I have a Muslim friend. Every day, she comes to college, removes the scarf that covers her head, and puts it back on again before she goes home. She also has a boyfriend that her parents do not know of. I have another friend who is Indian. She has a boyfriend whom she has been with for three years, and plans to marry him. Of my two friends, neither is allowed to date nor have boyfriends, among several other restrictions.
Did you wonder what else these girls are not telling their parents? I know how my two friends feel. I know the listless agony they go through in their young, and less than carefree lives. Yet, the irony is that they have to play the role of the docile, little daughter in front of their parents who have probably started thinking of potential husbands for an arranged marriage. The fear of being caught by their parents hangs in the air every second, and holds an uncertainty that not many can understand. Loneliness, helplessness and lack of freedom are only a few of the things that many Muslim and Indian teenagers have to deal with as a normal part of their lives today.
On the other hand, I also know another group of Indian teens. They drink, do or deal drugs, and put themselves in more dangerous situations than what their parents can even fathom. Popularity and fitting-in are high on their priorities. They try to act "desi," but in reality, they are so clueless that they have no clue what it is to be Indian. Try telling the parents that their daughter is out drinking and having sex with that Indian boy, that they sent her out with tonight because he the son of a family friend. They would never believe it. These children have their parents trapped in their lies. Sometimes it is the parent's lenience that makes their children fall in the wrong crowd. However, for my Indian peers, I believe that it is the parents' overbearing strictness that makes them rebel at every chance possible.
Parents, family and culture influence the lives of these teens. Typically, Indian and Muslims, especially girls, are not allowed to date, have boyfriends, stay out late, and the list goes on. They have little or no freedom. Parents are so afraid that some day their precious daughter, whom they have put up on a pedestal for all of society and their friends to see, will someday come home with some strange, horrid disease or worse--pregnant. They think that if they do not keep a constant watch over their girls, somehow she will make all the wrong decisions and fall down in the eyes of society. And these girls hear the same thing over and over again: "It is not that we do not trust you, we just do not trust this American world. You are too young to understand."
I am sure that these girls understand something--they are not completely naivee. So why are parents not listening to them and making them feel as if their opinions and feelings are worthless? Presisely due to these reasons, I know that I do feel like I missed out on a lot while growing up. I lied to my friends and told them I could not go to my senior prom because of upcoming exams, when in fact, the reason was because I could not go because I was not allowed. I am not allowed to date, have a boyfriend or stay out later than 10 at night. To my parents, dating is evil. They believe that all dating leads to pre-marital sex. I used to try to talk to my parents, but I never felt like they truly listened or understood. I used to keep think, "They are my parents. How could they not understand me and how I feel?" It was only much later that I realized that because they are my parents they do not understand me and how I feel. Their actions of "proctecting me" from the outside world for the "fear of losing me" to American culture led to completely opposite results: it only created a barrier that divided me from them.
I can go on forever, but there is only one message that I want to send. Parents: please talk to your children. Be open and understanding. Talk to them as a friend and respect their values and opinions. I am not saying that you should immediately let your children go out and date whoever they want. I am saying that there are many things that Indian parents are unaware of. Ask your children if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend or if they drink or have ever done drugs. I urge you to least talk to them and understand how they feel and where they stand. Tell them how you feel too, but give them some freedom to make their own choices.
The problems facing Indian and Muslim teens that I stated in these few paragraphs are not limited to just one or two--almost everyone I have met has had to deal with it at some point or the other. So, do not think that it does not affect your family--because you never know; it may be your son or daughter out there who feels the same as I do. The least you can do for them is talk to them.
Recommended further reading:
Parenting Teens