4. All I Want is You
From the cradle to the grave...
Adam:
3 weeks have passed since then. Shane was caught soon after, trying to cross the US/Mexican Border! He won't be seen around any time soon. The rest of the gang is touring in London. We're here in LA, where I, meanwhile, have spent these weeks entirely in devotion to Kurt's physical and emotional health. We sort of just loaf around here, talking, once in a while breaking down. Every night we fall asleep with me holding him from behind. I don't leave him too often -only to go get groceries, or what not. But he's doing well. He no longer trembles himself to sleep, only to wake up violently from lurid nightmares. Things are slowly going back to normal. Which is why I hate having to do this...
"How is he?" asks Jay, from his London hotel room.
"Much better," I answer, observing Kurt from the kitchen, watching him with fascination as he chuckles, finding such genuine childlike humor in watching Looney Toones in the den with a bowl of cocoa krispies. "He's smiling, laughing...I think he's gonna be ok."
Jay lets out an ambivalent grunt in responnse, and although I know where this is headed, I play dumb.
"What?"
"When...are you going to talk to him about...you know..." he asks, gingerly, carefully.
I sigh. "I don't know, I don't..." I lower my voice so Kurt cannot hear me. "I don't want to rush him into talking about Shane yet, or lead him to believe that I'm being unsympathetic to his situation in any way."
"I understand," he replies, a partial Jay. "It's just, well, as cold as this will come off sounding, rape or not, there is still clear evidence to his unloyalty. Nursing him back to health is one thing, but carrying on a trusting and honest relationship is another."
He's right. He's so right that it kills me. I look at him once more...so innocent and naive...how much of it is a lie? "I know..I gotta go...ok...bye." I swallow my pride as I hang up the phone. Here goes everything. "Kurt, c'mere."
Kurt:
I lay there face down on the bed as I hear him slam the door behind him. No matter how I emphasize what we didn't do, and despite that he believes me when I swear on my life that I did not sleep with him, and that I never loved him, the fact remains -I kissed Shane. I saw Shane behind Adam's back, every night for over a week. I broke his trust. When I would beg in apology, he would just brush it off with "it's ok, I'm not mad." Then he "had to get out for a while.'' He didn't raise his voice -just shut his eyes, and walked out the door.
I have an inkling that had the situation been different, my ass would have been out on the curb. I...I can't stay here any longer. I can't stay knowing that from now on, when he sees me, he'll see my lies and unfaithfulness. I take out a sheet of looseleaf and a pen.
*I'm sorry, Adam. You've been nothing but perfect these six months, and I've nothing but betray you. I guess, in a way, I deserve what happened. Anyway, I can't stay here with this guilt on my shoulders. Bye.*
-Kurt.
You say you want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say you want
Your story to remain untold
Outside, the sky is one giant black cloud overcast, and the winds are picking up. This is the first time I've gotten into a car in weeks. I don't even know where I'm going -just away, I suppose. (sounds sorta like Shane. maybe I should head for Mexico!) The street becomes a rugged path leading into the woods, and the now pouring rain has turned everything solid into mud. Then my car stops moving.
"Fuck!" I scream to no one inparticular, after a failed attempt to get it running. I shut the car off, and lay there against the wheel, fermenting with this overwhelming feeling of nothingness. And I think I fall asleep.
Adam:
Luckily, driving has helped clear my head a bit. For a while, I actually contemplated leaving him, but a prominent factor stood in the way. I'm in love with him. I'm not being sympathetic because of the situation. If he were just crowned Duke of Jupiter, I still wouldn't leave him. I'm in love. And strangely enough, I forgive him.
Something immediately isn't right as I pull into the driveway. His car's missing. Leaving it in park, I run into the house to see if he's there, or left some sort of note saying where he could have gone....yes, on the table, I think. I read it. "Oh, fuck," I groan to no one in particular. I've got to go find him -again.
