Rating: Suitable for all ages

Pairing: M/L

Disclaimer: I used a couple of lines from "Busted", written by Jason Katims.

Spoiler/Notes: Departure

MUSE #9 – A character has to be thankful for something.

*******

"So I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, see me?"

I blurt the words out and wince inwardly. I hadn’t meant to ask her right away. I know we both need time – a lot of time – to digest what we have been through this past year. But here we are in front of the Crashdown, almost in the exact same spot where we said goodbye not even 24 hours ago and the words left my lips before my brain was aware of them.

Too soon or not, I can’t take them back. They hang in the air between us for an instant. I am frozen like the proverbial deer in the headlights, afraid of what her reaction will be. It is highly presumptuous of me to think that she would even want to speak to me again after the way I treated her recently.

I meant what I told her earlier; getting her into my life, loving her... that is pretty much the only thing I have ever been right about.

Yet the fact remains; even though she is a part of me, the other half of my soul, I hurt her – and our relationship – beyond belief.

But hopefully not beyond repair.

She looks at me for a long moment, her gaze holding mine as she bites her lip thoughtfully. I hold my breath.

"You mean, like on a date?" she asks finally.

I nod, knowing that if I try to speak my voice will break.

She shakes her head, sighing heavily, "Not yet."

I nod again slowly, trying to put on the brave face I seem to have to wear around her so much lately. Trying to pretend that the two words she just spoke are not cutting me like a knife.

I force myself to take in a slow breath while a hundred different answers run around my head. The smart thing to do is to give her some space, to let her breathe. The smart response to her answer is to say...

"When?"

I cringe. Not that. Damn brain. I clear my throat.

"I mean... You said 'not yet', which could mean... maybe," I stammer. "Someday," I finish lamely. Soon, I pray silently. At least I didn’t say that out loud. It seems I finally have a minimum of control over that brain of mine.

She looks at me with those big brown eyes I long to get lost in and I see shadows of pain. Shadows I put there. And I wish, not for the first time, that I could go back in time to when things were good between us and take a different path. One that would lead to a place where I would never see pain in Liz’s eyes. Pain of any kind. But especially not pain I caused.

"Max..." she starts.

I shake my head. "I’m sorry, Liz. I don’t mean to pressure you. I better go."

She nods, looks like she’s about to say something, then shakes her head.

I hesitate a moment, wondering if I should hug her or something. God, I want to hug her. Hell, I want to kiss her. I want to kiss her until we both forget that the last year ever happened.

I raise my hand tentatively, wanting to... what? I let it drop. I have no right to touch her. I lost that right when I touched someone else. I blink back the tears that unexpectedly fill my eyes.

Time. That’s what we both need. A lot of time.

I offer her a smile I hope is not too shaky and turn to walk away.

"Max..." she says softly and I feel the briefest touch of her hand on my arm. I turn to look at her.

"Ask me again in a few days. I just need..."

"Time," I finish for her. We are still totally in synch. Then why is this so difficult? "I understand." I smile at her again and this time it feels a little more assured.

"Yes. A little time," she says. "The last 48 hours are a lot to deal with," she explains.

"You don’t have to explain. I understand. I’m just..." I hesitate before telling her how I really feel. But secrets, lies and half-truths are what got us into this mess in the first place and I know that from now on, we have to be completely honest if we want this to work. "I’m just thankful that you’re even willing to speak to me again."

Her eyes soften and for a crazy moment, I think she might hug me. But of course, she doesn’t.

"You hurt me, Max. I won’t deny that." I start to open my mouth to apologize again but she stops me. "And I know I hurt you too. We have a lot of explaining to do, both of us. But just know one thing, Max. I never stopped loving you."

I can’t help myself. I reach for her and pull her into a loose hug. I put a strand of her hair back behind her ear and lean down to kiss her forehead. I want more, so much more, but I’m determined to move at her pace. Seeing her with Kyle did hurt me, and I want to know what possessed her to pull such a stunt, but I know I have more to apologize for than she ever will.

"And you know I will never stop loving you," I assure her. I place another grateful kiss on her forehead and I let her go.

"Just call me. Whenever," I tell her and I turn to leave.

I hope that Liz and I can wipe the slate clean and start again. Our bond used to be so strong. I know it will be again. This thing we are to each other, it’s worth fighting for. It may only be love, but it’s the most precious thing I have.

The end