually the promise of my first Xmas present as it is tickets for Evanescence in January which have been purchased but are going to arrive some time later this week or next week in the mail.  It was such a pleasant shock.  The tickets are something I really wanted but would never spend my money on cause couldn't really afford them.  Concert tickets seem like such an extravagance but also the sort of thing I love to receive. Kudos to the giver for being so astute.

*****************

Date:16-12-03 Time: 1.15 am

Stop the treadmill I want to get off

Wow, it only takes a few bad days and I want to escape my life entirely. Not that I am ever truly that comfortable in my own skin...but there are moments.  Split seconds that seem to last for ages but when I have an overwhelming sense of well being and appreciation for life.  Then this fleeting glimpse at happiness evaporates and the grey and foreboding overtakes it.  AS I have said before...I am sick of feeling scared.  Scared of what the future holds, scared of what people think of me, scared that I am becoming someone I really do not like in the least...someone I have no respect for and therefore have no right to expect others to.  

Sometimes I really feel sorry for my friends having to put up with my bemoaning how terrible my life is.  I see them trying to look interested and maintain the air of support I am demanding of them...but I am so unfair.  the worst part is when I am in full vent mode I really seem unable to quit.  I can step outside of myself and I cringe at the noises that come bleating out of my mouth.

Worse than that is that of late one person has copped far more than her fair share.  No one should be forced to listen to the ramblings of a crazy woman.  Yet she nods her head and occasionally pokes me in the ribs to make sure I am still alive.  Other than her and Josh I am careful to limit my human interaction to work (where it is on the level of paid slave to disdainful masters).  I really am not a people person.  Give me animals any day.  Well any animals other than cats.

That has been my greatest downfall with study.  In subjects where I can research and write and essay I get top marks.  When it comes to 'group projects'  I am likely to skip classes merely cause failing or taking the chance I will fail is far less scary than the people I would have to face.  I haven't always been this phobic.  It is something that is kinda grown in me, perpetuated by other self esteem issues I know.  I used to be the little hostess with the mostest.  Having regular gatherings of friends.  Now these days I avoid any gatherings if I can.  The 21st I went to on the weekend I was trying to get out of up until the last minute.  

I had fun.  I would have felt really guilty if I had pulled out.  Yet, it is one of those things where I want to avoid putting myself through the stress, and every time it just seems to get worse until leaving the house for social interaction is terrifying. This is something I really need to work on.  I am aware of this.  But work is making it worse not better cause these are people that delight in belittling me when they really don't need to.  I hate politics and powerplays.  I seem inadequately equipped to deal with such machiavellian processes.

Ah well ...need to just take the escape hatch!!

*****************

Date: 14-12-03 Time: 11 am

Working my little fingers to the bone...

Work, work work.  Not that I do a lot but it is enough to severely put a dent in my plans of world domination and escaping the old house totally before my father returns.  Unfortunately, with the increase of people eager to part with their money for Christmas there is also an increase in the hours that they want me to work.

Just what I want- having to serve or cook for lots of stressed out people.  Gee it is like I am in training for my family Christmas dinner...except the good thing is I get paid to put up with these other people's neuroses...my family I just have to grin and bear.  (Or run and hide which seems the saner option to me ;) ). 

To top this off I am feeling useless.  There is a friend of mine who has been more than a little down of late...but I can't help much but mutter inadequate platitudes and try and inspire her to beat this crap.  I hate not being able to do anything that can really help...see I am good at the driving people places or moving shit...the human side well...lack skills in this department I swear.  I have even been checking out plane fares in a vane hope that maybe I could work out a way to go shake her out of this misery and get her to see that it isn't her ...others like to keep control...that's it! 

I suck as a friend, I have come to this conclusion. I am the one who doesn't ring as often as I should or keeps taking rain checks cause I don't feel like partying or even being outside the comfort of my own four walls.  I think of all the friends I have made and lost over the years.  Many of them I really regret that I no longer am in contact with.  Those that I am still seeing are the ones who have met me more than half way and have forgiven me countless times for being a total flake.  

I really don't justify their faith in me.  I have absolutely no drive what soever...I have ambition. That is just like a pie eyed dream that, without the drive, sits and torments me just out of reach.  It makes me doubt myself in the quiet times.  Sometimes I wish I was totally dumb cause then I could live a pleasant existence unaware of my pratfalls and the effort that would make all the difference but I can't discipline myself to exert.

And then there is New Years...again.

I think that is part of the problem for me at the moment.  I am getting round with this fake grin on my face trying to 'be happy'- people keep saying if you fake it for long enough it becomes real...I think that is lying propaganda from people who were just sick of my long face.  I don't feel happier as such....just have sore facial muscles and don't feel like me.  And as the end of the year draws near the usual assessment of all the diddly squat I have actually accomplished in the past 12 months comes back to haunt me.  I know that I am capable...just have no focus so get nothing done.

*****************

Date: 04-12-03 Time: 11 pm

Doesn't take much to 'make my day'.

Yes, it has been a while.  A hell of a long time actually but that has been the real life intrusion.  The computer...my poor baby (got to keep on its good side and buttering it up now)...has been incapacitated.  I have been restricted to offline living pretty much.  Tell you what, it is overrated- and essentially both boring and too bloody complicated.

Josh is just about to start the Christmas school holidays.  He will be once again inhabiting the sofa and dominating the television viewing choices.  As I am now working most days, I dread the state the house will be in when I come home.  Luckily for me (and in the long run, him) my mother has requested his presence in Queensland for a couple of weeks in the New Year.  Maybe this year the poor child will return to school without the moontan he acquired last Summer.  

