Recently, Tracey ((age) 19-24 (visit) monthly) asked a question. She asked:
For the last two years, I have still had feelings for an exboyfriend of mine. I think about him all the time, even when I am asleep. Our relationship ended badly, and I think I was more or less the cause of it. I don't know if I want to forget about him or to try this again. How can I get him to talk to me again....or how can I forget him?

Emilie's answer:
You say that your relationship ended badly, and that you were more or less the cause of it, and you ask how you can get him to talk to you again... so that would lead me to infer that he is angry with you, and/or hurt, and that you have communicated very little over the past two years. Do you think that he wants to be in a relationship with you again after two years of barely (if at all) communicating? I am not saying this to disparage you; perhaps he too has been secretly pining away and wants to be back with you... but if you have barely spoken in the past two years, it's not possible for the two of you to just jump into a relationship together. So, what needs to happen next, is the lines of communication need to be opened. There's no way to have a relationship, whether it's with someone you've been steadily involved with or perhaps lost contact with, without communication. This includes friendships, too, of course. So, you need to get back in touch with this guy. Start it out as a friendship with no pressure, if he's willing, to better guage whether he wants you without opening yourself up to a lot of hurt right away. (E.g., don't throw yourself into his arms and then have him push you away and tell you he's engaged, or such...) If he's not willing to be friends with you, it means one of two things: he really resents you still and doesn't even want you as a friend, or, his feelings over your breakup are too intense and if he can't have you as a lover, he doesn't want you as a friend. To be able to tell which it is, don't play games - just ask him. If he's not willing to be honest about his feelings NOW, there's no point in trying to start a relationship again.
On the other hand, he may be open to a friendship, but not a relationship. If this is the case, it's probably not a good idea for YOU to be friends with him, because obviosuly your past relationship is still like an open wound for you and hanging out with him, but not being able to kiss him or hold him would be like rubbing salt in that wound every day. That's not fair to you, and it's not a good way to get over him.
A third possibility is that he wants to be your friend, and through this friendship, you discover he's willing to try to start over again as a couple. You should try to start over, in this case, not pick up where you left off. Then, you're on the path to a good relationship, which is one goal of the two you asked for.
Here's my suggestion for fulfilling the other goal. Which other goal? The one where you get over him and stop thinking about him all the time because either it's not possible to be friends or he'll be friends but won't have a relationship. Apperently, this idea of a relationship with him is a long-term obsession of yours, since you can't stop thinking about it, it's been two years, and he's showing up in your dreams. Perhaps a hit of reality (him rejecting you in some way) would aid your receovery, but it may not be enough. Who knows how to forget someone you thought was your true love? I am not sure I know that, myself. I have to share that I was in love with someone I thought I would marry. Things didn't work out; we broke up; it was my fault because I was not ready for a relationship of that intensity. Looking back at the relationship later, after I failed in a few other relationships, I wanted him back because I thought I was missing out on perfection, my life's destiny. But he was dating someone else at the time, it couldn't work, he wanted to be with this new girl. I obsessed for a while, to the point where I drove him nuts by constantly getting in his face and wanting him back. Finally, his annoyance at my behavior got to me and I started thinking: "What am I doing? I am driving this poor guy crazy, and he doesn't want me, that's all there is to it." So I stopped. Of course, my feelings were not like a light switch that is easily turned off, so I stayed away from him, didn't talk to him, tried to put him out of my mind. The moral of this story is, I am happily married now to someone else whom I am very deeply in love with, and I may not even have met my husband had I not gotten over the guy I used to be obsessing about. So perhaps what you would need to do something else to distract yourself from this guy. I am not saying go out and jump in a relationship; that's a BAD idea, trust me, I know from both personal experience and that of my friends. But perhaps casual dating or hanging out with a group of people would help you.
Good luck!

Recently, Adriana Chrysanthemum Bumwart ((age) 25-34 (visit) monthly) asked a question. She asked:
I've noticed that when I converse with people, it's difficult for me to maintain good eye contact. I'm afraid that I'm staring at them too much, so I constantly look away or drop my eyes. Then I worry about appearing either too timid, or uninterested in what they're saying. I also never know who to look at when talking with more than one person at the same time. What can I do to break myself of these bad habits and present myself better?

Emilie's answer:
I don't think ANYONE knows always the right place to look in a social situation. I sure don't. I just guess all the time, and no one says anything bad about me, so I am guessing I am doing ok. I think that it's totally appropriate, though, to "stare" at someone while he or she is speaking. It shows that you care about what the person is saying, especially if you "actively listen" by nodding your head or making little "mm-hmm" noises, etc. Don't feel bad about making eye contact unless someone is glaring at you, like "STOP LOOKING AT ME!" Then feel free to look away. As for talking to more than one person, what I personally do is to try to address what I am saying to the person who looks most interested in what I am talking about. I look at each person a little bit, to see who is giving me "active listening" and then talk by looking mostly at that person. If I am talking a long time, I make sure to look at the other people periodically, too. But don't fret; no one is keeping track, or making sure that you look at him/her every 5 seconds or whatever. I hope that helps!

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