The street becomes a rugged path leading into the woods, and the now pouring rain has turned everything solid into mud. I get out of the car before it stalls out, and only have to look a few feet in front of me to let out a sigh of relief. There's his car -who else would have an Olympic Gold Medalist bumper sticker?
I bang on his window, already sopping wet. He wakes from his forlorn slumber, and quickly rolls it open. "Adam..."
Kurt:
"No you didn't," he says.
"Didn't what?" I ask, against the rain loudly rapping at my hood.
"You didn't deserve that," he replies, earnestly. "NO ONE deserves that. Please, Kurt, just come home."
I bury my face in my hands. How can I go back? How could I face the humiliation of being the untrustworthy one in the relationship, face the truth? After moments of silence, he surrenders to my obstinance. "Fine." He walks away.
At that point, I don't know what comes over me. I jump out of the car, and go after him. "Wait!" It's pouring like I've never witnessed.
He turns around, and I have nothing to add but tears.
He holds my face. "I know you didn't sleep with him, I know you never loved him. I know...just come home."
"I'm so sorry," I continue to sob. "It's just...his words....and my...stupidity...oh god...I never meant to..."
"I know," he replies, repetitively, but soothingly. "And I forgive you. You're punishing yourself enough now."
I wipe off my face, which is rather futile. "But you've lost your trust in me."
"Not all of it...and it can be regained."
"How do you know I won't just turn around and hurt you again?"
"I don't know. But I trust that you won't."
I shake my head, beginning to reconsider going back. "Look, Adam, it's obvious that I'm not doing you any good as your boyfriend." I turn to walk away.
"Then marry me."
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
I pause. "What?" I don't give myself license to believe he just said that.
He's down on his knees in the mud, holding my hand, pleadingly. "I'm not forgiving you because of your situation. I'm forgiving you for the same reason I want to marry you -I'm in love with you, Kurt. And if you don't think you'll do me any good as a boyfriend, then let me prove you wrong by being your husband...please let me."
I'm crying so hard that I camoflauge with the rain. Unable to speak, I simply nod. There is no "no".
Adam:
I let -no, made Kurt take a shower before me. I don't need him getting sick. Putting on my bathrobe (with "Edge rules!" imprinted on the right breast), I am hit with a warm rush of air, and the unmistakeable smells of sandlewood and vanilla coming from the bedroom. I walk in to see that he has the entire room candle-lit. He smiles, his warm face even warmer above the glow. "Remember candles..." he reminisces. "...the first nght we kissed..."
I shut the door behind me. "Yeah, it also rained like this...but the lights work...so...?"
He lights the last one, and straightens out the sheets, which I have just noticed are satin. "I just realized...we're going to get married, and we've never made love."
"Oh." This explains the set-up. "Well...you've never been ready."
"I'm ready now."
"Are...are you sure?" I ask, concerned. "I mean, just because of tonight...we don't have to..."
"No, we don't," he answers. "But I want to."
I broach the subject, chary. "But...so soon after...you know..."
"Adam," he reassures me. "I know the difference between sex and rape."
"I know you know that."
"Do you want to, though?"
I have to laugh. "I've wanted to for six months."
You say you want
Your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
Kurt:
With that, he puts his arms around me, and kisses me tenderly, sweetly, and gently laying me down on the bed (most likely afraid I won't be able to tell the difference between this and 3 weeks ago. I can. The difference is trust). With one swift motion, my bathrobe is on the floor. He looks down at my exposed body, marvelingly. "You're...beautiful," he remarks, poignantly.
I blush. "Thank you." I go to reach for his belt, but he pushes my hand away.
