Lavina Melwani
The marriage game is awfully complicated for second generation Indian Americans.
Callous or clueless - you decide.
Arvind had been dating Tina for several months. (Names have been changed to protect identities and egos.) At the end of one perfect evening, as they sat in his car close together, reluctant to call it a night, he spoke. His words weren't exactly romantic sweet nothings: "I'm going to India soon. My mom and dad are after me to get married. Know any good girls there?"
Tina felt like yelling, "What am I -- chopped liver?" What she did instead, was get out of the car and bang the door on the relationship. So ended one more beautiful romance as the man set off for bride-shopping in India and the woman back to railing about fickle Indian American males.
This true story is by no means an isolated case. Talk to almost any young Indian American and they have plenty of horror stories to tell of friends, friends of friends or second cousins twice removed who have gone through the matrimonial grinder and come out crushed. Little wonder then that a growing number of eligible young men and women and their frantic parents are standing on the edge, testing the waters, afraid to jump in.
According to U.S. Census Bureau figures, the nearly one-third of the Asian Indian population is aged 20-34, the largest of any other age group. Suddenly finding the right partner has become a major issue for Indians in a country where the marriage brokers, extended families and other traditional avenues are just not available.
Of course, it is important to realize that Indians come from many different backgrounds and no two stories are going to be alike. Some Indians are unconventional and go with the flow while others insist on maintaining very rigid Hindu tradition. It is a challenge to find a like-minded spouse amongst the Indians scattered across America, and finding one from the same community even harder.
As Seema Khaneja, 31, a pediatrician, points out: "I can only speak for myself. I am pretty religious and traditional in many ways with a deep appreciation for Vedic culture and Vedic values. What disturbs me is that there are very few Indian Americans in my age group who share similar values. On the other hand, men raised in India are difficult to communicate with and they often cannot handle a woman who is professionally more qualified." What upsets Indian American women is the fact that many Indian men, born and brought up in America, still go bride-shopping to India. Why do these men, while dating Indian American women or even American women here, go back to India to get married?
Little India spoke with several second-generation Indian Americans on this volatile issue - and did we get an earful! The bride-shopping evokes strong feelings in young Indian American women.
Says Simi Singh, a 23 year old law student who has been in the United States for over 18 years: "As a single Indian woman, the very system of shopping and negotiating for brides is degrading to me whether done by men from the United States going to India or by men within India. It is a system designed to fit the specifications and expectations of men. Women's wishes are irrelevant. They merely have to be good daughters and later good wives. To voice their complaints or their unwillingness to submit to a marriage would only bring scandal and shame to their families. This is the guilt trip put on women by Indian society."
Seema Khaneja concurs: "I have definitely seen men do this, and in general I find it very dishonest. Perhaps Indian men feel there is a difference in the women one dates and the one they ultimately marry. I think that there are a lot of parental pressures as well."
Munish Khaneja, 26, a medical resident in New York, says: "A lot of the women here are perceived as being very independent and that independence is not something these men are used to. They look at their mothers and their sisters who are brought up with double standards. They are allowed to do a lot of things that their sisters aren't. So they go back to India, hoping to find someone who's much less independent and interested in the culture."
Munish, who conducted the Net-IP Sangam interactive seminar, found Indian American women had a lot to say about this penchant for bride-shopping: "They think they can do whatever they want to their women here, then go back to India and get a nice little virgin. These are exactly the words they used. Ironically, these men don't realize how women have changed in India. A lot of the times, the women in India are so much more advanced than the ones here, that you'll never even know what they've done in their past!"
Singh calls it the Having-Your-Cake-and-Eating-it-Too Syndrome: "Indian men feel that they can get the benefits of being in a relationship, including the benefits of the physical aspects, without being as constrained by the old world values which women in India are taught. Women in India, in general, would not consent to being involved with a man before marriage. Since Indian men want to do the same thing that they see men here doing, dating and being involved with women, they end up dating one type of woman and marrying another. These men fulfill their own personal wishes with women here and when it comes to marriage, they still want what their parents taught them to want: a traditional, docile, pure bride who knows how to cook and rear children and most of all, knows to always obey her husband."
Dennis James Percy, 26, a law student, however, argues the other side of the coin: "Generally, I have found those who have chosen to go back to India for marriage have done so out of frustration in their encounters with Indian American women and the very high expectations of the women, and their families. I have seen men dating and meeting Indian American women, but after dealing with repeated rejections, often resorting to going back to India." At the same time, he adds: "I have found that Indian American women truly resent their peers going back to India to find a bride. They find it quite insulting. Indian American women are very vocal about the ‘double-standards' which exist in Indian culture, and thus are quite vocal at any sign of perpetuating them in our generation."
