Good:     You're son is dating someone new
Bad:       It's another man
Ugly:      He's you're best friend

* The trouble with doing something right the first time 
is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

*It may be that your sole purpose in life 
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. 
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every 
piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom!  Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. 

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?" 

"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf." 

     Camping ?
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?" 

"Hell no!" the guy said. 

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?" 

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?" 

* Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

* People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. 
In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. 
She went downstairs and  looked all around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.  She went down to the basement 
to find her husband, crouched in the  corner facing the wall, crying. 

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together,  when you were 16? 
Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to 
prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to;expect an answer you do not want to hear. 

6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 

11. You have enough clothes. 
12. You have too many shoes. 
13. Crying is blackmail. 
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 

16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 
23. Check your oil. 
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 
25. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. 

26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done; not both. 
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and either do we. 
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 

36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 
40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together. 

46. What the hell is a doily? 

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