And that is the thing... It is over 12 months since I first got into this whole fanfic world.  NYE is when TBW and GBM were born.  My first fic was put up just prior to that.  It is amazing how time flies and how many wonderful people I have met by just typing away madly. At the minute I am in the process of locating Xmas presents and addresses to send said same to.  Global Family...the world isn't quite so overwhelming now when I know there are people all around it who I can talk to.

The time has finally come to move on.  This is the literal moving on here.  I sign the lease and move this weekend.  That is going to be fun given I have been living in this place for a couple of years now.  Luckily, much of my stuff is still contained in boxes due to the temporary nature of my occupation (well if I had known it would have been this long I would have unpacked rather than feeling like I was in limbo).  Tomorrow I walk away from this feeling of being controlled by outside circumstances and take back the reins on my life.

I am so excited to be doing this...it is like a breath of freedom which I know will be hard to take but also will open so many more opportunities and let me feel like I am someone again.

*****************

Date: 13-09-03 Time: 3 am

Take the chill pill.

Ok this is my third attempt to update this blog.  I swear that my computer has it in for me.  I am now a couple of days late with my Ep update because I keep losing things to the Void.  The computer has some problems with the electrical current switching off... the fan that has been dodgy for a while is the one for the power supply so this may in fact be my last warning before it totally pulls the plug on me.

Josh has just started school holidays.  I am not sure if I am ready to deal with a sullen 13 year old boy being home every day for 3 weeks.  Actually he turns 14 in a little over 2 weeks.  Oh I am getting old.

Now have another 6-8 weeks to relocate me and all my possessions.  I really don't want to move...I am a bit of a stationary girl.  I think the move will do me good. New scenery, less family interference, all good.  Dad is still unsure of what they are going to do with this place...and because of his being caught up with his life interstate I have been asked to stay on a little longer.  At least it gives me a chance to get a bigger nest egg behind me.

I am sick of being frightened though.  A friend yesterday told me that they go around with the mantra..."You are fine as you are...it does not matter what others think."  Nice in theory, yes.  But unfortunately I am not that easily able to fool myself.  Going out last night was a trauma in itself.  The only reason I actually made it out the door was because I had made arrangements with 3 people (if it had been only one I may have been able to cancel...and two of them I have been avoiding for months because they make me feel sadly pathetic).  I tried on everything in my wardrobe to discover I had put on just enough weight for everything to pull in just such an unflattering way.  Ended up in my staple of basic black again.  Then I managed to upend the entire contents of my makeup drawer when I pulled it out too hastily.  I had my hair up in rollers to give it some sort of shape and managed to singe a bit of the fringe with the dryer...  My night was not going very well before I even stepped foot out the door.

The actual meeting up with friends was far easier than anticipated.  Yet, why is the whole act of leaving my house so damn hard? There is good reason that I have been hiding away in my home.  It has to do with not feeling capable of facing the need to be something within a set framework...I have a problem with such controls.

Then came the pressure.  I am sure she never meant it that way but she always does it.  One of my friends seems to be so constantly focused on the idea of finding some one...not someone special mind you...but a companion for a short period.  It is all very predatory and takes the innocent joy out of just going out and enjoying the dancing and music.  She has fixated on finding me a new man.  Funnily enough I am fixated on just getting myself out the door.  One step at a time...I am so not ready for that.  I think I need to get to the stage where I think I have some control over the mess that is me first before dealing with anybody else's neuroses. I made it through the night...but it doesn't make me excited to go out again.  Life can be very ugly...and my four walls are so comfortingly familiar!!

*****************

Date: 09-09-03 Time:7 am

Back in the habit again.

After a night of no sleep and the loss of a longwinded and carefully thought out new blog- a sacrifice to the Gods I must say- I am finally getting somewhere. I have been around in circles looking for the best way to get exactly what I wanted out of blog. In the end I settled for doing it the hard way just because I am too tired to figure out the way to make the easy way look how I want.

So why am I bothering to blog at all you may say- that is if you don't have anything better to ponder for this nanosecond. Well I have succumbed to the peer group pressure...well sort of. How successful this is will depend on my ability to concentrate for more than a couple of days on the one project. Proof of my Goldfish tendencies lies around and haunt me in the form of unfinished projects piling up in both Cyber and Real life space. The whole idea of committing to finishing something is also a WIP for me. I never mean to abandon things, honest, but somehow I get bored, I get distracted and I move on.

The whole blog thing also appeals to the narcissistic nuisance in me... This doesn't mean being up myself, really it is quite the contrary. Instead it means I am paranoid to the point of paralysis. I am so focused on my faults that I figure that everyone else must be too. Really it is all very pathetic and I intellectually know better...but that doesn't prevent the niggling fear growing into life controlling doubts.

So where does blog fit into this. I am a babbler...trapping people who are too polite to tell me to bugger off in my insane chatter about how I view life. I get on my soap box and often find that I am reluctant to vacate. This way I figure if someone actually wants to read my inanity they are actually doing it at their own risk and can walk away at anytime without offending me. Poor friends have had to put up with me becoming irrationally paranoid as the go quite, or need to leave, or they say something that seems a bit out of character. My interpretation, being the self absorbed narcissist that I am, is that I have done something wrong. Well I am the star of my own little soap opera world in my head and in my world view everything stems from me...so someone else not being happy MUST be me!! The fact that they have a life and their own little soap opera tends to escape me in the heat of the moment. The sighs of frustration ring out when, by the time they have attempted to convince me that it is in fact nothing I have done, I still cling to the little doubts and we go back around the circle. When this stupidity subsides the person is in fact totally pissed off with me- so really it is all a case of a self fulfilling prophecy.

So in the end the blog is to give them a welcome rest, to be able to vent my spleen, and to be able to just chat aimlessly to myself over the mundane inanity that is my life!!

August 2003