For any parent who has asked that question, these two Indian youths have an answer. It is a question frequently asked by parents faced with a child who is on the verge of falling apart. After all, they have struggled all their lives to build a better life for themselves and their children. They raised their kids the way they were raised - with strict religious, Indian values and ideals. They put their kids through the best schools, lived in a safe area, and protected them from anything that could harm them, hoping theirchildren would be spitting images of themselves; that they would be successful, respected citizens of this not-so foreign country. So what went wrong? Why does it seem like their children now have completely lost sight of what is important in life, or at least what their parents' believe is important? Let us tell you right now - for any of you who has asked that question - you do not know your child as well as you think. You see only what you want to see, or maybe they show you only what you would like to see. Please do not take offense at what we are about to say. We do not mean to be harsh, but this is never an easy subject to discuss. We wish to remain anonymous to protect ourselves and our families from the ridicule of this ridiculous society (ironic, is it not?). But who we are should not matter, because we could be any one of your children. For many years now we have tried to suppress our feelings of anger, guilt, sorrow, despair and now we choose to put it all behind us and start over - wipe the slate clean and build a new relationship with our parents. But we feel we have to write this now in the hope that someone will benefit from the honest outpouring of our souls. We see someone this minute going through what we went through and it tears us apart inside. Please bear in mind that this account is just ours, and it may not be universal. There is not one thing we can put our finger on to pinpoint the problem of what you "did wrong" with us.
The biggest and most prominent problem is the most obvious one - we are Indian children immersed in America. As far back as we can remember, those years in elementary school, we were ashamed of being Indian. We would lie repeatedly to our peers and even our teachers about what our religion was, that our middle name was, even what we had had for dinner the night before. It was a time when being different meant being made fun of ... constantly. Here is where we started to develop a duality in our lives. Almost a form of schizophrenia. We lived two completely separate lives. In school, we tried to blend in as much as possible. We wanted everyone to like us, so we would talk like them, act like them, dress like them. We wanted to "fit in." We just wanted to be kids and have fun at recess. We wanted cake and chips at our birthday parties, not idli-sambar. We could not afford the cabbage patch kids or Nikes or designer clothes, so we had to make it all up. We tried to appear to be as carefree as the other kids around us. At home, parents would push us and pressure us to do well. Often that meant tutorial sessions that ended in violence, or other tough forms of punishment when we didn't measure up. They made us memorize insane amounts of facts, the state capitals, religious script and verses, and forced us to recite them before their friends. In our eyes and in our hearts, we slowly became their medals. Just that, nothing else. Any accomplishment was just a tool to brandish to their friends - how well they were raising us. Of course, nothing we did could ever have been based on our own merit, it was all their doing. In public we had to be the perfect little submissive toy robots. Speaking when spoken to, immaculate, polite, never offering opinion, sitting quietly. After all if we acted up, what would everyone think? We were constantly being put down, told that we were not good enough, how incredibly stupid we were if we ever got a 'B'. You would mock us and even laugh at us before your friends sometimes in front of us because we were not like so-and-so's child. "See how good Sheela is - she speaks Gujarati and does puja with her mother every Sunday. She still has 4.0 and she plays harmonium. Why can't you be like her?" We grew to fear standing up to you, fear speaking out against you, fear being hurt by you. In high school, in the face of a barrage of racism from the idiots in our "perfect" schools, we had to deal with other emotions. We began experiencing strange feelings of love. Everyone around us, everywhere around us, was experiencing the same thing, but we could not. We had to suppress our feelings. It was wrong and horrible and would, of course, interfere with our studies. Dating was thus out of the question. We could not even see our friends outside school too often, because, again, then we would not be studying. You were never really affectionate toward us, and we could not find the affection anywhere else, so love became a foreign concept that we could only dream of. Some of us found secret ways to get around the problem. Some rebelled. Lying to you became second nature. Friends covered for us because they were going through the same problems. The irony was that most of us who did end up dating on the sly were somehow drawn to jerks and abusive relationships, often because of the contradictions of our desire to date and our aspiration to hold on to our Indian morals of committing to a single person. Had we been comfortable enough to discuss these things with our parents, we may have made better decisions. The contradictions deepened. We were told we were not good enough, yet were expected to be the best. Women were inferior servants who acted occasionally as punching bags, yet we were expected to be strong. Our mothers were housewives, yet we were expected to be doctors. Our fathers were kings of their castle and domineering, but we were inferior. When young men grew up they were to take on those roles, yet they were faced with equality in the real world. We were taught to hate everyone who was different from us, darker than us, yet we were being laughed at by those same people and everyone else because we were different. We had a Christmas Tree in our house next to our Ganapati Statue and threw a picnic every 4th of July.
