The Art of Being... Liz Parker

Category: Liz
Rating: Suitable for all ages

Summary: It's a new year and Liz looks back on the last 15 months of her life, trying to figure out what she and Max mean to each other
Spoilers: Everything up to "A Roswell Christmas Carol: The Miracle"

Disclaimer: The line "put things right that once went wrong" is from the TV series Quantum Leap, created by Donald P. Bellisario. No infringement intended.

Note: Let's just pretend Liz kept her journal during the winter months and forget what she said in "Heart of Mine", ok? ;)

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Part 2: The Art of Being Liz Parker

It’s January 2, 2001. I’m Liz Parker, and this is Journal Entry #1 for this year. It’s been a little while since I’ve written anything. I always feel a bit guilty when I write about Max in my diary (like I ever write about anything else anyway!). Ever since Michael “borrowed” it to see if I could be trusted, I’m always afraid it will fall in the wrong hands. I know it scared the living daylights out of Max. I wonder if Michael ever told him he was the one who did it? But I have to write, I have to put what I feel into words. It helps me deal with everything that’s been going on. I used to wish for an exciting life. What they say is true, you have to be careful what you wish for.

Of all the things I learned in the past 15 months or so, things I would have never believed existed before that day (such as aliens, the ability to manipulate molecular structure, ... true love…) the one thing I wish I never found out was a reality is time travel. I used to daydream about time travel, about how it would be a great thing for humanity to be able to go back in time and “put things right that once went wrong”. I guess saving the world falls into that category. I just wish I didn’t have to be the one who has to pay the price for it.

I mean, I know when I look at the big picture, a couple of broken hearts is indeed a very small price to pay for saving the planet. Unless, of course, it's your heart and the heart of your other half. Then the price is so high, you can’t think about it too much or you go crazy.

I’ve always had the mind of a scientist. That’s what my teachers have always said. I think it has helped me a lot that I could just rationalize everything and not let it get to me. There was a problem, we dealt with it in a way that was precise and surgical, and now I move on.

Oh, who am I kidding?

It surprised me that I could lie to Maria about it, when she first asked me. (Come to think of it, how did Maria know? I mean, how did the rumor get around school? I sure as hell didn’t say anything. I’m pretty sure Kyle didn’t talk, and Max only told Tess… Oh. All that mess is because of her own selfishness in the first place. God, I hate her!).

Maria and I always tell each other everything. I had to tell her. For the sake of our friendship and my own sanity. But it hurts so much just to think about it… So I did what I always do when I think about it. I pretended it happened to someone else, or that I saw it in a movie. That way I can get through it without breaking down. Because the day I break down, I won’t stop crying until I die, I’m sure.

Maria was cool about it. I think she realized it was torture for me to talk about it, so she didn’t make too big a deal of it. She focused on the “not-sleeping-with-Kyle” part rather than the “be-with-soul-mate-equals-end-of-the-world” part. I’m grateful for it. Friends don’t come much better than Maria. I’m glad she and Max bonded while I was away. I’d much rather he shared his feelings with her than with a certain other blonde he knows. And I don’t mean Isabel.

I’m glad Max has promised not to ask about Kyle and I anymore. I don’t think I could keep lying to him. The second time he asked, I almost told him everything. Before I went to his room to tell him I wouldn't die for him (the mere thought of it still puts me in such a state that I believe I'll be physically sick if I dwell on it too much), Future Max had me rehearse what I was going to say. He had me say the lines over and over so many times that they had no meaning left for me once I told them to Max. Of course, the look in his eyes as he listened to me made me realize that they had meaning to him. I was devastated by what I had done. I thought that look on his face was the worst thing I would ever have to see. I didn’t believe I could ever hurt him more than I had. Apparently I was wrong, and that’s not something I ever wanted to learn.

I planned on him asking me about it. I mean, I knew (or I hoped?) he wouldn’t let it go so easily. So when he did I was prepared. I had rehearsed my new lines and I knew that if I could just get through these, then I’d be fine. I didn’t expect his eyes to hurt me as much as they did. The worst thing was when I thought he believed my lies. The look of contempt on his face… I didn’t see how I could live with myself if that was how he would look at me from that moment on.

I didn’t expect him to ask me a second time. Especially not right after telling me he wanted to be friends again. His question took me by surprise. God, I almost blew it that time. What would he think of me? I promised him I’d be strong. I can’t fail him now.

It wasn’t betraying Future Max to ask my Max not to hate me, right? He doesn’t have to hate me for Tess to stay, right?

That day at the Crashdown when I told him I hated the way we acted around each other, the look in his eyes…. It hurt me as much as I had hurt him. When I asked why we couldn’t just be friends like before, he looked at me as if I was asking him to do something impossible. Something he wasn’t even going to consider. The determination I saw in his eyes told me that much. And then it wavered a bit, and he said he needed time. Now I know he meant it, but that day I thought he was trying to let me down easy. So I asked him not to hate me. I didn’t mean to, it just came out. "At least if we can’t be together, please God don’t let him hate me." That was playing in my head on an endless loop.

I’ve seen myself through his eyes. Literally. I know how he once felt about me. I couldn’t bear the thought that there was now hate where that love once was. Or even worse, that there was nothing. That somehow I had made my Max empty. He killed me when he didn’t answer that he didn't hate me. But I deserved it. Even though I did what I did because he asked me to. That’s the worst thing. Him being mad at me for something I would have never done if he hadn’t asked me to.

Sometimes late at night I wake up from a recurring nightmare where I call out to Max and he just walks away from me, and I’m filled with so much hate. I know Future Max would have never asked me to break my Max's heart if a future version of me had not agreed. Hating him would be like hating myself. So I hate Tess instead. That’s become almost second nature to me. She’s so easy to hate, isn’t she?

I don’t care if I’m not being fair. Was it fair that I had to give up my happiness because she was selfish? Didn’t think so. But enough about her. She’s not worth it.

When Max came to see me before he left for New York, he told me he couldn’t be friends with me anymore because he was still hanging on to what we had. In a way, I was happy to hear that. It means that the love he felt for me was strong. The love he FEELS for me is STILL strong. As strong as the love I feel for him. So I guess that’s why it hurt so much when he told me that’s exactly why we couldn’t be friends.

That’s when I found out I was numb to pain. Nothing anyone would ever say could ever hurt me again. It was my own, personal, rock bottom.

Then he told me that he didn’t trust me anymore. And that’s when I found out that I had been wrong about that all-time low. And that our love was deep enough for him to be able to hurt me more than I ever thought I could be hurt.

And then Ava came and turned my world upside down, again. She told me that when Max healed me, I was changed. What does that mean, exactly? I’m not sure I want to know. I’ve been trying to ignore it, mostly. The word denial comes to mind. But whatever it is, I’m glad it’s in me now. Because I was able to save Max in New York. I think that if he had died before things got better between us, I would have died too.

Is that too dramatic? No. I really don’t see how I could have gone on without him.

And now he’s told me that he believes in me. My heart was filled with so much warmth when he said that! I thought it was going to explode. I think I love him even more now than I ever did before. I didn’t believe that was possible. Who knew there was so much love in the world? After all I did to him, betrayed him, lied to him, he still believes in me.

What does that say about him?

It says that Max Evans, the man I fell in love with, is the most beautiful being in the universe. And that I, Liz Parker, am the luckiest girl in the world by knowing what it feels like to be loved by him.

The end

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