Actually, many marriages do take place between Indian Americans and most are successful. Manjit Mishra, who grew up in the United States, married her high school sweetheart and has been happily married for 12 years. Her sister who went back to India to have an arranged marriage is also equally happy. Mishra, who is an attorney, observes: "I have many men friends who have gone back to India to get married. One of the reasons is that many Indian women here do not want to live in a joint family system. A man wants a woman to make that compromise often and the women in India accept it more readily than the women here. Another reason is that though men may date the women here, they don't want to marry women who have dated or been around the block a few times."
To trace the roots of this unhappy state of affairs one has to look back to the 60's, when the waves of Indian immigration to the United States started. For immigrants who came to India in the 60's, making it in the United States was the primary concern. Most of them were professionals and they worked doggedly at achieving the Stars and Stripes version of success - a house in the suburbs (with or without the mandatory white picket fence) and a healthy bank account. Along the way, many of them made modest fortunes and even managed to send their kids to the best universities.
Fired by the American Dream (and also realizing that extra-curricular activities are vital for gaining entrance into Ivy League schools), they encouraged their sons and daughters to excel in school, join the debating society, participate in sleep-overs and camping trips and even go to the prom. Yet at graduation, as these children reach marriageable age, parents suddenly yearn for the Indian Dream, of A Suitable Boy for their daughters, and good, docile daughters-in-law for their sons. Living abroad has only stoked the fires of their commitment to Indian values and traditions - even those that Indian society might have outgrown.
For example, the Sindhi women of my grandmother's era had holes in their nose so big that you could see clear from one nostril to the other, a disfiguring brought about by a lifetime of wearing a huge dangling ruby naath in the nose, a symbol of wedded bliss. For some women, this wedded bliss also included staying alone for five years at a time while the man of the house traveled to distant shores for business sojourns. Interestingly the seven or eight children these women gave birth to invariably had a five year gap in their ages. So wedded bliss often meant long periods without the male, and a new baby whenever they did meet. It also meant mutely serving a family of in-laws and finding friendship with the females of an extended family.
Today this whole concept seems quaint and a bit barbaric - even our mothers would not have tolerated it. At that time, it was the way of life approved of by society. Somehow, someone somewhere must have spoken up and initiated change. Society continues to change, a resourceful chameleon which transforms its shape and color according to the needs of the moment. Even in India, urban society has changed dramatically over the last 30 years.
But it appears that someone forgot to inform the poor NRIs about these changes. They are still viewing the world through the lens of 1960's India, where good girls cooked, cleaned and were chaste. Yes, of course, they were given a higher education but that was just to pad their resumes for the matrimonial market. The sons were the darlings of their mamas, little princes who must be pampered and indulged by mothers, aunts and sisters. Matrimony ensured that they would continue to be waited on hand and foot by yet another female - the wife. She would not only mother him but also bear the male children to carry on the family name.
In the meantime, urban Indian society has moved on to the 90's. More and more women are working and investing in their careers. Many are following their jobs to the big cities and are living on their own. Many of these women, with or without the knowledge of their parents are dating and meeting the opposite sex. They are marrying later, and very often are choosing their own mates. While caste and creed are still very important to many conservative families in India, the younger generation are often finding their partners in different communities, often crossing religious and caste barriers. India is a land where many different eras seem to co-exist. Thus you have the matrimonial ads in newspapers, the old fashioned marriage brokers, the swinging couples, American-style dating, live-in relationships and Internet romances all happening at the same time.
Women are still being surveyed in the marriage meat markets by prospective grooms and are also meeting men on college campuses, bars and discos. Indian American parents impose a 60's India on their children and ask them to live by those rules. The children they encouraged to be outspoken, independent and American during their school-going years are now suddenly asked to be Indian and select a spouse according to those 60's values. Daughters are given a particularly hard time and Indian American parents tend to be even stricter than parents in India. Young Indian Americans who journey to India are surprised to find their Indian cousins in big cities dating and partying all hours of the night. Indeed, cities like Delhi and Bombay seem to have become outposts of America.
Shopping for brides in India seems to be popular with NRIs, importing wives who they hope will be docile, domesticated helpmates who will still work outside the home and cook. Says Percy, "I think the traditional mode of marriage gets a bad rap because it conjures images of subservience and inequality. Frankly, most of the women I have met from India will not fall under the old model of the ‘docile and subservient' wife. I think anyone going to India on the premise of finding such a wife is fooling themselves into thinking women there are ‘just like their mothers.'"