The years and years of confusion passed with more suppressed rage and contempt, but with the thought that one day we would be free from all this oppression and hypocricy. Now, in college, out from under your tight grip, able to express ourselves without being ostracized, able to hang out with our friends - the only people we could turn to with problems 24 hours a day! The uninhibited dating started, the drinking started, the drugs started, the abuse started. Everything we were denied, we craved. We were exposed to the same pressures everyone else was - including partying, drinking and sex - and some of us succumbed to at least one if not all of them. Freedom? No. We came home what seemed like every weekend. Studies suffered. We realized what being a true individual was. We may have made mistakes, but we knew we could learn from them and not repeat them. We realized the entire scope of what was out there in the world waiting for us. We discovered our true calling, even if, God-forbid, it was different from what you had wanted for us. We lived life, without fear or feelings of drudgery. We were finding the road to our happiness. Our advice is this: Look at yourself and ask if the way you think, act and speak about your friends and children is really what you feel is right or what you think should be right. Realize that you are in a completely different world from where you grew up. Times have changed and you have to adjust. To those of you with younger children, try to understand some of their fears and embarrassments and try to teach them pride. Instill in them a sense of humor. Let your kids know how much they mean to you and show it. There is no such thing as too much love. Praise does such wonders to a child's self-esteem. Pay attention to your child's health. Self-destructiveness is reflected in any number of ways, such as eating disorders or drug abuse. Teach your children those aspects of language, culture and religion that you think they would enjoy and appreciate. Do not mock them when they do not understand certain things. Explain. How else are they supposed to learn? In their American schools? You should never have any expectations of anyone but yourself. The pressure you put on a child to a act a certain way or to get that 'A' can be so detrimental. The most important thing - and probably the hardest thing to ever try and understand - is that we, as children, as humans, as Indians, as Americans and as young adults, need to grow. We need you to step back and let us feel like an individual. We need to be given choices in life and need to make those choices for ourselves. We have to be able to make mistakes and learn from them. We cannot go from being your child to being someone's spouse. We need time for ourselves and we need you to let go. Be open-minded. You may not always agree with what we do and you may not even like it, but inhibiting us from doing things will only foster resentment. We are not going to get raped or married if we go on one date. Trust us, allow us to choose between what is right and wrong. We are not horrible people. We are, after all, your children.
The key to life is happiness. If you take that away from your children and they have no way of getting it back, it may be too late to do anything about it. Your children are responsible, intelligent people, but not all can be doctors, lawyers or engineers. Some were meant to be artists, poets, writers, actors, businessmen, teachers, etc. Find out early what your children's desires are and help, encourage and guide them. We are your children. We are brilliant and we can be anything we want to be. But we have to want it. If you take what we have said to heart and work things through with your children, please understand that they are human. They will want to forgive and forget. But it would take effort to put the 20+ years of what has been bottled up inside behind. We have done it, so we know it can be done. It will just take time. And the differences may not be completely resolved. Your dislike of African Americans, for people of different religions and even people from different parts of India and your fear of us associating with them is so foreign to us. We base our friendships on what is on the inside. Your prejudice and bigotry is something we may never accept. If one of our peers had those ideals, we would never be their friend, so it is hard for us to try and put that part of you aside and still love you. But we can try. Right now, though, we are even afraid to say how we feel, especially if it is about something you disagree with. Do not dismiss us as "being too young or idealistic." You cannot have this God complex; you are not omnipotent by any means and maybe you can learn a thing or two from us about humanity. In conclusion, we think ultimately we all want the same thing - respect. You parents want both our respect for being the ones who raised us, and our understanding that you love us and do what you do to better our lives. We children know that and are grateful for it. But we also demand respect for our views and ideals and individuality so that we can run our own lives. If we find some meeting ground then maybe healthy relationships can be formed, love will blossom, and happiness will allow our community to not just survive, but thrive.
Editor's Note: The following article has been circulating on the internet for the past several weeks and is reprinted here to encourage dialogue on the issues it raises. The article's authors, two Indian American youth have asked that their names not be identified because of the "stigma" associated with speaking out. They express the hope that parents will use the articleas a "steeping stone, a starting point, to build a better relationship with their children." Little India welcomes responses to this article and will print a selection in future issues.