"Nah ah...you first." He begins a delicate trail of kisses from my lips, tracing my jawline, kissing deeper at my neck, and at the hollow of my throat. That's actually the farthest we've gone until now, which is probably why I let a sudden gasp when I feel his tongue drag across my nipple. He lets out a laugh, and moves to the next one. "so...beautiful..." he repeats, continuing to kiss downward. I giggle when he kisses my belly, as I'm very ticklish, but he quickly shuts me up by moving south with his hand. His face meets with mine, and he begins a rhythm of stroking my length. With the other hand, he holds mine, and for some reason, I have found that so sweet. I bite my lip and try to resist a emitting a groan, but he whispers in my ear "Don't be afraid to do what you feel," and that's enough to pull the sound out of me. He slips downward and carries on with his mouth what he started with his hand. My eyes roll back -no woman I've been with has ever felt like that. I don't know what gets me off faster -what he's doing, or the sight of him doing it, but all I know is that I erupt with a fury, emitting yet another groan, only this one more like a whine. I never thought of myself as loud in bed until tonight.
He smiles. "How ya doin' up there?" I pant and nod. Wow. I'm doing wow. He adds, "you're...well, huge, Kurt," and I'm blushing even more. But before I can respond, he's rolled me over on my belly, his hands kneading at my back like dough. They move down to the cheeks of my ass and I am once again startled to gasp to feel a tongue between them. I don't want him to stop, but he gets up. "Let me get something." He comes back with a small bottle of the Bath & Bodyworks vanilla lotion we always buy before we hit the road. He squeezes some into his hand and slides a finger into my entrance. Again he grips my hand, as this is all new to me. When he feels I'm ok, he slides another. I let out what sounds like a yelp when I feel something totally unexpected. Laughing, he explains, "That's a prostate, Kurt. It's what turns men gay." He flips me back over and gives me an appreciative smile. Once again, I go to pull off his robe, and this time he lets me. I don't say anything, but my face tells him what I think. He's breathtaking. I try to push him on his back, but he stops me. "No...I told you, this is about you. Fret not, you will do all that, trust me."
I laugh...and then I'm nervous because it has just hit me what is about to happen. Taking note of my shaking, he whispers, soothingly, "Ssshhh, it's ok. We're gonna take this slow. I'm not going to hurt you." He smooths out some of the lotion onto his erection (which is just as big as mine, if not bigger), and leans over me. "Are you ready?" I nod, apprehensively. He bends my knees up, and holds down both of my hands with his -not in a dominating way, but lovingly. I feel him slowly enter me, and I grip his hands tighter. I'm surprised to find it's more like an extreme pressure than pain, but it's hard to bear at first, either way. Once he is all the way in, the first thing he does is ask if I'm ok.
Adam:
I mean, I have to remember that this scenario is a total 360 from my previous encounters. "I'm ok," he answers, and with that I begin a rocking motion with my hips. I keep it slow the first minute or two, letting him adjust, and then eventually pick up speed. I look down at him -gorgeous. His eyes are shut, hands clutching mine, breathing heavily, his body slightly perspiring from both the action and the candles. He looks up at me half-lidded with those radiant eyes, and it is almost involuntary for me to lean down and kiss him. I let go of his hands, and replace it with wrapping my arms around him, and his around me. I want to be as close to him as possible right now. I kiss his neck and earlobe, and everywhere my mouth can reach, and he pants and groans in my ear with every push my hips give. Then somewhere between a moan and a sigh, he says my name, and I feel him release all over my belly. That's enough to finish me off, and for the first time since I lost my own purity, I end with a groan, and collapse into him.
After cleaning up a bit, we lay there in eachothers' arms, saying nothing really, as nothing is needed to be said - I have just FELT everything. Then out of nowhere he says, sleepily, "Kurt Copeland sounds funny. It sounds like Clark Kent."
"Well 'Adam Angle' sounds like a cartoon," I retort, jokingly.
"Was I ok?" he asks, changing the subject.
"You were great, honey," I reassure him. I stroke his hair (or "what's left of it" as he always says).
"Good...I think I'm pregnant."
I laugh. "Now you won't be able to fit into your dress."
"You're wearing the dress," he corrects me. Again for a few moments, we're silent, just holding eachother, breathing against one another.
"I love you," I say out of the blue, like it were sudden reflex. He says nothing. He's asleep. That's ok. I don't need verbal affirmation. I've never felt so happy, and so loved in my entire life.
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
THE END
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