He adds that India is rapidly changing and the women in India are changing with the times, and are similar to their peers in the United States: "They too are demanding an equal voice and right to self-determination in their careers and family life. Anyone going back to India expecting an ‘old-fashioned woman' is in for a shock."
Indian men demand a lot from their partners. Says Manjit Mishra: "They want you to be the women of the 90's (wear those nice short dresses and keep fit, having athletic interests and work out), speak the language, live in both worlds of India and the west, cook Indian meals with ease, respect the family and act Indian in front of the family. That means submissive behavior, touching feet and calling everyone with their appropriate titles.
"But at the same time they want you to be this wonder woman of today who is cool with the American friends and the crowd. But the guy doesn't do a darn thing to change himself or keep fit and his tummy is definitely ready to hang out over the belt of his pant. Parents definitely play a role in this because the guy wants to satisfy himself and his family."
Unrealistic expectations also cause relationships to flounder. Says Simi Singh, "I believe that the parents play an important role in instilling the expectations that Indian men have early on. They see their parents have these expectations from each other and learn to have them in their own lives. The women are also conditioned to live up to these expectations by their parents from a young age."
Caught in a time warp, NRI parents struggle with the morality that the society of the 60's imposed on them, and the India they know through religious texts and Bollywood - a tinderbox combination. After all, religious epics glorify Sati Savitri, a woman who by her sterling virtue, compelled even Yama, the Lord of Death, to bring her dead husband back to life. Then there is the long-suffering Sita who followed her husband Rama to banishment in the forests for 14 years. When she is abducted by Ravana, her doubting spouse insists she go through a trial by fire to prove her virtue. Even today Sita is portrayed as a shining example of womanhood that all women must aspire to.
Bollywood, that other great chronicler of Indian values, also does Indian women a great disfavor and sets up unreasonable standards that real women are often asked to live up to by the older generation. The films of the 60's were very often three hankie melodramas where lovely and helpless women were abandoned by lovers, raped by the villain, or thrown out of the house by wicked in-laws. Yet after three hours of melodic songs, many misunderstandings and many tears, the heroine always won her hero and in-laws through her shining virtue, her impeccable ‘Bharati nari' image.
One would think that today's heroines with their mini leather skirts and skintight pants are a very different breed, but scratch the surface and you find the desi values still reign supreme. These are women who at the drop of a hat will emerge in a white sari, the emblem of purity, and lecture on values, sacrifice and devotion to patidev (Lord and Master.)
Munish Khaneja notes, half-jokingly, one hopes: "It took me 24 years to figure out that life is not like an Indian movie, and another two years, when I actually went and studied in India, that India is not like an Indian movie. I was weaned on Indian movies, the music, the culture and it just takes a lot of growing up to figure it out. This is my personal experience."
Little wonder then that Indian Americans and their children seem to be at the crossroads. Having been brought up in large extended families in India, many of these NRIs live by the rules formulated by tradition. They seem to be functioning by remote control, with relatives and even long-dead ancestors calling the shots. Daughter wants to live on her own? She's dating a white boy? Son is in love with a girl from a different region of India, a different caste? What will people say?
It is this fear of society's censure, fear of failing to live up to a pre-programmed set of Hindu values, of losing their authentic Indian status that drives many parents - and even some young adults - to search for spouses in India. After all, what could be more Indian, more full of ancient values than a bona fide bride from India? She'd be able to balance east and west, be Lakshmi and Saraswati and continue the traditions which NRIs were compelled to leave behind. It's a way of making amends for having left home, for severing the umbilical cord with the homeland.
Indian Americans still want daughters-in-law who are educated, can cook up a storm, will look after their sons and welcome all their relatives wholeheartedly. What they fail to realize is that young women who have grown up in Indian homes here have these values inborn in them. Yet they have choices and don't want to squander their caring on men who can't - or won't - reciprocate. They want men who will look after them too, will help in running the household and be equally welcoming to their side of the extended family. Indian American girls have never lost the basic Indian values. They just need men who will not have double standards and be companions, helpmates and confidantes.
Many Indian American women end up in arranged marriages that break up. These women often find themselves in double jeopardy: while Indian American men date them, they don't want to marry them. As Manjit Mishra points out, "So the divorced girl is good enough to date but not good enough to take home. The guy tells her that even though they are dating, his family is looking for a girl for him and discusses the girls he has seen so far. He asks his date to help him decide on how to proceed with the situation."
This is callous behavior and often comes from all the messages he has received in his growing up years. Once Indian American mothers begin to treat their male and female children more equally and give them the same freedoms, they will find that this unbiased upbringing stands them in good stead, and children don't usually abuse the trust invested in them. The next step perhaps would be to try and want the same rights and privileges for their daughters-in-law as they would want for their daughters. Which mother wouldn't want a caring, thoughtful and helpful companion for her daughter? Why not extend the same affection to a daughter-in-law and see her turn into an equally affectionate daughter-in-law?
All this might sound like psycho-babble but really it is plain common sense. As Simi Singh observes: "These days, a marriage between an Indian man and an Indian woman, in order to be successful, must be able to balance the working lives of both. Raising a family no longer can mean simply that the man goes off to work while the woman stays home, maybe works somewhere part time, but primarily raises the kids until they go off to college. Raising the kids requires a balancing act between work and home by both the husband and the wife. The Indian male should understand what he is in for in a marriage today." Indeed, there is poor communication in Indian families and this gets translated into mixed signals even with the opposite sex. Percy says, "Poor communication is the number one problem facing Indian American families, and our generation is learning to effectively deal with the issues related to it, without generally having solid role models in that respect. Thus, our generation is merely following what it has observed without critically learning from the mistakes of others."
Seema Khaneja concurs, "We each need to strive to be introspective, to know ourselves, to understand our own values, and what matters most deeply to us. In general the form of communication in India between men and women is limited or non-existent or very indirect. The roles are more stereotypical and there is less freedom to choose than there is here. In America we are living in a culture which allows for much greater freedom as well as one that puts a high value for open, direct communication. I think that this creates a lot of problems, especially if one mate is raised here while the other mate has recently come from India."
Simi Singh explains the viewpoint of the Indian American woman: " She will not tolerate a man who will try to ‘mold' her into what he wants; she is more of an individual who will share her life with a man and raise her family with him, but not because she is expected to but rather because she wants to. need to understand that Indian women today have their goals as well as a wish to have a family. These must be balanced and can only be balanced with the help of Indian men."
Says Percy, "I feel that both Indian American males and females expect too much of each other, and thus drive themselves to the madness of not being able to find that ‘perfect match.' We all look at each other with greater scrutiny than our non-Indian peers of the opposite sex. Our generation needs to lighten up and realize that there are terrific people around us. We expect way too much of the opposite sex of Indian Americans, and thus are causing ourselves unnecessary misery." Amen to that!
Why Indian Men Get Cold Feet
Manisha Punwani, 26, is a physician from India who is training to be a psychiatrist at Jamaica Medical Center, and she seems to have some idea of why Indian American men date one woman and marry another.
She says: "I have a lot of friends here in their late 20's and they have a lot of pressure from their parents to get into committed relationships leading to marriage. By the time a girl is 27, the pressure is so tremendous that when she goes out with a boy, that pressure gets translated to him. She is not willing to go slow and indirectly, without realizing it, pressurizes him. There is tremendous pressure from the parents, the girl is being pushed and pushes the boy. He just backs off. These men are still very Indian at heart and don't want women who aggressively pursue them.
"Whatever you say, Indian men are brought up and pampered by their moms. I've seen my aunts who have been here for 40 years but they still look after their sons very well. My cousins who were raised here -- their mothers still wait for them for dinner, cook for them. If one of them is sick, his mom will cook ten dishes and go to his dorm. So whether you're brought up here or not -- that's just our culture, where men are looked after by women. That's what men are looking for. Every man I've met, this is what they say they are looking for in a wife. It may not be very fair to us but this is what they want. The Indian American assertive, independent women are not exactly clamoring to become this mom role-model. Punwani recalls a male friend who griped that the Indian women whom he went out with never, ever called him home for dinner, never cooked for him or nurtured him when he's sick. She has noticed that when Indian American girls are forthcoming and assertive on dates, men seem to take ten steps back. "Those are the same reasons they are attracted to you first -- because you're aggressive, smart, pushy and intelligent. And then they back off. This is really bizarre, but if you take the food and serve the guy before you serve yourself, you can see they take four steps toward you! They say, ‘Oh, you're so Indian at heart! This is very nice! Thank you so much for serving me."
Lavina Melwani. The Knotty Knot. http://206.20.14.67/achal/archive/dec98/knotty.htm. Published December 1998 in Little India.